I needed to be broke.

My savings account was depleted when I first moved to San Antonio. And I spent 5 long months looking for a job. The money was gone, nothing was coming in. Yet somehow I paid my bills, paid my rent, and helped out others that couldn't pay their bills, and never once encountered over-draft charges from my bank. I still smile about that one.

This month and last month have/had challenges all their own but I'm not the least bit afraid to meet them. When I first saw the situation I immediately thought "oh no... what will I do?" but the second thought was, "What am I talking about? I'll do the same thing I did last time except better this time - I'll trust God."

For that reason, I have to say I needed to be broke financially. God needed to bring me to San Antonio, break my bank, and force me to trust Him. And He did. I found myself in a situation so completely beyond myself that I couldn't imagine how to survive - and God just worked. God. Just. Worked.
If He hadn't of let me be broke, I would never have realized that I'm never broke as long as I've got God. I've got enough. I needed to be broke.

~~~~

I needed to be broke.

Last year, when I moved I was in pieces. My blog certainly shows it. I was angry with God, at odds with my church, and hurting more than I remember being hurt before. I tried every trick in the world to put myself back together again - including a 40 days of faith series. Ironic since despite my words I was the most faithless person I knew. Some parts of me were not quite as bad as it was before but I was still broken, and hurting, struggling every day to just get through.

It's hard to say this because I remember it quite vividly, but I needed to be broke.

People I walked proudly in front of have now seen me at my worst. I'm probably still proud in ways I shouldn't be, but coming through this I've found myself in the grip of the God who can put me back together. He is the God of the broken.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think the idea behind being broken is simply that whether it's financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental. Just the word broken - I went to Merriam Webster and looked it up just to see how he defined it and I'd like you to read the definitions associated with "broken"


1 : violently separated into parts : shattered
2 : damaged or altered by breaking : having undergone or been subjected to fracture : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c : violated by transgression d: discontinuous, interrupted : disrupted by change
3 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : crushed, sorrowful c : bankrupted
4 a : cut off : disconnected
5 : not complete or full

I wouldn't recommend brokenness as a constant state. But I think everyone needs that time in their lives. Probably more than once. But I can think of no better way to understand how great, and how powerful God is than to experience Him at your weakest.

I wouldn't have the relationship with Him that I have right now if I hadn't been broke, both financially and emotionally and Spiritually. I wouldn't. I would still know the words, but now I've experienced the words.

I just needed to be broke.

The God who ruins me.

I received word today that my church that I attended in North Texas flooded this month. In the cold spell the pipes burst and flooded the building; ruining carpet, walls, and anything in it's path from the front of the church to the very rear.

This is a church that I love fondly for all the people in it. The building itself had some issues that you just learned to get used to - or learn not to look directly at them. It had other homey flaws that made the building seem familiar, just like knowing which stair creaks on the staircase or knowing how to hold the door just right so it will shut completely.

But now, thanks to insurance against just such "acts of God", walls will be replaced, platforms will be redone, paint will be applied, and carpet will be laid.

To me, this is the greatest story of hope that I know. Because without that day, with that sad moment when the pipe exploded and water flooded the place, without those discouraging hours ridding the building of water... without all that, restoration would never take place.

We spend our lives guarding against ruin, but when God is ready to restore you - truly restore you instead of just keeping up with the continual breakdowns, He will completely bring you to ruin.

For me, the first time I ever felt utterly ruined I went through emotional ruin. I couldn't find joy, I couldn't find peace, I was as broken as I could possibly be. I drove home from places crying only to park in my driveway and break some more. I'd go inside my house and sit in dark corners and cry and scream. I couldn't stand the religion that seemed to be for everyone else but me. I'd been used and hurt all by people that God loved. And yet God didn't even love me, maybe that's why I was the one chosen - a special misfit in Gods churches. That's when He began restoring the part of me that felt abandoned and irreparably broken. He restored in me the knowledge that I was who HE made me, not what others had made me. He restored in me the faith that this life with Him is REAL. And that I was welcome in it. It's not a religious service 3 times a week, it's a daily walk with an incredible Creator that actually speaks to you. And He would speak to ME. Amazingly enough.

To a degree, life shortly before and after San Antonio felt like ruin. Before the move fostering was breaking my heart, left me feeling inadequate to love and work for these kids every day like I should. I felt like a bad person, a suddenly dysfunctional person. I couldn't foster, but I couldn't not foster either. Then after the move, I abandon my parents with my mom desperately calling for help over and over again. I walked away from a job with the State with wonderful benefits only to spend 4 months searching without luck for work. My money ran out, and problem after problem seemed to come up each and every month. It felt like the biggest mistake of my life. I felt as though I had no one to turn to at all because everyone else in the house was busy mourning their own troubles.

So the only person left was God. And when I turned to Him, He began restoring the parts of me that needed someone elses' support in order to stand. He began restoring the parts of me that, without my realizing I was doing it, said that God was necessary but I was the one responsible for my success or failure. That's part of what made foster parenting so hard was trying to accomplish myself what God wanted accomplished. He began restoring the part of me that was too proud to acknowledge my failures, the flaws, the hard parts. (It was with that restoration that I was able to start acknowledging things like severe money problems on this blog. Just wait till you see what else gets released.)

Those two events are the ones that stand out to me as when I felt like I couldn't go on, couldn't be what I was, couldn't do whatever I should have been doing. But God brought so many things in me to ruin during those times that I would be an entirely different person today if He had not began the restoration once the ruin was complete. I contemplated suicide during that first event more times than I can tell you. Yet God used my failures to keep me from doing even that.

But MY GOD, has ruined me. MY GOD, has broken me. MY GOD, has so dramatically altered the course of my life with different touches of ruin that some days I can't believe I survived - either physically or financially.
And there isn't a single other person in the world that loves me enough to break me like that.

Not one.

MY GOD, supplied my needs when I needed to be ruined. And MY GOD restored my soul when I needed restoration. MY GOD restored my faith. MY GOD, restored my love. MY GOD, restored my joy. MY GOD has restored me to action. He's restored the drive and passion for Him but restored it to such a deeper level that it leaves me speechless sometimes. I can't give enough to Him, but I've got today to give and dear Lord I wish it was so much more.

I wouldn't have willingly gone through some of the ruin He's allowed in my life. There's a "call it quits" moment when I would have screamed for Him to stop if I'd of thought it would work. And actually, I did beg for those hard times to end in twenty different ways. But He did what was necessary to bring me where I am today. He did what was necessary to ruin the supports I had planted in my life instead of Him.

Lord willing, I'll have many more years in this world to serve Him, and I don't for a moment doubt that He can bring me to ruin again in order to purge some more bad ideals, intentions, thoughts, dreams, habits.

But, right now, I trust the future me to Him as well. If He breaks me again it's for a purpose, and the end result - whenever it does come about - will be a beautiful restoration piece.
I trust Him, and I love Him, more than life itself.

Thank You Lord, for being a God who ruins me, restores me, and makes in me something beautiful.

Have you been ruined by God? If so, how wonderful was your restoration? I can only imagine how many stories there are out there.

Growing...

I don't know what someone else would get from this... but I just have to write this to document what God is doing in me.

Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.

Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.

No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".

Go.

God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.

Go.

God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.

And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."

And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.

Get me there God, somehow.

And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.

I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.

God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.

As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:

HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)

Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence

Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed

Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

Phantom backpacks and changing lives.

I started off this morning with the plan of going to the library. I pulled up handy Mr. Google and I asked him how far it was from my house to the library. He said it was about 4 miles so I made up my mind that I could walk there.

So I grabbed my backpack and and headed out the door.

Turns out, Mr Google lies sometimes and it was 6.1 miles to my destination.

I sat outside the building trying to dry off some ( I was quite the attractive picture at the moment) then I went inside and rested a bit and found what I always find at a library. More books I'd like to read than time to read them. I selected about 7 books, checked out and loaded them into my backpack and began mentally preparing myself for the walk home.

I don't know if you caught the mention or not, but, I found 7 books... checked out 7 books... 7. Just so you know, 7 books are pretty heavy when you attempt to lug them 6.1 miles. About 2 miles into the journey I was thanking God that I never pursued the idea of joining the military. I'm pretty sure they make you do things like that on a regular basis.

I got home, finally, and I immediately got rid of the pack.

Here's the funny thing about that though...

Randomly, even hours later, I could feel that pack on my back. I would have swore it was still there, even though I knew it wasn't. My body just got used to the feel of the burden, it got used to being mindful that when I passed a tree branch I needed to make sure it didn't hit the pack on my way by. I took care of my pack. But suddenly, even without the pack I found myself watching, telling myself not to lean back, don't roll over, all to protect my phantom backpack.

I couldn't help but think how, even after God delivers us, pulls some burden we've carried so long off our backs, that we still have those phantom burdens - only it's not as easy to know that it's a phantom rather than the real thing.

I was thinking about my post yesterday, about some of the struggles I've faced and I knew that I couldn't blame the devil for all of them. I've created so many of my own obstacles that you'd think I was into professional obstacle course building... And I wondered how many times in life God pulled my burdensome pack off my back only to find me still tending to some phantom pack until the devil was finally able to put it back on me again.

A friend of mine posted something on her Facebook that I wanted to share with you:

"'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.' Marianne Williamson

As we tend our wounds, as we carry our baggage around, whether phantom or not, we miss out on something especially incredible - Being all God wants us to be.
Some of you carry around the baggage that you'll never find who you're meant to marry. Others of you carry around baggage of fear that everyone will hurt you. Maybe you're more like me in that your baggage is a heavy shield meant to protect you from all the world can throw at you. Those shields are too heavy to carry for distance. I'm learning how to lay mine down. And whatever baggage you're holding onto, whatever is in that backpack of yours; whether anger, self-pity, hurt, fear, rejection, shame, guilt... ask God to help you lay it down, just like I did with my guilt awhile back.

But when He does it, you and I always have to be diligent to remember what God has done for us. And what's done is done. So when that phantom guilt, phantom fear starts to haunt you then you can just remember "Oh that's right, I'm not afraid anymore." And so on...

It seems silly, even as I type it. And perhaps I just handle my issues in unusual ways and no one else connects with what I'm saying. But for me, so often I've had to just stop myself and remind myself "NO, I'm not THAT anymore." The phantoms appear out of nowhere, in situations where you'd least expect it, and your reality shakes for a moment - and in that moment you either concede to what the devil tells you or you remind him that you're not who you used to be by the grace of God.

For me, I tell the devil that I'm not alone anymore. For years I've faced the world under the assumption that if I couldn't do it on my own it wouldn't be done. I've told myself that if I fall on my face that I'm the only one who can pick me up so I had to watch how far I flew, how fast, and what loads I carried.

But I am not alone. There are people, and the number has grown in the last two years, that if I found myself in need of help I could call and at least one would be available to help me.

Even now, I'm more tempted than ever to erase those two paragraphs, but with sick to my stomach determination I say that the pack is not there anymore. I won't put it back on, and I won't erase my written confidence in it.

It's among the difficult things in life to do, so I don't know if you'll join me or not - but do you have any packs you want to lay down?

God is on your side.

Instantly, as I typed the title of this post, the traditional religious remark came to mind "God doesn't need to be on your side, YOU need to be on GODS side."
And I'm remembering a recent post someone wrote about how Christians too often think God has done something for them when in actuality God does nothing except for His own glory.

And while initially, arguments like that resonate with me and I tend to agree - I have seen a pattern of things in my life where I was the only one who knew what God did. So the glory He would have received from it would have only come from me. But that means the only reason God does nice things for me is so that I will glorify Him.

That speaks a lot about motivation. He didn't do it because He loved, but because He would be glorified.

I'm horrible about arguing spiritual points simply because someone who has actually studied scripture (as opposed to my read-and-think method) usually knocks my arguments over with verse after verse. And here I sit with only John 3:16.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

His motivations are spoken of in that verse. It's typical cause and effect. Because God loved us He sent His Son.
Perhaps I get caught away with an overly emotional view of God but, I can't help but believe that God loves us first, and an effect of that is glory.

All that to tell this story.

I went to a church program this morning. They were giving out school supplies so my sister-in-law and I took the kids by at the invitation of a lady we'd met in the supermarket the night before.
2 hours later, we'd stood waiting, while they blared incredible loud hip hop music through the speakers. We'd watched kids take the stage and do "Dance offs", play multiple rounds of "Let's make a deal", and a fashion show. We'd been subjected to a barrage of sales people - State Farm, Allstate, two different home health agencies, credit card applications, jewelry sales, and 2 different entities wanting to take the kids fingerprints.
I saw a world around me that, while some may have known God, I knew many of them probably didn't - and here, trapped in this large auditorium with an incredible opportunity to tell them of Gods love, they didn't. After 2 hours of waiting, (because they only passed out the school supplies twice an hour to the first 15 people in line) we left mid-fashion show.

I walked away disappointed. Where was God in all this? I was hurt, and more than a little tired because I've been bearing the standard "There ARE Christians, true, God-seeking Christians here in this town." and while I have found them, there are just so many other examples of what Christianity shouldn't be here that it's overwhelming.

I came home, snapped at my family, and told them to go on their plans for the afternoons outing without me. Then, I found my quiet place and tearfully asked God "Where is Your Church?"
I could think of no other question than that. I was angry, disappointed, hurt, tired, frustrated, and a few more synonyms for "upset" that I can't think about right now.

An hour later, my family left on their plans.
30 minutes after that a pastor showed up at my door.
He, and his congregant, wanted to thank us for coming to his church last week and talk to us.
They both sat and talked about biblical things with me for an hour.
I was sorry to see them go.

I believe God had a special timing for that visit, maybe nothing about our unplanned and certainly impromptu stop at their church last week was supposed to mean anything for anyone else but I believe God knew I could use some one to talk to today.
And I think He did it just because He really truly loves me and cares about my needs.
And that's why I wanted to write this - to give Him glory.

Joy unspeakable and full of glory and air guitars

So I have a song. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you who sings it because I hate the name of the band. It's by a group apparently called "Big Daddy Weave" yeah I know, I'm sorry.
Regardless, looking past the muddy name to the music is the song "You Found Me." It is one of the few songs I will crank the volume up and actually sit in the car and wait for it to finish (even when it came on just as I parked).

I like this song.
I'll give you the words and a video in a minute, you should at least read the words even if you don't hit the video so you can hear the song.

This morning I was on my way to babysit with my niece and nephew when the song came on and I instantly turned the volume up and began... uhum... enjoying the song. I admit, I stopped at a very long stop light. I also admit there were other cars around. And according to my niece and nephew people were apparently... looking.

I honestly doubt that information because when I looked at the kids they were scrunched down so very low in their seats that it was surely impossible for them to see "all the people staring".
Still, an incredible air guitar song opportunity is not to be squandered away just because of watchers. Matter of fact, that's all the more reason to continue. So I did, quite happily until the end of the song.

The song ended as did the red light thankfully (how long are the lights up here... seriously... someone should write someone about this) and the protests immediately began.
"PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT YOU"

"So?" wasn't the answer they were looking for.

So I told them about joy, and how if you continue to smush joy down so others can't see it it will become harder and harder for you to see it.
Then, they both gaped at me as I forcefully called them cowards who will never change the world.

They simply couldn't believe I'd say that.

And I told them that to change the world, you have to be willing to let people see you be changed in the world. The world looks up when you act different just to see what you're doing. And they do that because so few people actually act different anymore. (At least in a joyful and good way.)

I played hopscotch on kitchen tiles, and ran circles around a three year old, I shook my face making blubbering sounds all because it made two little kids enjoy a moment of j o y, happiness, laughter. And a lot of people would have done the exact same thing for these kids. Just to see them giggle and laugh. But then, we crazy people, stand up and soberly look at other adults and speak about stern important issues like when we'll get our next x-box game or if Michael Jacksons doctor actually killed MJ.

I think we adults are stupid sometimes.

I lost my joy when I wondered if I was making others unhappy with it.. it just didn't make sense and then suddenly I fell off balance and couldn't just manufacture that joy back inside me. Little wonder that I got sick during that period eh?

But something happened to me late Tuesday afternoon when I finally took a Tylenol. (Have I mentioned how very much I hate medicine??) 20 minutes later I was no longer looking for ways to rip my jaw off my face and while it was obviously still swollen - it didn't hurt anymore.
Instantly, the words "Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh, what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer." Tylenol had been 15 feet away from me ever since I got home Sunday night... I had just refused to take it.

Sometimes we just refuse to give the burdens to God and leave them entirely with Him so that even though we're not sure how bad it will get we know. We know that we know that we know that we know, God is in control somehow and it's going to be OK. The important things will be OK. And despite my opinion.. my credit score is not labelled among Gods top 10 "Important things concerning Jeanette".

But when you do leave it with God... and you just trust, and wait, and stress a little, and wonder... that's when you can settle into this beautiful thing called "J o y". *Here's where I take a moment to mention that for reasons that I still can't figure out, $190 dollars showed up in my bank account the week that we moved here - there are no new deposits, it's almost as though I was looking at someone elses account when I first looked. I haven't the faintest idea where the money appeared from. And yes, that's why I tithe faithfully. I'm too chicken not to.

Joy unspeakable and full of glory and air guitars.


The lyrics as promised followed by the video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You Found Me" by Good band name here Big Daddy Weave

I saw 03.00 AM come and go again
Another sleepless night, thanks to living my own way
All my great ideas, I’ve regretted most of them
But that was back long before the day

When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Hmmm hmm
Also know as,The day that you found me

My whole life has changed ever since the day You came
The way I see, the things I want, it’s everything
Some may call it strange, I don’t care what people say
I knew You were the only way

When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Hmmm hmm
Also know as,The day that you found me

I’ve never known a love like this
You’ve captured my heart and You brought the sweetest
Peace to my life, brought me into the light
Now I’m all Yours, Jesus, draw me into You
I don’t think that I could ever be the same
Who would want to be anyway

When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free

Somebody's apple

I'm only scratching the surface of this thought, but even with only a scratch this post is written with a smile that can't seem to be tamed.

I unintentionally hurt someones kid this week. And while the kid was a friend, and I'm sorry to have hurt them, their parents are pretty important to me too. And these parents are certainly protective of their kids. Enough so, that, while I don't believe it is going to be a problem, the thought occurred to me that they could be upset with me.

I almost e-mailed them an apology just to cover my bases, and make sure they knew I wasn't oblivious or unconcerned with how my actions impacted their child.

But then I realized something.

I care about what the parents think of how I treat their children.
Do I care about what God thinks of how I treat His children?

So often, I go to God repenting of some sin, because I know it was something He wouldn't have wanted me to do. But I don't remember once ever fearfully and apologetically going to God nervous because I hadn't just done something stupid and wrong, but because I had hurt His child.

And I find that incredible.

And not just because it's a new way to consider my sins before God, but because it puts God more deeply into my mind as a Father who really cares about His kids. It's not just about you being sinful, or unrighteous and unholy. He cares about the fact that your stupid sins hurt people He loves.

And I love that.

I really do.

I've hurt some of Gods children - too many times in my life. Even in the situation that I described earlier, that was Gods child that I disappointed. Gods child.

But here is where the best part of the whole thing comes up.

While I can hurt someone elses kid and make their parents mad at me - I'm Gods kid, and when I hurt His kids He won't toss me out. He will love me because I'm His kid too.
I'm Somebody's kid.

And I really love being His child.

I hope I hang onto this lesson. Because aside from how thankful I am to know that God is protective of me the same way a regular parent would be of their child (except better), I want to remember that when I'm interacting with someone in a less than gracious way, that I'm talking/thinking/being unkind to someone that is of infinite value to Someone I love so very much and don't want disappointed in me.

As I revel in the idea that I'm the apple of Gods eye, and imagine what a beautiful, fully loved place that it is - I need to remember that a lot of other people are in that sweet apple spot too.

Father, help me remember that my perspective is such a shallow one and so very dim compared to what You see. Help me be gracious, and careful always to remember my absolute desire to bring You pleasure even when I am tempted. Don't let me forget. Let me never make You ashamed.

Hear a just cause, O LORD; attend to my cry!
Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit!
From your presence let my vindication come!
Let your eyes behold the right!

You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night,
you have tested me, and you will find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.
With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips
I have avoided the ways of the violent.
My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.

I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words.
Wondrously show your steadfast love,
O Savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.

Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings,
Psalms 17:1-8

Baptism, death, joy, healing.

I was rebaptized today.

I hate to be dramatic, and using the word "death" all the time just seems dramatic, but in the moments just prior to being baptized I was praying harder than ever before in my life that God would give me strength to die.

I don't want to spend another day chasing things, moments, fears that keep me from the life that being completely dead offers.

I confess with resignation that I went down in tears. I was mess enough already without the added bonus of being dunked under water. But I could only cry more as I was reminded of the words "I have baptized you in tears."

But just prior to the baptism, we had been singing "I surrender all" and I was caught by the last verse:

"All to Jesus I surrender. Now I feel the sacred flame. Oh, the joy of full salvation - Glory Glory to His name"

I don't know why it struck me, but just moments after I came up from the water, I expected to still feel broken and pleading, but instead I had those words running through my head "Oh the joy of full salvation." "Oh the joy of full salvation." "Oh the joy of full salvation."

I smiled.

Something had changed. And while the art of getting wet doesn't change anything, the fact that I obeyed the simple command of "do it" is good. Though I confess, I was fortunate to have a pastor who agreed to do it, then picked the date, then ordered me into the room. To say I was reluctant.. is... putting it mildly. I'm certainly glad to have it done.

I'm also certainly glad that, while someone did have to push me through the steps, I was obedient.. enough.

But, I found some joy today. Joy in my salvation and I really think God tried to make sure I knew it was coming. I've spent the last couple of years either crying, hurting, or otherwise very somber. There have been wonderful, amazing times as well, but if I had to choose the predominant emotion of the last two years it would be hurt.

And I wonder, vaguely, if that isn't why I've been at the church I've been at. I once described it, as a hospital because it seems to attract the hurting and broken, it attracts those struggling with sins that addictively twist peoples lives into oblivion. The list includes several seemingly perfect people who, much like myself, looked hurt and bitterness in the eyes and then bent down under the weight.

Perhaps that's why I am now permitted to leave.

I no longer need a hospital.

Though, speaking of hospitals. My sunday school class and I are praying for Dr Pate, who is missing half a finger, that his finger will be made whole. If you could join us in this heartfelt prayer, I'd appreciate it. I'd love to silence the snickering of 5 kids imagining praying for his finger to grow.

What'd you smash into?

I read a post by Shaun King describing his own first hand experience with miracles.

I know it's long, but what I'm about to say hinges on his story. So before you go a step further, please go read his post.

Did you read it?




Seriously, did you read it?



Ok.
When I read the post, I was shocked at the idea that somehow he had smashed into the glass with his face. Not his head, not his body, (as he states in his blog) but his face.
Then, I took the time to enjoy the video he linked to for the song "The Presence of the Lord is Here."
One of the lines in the song caught my attention. Riveted my attention.
"He'll open up a window and pour you out a blessing."

Looking at the pictures of the windshield of his car, I saw that God did indeed open up a window. Or maybe the devil did it.
I'm not going to dig into who or Who should get credit/blame for this event. I just agree with God that all things will work together for good to them that are called according to His purpose.
Because sometimes a window opens, and a blessing pours out of it.

Sometimes though, that window gets opened by your face.

It rips, maddeningly painful, and breaks you. It breaks your plans for tomorrow, or for your lifetime. It breaks your heart. It breaks your fight, and your entire focus.

And from that, God can pour you out greater blessings than you can imagine.

Do you think I should compare it to the typical "don't pray for patience unless you want trials" ?
I'm not saying don't ask God to bless you, lest He smash your face into a window. But I am saying, sometimes you ask God to bless you, and He allows your face to smash into a window. And I say that, with a face that's been smashed at least a couple of times.

My God is good.

We're stubborn, crazy hard and earthly focused people. Our greatest blessings, come at a high cost. But with rewards so great that it outshines the birth pains of getting to it. Sometimes our greatest blessings smash us into financial craziness and 3000 miles from home. My greatest blessing smashed my face into 5 foster kids, and 5 goodbyes in 2 years. Maybe your greatest blessing is the pastorate you took over, with 20 whiny broken people who have lost that first hunger and are soon going to experience the renewal of that first love and excitement.

Maybe your greatest blessing was ruining your reputation by standing by someone everyone else had given up hope on.

When your face is smashed, blood and tears flowing out, flesh torn and pain and agony your primary thought - it's hard to imagine that this will be the greatest blessing of your life.
When she saw her sons face smashed, blood and tears flowing out, flesh torn and pain and agony His primary thought - she probably didn't imagine that this moment would be the greatest blessing for every single person in the world for all time.

But it was.

Maybe everything I'm saying is wrong. Maybe I just search for lessons to lessen the pain sometimes. Maybe I want meaning in things that are meaningless - just plain old ordinary pains from living life in a sinful world.
Either way, God's still good.

Healing

I tell you, Christians everywhere make these things look easy. They never mention things like "I didn't know if it was me or God", I've never heard the humorous stories about the 200 times it wasn't God, and they royally embarrassed themselves, in the 250 times they tried to pray for someone. No, I only hear about the 50 times God did something miraculous.

My friends, I can assure you, you won't have that problem with me when you read my blog. You'll probably see me wondering "is it me or God" so many times you'll want to quit reading!

Last night the important question of the night was.. "Is it God? or do I just need a new mattress?"

If you're confused, then let me assure you that you did read the sentence right. If you weren't confused by it, you should probably reread it.

I've spent the last two days with my back hurting. Nothing major, but something just annoying enough that I kept stretching trying to work out the kinks. I assumed, that my mattress was to blame and was considering trying to flip it this weekend. I'm proud to say I own a 10 yr old mattress. It's worth having a few sags, to have the privilege of that statement.

But last night, as I was praying just before going to sleep, I remembered that I've heard people say that if they were suppose to pray for someone with hearing troubles, they would sometimes experience a bit of hearing troubles. Chris, over at Hamer-Hodges mentioned the same thing recently with his throat - where you experience sensations in the area that the person you should be praying for is feeling pain.

So I said, what if this is my notice to be praying for my friends son? So I mimicked what I saw God do, and I reached around and I put my fist into my back and began to pray for him. And I did it until the pain in my own back was virtually gone. I still had a small twinge when I moved but nothing like it was before.

I don't know where all of this leads exactly, I doubt that he's going to jump out of bed this morning saying "Look mom! the pains gone!" But that's why I keep praying. Because I don't have enough faith for the big miracles. I'm going to keep praying until I grow. And I certainly won't stop there! I hope every once in awhile God finds enough faith in me.

What do you think that verse means when it says Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Ephesians 3:20

What's that "power that worketh in us" mean?

Seeing what God is doing...

Last night, I'd been reading in the book of John where Jesus talks about how He only does what He sees the Father doing. So tonight, after a terrific time of worship and praise, I moved into a song that suddenly turned the tide with the lyrics "Now I can go into the Holy of Holies and make my petitions known."

I took the song as movement, and began to bring my petitions to God. My petition was that I would be able to see what the Father is doing, thus I could walk in His ways and pray His works. In other words, if Jesus healed people, by doing what He saw God doing - then I want to see what God is doing, so I can speak healing to the right people at the right time, because that's what God is doing at that moment.

Now.... making what could be a very long story, very short... a little while later here is what I've seen.

Not to belittle anything that God has done, it's just not much and I don't understand it.

I know a family whose son just went through surgery for things pertaining to his back. I know the son is currently home again, and spending most of his time in bed.

Add into that, tonight after asking God to show me what He's doing, I saw someone that I knew was a representation of God, and He was standing over the bed of the young man, and He rolled him over on his right side then reached over and put His fist into the boys back.

I don't understand, and I don't know if it's possible to make sense of it. But if anyone has a gift for such a thing... feel free to comment.

As a side note to this specific situation, I'd spent awhile at the hospital Friday night just praying for the young man, and the scripture that kept coming to mind was Ephesians 3:20

"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"

Then what do you know, on Sunday a woman in church stands up saying she's got a scripture she feels led to share. Sure enough, she reads Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"

But I want you to see verse 21, just because God deserves to have the 2nd half to that.

20Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
21Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

Praying for God.

I've long thought it to be a cop-out. The idea of simply throwing your hands in the air and saying "Thy Will be done" rather than passionately crying out to God about something that you desire a specific answer to. It's like David fasting and praying for the life of his son. Even after he knew God had decreed the sons death. There was a chance to change Gods mind.
For your childs life, I'm sure most of you would take it that chance.

BUT.

This Sunday, many of our church family happened to be out sick. And there just seemed to be something discouraging in the air. Almost (keep in mind I've said "almost") as though we should just all go home and try again some other time when everyone was better.
As prayers went up for all of the sick members I found myself unable to pray for them. I stumbled to a halt and wondered what I should be saying. And the very next thing I knew I was telling God that I needed Him. More than I need Him to be the God of my finances, or the God of my health, I needed Him just for the sake of Him.

Again, it felt like a cop-out. It's the idea that of course someone NOT sick would be able to say I don't need God to be the God of my health. Of course you can say that, you're not sick! But since I had begun thinking of Davids fasting for his sons life, I also remembered David pleading for his own life. Except he pleaded for a very different reason.

David instead said this:
I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication.
What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper.
Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

I spent so much of yesterday pondering that idea. I'm all about motives. Why do you want to be healthy? Is it because you have a birthday party to attend this weekend and you don't want to be sick? Because you're suppose to meet with so-n-so tomorrow and you don't want a runny nose, hurting back, headache, etc. etc.?
How often do we pray that we'll be healthy for Gods sake? For the sake of Gods kingdom and Gods work?
Do we need money for Gods sake? or for the sake of our cable bill?

How much of our prayers are for our own benefit and not for Gods I wonder?

I spent Sunday praying for more of God. I told Him specifically I don't want more money, I don't want more health, I don't want more friends, I don't want more education. I want more God. Whatever else that all entails, bring it on. That's what I want. If that means I get more education, I'm blessed. If that means I encounter new friends, wonderful. If that means a few less aches and pains and colds, outstanding! But all those are secondary.

It seems a strange comment to make, but I'm tired of praying for myself. And I'm tired of praying for peoples health and money and jobs. I hope it's just a brief phase because it seems unkind to even think that, much less say it. But instead, I want to pray for God. I want to pray for more of Him. More of Him in me, more of Him in you, more of Him in our churches.
I want more.
And if that means healing takes place for all of our sick. God be praised.

Mercy flows down the river of praise. And for too many we've only got a small trickling stream. Somethings gotta give.

1 step recipe for success.

Spend time in prayer.

Speaking Healing

I think it was Mark who originally got me thinking about the idea of speaking healing, rather than asking for it. I certainly understand very little about the gift of healing and how to operate in it and his posts on the issue were always fanning the flame of my excitement about healing.

He recently wrote another post on speaking healing showing a clear example of how he was speaking it for an problem that he was dealing with. In that post he linked back to the original post on speaking healing that got me so excited.

This time I read through all the comments that have been posted there. It's plenty to get you excited if you're at all drawn toward the gift of healing.

I remember shortly after reading his first post on the subject and asking around about other peoples opinions. I was very clearly told by several people that God heals, and we simply ask Him to do it. To do anything else is to claim power for yourself that you don't have and try to take Gods place. I had several people tell me that exact thing and it stalled me. I quit digging so hard at the subject and let it settle for awhile.

In the comments that I read today from the original at Marks' site he used a terrific example and I wanted to show it. He said:

Let me ask an easy question that has challenging repercussions. Do we ask God to preach the message? Or do we do it? I guess we'd say something like: we do it, believing that He empowers it, and following His leading so that we are acting in His authority. So how about everything else that He's commissioned us to do?

I may not have changed my beliefs because of what the "ask God" people think. But I did use them as a reason to stop digging.
Let's say that stops today.