What will I remember?

Nearly two months ago when talking with the Lord concerning my mom's situation and how it needed to change, I felt impressed by the time frame of the second week of January. I have no further revelation beyond that, but it was just something that went through my mind during the conversation and has persisted throughout the two months.

I fasted then, agreeing with the Lord for the 2nd week of January (assuming it was an actual word from God and not just wishful thinking). 3 days into the fast I received a phone call that finally, the situation had come to a head enough to absolutely require change. The ball had begun rolling.

Tomorrow, she is scheduled to move into the nursing home. My wish is that the 2nd week of January brings her something far better than a nursing home, but if this is the answer and it just took place before the 2nd week of Jan, I'm accepting of that. God knows my hearts desire. I will serve and love Him. Period.

But it's left me holding onto moments more this weekend as I spend the days with them realizing that each event is my last. It made last nights conversation all the more poignant.

My mother has seizures, a deep chunk missing from her leg that has developed staph infection, a broken foot that has never received any treatment, and randomly suffers from dizzy spells and nausea - she passes out easily while just standing there. All that is piled on top of the nasty fear and confusion of wondering why these rotten people don't understand that she HAS to get home to her momma and daddy who don't know where she is and she's got to help them. (Her parents are so long since deceased it's surprising she doesn't remember that with her long term memory).

Last night, she's having a spell and wandering back and forth from her bed to the living room - during one trip to her bed, she lies down and calls me into the room to pray for her.

I need help, it's too much.

What is too much?

I need you to pray for me.

What is happening that I should pray for?

I don't think I can keep breathing.

Is it hard to catch your breath?

No, it's just I tell myself to breathe and it goes into my brain and gets confused there.

(My own desires make me point blank on my next question) What do you want me to pray? Do you want me to pray God will help you breathe or that God will help you go home to Him?

Oh, I can't go home yet.

Why not?

Because of Steve, he needs someone here to pray for him. He says he loves God but he just goes up and down. He isn't sold out and won't give God everything. Steve has been so good to me, all my brothers have and I just can't stand them going to hell. Someone has to tell them, to convince them, to really give all of themselves to Jesus.


She doesn't know I'm her daughter. She hates the strange man that she declares isn't her husband, she's losing the ability to put together sentences that make sense, and she can't even remember how to breathe without effort - but she knows her brothers need Jesus.

What have I made so important to me that if I lost my ability to think and remember, that this one core issue would remain engraved in my mind? I doubt my one lingering memory will be quite so noble.

What if we lived only for our mission?

I'm pretty sure I've said it before, but I need reminding of it fairly often: It's all just a part of growing up.

I don't mean growing older physically, but growing up in Christ. Some of the mistakes you make as a babe in Christ need to be schooled out of you as you grow. It is within that growth that some of the verses that talk about speaking soberly and avoiding vain babblings begin to make sense.

When I was a child I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But when I became a man - or woman in my case - I put away childish things.

I'm afraid there is something to the childishness in me that allows for wavering. It allows for a lot more mistakes because even I will excuse myself sometimes.

But to the honest, for reasons that I'm not even sure of it's downright scary to plunge into the solid, sober, non-vain babblings of a grown Christian. Perhaps the greatest reason to fear it is simply that I might fail, that I'll fall while grasping hold of this special maturity and be held to a greater accountability before God.

Perhaps another reason is that as I even test these waters on my own I see others watching me and I fear so greatly that I will lead them astray.

Or perhaps the greatest reason of all is simply that it's just a little bit more dead to self than I want to be.

As I pondered those ideas I found myself thinking on the words "To live is Christ, to die is gain". When Paul said them, he had to have understood that there was nothing here worth truly living for except for Gods mission for his life.
People don't like to think that way though, we make up all sorts of reasons for people to want to live - family, friends, work, things to see, dreams to aspire to - but I wondered what it would be like if we all lived our lives out only because there was still another person that needed to be reached.

What if He's there?

I drove 333 miles to go to my parents and help them in their moving progress. Sunday though, I deserted them both and went to my old church to worship God and see many old friends and family.

But one of the two most important ones wasn't there. When I asked, I was told "When I left the house she was planning on coming."

I'm a doubtful person, so my immediate assumption was that she'd found out I was coming and didn't show up. I'd even tried to keep my visit a secret just to prevent that since several of my other visits have been an occasion for her to miss as well.

But simply because I over think things, I wondered to myself - "Maybe, just maybe, whatever stopped her from coming was something small and if you hadn't have been so stubborn and told her you were coming she would have come if she'd known you'd be there."

I don't think so.

But the minute that thought struck me, I was almost floored by another idea.

Why on earth would someone make an extra effort to come to church because I might be there, when the whole premise of church is that GOD is there.

In the Bible times, when someone knew Jesus was somewhere, they didn't stay home if they were sick, they went to Jesus because they were sick. They drug their sick friends and family, did without food, walked days and days just to be where Jesus could teach them. Could touch them.

Yet one of the kids gets a fever and the whole family stays home to wipe his nose.

What if He was there?

What if you walked into church on Sunday morning, with your sick child, spouse, self and said "I'm going to find the hem of His robe to touch today. I don't know what it will look like in todays circumstances, but I'm sure going to find it."

He promised that if two or three were gathered in His name, He would be there. So He came to church last Sunday. And I foolishly wondered if someone might have come if they'd have known I was there.

I think you'll disrupt the service if you go expecting something from God. If you walk in and say WAIT, I didn't get a blessing, I didn't get my healing, I didn't get a touch - LET ME THROUGH because He's here, and I'm here sick/tired/hurting, so He's not done here yet!

But I think it's high time our church services got disrupted by someone actually expecting Jesus to show up.

What if - Opposite day.

Curiosity not criticism... and maybe this is more commonplace for some of you, we had a request that fell along these lines in church tonight and that's what made me think about it. But it's really rare for me to hear requests like the ones I'm about to mention.

But, what if instead of prayer requests for sickness, if people called out prayer requests for growth?

"Sister so-n-so would like to show more grace this week, let's pray for her."
"Brother so-n-so is praying to receive the Holy Spirit let's make sure and keep him in prayer"
"Sister so-n-so is struggling against Gods will for her life - let's pray she submits to His perfect will."
"Brother so-n-so has an opportunity to practice longsuffering this week, let's keep him in prayer."
"Sister so-n-so is seeking the gift of prophecy let's stand with her in prayer."
"Brother so-n-so is seeking wisdom, he's got some situations coming up and we need to be vigilant in praying for him."
"One of our youth is having a hard time remembering to seek God during the week, let's keep him in prayer that God would fill him with a fresh hunger for time with God this week."

Question - do we spend more time praying against bad nonspiritual things, than for good spiritual things?

What if, someone got a cold, and we all got earnest about praying they would receive a greater anointing of the Holy Spirit during this time, rather than relief from their physical symptoms?


What if, when someone has financial problems, we'd pray God would give them opportunities to display extraordinary faith by sending in opportunities for them to help others?"


What if, someone was having problems with a co-worker and so collectively we gave God praise and thanks that one of us was counted worthy to be hated for His names sake?

I'm just thinking out loud. Hope you had a good Sunday.

P.S. I could certainly rattle on and on about how it's obviously not a bad thing to pray for the sick. But I'm just assuming it's understood.

Imagine all the people...

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so - little ones to Him belong they are weak but He is strong.

We're such dorks. Ok, I guess I shouldn't speak for the rest of the world. I'M such a dork sometimes. I say it and I say it and I say it, and yet I still never really grasp it. Jesus loves me.
It's not about being perfect, being good enough, being holy enough, being mature enough in the faith, or even being a good enough witness.
And I wonder if I'll always have issues with all of those, until I finally grasp the basics. Jesus loves me.
Jesus loves me.
He chose me for His child, He drew me to Him. I didn't become a Christian because I drew near to Christ, but because Christ drew me near to Him. Jesus loves me.

I'll sin and fail, but God forgives and loves with an everlasting love that is not dampened by my stupidity. Nothing can separate me from the love of God. It's easy to focus on how we've failed, or fell even. But God easily looks past that to simply simply love us.

It's so easy it's hard.

In a post that I read recently it said:
"I see myself as under law when I've been bad, because I deserve it, and I see myself as under grace when I've been good, because I've earned it. Totally wrong."

It may not be the easiest thing in the world to hang onto grace and walk in it with freedom and ease... but it doesn't make it any less something we should be doing. Imagine... no really, close your eyes just for a moment (after reading this paragraph of course) what a difference it would make in the world if Christians no longer lived in self-condemnation trying to regain a relationship with a God that never stopped loving us in the first place?

Ok, now imagine it.

Wondering out loud...

Here I am... just wondering out loud again.

In my wonderings though... I'm wondering what the world, the Christian world would be like, if we Christians stopped being sympathetic to each other.

We tend to be a little hard on the world, but entirely sympathetic with each other. Abortion, horrific, homosexuality - perverted, democrats.. just kidding. :)

You get my point though. We take the sins of the world and we make them into these big awful things that you don't want to have touch you, and would never taint your family.

Yet, our churches are full of sin. We gossip, we backbite, we're lazy, we're not good stewards of our money, we're poor employees, we're angry drivers, and we can be easily offended.

And those are the small sins. SMALL ones. Forget the crazy huge things (or at least as we size things, not God) like Jesus saying that if you even think about adultery, you're an adulterer. We don't want to talk about that do we.

But what if we did? What if we got fed up with ourselves (I say that because I'm fed up with me right now) and we said "You know what, SIN is SIN." God doesn't see a size, and I can't allow myself to either. SIN, is in my life, and God help me I want it out.

And we'd say it, we'd scream it, we'd cry it because every little ounce of sin stands between us having the absolutely perfect relationship with God. It holds us back from growth. Grow, grow, grow. Where you at is awesome, now GROW. And even if you're not growing, fertilize, water, whatever it takes to nourish the growth you want to achieve. And I wish the written word could convey the sudden tenderness in my heart as I say it's the growth that God wants you to achieve as well.

Gods will is always exciting and scary. It takes faith. And also a good understanding that God has forgiven you. Every day.

Ok... now when are we, and those around us, going to call our fear to be sin? When are we going to call hanging onto foolish pasts sinful? There are some things that I struggle with - and I get that. There are things that we'll struggle with. But I also know in my own life, that there are some lies, some fears, some doubts, that inside I know are not true but I allow myself to live them out.

I think I'm not good enough so I don't try.

I think I'm not the right person to speak so I don't speak.

I think I'm not wanted so I go away. (And for the record, I'm not talking about my church in this aspect... just wanted to make sure that's clear. My church loves me. I love them. 'Nuff said.)

But too often I think I'm too this, not enough that, worse than so-n-so, not spiritual enough, not whatever

so I don't.

What if our Christian brothers and sisters looked at us when we said those things and said "You know, that isn't true, it's a lie from the devil and acting on it rather than Gods promise to you and His declaration of who you are is a sin."

What if?

1 step recipe for success.

Spend time in prayer.

Another blogger and "What if?"

I went searching about for blogs again this morning. I do so every once in awhile. And today I found a writer from the blog Effortless Grace. The name intrigued me and that's why I initially clicked on the blog title. I'm not quite to the point of recommending the blog yet, but I wanted to share just a couple of paragraphs I found that really convicted me.

It's from a post entitled "The One Who Comes Alone"

She was a Calvary Evangelical preacher who had been approached undoubtedly weeks before Memorial Day. She had prepared her speech well, incorporating stories to accentuate her points. Then, as she closed, I finally realized what her main topic was. She mentioned something about heroes, and how instead of looking inside of themselves, they look, rather, beyond themselves, and see the people who are touched by the things they do.
She spoke of reaching out to the lonely, the broken hearted, and the “different”. She pondered how in this fantastic age of communication, we could alienate someone so deeply as to make that person think their only means of recourse was to strap a bomb to themselves and blow someone else up. Or how a young man could enter a university building and slay thirty people before sending the final bullet through his brain.
It came to me tonight to ask her this one simple question; Are you a philosopher-academic, or do you have experience in reaching out to the lonely, the rejected? As I stood there this morning I realized for the umpteenth time how many “speeches” I had heard given by people who spend their lives studying what we “ought to do”. I wonder how many of those people ever did what “we ought to do”, or if maybe, just maybe, it was something everyone else ought to do, so we could all learn from her wisdom?

I confess, I'm very guilty of this. I write so often of how things should be when I'm not living that way from day to day myself. I know how things ought to be but that doesn't mean my life is a living example of it. Far from it. I write more from a longing of how I wish to be, than how I am.
Besides convicting me concerning my own shortcomings in that area it also made me wonder. How many preachers, teachers, bloggers, stand up and tell us how it ought to be, when they haven't lived it themselves (and no, Pastor, I'm not making an elusive reference to you). Another blogger recently reminded me in comments on his blog that pastors are sheep as well (I had commented about how dirty sheep are and Christ calling us sheep was no compliment). I have heard a lot of so/so preachers/teachers and read a lot of so/so bloggers (including myself) in my time, and I wonder if some of them/I would be more effective to be speaking about things they're currently walking in. Speaking from experience rather than knowledge. Or it could be my thoughts on it are pointless and most of them are all living out their sermons already. I don't know. I don't even know how I would know. It just made me think.

I've hinted at things like this in my "What If?" posts where it seems like we're all holding back. What would the world be like if we all quit talking about how things ought to be and just simply did them?

What if

What if you woke up and decided to live like it was no longer about you?
Loving others had nothing to do with you and your fears and insecurities.
Stepping out in faith had nothing to do with whether you might be embarrassed or fail.
Things you said were said with the other person in mind, not your own biases or frustration.
Your actions were full and free, with no hesitation due to the possibility of rejection.
What if you didn't accept that your past allows you to have those fears, biases, and hesitation?
What if you simply said, I'm going to do exactly what Jesus would do regardless of how I feel; and then you did?

I choose Jesus.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.