Church is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get.
An interesting thing happened this morning at church. Something that I don't quite know what to do with despite my many years at church and several "prophecies" I've received telling me that I was going to play the piano and God was going to use it. (I've pretty much always been the church piano player, so this is always an easy prophecy to make and win - leaving me all the more skeptical of the "prophet" and his authenticity.)
But this morning, I pulled in to the lot at Grace Tabernacle. Upon many recommendations from my pastor, and even the father of our bishop (for our section of IPHC), I finally went back to visit the church.
I pull up and a middle-aged hispanic couple pull up next to me. I wait to get out of my car so our doors won't fight with each other and I notice the lady keeps looking in my car at me. I figure its because I'm sitting in a car (in San Antonio heat/humidity even 45seconds in a car means you're now a soggy, sweaty mess and possibly trying to commit suicide).
Fast Forward through the service to me going back out to my car. The couple beats me to my car and are waiting by my car door. The man asks if I've got children.
No. But I will soon - and I explain the foster care plans.
He then translates for his only spanish speaking wife that when they drove up, she looked in my car and she saw me brushing the hair of a baby, a baby with curly hair.
It took me a minute to understand what I was hearing, because I began explaining how, no, I didn't leave a kid in the car when I walked in - I don't have a kid. I was sitting in my car, clutching my purse praying I'd get out of the car before I melted. I wasn't brushing a kids hair.
So he explains it again - she saw you. And through the conversation it turns out she has had other visions of things.
I don't know how to take it. Because once they said the words "curly hair" my mind was transported back to a toddler with dark brown eyes, and wavy little curls, wearing a yellow and pink princess jasmine nightgown and sitting on my lap all damp and clean while I brushed those curls before bedtime.
The people then ministered to me, telling me that sometimes people feel alone and empty but God is always there. Which, I was able to agree with because I didn't feel alone or empty. Nervous about fostering - yes, trying not to think too much about my house renting - yes, and thankful for all God has done this week - yes, all that and more, alone and empty - no..
But my eyes had filled with tears when they said "curly hair" so they prayed with me.
I'm questioning it but I don't want to discount it off hand. Maybe it's one of those times where God was doing something, saying something, and human nature adds to it something more because we feel we ought to.
Or perhaps, I'm going to feel very empty and alone in the coming weeks and this is Gods way of putting in His little reminder card "I told you not to feel empty or alone..."
I don't know. I just don't know.
Showing posts with label My Promises. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Promises. Show all posts
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
A time for living and a time for building...
Friday evening was difficult. At 9pm I was loading my car with cleaning supplies, and tools and such to 'fix-it' and even a 2-wheel dolly to 'move-it' since I knew I had a large item to move. I knew the weekend would be too short to accomplish everything I needed to get done in a short 36 hours.
As I loaded my car I suddenly had the thought: "I don't want to go." I didn't want to make this trip. I wanted to stay in San Antonio and continue all the preparations for the work needed here. And as I worked to have a good attitude about the work and trip and interruption to my little world here I suddenly realized something so basic that I don't know why I haven't enjoyed this thought sooner:
I'm building a life.
I'm not just living a life, I'm building it. I'm building things, jobs, memories, experience, relationships and even a house to last my lifetime.
Perhaps, when I'm old and gray I'll retire from the "workforce" and simply maintain the big things I've built through the years, and maybe build a few things - new relationships, new experiences, etc. But now isn't the time for me to rest. It is the time to build.
I'm building a life.
And it reminded me of something I've long since wondered about. Do you recall when Jesus turns to His disciples and says "I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, ye may be also."
Those words have always made me stop because my Savior isn't up in Heaven with a hammer and nails building me a nice mansion. He created the world in 6 days. So I'm pretty sure He had my little niche in Heaven knocked out before I turned 4 hours old.
And while I don't quite think this is the answer to the questions I've always had about that verse, I couldn't help but imagine something along these lines:
He's building me an eternity.
He's building me opportunities for relationships, to give, to learn, to grow. He's lining up moments of pain that break and mold me into what He needs me to be in His Kingdom. He's building significant moments of joy and challenging times of decisions. He's building me. And He's building me an eternity.
As I loaded my car I suddenly had the thought: "I don't want to go." I didn't want to make this trip. I wanted to stay in San Antonio and continue all the preparations for the work needed here. And as I worked to have a good attitude about the work and trip and interruption to my little world here I suddenly realized something so basic that I don't know why I haven't enjoyed this thought sooner:
I'm building a life.
I'm not just living a life, I'm building it. I'm building things, jobs, memories, experience, relationships and even a house to last my lifetime.
Perhaps, when I'm old and gray I'll retire from the "workforce" and simply maintain the big things I've built through the years, and maybe build a few things - new relationships, new experiences, etc. But now isn't the time for me to rest. It is the time to build.
I'm building a life.
And it reminded me of something I've long since wondered about. Do you recall when Jesus turns to His disciples and says "I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, ye may be also."
Those words have always made me stop because my Savior isn't up in Heaven with a hammer and nails building me a nice mansion. He created the world in 6 days. So I'm pretty sure He had my little niche in Heaven knocked out before I turned 4 hours old.
And while I don't quite think this is the answer to the questions I've always had about that verse, I couldn't help but imagine something along these lines:
He's building me an eternity.
He's building me opportunities for relationships, to give, to learn, to grow. He's lining up moments of pain that break and mold me into what He needs me to be in His Kingdom. He's building significant moments of joy and challenging times of decisions. He's building me. And He's building me an eternity.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Getting up again for a miracle.
It's my favorite Bible story of all time: The pool of Bethesda.
It's sparked my favorite posts that I've ever written; like Trouble The Waters, and Trouble The Waters 2.
And now it's sparking this one.
But as I was reading this this time - it stirred something different in me.
So, just to warm us all up and refresh our memories I'd like to repeat the story.
Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep market a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of impotent folk, of blind, halt, withered, waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had.
And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years. When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, "Wilt thou be made whole?" The impotent man answered him, "Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming another steppeth down before me."
Jesus saith unto him, "Rise, take up thy bed, and walk."
And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked: and on the same day was the sabbath.
I could keep going, because there is a little bit more to the story than that, but that is a good stopping place and still gives you the story.
What gripped me about the story is that the man is still going down. "while I am coming" he said, another stepped down before him. He didn't say that another would get there before him, so there was no point in trying. He said "while I am coming" even as he feared it was futile.
To add to that is the simple fact that this isn't a daily occurrence. It says the angel came at "a certain season". Let's just say for illustrations sake that it's talking about natures seasons and call it 4 times a year that the angel comes. (THIS IS NOT TRUE, I'm making up a number to just illustrate, I haven't been able to find any writings with anything more than a suggestion of one possibility.)
But even if it were 4 times a year, that gives you 3 months in between each failure to tell yourself that there isn't any point of even going to sit on one of the porches, much less getting up and trying to get in the pool before anyone else.
Trust me, after 3 months of telling myself it was pointless, there was no way I'd get there in time, I wouldn't disappoint myself by going back to the pool. I just wouldn't.
But here he is, for who knows how many years, season after season, knowing "while I am coming another steppeth down before me", he still comes.
For me, this fit into a struggle I'm facing.
I'm tired of trying church after church, being disappointed, and frustrated. I'm let down that after all these months in San Antonio I have yet to find a truly good church that can be my home. Last Sunday I went to a Baptist church, but it took every last bit of effort I had to make myself go. I had to bribe the kids to get them to go, and then rewarded them even further afterwards because the experience was so awful.
Every Sunday I struggle to make myself go. I don't want to get up. It's not going to be a good church. I'll leave even more disappointed with Christian-kind. It will make it that much harder to go next week. "While I am coming, another steppeth down before me."
But he kept stepping. For however many seasons, however many years, he still came down.
For me it's finding a church, for you it could be anything that you're tempted to admit defeat on. Anything you can see that it's obvious your desire won't come true. Anything that tells you it's too hard, you're not strong enough to succeed, someone else will get it instead of you. You know what it is because the minute I started this paragraph you started thinking about and wondering if there is any point in hoping for it.
So get up. Be a person who "yet comes". Because the miracle worker appears when you least expect it.
And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked; and on the same day was the sabbath.
It's sparked my favorite posts that I've ever written; like Trouble The Waters, and Trouble The Waters 2.
And now it's sparking this one.
But as I was reading this this time - it stirred something different in me.
So, just to warm us all up and refresh our memories I'd like to repeat the story.
Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep market a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of impotent folk, of blind, halt, withered, waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had.
And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years. When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, "Wilt thou be made whole?" The impotent man answered him, "Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming another steppeth down before me."
Jesus saith unto him, "Rise, take up thy bed, and walk."
And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked: and on the same day was the sabbath.
I could keep going, because there is a little bit more to the story than that, but that is a good stopping place and still gives you the story.
What gripped me about the story is that the man is still going down. "while I am coming" he said, another stepped down before him. He didn't say that another would get there before him, so there was no point in trying. He said "while I am coming" even as he feared it was futile.
To add to that is the simple fact that this isn't a daily occurrence. It says the angel came at "a certain season". Let's just say for illustrations sake that it's talking about natures seasons and call it 4 times a year that the angel comes. (THIS IS NOT TRUE, I'm making up a number to just illustrate, I haven't been able to find any writings with anything more than a suggestion of one possibility.)
But even if it were 4 times a year, that gives you 3 months in between each failure to tell yourself that there isn't any point of even going to sit on one of the porches, much less getting up and trying to get in the pool before anyone else.
Trust me, after 3 months of telling myself it was pointless, there was no way I'd get there in time, I wouldn't disappoint myself by going back to the pool. I just wouldn't.
But here he is, for who knows how many years, season after season, knowing "while I am coming another steppeth down before me", he still comes.
For me, this fit into a struggle I'm facing.
I'm tired of trying church after church, being disappointed, and frustrated. I'm let down that after all these months in San Antonio I have yet to find a truly good church that can be my home. Last Sunday I went to a Baptist church, but it took every last bit of effort I had to make myself go. I had to bribe the kids to get them to go, and then rewarded them even further afterwards because the experience was so awful.
Every Sunday I struggle to make myself go. I don't want to get up. It's not going to be a good church. I'll leave even more disappointed with Christian-kind. It will make it that much harder to go next week. "While I am coming, another steppeth down before me."
But he kept stepping. For however many seasons, however many years, he still came down.
For me it's finding a church, for you it could be anything that you're tempted to admit defeat on. Anything you can see that it's obvious your desire won't come true. Anything that tells you it's too hard, you're not strong enough to succeed, someone else will get it instead of you. You know what it is because the minute I started this paragraph you started thinking about and wondering if there is any point in hoping for it.
So get up. Be a person who "yet comes". Because the miracle worker appears when you least expect it.
And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked; and on the same day was the sabbath.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
What more has the Lord required?
A couple of nights back, I picked up a book intending to read for a bit. A few paragraphs into the page though I realized I wasn't able to concentrate on my book too well. Odd though it may seem, my heart and mind were anxiously wishing there were something that I could do for God now. NOW. Not later. June and it's move and a return to foster parenting seem so far away right now.
I put the book away and began telling the Father that I wished I could something now, do more, just return to Him some small token of my love and appreciation for all He's done for me. Interestingly enough He gave me a verse. Instead of the scripture reference as He usually gives me, I was reminded of the actual words to the verse - then I had to go look it up remembering only that it's found in Micah somewhere.
It turns out to be Micah 6:8
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?
And I realized I have opportunities every single day. I take a little over a hundred calls every single day, so I have at least a hundred people with whom I can deal justly, with a love for mercy, and with humility in my dealings with them before God.
It's hard to remember the Spiritual things in the every day things. It's hard to be on a phone call and while I ponder stats, product codes, and specific verbiage that I need to use and in all of that remember that I can show Gods justice, mercy, and His example of humility.
But for as hard as it is, I think this is where the rubber really meets the road. When you are no longer the Sunday Christian, or the at-home Christian, or the with-your-friends Christian.. but instead you are the Christian for every single moment of the day, in all of your dealings.
I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. And the joy just keeps growing as I remember Him and think of Him throughout the day.
I'd like to just echo the sentiment of one of my customers today: "I AM BLESSED"
And if you'd like to add that sentiment to your checks, just give us a call. :)
I put the book away and began telling the Father that I wished I could something now, do more, just return to Him some small token of my love and appreciation for all He's done for me. Interestingly enough He gave me a verse. Instead of the scripture reference as He usually gives me, I was reminded of the actual words to the verse - then I had to go look it up remembering only that it's found in Micah somewhere.
It turns out to be Micah 6:8
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?
And I realized I have opportunities every single day. I take a little over a hundred calls every single day, so I have at least a hundred people with whom I can deal justly, with a love for mercy, and with humility in my dealings with them before God.
It's hard to remember the Spiritual things in the every day things. It's hard to be on a phone call and while I ponder stats, product codes, and specific verbiage that I need to use and in all of that remember that I can show Gods justice, mercy, and His example of humility.
But for as hard as it is, I think this is where the rubber really meets the road. When you are no longer the Sunday Christian, or the at-home Christian, or the with-your-friends Christian.. but instead you are the Christian for every single moment of the day, in all of your dealings.
I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. And the joy just keeps growing as I remember Him and think of Him throughout the day.
I'd like to just echo the sentiment of one of my customers today: "I AM BLESSED"
And if you'd like to add that sentiment to your checks, just give us a call. :)
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2010
We made it.
I believe I've spent the last year heralding how wonderful 2010 is going to be. I haven't the faintest idea why exactly that I have been so confident about 2010, but I'm marching into 2010 expecting a great many things.
I thought about using this post to look back at 2009, but I want to wait and maybe do that later, though I will look back a little just to reminisce about how amazing 2009 has been. It's been anything but easy, filled with fear and doubt over a move 300 miles from everything familiar, to worry it was a bad decision when 4 months later I still had no job. But I'm ending 2009 annoying all my friends and family by telling them how very happy I am.
I'm not fraught with worry, in fact it's just the opposite, I trust God more than I ever have. My faith was challenged severely this year and somehow God brought me through. And He didn't just bring me through a survivor, but a Victor. A true victor.
But I'm looking at 2010, and I see more challenges ahead that I simply don't know what to do with, so I'm simply letting those worries go and trusting that God will handle those challenges when I reach them. He will be faithful in leading me and guiding me in 2010 just as He was in 2009.
Tonight the church that I've been attending offered a come and go communion service. From 8pm-1am the pastors were there and whatever time you wanted all you had to do was just show up and take communion. So at 10:30pm I found myself standing there holding the bread and wine and feeling as though I was a soldier being sent off. (Yeah, soldiers, I know, there's a big difference, but you get the idea.) I feel as though 2010 is going to be so very important for me that being there tonight; giving myself back to God through communion and remembering His sacrifice and honoring it seemed vital.
My heart has been slowly turning towards ministry in the last month. I suppose in a way I've always been in ministry, whether playing the piano for my church or teaching a Sunday school class or whatnot. But in the last month, and especially tonight, my heart seemed to be veering towards evangelism more than ever before. That God would use my life as a witness for His glory. That He would make me a light that is not hid under a bushel by my fears or doubts concerning what to say or do. I began to pray that He would teach me how to witness to others of His glory. Because I haven't the faintest idea how to actually begin those discussions.
The pastors at church ended the small communion with a special "into the new year blessing for me" and as they prayed over me, and even in their talking to me before and after they just kept mentioning how God was going to bless me, and that God saw what I was doing (like attending communion services when I should be in bed asleep) and that He honors things like that and would see my heart and bless it.
It's lovely words, and I don't doubt for a moment that God loves me so much and will continue to bless me as He has this 2009 even if no one asked Him toon my behalf. But something about 2010 has arrested my thoughts concerning my own blessing. And I believe that He's outlining a plan in 2010 where I will become a blessing. I don't know how, or where, or what, but I truly believe I God is leading me into a year of being a blessing to HIM.
That's why tonights communion felt so vital. I needed to give my life back to Him tonight for His use in 2010.
Like I said, I don't have any explanation as to why I feel so strongly about 2010, but I'm very sober concerning the challenges and the growing that I believe will be taking place this coming year. I love Him so much now, He's so worthy of so much more than someone like me has to offer. But He still has plans for me, and I am ready to walk in them.
May your 2010 be blessed beyond abundance, and may you find hope, peace, and joy you have never imagined. May the love of God reign in you and multiply to scatter across your communities, your city, your county, your street. And may you find rest in releasing your hesitation and embracing His resolve.
God bless you. And happy New Year.
I believe I've spent the last year heralding how wonderful 2010 is going to be. I haven't the faintest idea why exactly that I have been so confident about 2010, but I'm marching into 2010 expecting a great many things.
I thought about using this post to look back at 2009, but I want to wait and maybe do that later, though I will look back a little just to reminisce about how amazing 2009 has been. It's been anything but easy, filled with fear and doubt over a move 300 miles from everything familiar, to worry it was a bad decision when 4 months later I still had no job. But I'm ending 2009 annoying all my friends and family by telling them how very happy I am.
I'm not fraught with worry, in fact it's just the opposite, I trust God more than I ever have. My faith was challenged severely this year and somehow God brought me through. And He didn't just bring me through a survivor, but a Victor. A true victor.
But I'm looking at 2010, and I see more challenges ahead that I simply don't know what to do with, so I'm simply letting those worries go and trusting that God will handle those challenges when I reach them. He will be faithful in leading me and guiding me in 2010 just as He was in 2009.
Tonight the church that I've been attending offered a come and go communion service. From 8pm-1am the pastors were there and whatever time you wanted all you had to do was just show up and take communion. So at 10:30pm I found myself standing there holding the bread and wine and feeling as though I was a soldier being sent off. (Yeah, soldiers, I know, there's a big difference, but you get the idea.) I feel as though 2010 is going to be so very important for me that being there tonight; giving myself back to God through communion and remembering His sacrifice and honoring it seemed vital.
My heart has been slowly turning towards ministry in the last month. I suppose in a way I've always been in ministry, whether playing the piano for my church or teaching a Sunday school class or whatnot. But in the last month, and especially tonight, my heart seemed to be veering towards evangelism more than ever before. That God would use my life as a witness for His glory. That He would make me a light that is not hid under a bushel by my fears or doubts concerning what to say or do. I began to pray that He would teach me how to witness to others of His glory. Because I haven't the faintest idea how to actually begin those discussions.
The pastors at church ended the small communion with a special "into the new year blessing for me" and as they prayed over me, and even in their talking to me before and after they just kept mentioning how God was going to bless me, and that God saw what I was doing (like attending communion services when I should be in bed asleep) and that He honors things like that and would see my heart and bless it.
It's lovely words, and I don't doubt for a moment that God loves me so much and will continue to bless me as He has this 2009 even if no one asked Him toon my behalf. But something about 2010 has arrested my thoughts concerning my own blessing. And I believe that He's outlining a plan in 2010 where I will become a blessing. I don't know how, or where, or what, but I truly believe I God is leading me into a year of being a blessing to HIM.
That's why tonights communion felt so vital. I needed to give my life back to Him tonight for His use in 2010.
Like I said, I don't have any explanation as to why I feel so strongly about 2010, but I'm very sober concerning the challenges and the growing that I believe will be taking place this coming year. I love Him so much now, He's so worthy of so much more than someone like me has to offer. But He still has plans for me, and I am ready to walk in them.
May your 2010 be blessed beyond abundance, and may you find hope, peace, and joy you have never imagined. May the love of God reign in you and multiply to scatter across your communities, your city, your county, your street. And may you find rest in releasing your hesitation and embracing His resolve.
God bless you. And happy New Year.
Monday, August 24, 2009
El Roi - The God who sees.
I have crawled into the Word of God more than usual the last two days, just asking God to speak to me something that I can hold onto.
Yet the words I am holding onto are not ones that I have been reading - but this evening the phrase came into my mind and I have sat here, holding onto it.
El Roi
The God who sees.
Genesis 16 tells the story of how Hagar fled from a horrible situation with her mistress treating her badly simply because she had conceived a child. Granted, there does not seem to be anything "simple" about the situation. But regardless, the treatment was unjust.
So Hagar runs.
An angel of the Lord finds her at a fountain and questions her on where she is going, and Hagar can only answer that she is fleeing.
The end result has her stating that "Thou God, seest me."
I have scratched my head in the last two and a half months about how a person could suddenly become invisible as I seem to have in this town. It is amazing how people do not communicate with others here, or they simply communicate with those who are in similar situations. But in the last two days I have felt anything but invisible to God.
He has been my El Roi, the God who sees me. He has been the God who hears me.
He has been exactly what I needed.
That does not mean that everything is now perfect, or that my mother has been miraculously restored to perfect health.
What it means is that through the circumstances, He has walked with me.
I have felt spiritually stronger in the last two painful days than I recall feeling ever before.
I trust. I sincerely, and absolutely trust Him despite the circumstances.
I trust. That each phone call I make, He will help me find the words to give her comfort and confidence in her own situation. But that trust has also extended to other things as well. I am less afraid. I have confidence in Him and His ability to work in me no matter what the situation.
I love Him more today than I did yesterday.
I am seeking Him more today than I did yesterday.
I can feel it. And in it, I can feel changes being worked in me.
All of that is personal, and there is no point in you reading it unless you are willing to believe that the exact same thing can happen for you. You must trust in the fact that the God who sees me, and hears me, will see and hear you as well.
The glory of His Spirit and Presence is not something that is designed for me alone. Or for great preachers. Or specific people that you feel are "good enough" for such a thing.
That glory is meant for every broken, hurting person that wants to flee, to run and hide from their lives and situations, for every person that feels they are not good enough, wise enough, or capable enough. He is the God who sees you.
He is the God who sees your job hunt your childs divorce your financial crisis your medical concerns. He is the God who hears you weep, cry, wail, lash out in anger, and pray so hard you no longer make any human sense.
He sees.
He hears.
He cares.
He is there.
He is there in those awful moments. And if you pay attention, you'll find He is there in those wonderful moments as well. The weddings, births, engagements, first steps, friends celebrations, job promotions. He is there.
Trust Him.
Wait on Him.
Talk to Him.
Yet the words I am holding onto are not ones that I have been reading - but this evening the phrase came into my mind and I have sat here, holding onto it.
El Roi
The God who sees.
Genesis 16 tells the story of how Hagar fled from a horrible situation with her mistress treating her badly simply because she had conceived a child. Granted, there does not seem to be anything "simple" about the situation. But regardless, the treatment was unjust.
So Hagar runs.
An angel of the Lord finds her at a fountain and questions her on where she is going, and Hagar can only answer that she is fleeing.
The end result has her stating that "Thou God, seest me."
I have scratched my head in the last two and a half months about how a person could suddenly become invisible as I seem to have in this town. It is amazing how people do not communicate with others here, or they simply communicate with those who are in similar situations. But in the last two days I have felt anything but invisible to God.
He has been my El Roi, the God who sees me. He has been the God who hears me.
He has been exactly what I needed.
That does not mean that everything is now perfect, or that my mother has been miraculously restored to perfect health.
What it means is that through the circumstances, He has walked with me.
I have felt spiritually stronger in the last two painful days than I recall feeling ever before.
I trust. I sincerely, and absolutely trust Him despite the circumstances.
I trust. That each phone call I make, He will help me find the words to give her comfort and confidence in her own situation. But that trust has also extended to other things as well. I am less afraid. I have confidence in Him and His ability to work in me no matter what the situation.
I love Him more today than I did yesterday.
I am seeking Him more today than I did yesterday.
I can feel it. And in it, I can feel changes being worked in me.
All of that is personal, and there is no point in you reading it unless you are willing to believe that the exact same thing can happen for you. You must trust in the fact that the God who sees me, and hears me, will see and hear you as well.
The glory of His Spirit and Presence is not something that is designed for me alone. Or for great preachers. Or specific people that you feel are "good enough" for such a thing.
That glory is meant for every broken, hurting person that wants to flee, to run and hide from their lives and situations, for every person that feels they are not good enough, wise enough, or capable enough. He is the God who sees you.
He is the God who sees your job hunt your childs divorce your financial crisis your medical concerns. He is the God who hears you weep, cry, wail, lash out in anger, and pray so hard you no longer make any human sense.
He sees.
He hears.
He cares.
He is there.
He is there in those awful moments. And if you pay attention, you'll find He is there in those wonderful moments as well. The weddings, births, engagements, first steps, friends celebrations, job promotions. He is there.
Trust Him.
Wait on Him.
Talk to Him.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
What can you do?
I was sitting on the floor tonight just staring at a plaque I received a couple of months ago. I posted on it, including a picture if you'd like to see it.
The plaque simply states "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4"13
I sat here, just reading the words over and over again wondering about them. Wondering about some people I've met recently and their situations. Wondering vaguely about the people I live with and their situations. Wondering about the kids and their situations. Wondering about my family and their situations. Wondering about myself and my own situations.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. I can do all things, I can do all things, I can do all things...
Then suddenly the question crossed my mind: What can I do?
When I read the context of what Paul is saying in that chapter it doesn't fit what we generally use the verse for.
I love to pop that verse out when I want to do something that I'm not sure I can actually accomplish "I can do all things". When I was on a puppet team, part of the practice was constantly going up, and down (walking your puppet high into the air, and walking it realistically back down) and we did this to the rhythm of "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" set to music. It was hard work because you're not used to holding your arm in such positions for so long.
But you had to do it to build up endurance if you ever wanted to be able to actually endure a show.
If you asked me to go to China, and preach the gospel in a hostile country I would announce that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me". And I would be wrong.
But if God asked me to go to China, and preach the gospel in a hostile country, I could announce the very same thing and be 100% accurate.
I can only stand confident that I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me, if I am confident I am doing something for which Christ would strengthen me for. Do so many of our endeavors fail and crumble because we are constantly attempting things for which God is not willing to strengthen us for? Obviously if I set out to murder someone, I'd be crazy to imagine that I would succeed because "I can do all things..."
Yet I wonder if that foolish man, building his house upon the sand said those exact same words.
If the prodigals of this world wandered from home saying "I can do all things..."
We've put more emphasis on the "I" rather than the "Christ".
Paul learned to be content though we was abased because God led him into abasement. He learned to be content though he abounded because God led him into abundance.
Paul learned to be content through trials because God led him into trials.
To which he stood up and said "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
If God leads me into something, He will give me the strength to make it through. Always.
But as I've grown all too fond of saying, my idea of 'making it' doesn't necessarily match up with His idea of 'making it'.
I was listening to a lady today who was obviously very hurt over her failed marriage. Her husband, a minister, had left her for a younger woman. Or, more accurately, she had left her husband when he informed her that he no longer cared for her and was in love with this younger woman.
She had walked away from a $250,000 house according to her. And in the conversation she just kept saying how she believed that if God shuts one door, He is opening a door for something better and a bigger blessing to you. So she stated that she was choosing to be excited because if God took a $250,000 house from her - then what greatness she was going to be coming into to get something better than that!
Gods idea of great, doesn't match mine. Personal prosperity of peace, joy, patience, love, gentleness, self-control, kindness, faith, goodness (that's 9, I think I got 'em all!) is not the same as financial prosperity. And while at times part of me would probably choose one over the other - ultimately, in concrete, I choose personal prosperity.
I'll scrawl dreams of financial prosperity into the sand to be washed away by the next tide.
I'd rather have Jesus.
But I only get my personal prosperity by following this tentative path where ever it leads me.
But I do it more soberly now in my heart, knowing that "I can't do all things."
But I can do all things as the Lord strengthens me for His work.
So what can I do? What will I have the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual strength to accomplish?
Whatever God wants me to.
Anything to add?
The plaque simply states "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4"13
I sat here, just reading the words over and over again wondering about them. Wondering about some people I've met recently and their situations. Wondering vaguely about the people I live with and their situations. Wondering about the kids and their situations. Wondering about my family and their situations. Wondering about myself and my own situations.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. I can do all things, I can do all things, I can do all things...
Then suddenly the question crossed my mind: What can I do?
When I read the context of what Paul is saying in that chapter it doesn't fit what we generally use the verse for.
I love to pop that verse out when I want to do something that I'm not sure I can actually accomplish "I can do all things". When I was on a puppet team, part of the practice was constantly going up, and down (walking your puppet high into the air, and walking it realistically back down) and we did this to the rhythm of "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" set to music. It was hard work because you're not used to holding your arm in such positions for so long.
But you had to do it to build up endurance if you ever wanted to be able to actually endure a show.
If you asked me to go to China, and preach the gospel in a hostile country I would announce that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me". And I would be wrong.
But if God asked me to go to China, and preach the gospel in a hostile country, I could announce the very same thing and be 100% accurate.
I can only stand confident that I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me, if I am confident I am doing something for which Christ would strengthen me for. Do so many of our endeavors fail and crumble because we are constantly attempting things for which God is not willing to strengthen us for? Obviously if I set out to murder someone, I'd be crazy to imagine that I would succeed because "I can do all things..."
Yet I wonder if that foolish man, building his house upon the sand said those exact same words.
If the prodigals of this world wandered from home saying "I can do all things..."
We've put more emphasis on the "I" rather than the "Christ".
Paul learned to be content though we was abased because God led him into abasement. He learned to be content though he abounded because God led him into abundance.
Paul learned to be content through trials because God led him into trials.
To which he stood up and said "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
If God leads me into something, He will give me the strength to make it through. Always.
But as I've grown all too fond of saying, my idea of 'making it' doesn't necessarily match up with His idea of 'making it'.
I was listening to a lady today who was obviously very hurt over her failed marriage. Her husband, a minister, had left her for a younger woman. Or, more accurately, she had left her husband when he informed her that he no longer cared for her and was in love with this younger woman.
She had walked away from a $250,000 house according to her. And in the conversation she just kept saying how she believed that if God shuts one door, He is opening a door for something better and a bigger blessing to you. So she stated that she was choosing to be excited because if God took a $250,000 house from her - then what greatness she was going to be coming into to get something better than that!
Gods idea of great, doesn't match mine. Personal prosperity of peace, joy, patience, love, gentleness, self-control, kindness, faith, goodness (that's 9, I think I got 'em all!) is not the same as financial prosperity. And while at times part of me would probably choose one over the other - ultimately, in concrete, I choose personal prosperity.
I'll scrawl dreams of financial prosperity into the sand to be washed away by the next tide.
I'd rather have Jesus.
But I only get my personal prosperity by following this tentative path where ever it leads me.
But I do it more soberly now in my heart, knowing that "I can't do all things."
But I can do all things as the Lord strengthens me for His work.
Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
So what can I do? What will I have the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual strength to accomplish?
Whatever God wants me to.
Anything to add?
Monday, July 20, 2009
Listening for God
I was reading a post concerning Josh Wood. You might recall I had posted on him nearly two years ago when he was attacked and went into a coma. His mother still posts on his caringbridge website if you'd like to see updates.
The update I read today had a special Bible verse in it and I had to stop and read the chapter.
It was from Isaiah 30.
The verses I pulled out were 19-21. (Isaiah 30:19-21)
The whole chapter is about these people that went into great sin, and then the Lord says something interesting.
I'd hate to think that my actions were making God wait on being gracious to me. I just found that verse especially interesting.
But then the next three verses completely got my attention:
I always worry about taking Bible verses that seem to be in a particular context and simply inserting them into my life and situation. It could simply be the typical issue like how you never notice a blue Jeep Liberty until someone mentions it. Then you see them all over the place.
I don't like red herrings.
There were just a lot of key words that I've been using a lot lately in this entire chapter. Even though it seems like an awfully strange chapter to take comfort from. Seriously, have you read Isaiah 30 lately???
But still, the minute I read those verses Angie had posted I dropped what I was doing and stopped to read the chapter. I had to.
Because when God speaks, everybody listens. Even E.F. Hutton. ;)
The update I read today had a special Bible verse in it and I had to stop and read the chapter.
It was from Isaiah 30.
The verses I pulled out were 19-21. (Isaiah 30:19-21)
The whole chapter is about these people that went into great sin, and then the Lord says something interesting.
"And therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the LORD is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him." (Isaiah 30:18)
I'd hate to think that my actions were making God wait on being gracious to me. I just found that verse especially interesting.
But then the next three verses completely got my attention:
"For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem: thou shalt weep no more: he will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he shall hear it, he will answer thee.
And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity, and the water of affliction, yet shall not thy teachers be removed into a corner any more, but thine eyes shall see thy teachers:
And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left. "
I always worry about taking Bible verses that seem to be in a particular context and simply inserting them into my life and situation. It could simply be the typical issue like how you never notice a blue Jeep Liberty until someone mentions it. Then you see them all over the place.
I don't like red herrings.
There were just a lot of key words that I've been using a lot lately in this entire chapter. Even though it seems like an awfully strange chapter to take comfort from. Seriously, have you read Isaiah 30 lately???
But still, the minute I read those verses Angie had posted I dropped what I was doing and stopped to read the chapter. I had to.
Because when God speaks, everybody listens. Even E.F. Hutton. ;)
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Exceedingly and abundantly beyond all I can ask or think according to the power that worketh in me
I wanted to wait until I had something more solid but I wanted to share this interesting note.
I have been looking for work in San Antonio since about May. Since that time I've received little to no leads.
This is July... so I did what I do better than I do most other things. I took my job hunt to God. And I fasted for 2 days seeking Gods direction and leading in what He wanted me to do.
During those two days I got two phone calls setting up interviews.
I ended my fast.
My phone went entirely silent again.
I began yet another fast today.
Today I got two more phone calls.
It really doesn't mean as much unless you imagine weeks of applications and resumes and no response whatsoever. And then suddenly, I fast and interviews begin.
I almost (almost) think joblessness is the most exciting thing I've ever done. My only job is to do my best at applying for as many jobs as I can, and then simply trust God for the rest. It's... challenging and wonderful all at the same time.
Today, one of the calls I received is for a job that I have refused over and over again. People have asked me to do it for years, and I refused. And in fact, when I applied (almost as a joke) I made a point of telling them that I've refused the job before because I didn't feel I could do it.
They called saying they liked my honesty.
I hung up laughing at Gods crazy ways.
God is good. Quirky and crazy, Holy and Magnificent. And I cannot even imagine where He's going to take me next.
And I'm ok with that.
I have been looking for work in San Antonio since about May. Since that time I've received little to no leads.
This is July... so I did what I do better than I do most other things. I took my job hunt to God. And I fasted for 2 days seeking Gods direction and leading in what He wanted me to do.
During those two days I got two phone calls setting up interviews.
I ended my fast.
My phone went entirely silent again.
I began yet another fast today.
Today I got two more phone calls.
It really doesn't mean as much unless you imagine weeks of applications and resumes and no response whatsoever. And then suddenly, I fast and interviews begin.
I almost (almost) think joblessness is the most exciting thing I've ever done. My only job is to do my best at applying for as many jobs as I can, and then simply trust God for the rest. It's... challenging and wonderful all at the same time.
Today, one of the calls I received is for a job that I have refused over and over again. People have asked me to do it for years, and I refused. And in fact, when I applied (almost as a joke) I made a point of telling them that I've refused the job before because I didn't feel I could do it.
They called saying they liked my honesty.
I hung up laughing at Gods crazy ways.
God is good. Quirky and crazy, Holy and Magnificent. And I cannot even imagine where He's going to take me next.
And I'm ok with that.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Somebody's apple
I'm only scratching the surface of this thought, but even with only a scratch this post is written with a smile that can't seem to be tamed.
I unintentionally hurt someones kid this week. And while the kid was a friend, and I'm sorry to have hurt them, their parents are pretty important to me too. And these parents are certainly protective of their kids. Enough so, that, while I don't believe it is going to be a problem, the thought occurred to me that they could be upset with me.
I almost e-mailed them an apology just to cover my bases, and make sure they knew I wasn't oblivious or unconcerned with how my actions impacted their child.
But then I realized something.
I care about what the parents think of how I treat their children.
Do I care about what God thinks of how I treat His children?
So often, I go to God repenting of some sin, because I know it was something He wouldn't have wanted me to do. But I don't remember once ever fearfully and apologetically going to God nervous because I hadn't just done something stupid and wrong, but because I had hurt His child.
And I find that incredible.
And not just because it's a new way to consider my sins before God, but because it puts God more deeply into my mind as a Father who really cares about His kids. It's not just about you being sinful, or unrighteous and unholy. He cares about the fact that your stupid sins hurt people He loves.
And I love that.
I really do.
I've hurt some of Gods children - too many times in my life. Even in the situation that I described earlier, that was Gods child that I disappointed. Gods child.
But here is where the best part of the whole thing comes up.
While I can hurt someone elses kid and make their parents mad at me - I'm Gods kid, and when I hurt His kids He won't toss me out. He will love me because I'm His kid too.
I'm Somebody's kid.
And I really love being His child.
I hope I hang onto this lesson. Because aside from how thankful I am to know that God is protective of me the same way a regular parent would be of their child (except better), I want to remember that when I'm interacting with someone in a less than gracious way, that I'm talking/thinking/being unkind to someone that is of infinite value to Someone I love so very much and don't want disappointed in me.
As I revel in the idea that I'm the apple of Gods eye, and imagine what a beautiful, fully loved place that it is - I need to remember that a lot of other people are in that sweet apple spot too.
Father, help me remember that my perspective is such a shallow one and so very dim compared to what You see. Help me be gracious, and careful always to remember my absolute desire to bring You pleasure even when I am tempted. Don't let me forget. Let me never make You ashamed.
Hear a just cause, O LORD; attend to my cry!
Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit!
From your presence let my vindication come!
Let your eyes behold the right!
You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night,
you have tested me, and you will find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.
With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips
I have avoided the ways of the violent.
My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.
I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words.
Wondrously show your steadfast love,
O Savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings,
Psalms 17:1-8
I unintentionally hurt someones kid this week. And while the kid was a friend, and I'm sorry to have hurt them, their parents are pretty important to me too. And these parents are certainly protective of their kids. Enough so, that, while I don't believe it is going to be a problem, the thought occurred to me that they could be upset with me.
I almost e-mailed them an apology just to cover my bases, and make sure they knew I wasn't oblivious or unconcerned with how my actions impacted their child.
But then I realized something.
I care about what the parents think of how I treat their children.
Do I care about what God thinks of how I treat His children?
So often, I go to God repenting of some sin, because I know it was something He wouldn't have wanted me to do. But I don't remember once ever fearfully and apologetically going to God nervous because I hadn't just done something stupid and wrong, but because I had hurt His child.
And I find that incredible.
And not just because it's a new way to consider my sins before God, but because it puts God more deeply into my mind as a Father who really cares about His kids. It's not just about you being sinful, or unrighteous and unholy. He cares about the fact that your stupid sins hurt people He loves.
And I love that.
I really do.
I've hurt some of Gods children - too many times in my life. Even in the situation that I described earlier, that was Gods child that I disappointed. Gods child.
But here is where the best part of the whole thing comes up.
While I can hurt someone elses kid and make their parents mad at me - I'm Gods kid, and when I hurt His kids He won't toss me out. He will love me because I'm His kid too.
I'm Somebody's kid.
And I really love being His child.
I hope I hang onto this lesson. Because aside from how thankful I am to know that God is protective of me the same way a regular parent would be of their child (except better), I want to remember that when I'm interacting with someone in a less than gracious way, that I'm talking/thinking/being unkind to someone that is of infinite value to Someone I love so very much and don't want disappointed in me.
As I revel in the idea that I'm the apple of Gods eye, and imagine what a beautiful, fully loved place that it is - I need to remember that a lot of other people are in that sweet apple spot too.
Father, help me remember that my perspective is such a shallow one and so very dim compared to what You see. Help me be gracious, and careful always to remember my absolute desire to bring You pleasure even when I am tempted. Don't let me forget. Let me never make You ashamed.
Hear a just cause, O LORD; attend to my cry!
Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit!
From your presence let my vindication come!
Let your eyes behold the right!
You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night,
you have tested me, and you will find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.
With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips
I have avoided the ways of the violent.
My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.
I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words.
Wondrously show your steadfast love,
O Savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings,
Psalms 17:1-8
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Seeing what God is doing...
Last night, I'd been reading in the book of John where Jesus talks about how He only does what He sees the Father doing. So tonight, after a terrific time of worship and praise, I moved into a song that suddenly turned the tide with the lyrics "Now I can go into the Holy of Holies and make my petitions known."
I took the song as movement, and began to bring my petitions to God. My petition was that I would be able to see what the Father is doing, thus I could walk in His ways and pray His works. In other words, if Jesus healed people, by doing what He saw God doing - then I want to see what God is doing, so I can speak healing to the right people at the right time, because that's what God is doing at that moment.
Now.... making what could be a very long story, very short... a little while later here is what I've seen.
Not to belittle anything that God has done, it's just not much and I don't understand it.
I know a family whose son just went through surgery for things pertaining to his back. I know the son is currently home again, and spending most of his time in bed.
Add into that, tonight after asking God to show me what He's doing, I saw someone that I knew was a representation of God, and He was standing over the bed of the young man, and He rolled him over on his right side then reached over and put His fist into the boys back.
I don't understand, and I don't know if it's possible to make sense of it. But if anyone has a gift for such a thing... feel free to comment.
As a side note to this specific situation, I'd spent awhile at the hospital Friday night just praying for the young man, and the scripture that kept coming to mind was Ephesians 3:20
Then what do you know, on Sunday a woman in church stands up saying she's got a scripture she feels led to share. Sure enough, she reads Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"
But I want you to see verse 21, just because God deserves to have the 2nd half to that.
I took the song as movement, and began to bring my petitions to God. My petition was that I would be able to see what the Father is doing, thus I could walk in His ways and pray His works. In other words, if Jesus healed people, by doing what He saw God doing - then I want to see what God is doing, so I can speak healing to the right people at the right time, because that's what God is doing at that moment.
Now.... making what could be a very long story, very short... a little while later here is what I've seen.
Not to belittle anything that God has done, it's just not much and I don't understand it.
I know a family whose son just went through surgery for things pertaining to his back. I know the son is currently home again, and spending most of his time in bed.
Add into that, tonight after asking God to show me what He's doing, I saw someone that I knew was a representation of God, and He was standing over the bed of the young man, and He rolled him over on his right side then reached over and put His fist into the boys back.
I don't understand, and I don't know if it's possible to make sense of it. But if anyone has a gift for such a thing... feel free to comment.
As a side note to this specific situation, I'd spent awhile at the hospital Friday night just praying for the young man, and the scripture that kept coming to mind was Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"
Then what do you know, on Sunday a woman in church stands up saying she's got a scripture she feels led to share. Sure enough, she reads Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"
But I want you to see verse 21, just because God deserves to have the 2nd half to that.
20Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
21Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Psalms 18:32
I smashed into a wall tonight. No... I really do mean I walked into a wall. I turned the lights out in the house, and, assuming I knew the contours of my house well enough to make it in the dark, I literally smashed into a wall. It hurt too. Bare toes lose big time against walls.
But, as is my habit, I'm always making a connection between the stupid physical stuff that happens and my spiritual walk.
I'm arrogant when it comes to Christian things.
I've been in church my whole life, heard sermon upon sermon upon sermon. But, sometimes the lines between being a Churchtian and a Christian get blurred and I find myself smashing into a wall. I had a good walk, a personal relationship with Christ, but... well, life happened.
I get the connection with Peter, stepping out onto the stormy seas to walk to the Master. I stepped out (though not nearly to the same extent as Peter), but I all too quickly looked at the storm.. ok, I admit, it was probably just a brisk wind,... and the only time I looked back at Christ was to scream "I'm DROWNING".
In some ways, part of me wishes God would just give me up. Stop this incessant tugging at me to be something that I don't know how to be, and don't know how to let go enough to let Him make me. Then the other part remembers nights like Sunday night when I wondered if He really had.
Tuesday night, I lay in bed telling God that the hurt and fear I'm feeling seems to be stronger than Him. Whether He's promised to be stronger or not, the hurt and fear is winning. I told Him I'd rather go His way, but I didn't know how I could.
Quite literally, He said Psalms 18:32.
I lay, in the dark, thinking that most of the Psalms are too short to have 32 verses. I thought about how disappointing it would be to get up, turn the light on, pull out a bible, and find that chapter 18 stopped at verse 26 or something. Or worse, that there would be a 18:32 and it would say something like "They cried out, but there was none to save them, Even to the Lord, but He did not answer them." - That's verse 41 of that chapter.
Nevertheless, I got up, turned on said light, and pulled out said bible, and this is what I read:
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect.
Instantly I said, "BUT."
But, I'm not armed with strength, and my way is so far from perfect right now it's not even in the same zip code.
There was a fight that night, when as I was talking to God the devil began telling me what kind of person I was. He reminded me of all the people I'd hurt or caused to sin, and most especially he hit me with Little One as fear pressed in that I hadn't watched close enough for things that might needed to have been reported, he told me a better parent would have caught those things and Little One wouldn't be in danger.
Little One isn't necessarily in danger, everything could be just fine, I fear it's not though, and it eats me alive.
Unable to block out the words of fear and accusation running through my mind, I ended up holding onto the words "It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect." It didn't even make sense to me up against what the devil was reminding me of, but it was all I had.
I'm tempted to leave this entry with some kind of hopeful tone, indicating that somehow in the end I know that everything is going to be ok.
But I don't know that.
What I do know is I'm not strong, and my way isn't perfect.
Yeah... not much comfort huh.
But, as is my habit, I'm always making a connection between the stupid physical stuff that happens and my spiritual walk.
I'm arrogant when it comes to Christian things.
I've been in church my whole life, heard sermon upon sermon upon sermon. But, sometimes the lines between being a Churchtian and a Christian get blurred and I find myself smashing into a wall. I had a good walk, a personal relationship with Christ, but... well, life happened.
I get the connection with Peter, stepping out onto the stormy seas to walk to the Master. I stepped out (though not nearly to the same extent as Peter), but I all too quickly looked at the storm.. ok, I admit, it was probably just a brisk wind,... and the only time I looked back at Christ was to scream "I'm DROWNING".
In some ways, part of me wishes God would just give me up. Stop this incessant tugging at me to be something that I don't know how to be, and don't know how to let go enough to let Him make me. Then the other part remembers nights like Sunday night when I wondered if He really had.
Tuesday night, I lay in bed telling God that the hurt and fear I'm feeling seems to be stronger than Him. Whether He's promised to be stronger or not, the hurt and fear is winning. I told Him I'd rather go His way, but I didn't know how I could.
Quite literally, He said Psalms 18:32.
I lay, in the dark, thinking that most of the Psalms are too short to have 32 verses. I thought about how disappointing it would be to get up, turn the light on, pull out a bible, and find that chapter 18 stopped at verse 26 or something. Or worse, that there would be a 18:32 and it would say something like "They cried out, but there was none to save them, Even to the Lord, but He did not answer them." - That's verse 41 of that chapter.
Nevertheless, I got up, turned on said light, and pulled out said bible, and this is what I read:
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect.
Instantly I said, "BUT."
But, I'm not armed with strength, and my way is so far from perfect right now it's not even in the same zip code.
There was a fight that night, when as I was talking to God the devil began telling me what kind of person I was. He reminded me of all the people I'd hurt or caused to sin, and most especially he hit me with Little One as fear pressed in that I hadn't watched close enough for things that might needed to have been reported, he told me a better parent would have caught those things and Little One wouldn't be in danger.
Little One isn't necessarily in danger, everything could be just fine, I fear it's not though, and it eats me alive.
Unable to block out the words of fear and accusation running through my mind, I ended up holding onto the words "It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect." It didn't even make sense to me up against what the devil was reminding me of, but it was all I had.
I'm tempted to leave this entry with some kind of hopeful tone, indicating that somehow in the end I know that everything is going to be ok.
But I don't know that.
What I do know is I'm not strong, and my way isn't perfect.
Yeah... not much comfort huh.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
He's an Obvious God.
I'm one of those people... those frustrating people... that in a crowd, if you point at me and motion me forward I'll look behind me and assume you're talking to someone else and never look back again so I won't be confused by the fact that you're still looking at me/my general direction and motioning.
So, that said... I'm glad God sometimes drops all the subtle hints and does everything but say my name.
My boss, the big boss in my department, just happens to be friends with the superintendent of the whole facility. The superintendent is the highest, most powerful voice in our facility. And today, while I sat at her kitchen table, she cooked me lunch. I admit, I chuckled at the places life takes you the whole way to her house.
And sitting there, at her table, the superintendents kitchen table, I kept thinking "For such a time as this." The words that always reference to Queen Esther having been placed in the palace for reasons unbeknownst to her. I couldn't get that phrase off my mind today, though just like Esther, I certainly don't have a clue as to what any future reasons for my working where I work are. Maybe one day they'll show themselves. But, all through the day and on the drive home, those words just kept ringing in my ears:
For such a time as this.
Then suddenly the radio guy - I have no idea what program was playing - but the speaker on the radio referenced to Queen Esther and said he wanted to tell us that we've been placed where we are for such a time as this. He went on to explain some things about our positions to us, and Gods plans, and he just happened to not use my name. But that was the only thing lacking.
I'm glad I serve a sometimes obvious God. One that not only can but sometimes will make His words so plain that even I can catch His drift.
So, that said... I'm glad God sometimes drops all the subtle hints and does everything but say my name.
My boss, the big boss in my department, just happens to be friends with the superintendent of the whole facility. The superintendent is the highest, most powerful voice in our facility. And today, while I sat at her kitchen table, she cooked me lunch. I admit, I chuckled at the places life takes you the whole way to her house.
And sitting there, at her table, the superintendents kitchen table, I kept thinking "For such a time as this." The words that always reference to Queen Esther having been placed in the palace for reasons unbeknownst to her. I couldn't get that phrase off my mind today, though just like Esther, I certainly don't have a clue as to what any future reasons for my working where I work are. Maybe one day they'll show themselves. But, all through the day and on the drive home, those words just kept ringing in my ears:
For such a time as this.
Then suddenly the radio guy - I have no idea what program was playing - but the speaker on the radio referenced to Queen Esther and said he wanted to tell us that we've been placed where we are for such a time as this. He went on to explain some things about our positions to us, and Gods plans, and he just happened to not use my name. But that was the only thing lacking.
I'm glad I serve a sometimes obvious God. One that not only can but sometimes will make His words so plain that even I can catch His drift.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
What are you looking at?
Last week was a special kind of week, for all week long I had the strongest sense of God loving me despite my faults. I don't know how a person could possibly explain how they felt something like that so specifically, but it is what it is.
And in the midst of it all, I realized how much of my thoughts are taken up with how I've missed the mark. Maybe I wasn't kind enough, or patient enough, maybe I didn't spend as much time in prayer or bible reading as I felt I should have.... the list of shortcomings is plenty full and always growing.
And, me and my shortcomings, realized what a me-centered faith I have. My faith is only as great as I am - rather than being as great as God is.
There has been no overnight change for this behavior. But, as I began dealing with it, so came that pleasant feeling that He's mercies (plural) toward me aren't dependent on me. They're dependent on Him, being exactly who He says He is.
God knew what a cracked up vessel I was right from the beginning. Yet He chose me anyway. So when I enter into His presence I don't need to be wallowing around telling Him I've missed the mark and just don't 'get it'. I just need to forget what is behind and press towards the mark.
Not to say I stop trying to improve. But if my focus is God - I'll improve, and if my focus is improvement - ehhh, not so much.
And in the midst of it all, I realized how much of my thoughts are taken up with how I've missed the mark. Maybe I wasn't kind enough, or patient enough, maybe I didn't spend as much time in prayer or bible reading as I felt I should have.... the list of shortcomings is plenty full and always growing.
And, me and my shortcomings, realized what a me-centered faith I have. My faith is only as great as I am - rather than being as great as God is.
There has been no overnight change for this behavior. But, as I began dealing with it, so came that pleasant feeling that He's mercies (plural) toward me aren't dependent on me. They're dependent on Him, being exactly who He says He is.
God knew what a cracked up vessel I was right from the beginning. Yet He chose me anyway. So when I enter into His presence I don't need to be wallowing around telling Him I've missed the mark and just don't 'get it'. I just need to forget what is behind and press towards the mark.
Not to say I stop trying to improve. But if my focus is God - I'll improve, and if my focus is improvement - ehhh, not so much.
Monday, September 24, 2007
The breath of a sigh
I wish you could hear it. I really wish you could hear this. It's the sigh. And it's the best sigh ever.
I'm horrible at making up. I have a good memory, and while I don't like to think I hold grudges, I find it very very difficult to fight with someone and then step back into the friendly role I might have been in before the fight. So it was with God also.
Turning back to God was more spoken word than anything actually felt. I knew I needed to do it, wanted to do it, but honestly, didn't know how to do it. It's coming back after losing. He says 'this is who I am." (note the period at the end of the sentence). It's not up for negotiation, it's not up for me to put my conditions, and it's not up to Him to change to make me happy. "This is who I am." I either accept it, or don't. And I didn't. It's like losing the argument with a spouse over the ugly chair the husband wants to keep. One person is going to have to carry on NOT having gotten what they wanted.
How to be happy, and loving anyway?
That's what I didn't know.
So tonight came the return of something I haven't done in about a month. Maybe even longer. The song service in my living room. I wish you could have been there. By the end, I was asking God for all the things I've been asking for so long. At the very end I asked, please, could He just remind me somehow of His love.
Immediately "Ephesians 2:13"
I don't know what it says, so I drop everything and grab for the nearest bible. New Living Translation.
I dropped to my knees.
"But now you belong to Christ Jesus. Though you once were far away from God, now you have been brought near to him because of the blood of Christ. "
But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. (NIV)
But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ. (KJV)
But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. (NAS)
It sounds good no matter what translation I find. What followed can only be described as a lightening of the load. My heart feels lighter. I don't remember feeling like I couldn't breathe before, but now it seems the air I'm breathing is cooler, more refreshing, lighter. It's hard to describe.
I probably scarred my little girl a little more as I wept and spoke in tongues as I dried her off and got her ready for bed. Finally getting some control I began happily saying over and over that Jesus loves her, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves us. Bedtime prayers took a little longer as she was at least patient while I pled the blood over her mom, her dad, and their marriage, their home, her future, her training, her relationship with Christ... I get long winded when I'm excited.
And that's exactly what it was. Excitement. I've felt so awful, for so long...
I'm not there yet. I still see the holding back on my part. I don't know how to get past it except to continue praying my way through it all. I found my piece of acceptance. I may need some more, but I've got a start again. And that's going to get me through the night.
But I wish you could hear this sigh.
I'm horrible at making up. I have a good memory, and while I don't like to think I hold grudges, I find it very very difficult to fight with someone and then step back into the friendly role I might have been in before the fight. So it was with God also.
Turning back to God was more spoken word than anything actually felt. I knew I needed to do it, wanted to do it, but honestly, didn't know how to do it. It's coming back after losing. He says 'this is who I am." (note the period at the end of the sentence). It's not up for negotiation, it's not up for me to put my conditions, and it's not up to Him to change to make me happy. "This is who I am." I either accept it, or don't. And I didn't. It's like losing the argument with a spouse over the ugly chair the husband wants to keep. One person is going to have to carry on NOT having gotten what they wanted.
How to be happy, and loving anyway?
That's what I didn't know.
So tonight came the return of something I haven't done in about a month. Maybe even longer. The song service in my living room. I wish you could have been there. By the end, I was asking God for all the things I've been asking for so long. At the very end I asked, please, could He just remind me somehow of His love.
Immediately "Ephesians 2:13"
I don't know what it says, so I drop everything and grab for the nearest bible. New Living Translation.
I dropped to my knees.
"But now you belong to Christ Jesus. Though you once were far away from God, now you have been brought near to him because of the blood of Christ. "
But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. (NIV)
But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ. (KJV)
But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. (NAS)
It sounds good no matter what translation I find. What followed can only be described as a lightening of the load. My heart feels lighter. I don't remember feeling like I couldn't breathe before, but now it seems the air I'm breathing is cooler, more refreshing, lighter. It's hard to describe.
I probably scarred my little girl a little more as I wept and spoke in tongues as I dried her off and got her ready for bed. Finally getting some control I began happily saying over and over that Jesus loves her, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves us. Bedtime prayers took a little longer as she was at least patient while I pled the blood over her mom, her dad, and their marriage, their home, her future, her training, her relationship with Christ... I get long winded when I'm excited.
And that's exactly what it was. Excitement. I've felt so awful, for so long...
I'm not there yet. I still see the holding back on my part. I don't know how to get past it except to continue praying my way through it all. I found my piece of acceptance. I may need some more, but I've got a start again. And that's going to get me through the night.
But I wish you could hear this sigh.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Keep talking
Two times, in two days I've come across these words. Yesterday I found them in my own reading of the Word, and this morning Chris HH posted them on his blog without even a word of commentary on it. God is speaking. It's still just really hard to accept.
Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.
I will restore the fortunes of Judah and the fortunes of Israel, and rebuild them as they were at first. I will cleanse them from all the guilt of their sin against me, and I will forgive all the guilt of their sin and rebellion against me.
Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.
I will restore the fortunes of Judah and the fortunes of Israel, and rebuild them as they were at first. I will cleanse them from all the guilt of their sin against me, and I will forgive all the guilt of their sin and rebellion against me.
And this city shall be to me a name of joy, a praise and a glory before all the nations of the earth who shall hear of all the good that I do for them. They shall fear and tremble because of all the good and all the prosperity I provide for it. Jeremiah 33:6-9
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