Sunday, December 26, 2010

What will I remember?

Nearly two months ago when talking with the Lord concerning my mom's situation and how it needed to change, I felt impressed by the time frame of the second week of January. I have no further revelation beyond that, but it was just something that went through my mind during the conversation and has persisted throughout the two months.

I fasted then, agreeing with the Lord for the 2nd week of January (assuming it was an actual word from God and not just wishful thinking). 3 days into the fast I received a phone call that finally, the situation had come to a head enough to absolutely require change. The ball had begun rolling.

Tomorrow, she is scheduled to move into the nursing home. My wish is that the 2nd week of January brings her something far better than a nursing home, but if this is the answer and it just took place before the 2nd week of Jan, I'm accepting of that. God knows my hearts desire. I will serve and love Him. Period.

But it's left me holding onto moments more this weekend as I spend the days with them realizing that each event is my last. It made last nights conversation all the more poignant.

My mother has seizures, a deep chunk missing from her leg that has developed staph infection, a broken foot that has never received any treatment, and randomly suffers from dizzy spells and nausea - she passes out easily while just standing there. All that is piled on top of the nasty fear and confusion of wondering why these rotten people don't understand that she HAS to get home to her momma and daddy who don't know where she is and she's got to help them. (Her parents are so long since deceased it's surprising she doesn't remember that with her long term memory).

Last night, she's having a spell and wandering back and forth from her bed to the living room - during one trip to her bed, she lies down and calls me into the room to pray for her.

I need help, it's too much.

What is too much?

I need you to pray for me.

What is happening that I should pray for?

I don't think I can keep breathing.

Is it hard to catch your breath?

No, it's just I tell myself to breathe and it goes into my brain and gets confused there.

(My own desires make me point blank on my next question) What do you want me to pray? Do you want me to pray God will help you breathe or that God will help you go home to Him?

Oh, I can't go home yet.

Why not?

Because of Steve, he needs someone here to pray for him. He says he loves God but he just goes up and down. He isn't sold out and won't give God everything. Steve has been so good to me, all my brothers have and I just can't stand them going to hell. Someone has to tell them, to convince them, to really give all of themselves to Jesus.

She doesn't know I'm her daughter. She hates the strange man that she declares isn't her husband, she's losing the ability to put together sentences that make sense, and she can't even remember how to breathe without effort - but she knows her brothers need Jesus.

What have I made so important to me that if I lost my ability to think and remember, that this one core issue would remain engraved in my mind? I doubt my one lingering memory will be quite so noble.

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