Forest Gump, Church, and Prophetic visions...... Oh my.

Church is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get.

An interesting thing happened this morning at church. Something that I don't quite know what to do with despite my many years at church and several "prophecies" I've received telling me that I was going to play the piano and God was going to use it. (I've pretty much always been the church piano player, so this is always an easy prophecy to make and win - leaving me all the more skeptical of the "prophet" and his authenticity.)

But this morning, I pulled in to the lot at Grace Tabernacle. Upon many recommendations from my pastor, and even the father of our bishop (for our section of IPHC), I finally went back to visit the church.
I pull up and a middle-aged hispanic couple pull up next to me. I wait to get out of my car so our doors won't fight with each other and I notice the lady keeps looking in my car at me. I figure its because I'm sitting in a car (in San Antonio heat/humidity even 45seconds in a car means you're now a soggy, sweaty mess and possibly trying to commit suicide).

Fast Forward through the service to me going back out to my car. The couple beats me to my car and are waiting by my car door. The man asks if I've got children.
No. But I will soon - and I explain the foster care plans.

He then translates for his only spanish speaking wife that when they drove up, she looked in my car and she saw me brushing the hair of a baby, a baby with curly hair.

It took me a minute to understand what I was hearing, because I began explaining how, no, I didn't leave a kid in the car when I walked in - I don't have a kid. I was sitting in my car, clutching my purse praying I'd get out of the car before I melted. I wasn't brushing a kids hair.

So he explains it again - she saw you. And through the conversation it turns out she has had other visions of things.

I don't know how to take it. Because once they said the words "curly hair" my mind was transported back to a toddler with dark brown eyes, and wavy little curls, wearing a yellow and pink princess jasmine nightgown and sitting on my lap all damp and clean while I brushed those curls before bedtime.

The people then ministered to me, telling me that sometimes people feel alone and empty but God is always there. Which, I was able to agree with because I didn't feel alone or empty. Nervous about fostering - yes, trying not to think too much about my house renting - yes, and thankful for all God has done this week - yes, all that and more, alone and empty - no..

But my eyes had filled with tears when they said "curly hair" so they prayed with me.

I'm questioning it but I don't want to discount it off hand. Maybe it's one of those times where God was doing something, saying something, and human nature adds to it something more because we feel we ought to.
Or perhaps, I'm going to feel very empty and alone in the coming weeks and this is Gods way of putting in His little reminder card "I told you not to feel empty or alone..."

I don't know. I just don't know.

SEEING the future.

I realized something as I thought about yesterdays post concerning my "passion".
I mentioned that the missional living hadn't really panned out as we'd imagined it because someone in the house didn't like strangers. But that's not the entire story. I don't know about anyone elses reasons, but I know that I simply had the idea that missional living was a good thing.

I had ideas of what missional living involved and what I could do to begin ministering.

But in the last couple of weeks I've had a vision of missional living.

The difference between the two is that I have a picture in my head now of exactly what my goal looks like.

There's nothing wrong with ideas. Let me say that I'm "ideas" biggest fan. I love the unusual and creative, the inventive and thoughtful. Change, not for changes sake, but for betterments sake. Ideas are wonderful.

But admittedly, sometimes I have ideas that I don't understand how to implement. I don't quite see exactly what they look like in production and often my methods go awry.

But a vision is a bird of a totally different color. At least for me anyway. Perhaps I'm just a bit too dim-witted for ideas to pull me through.
The vision though was just simply a picture of things that I already did, and how it would allow missional living to succeed. It gave me a picture of who I could reach out to. It told me where to do it. It told me what I would use to do it - and ironically enough it was the exact same method Jesus used quite often.
That takes care of who, what, when, where, how - and I already know the why.

Back in June when I moved here I wouldn't have been able to carry this off. But now that I've seen it - I'm anxious to begin scaring myself with the possibilities of it.

Have you ever seen your ideas before you began them?

Vision explained.

Wow.

What a night.


God spoke to me at 2am.

I really, really like it when God actually speaks in such a way that even I understand it.

I got up this morning at 1am to go do my second job. I have a nearly hour long trip to make to a warehouse to pick up newspapers and tonight I spent the entire time obsessing and worrying about being re-baptized.

I'm very ... intense ... about the event.

And I was floored and broken when God revealed something to me. (And when I say "broken" it's probably the best "broken" I've experienced with such profound relief and understanding.)

I was just a couple of blocks away from my destination when He did it, so it made it ten times worse that I couldn't stop crying at what He revealed. - It's really hard to explain why your all soggy just to pick up newspapers.

Do you remember this post?

I wrote it exactly one month ago today. But at the time I didn't know what it meant and I was praying for an interpretation of it.

Well today, driving down the road, stressing about the re-baptizism that I felt God wanted me to pursue I remembered that vision and the feeling of the water up to my chest.

And as clearly as if He had wrote it on my blog He said:

"I have baptized you in tears."

I wish I had words to tell you what it meant to me. I really do.

A vision - Rivers of living water.

I'm interrupting 40 days of faith again. Something happened tonight and I want to type it out if for no other reason than so I won't lose it. I'm desperately afraid that I'll go to sleep and in the exhaustion of the next few days forget some of the finer points of what I saw.

Tonight, I wrote a post in which I mentioned my eyes watering. You won't be seeing it until Wednesday I believe. But then I went to bed, and I was lying there, listening with annoyance to a bug crawl across some papers somewhere in the room.

I closed my eyes, and I saw as clear as a person could see, water. The water came chest high on me in the room, and for some reason I bent down to pull some kind of plug to release the water. I then realized that it was futile to drain the water in that way, because the water wasn't just in the room, it was all over the area. From inside to outside the house. And that's when I discovered that the water was coming from my eyes. Not tears, but thick streams flowing from my eyes filling the room.

I opened my eyes and the image was gone, then as I was trying to figure out what on earth it could possibly mean the phrase came into my mind "rivers of living water".

None of it makes sense at this point. And it could easily very well be that I'm working a lot and sleeping less. But this one felt like the other few times, so real and so wide awake.

If anyone has any insight, please share it. Or at the least, pray that I'll gain insight.

Continuing the dream discussion

Wow.. I wish I had more time to comment on my OWN blog during the day!
I've really enjoyed reading this discussion between you two.

ED, I liked your statement "lately i see myself driven not by goals or ambitions but an understanding that God can do extraordinary things with ordinary people if we only turn ourselves over to him."

Then I went to SLW's comment "it's not wrong to have desires or goals per se, often what are promoted as such are ego driven, greed driven, or driven by some other orientation that smacks of a love for this world and the things that are in it."

And again, I'm drawn to the idea that there are some goals that are NOT driven by greed, ego, or love for the world. I truly believe that there are some ideas that are passionately driven by a love for the people in the world.

Could... maybe.. the problem be that we are calling our calling - a dream? God calls us to accomplish certain works on this earth, do certain things, and we're too afraid to do it so it then becomes classified as a 'dream'?

What do you think of that possibility?

Conversation about dreams

SLW brought up a point that dreams can end up frustrating people. I can see how that's exactly true. He mentioned that it's the famous few that actually chase, and unveil those.

How do you know if you're going to be the famous few or not though?
Are those famous few dreams realized, worth the cost of all those yahoo's chasing their dreams?

How many lives are ruined each year as husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, friends, and people of trust, throw caution to the wind and chase those foolish dreams leaving shattered people to pick up the pieces, pay the bills, and keep the real world running.

I get that.

I don't know of any foolproof way to figure out if yours is the whimsical dream of fancy, or if it's the direct vision from God planted into your heart.
And at the same time, it's easy to chase after Gods dreams in your own ways and timing, rather than Gods.

Or maybe I just hit a key word a minute ago? Vision, vs dreams. Is it an important difference?
Do visions tell you of what God is seeing. And dreams focus on the imaginary?

There was an interesting post by Steven Furtick called "Look Within" this afternoon and it resonated with what I've been thinking about in dreams today. Take a look at it, even if you don't connect it to the dream discussion, it's still a good post to remind you to have faith in what God is leading you into.

Healing

I tell you, Christians everywhere make these things look easy. They never mention things like "I didn't know if it was me or God", I've never heard the humorous stories about the 200 times it wasn't God, and they royally embarrassed themselves, in the 250 times they tried to pray for someone. No, I only hear about the 50 times God did something miraculous.

My friends, I can assure you, you won't have that problem with me when you read my blog. You'll probably see me wondering "is it me or God" so many times you'll want to quit reading!

Last night the important question of the night was.. "Is it God? or do I just need a new mattress?"

If you're confused, then let me assure you that you did read the sentence right. If you weren't confused by it, you should probably reread it.

I've spent the last two days with my back hurting. Nothing major, but something just annoying enough that I kept stretching trying to work out the kinks. I assumed, that my mattress was to blame and was considering trying to flip it this weekend. I'm proud to say I own a 10 yr old mattress. It's worth having a few sags, to have the privilege of that statement.

But last night, as I was praying just before going to sleep, I remembered that I've heard people say that if they were suppose to pray for someone with hearing troubles, they would sometimes experience a bit of hearing troubles. Chris, over at Hamer-Hodges mentioned the same thing recently with his throat - where you experience sensations in the area that the person you should be praying for is feeling pain.

So I said, what if this is my notice to be praying for my friends son? So I mimicked what I saw God do, and I reached around and I put my fist into my back and began to pray for him. And I did it until the pain in my own back was virtually gone. I still had a small twinge when I moved but nothing like it was before.

I don't know where all of this leads exactly, I doubt that he's going to jump out of bed this morning saying "Look mom! the pains gone!" But that's why I keep praying. Because I don't have enough faith for the big miracles. I'm going to keep praying until I grow. And I certainly won't stop there! I hope every once in awhile God finds enough faith in me.

What do you think that verse means when it says Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Ephesians 3:20

What's that "power that worketh in us" mean?

Seeing what God is doing...

Last night, I'd been reading in the book of John where Jesus talks about how He only does what He sees the Father doing. So tonight, after a terrific time of worship and praise, I moved into a song that suddenly turned the tide with the lyrics "Now I can go into the Holy of Holies and make my petitions known."

I took the song as movement, and began to bring my petitions to God. My petition was that I would be able to see what the Father is doing, thus I could walk in His ways and pray His works. In other words, if Jesus healed people, by doing what He saw God doing - then I want to see what God is doing, so I can speak healing to the right people at the right time, because that's what God is doing at that moment.

Now.... making what could be a very long story, very short... a little while later here is what I've seen.

Not to belittle anything that God has done, it's just not much and I don't understand it.

I know a family whose son just went through surgery for things pertaining to his back. I know the son is currently home again, and spending most of his time in bed.

Add into that, tonight after asking God to show me what He's doing, I saw someone that I knew was a representation of God, and He was standing over the bed of the young man, and He rolled him over on his right side then reached over and put His fist into the boys back.

I don't understand, and I don't know if it's possible to make sense of it. But if anyone has a gift for such a thing... feel free to comment.

As a side note to this specific situation, I'd spent awhile at the hospital Friday night just praying for the young man, and the scripture that kept coming to mind was Ephesians 3:20

"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"

Then what do you know, on Sunday a woman in church stands up saying she's got a scripture she feels led to share. Sure enough, she reads Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"

But I want you to see verse 21, just because God deserves to have the 2nd half to that.

20Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
21Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

I have a dream.

I say have, not had, because I'm waiting for it to come to fruition.

But, this week I had a dream. I cannot post about it, because the person involved reads my blog and I don't want to do anything that would seem like "helping" God in this instance. But I did want to document it as much as I can.

In the year 2008 I expect to see it happen.

The best part of the whole thing is my beginning confidence in these things. In the last two weeks, a lot of things have happened. Life changing things that really have just come out of the blue. But they came out of the blue after I asked God specifically about them. It's really just opening me up to expect God in more and more as I experience new things. And when those nudges come, I'm beginning to give them more credit than I normally would have before. And now I wonder how far off base I have been as I sought so much of Gods power - and not enough of God.

It's not about seeing God do something, it's about seeing God, while He does something.

The wings of a whisper.

Music is wonderful.
If you have never sung a prayer, you really should try it. Even if you don't feel you sing well, sing a prayer. It's a song you write yourself, doesn't have to rhyme, or have a catchy tune to it.
And it's just a wonderful moment.

For several minutes tonight I simply sang the words "I need" over and over and over. It slowly evolved until there I was singing how I 'needed' His touch, His presence, His favor, His mercy, His knowledge, and on the list went.

An hour later, I simply had to keep playing (the piano - for those that don't know me) and I could just close my eyes and enjoy the sweet Spirit.

And all this happened from the confines of my living room. The very room that just one week ago I would have said it was impossible to find rest in.

During this past month, I'd been having a recurring nightmare. I won't piece together all of it for you, but at the end, just before waking up I would desperately be trying to say the name of Jesus. Only, using all my strength, I was still barely croaking out a whisper. Panic would set in because I knew I needed to say the name, but I simply couldn't - no matter how hard I tried - get it to sound off any louder.

I've got a lot of thoughts I've taken away from this past month. A lot. But the one that really stands out to me tonight is my whisper. Even whispering the name of Jesus is strong enough. I kept trying to do something more spiritual, something big enough to get Gods attention and scare the devil. In my dreams, the fear always set in because I couldn't yell loud enough, strong enough, to make a difference. But God can hear me whisper.

That's not to say me and my whispering changed my situation here, because relief didn't come until someone else came in and claimed it. Or maybe it was those whispers that had God send those people into the situation. Either way, He heard my whispers.

There are a lot of prayers I've failed to pray. Every now and then a large need will come to my attention and I'll mark it off to pray later when I've got some time to devote to it - even if it's just a few minutes. In the middle of answering phones, or greeting customers, that's not the time to pray for something as important as a baby that might not make it through the day. But I dismiss that moment that I have available to do all that I can. I miss that moment to whisper a prayer.

A couple of weeks back, I worked several hours at something that a man with a backhoe would do in less than an hour. And I still certainly didn't accomplish as much as him. I still did it, stubbornly misquoting a verse about not despising small things and yet I haven't treated something as important as my prayers the same way.

I felt convicted tonight as I told my Father of need after need after need that I have not of things, but of Him. I need. I need Him. I want Him to be in every breath, every thought, every single fiber of my being. But to get to that part, I need to give Him every breath, every thought, and every fiber of my being including my whispers. When I say I want Him in my life... life sounds awfully BIG. So I mentally assume I'll give Him the big things in my life. But it's asking His presence in the small things in your life that is the most challenging. Because it's so easy to discount the giving of those things.

God, help me remember to whisper.

O God, be not still.

I don't know how to say what all has happened in the last few days.

It's nice to know from the comments I've received that people out there in the Christian world believe things like this happen, and are praying. Thank you.

Like I said though, I don't know how to tell you about the events of the week. And I find I don't want to. I confess it's a very vulnerable feeling wondering how many people think you've cracked up. When I get through this, I really never want to see anything like it again. But for now, for this small period of time that I'm typing this out, I'm going to pretend the bad stuff isn't here and I'll tell you about the good stuff.

Almost immediately after posting Sunday night, I felt a change. Not so much in the things around me, but in me. I've got a calm now that I didn't have before.

I was thinking back tonight to months ago when I had a serious problem (not of this sort) and I got angry with the devil and I stomped through my house yelling at him. I yelled at him that he wanted to tell me lies, and so I would tell him some truth. And I proceeded to tell him my future, his future, Gods promises, who God was, what He would always be, and then made a point to include the fact that any logical person would be able to grasp the idea that if the devil is telling you it "is so" then, obviously the truth is that it "isn't so" and that I appreciated him clearing up that question of what 'really is' for me.

I don't make it a point to talk to the devil. I never do it really. At just that point though, it seemed fitting. Within days of that event I saw my first vision. God gave me a vision of my problem disappearing, vanishing. And my problem did indeed vanish. Thinking back to those days brings back such sweet thoughts. Having that vision, was like getting a glimpse of God. That's the only way I can describe it. I've gained some really incredible God memories this year. I suppose in the art of war it was only appropriate that I should have expected some incredible Devil memories too.

Monday I woke up with the phrase "Be not afraid". And looking back at Sunday nights post I see how many times the idea of fear cropped up in there. But all day long that phrase kept coming back to me. A commenter, Jennifer, left those words in a comment today as well.

Out of curiosity I brought up bible.com and asked it what other things I should "be not". Interestingly enough I didn't find what I expected. I found a list of 'be nots' for God.

But you, O LORD, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me. Ps. 22:19

O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord. Ps. 35:22

O LORD, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Ps. 38:21

"Hear my prayer, O LORD, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. For I dwell with you as an alien, a stranger, as all my fathers were. Ps. 39:12

Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me. Ps. 71:12

O God, do not keep silent; be not quiet, O God, be not still. Ps. 83:1


During bible study tonight we were reading in Ezekiel where God tells Ezekiel "Go do this." Ezekiel had been obedient and doesn't seem to even be questioning all the instructions he'd received up to that point. But on this particular issue he turned to God and petitioned Him. And God understood, and changed His command a bit.

Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that the whole days events aren't written in stone. He listens. He relents. He's a good Father. I believe during the last weeks that He has heard me. I don't have as good a track record as Ezekiel had on obedience. But it doesn't change Gods ability and desire to hear me.

So hear this: I need You.

What a strange post.

Ok.

Sometimes it's fun and easy to say crazy things. I told my little one this afternoon that an elephant must have snuck into the room and stole away all our markers. It was fun.

This is not.


Something is happening at my house.

Standing outside my house in the evening I've seen shadows of people in the windows of my house. There's no one in my house. There's something in my house. And most especially my bedroom.

Walking into the house, my stomach begins to churn. By the time I've been home a few hours I've usually already begun throwing up. If I spend that much time specifically in my bedroom, I get sharp pains in my sides, arms and neck. I leave my bedroom and the pain stops, but the sickness continues. I leave the house, and after a couple of hours I'm just fine. I've napped in my car just trying to get some rest. And at night, I'm now sleeping in my living room on the couch.
This is by far the strangest thing I've ever experienced.

This morning at church, the text for the sermon was from Revelation 3, and my eyes wandered over to Revelation 2:25. "Only hold on to what you have until I come." it says. And I realize I've lost ground over the last weeks. A lot of ground.
I'm afraid in my house. I'm literally afraid. I know that I have seen things and I've just completely worn out. If this were a physical war I'd be buried by now.

I've been told to read the scripture out loud by several people and I haven't. At least not in the main room that's scared me away. And as I was praying tonight I thought about why I wouldn't read out loud. The scripture came to my mind about the unclean spirit that left, but came back seven times worse and I realized how frightened I am of making the situation worse.

I almost called my pastor this morning to say I wouldn't be at church. I was still throwing up just before I walked out the door. But I realized what a scary trap that was if safety was outside my door but I was too sick to get out the door. I don't want to live like this. And the concept of what is happening here seems unbelievable to me. I don't know that I'd believe it if someone else told me this story. I'd come up with rationalizations. But now that I've experienced this week I don't know that I'd ever disbelieve a story about demons again.

I want my peace back. I want rest. But more than anything, I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I'm not trying this tonight. But tomorrow night I'm going to start fighting back. I want my room back. I want my house back. I want my life back. I want my power back.

And the devil laughed

(As you'll be able to see, this post took a different turn towards the end. I didn't expect to say what I was saying, but when the writing begins to flow, I let it. This painted a vivid picture in my mind, but I'm not that good a painter so you might not see the same picture. My only qualification is that, no, I'm not saying I'm sitting on a pew dying. Good luck.)

I can't take it anymore. What does that mean?
It may seem like a dumb question, but it's one I faced.
When you feel like you just can't stand it anymore, what do you do?
You can't stand it.
You can't handle it.
You can't take it.

Just because you can't "stand" it anymore, doesn't change the situation. It doesn't make the situation stop. It doesn't make whatever is bugging you go away. It doesn't change one thing.

Just because you can't 'handle' it anymore, doesn't change the fact that the situation is out of your control to 'handle' anyway.

Just because you can't 'take' it anymore, doesn't change the fact that it's there, giving itself to you whether you can take it or not.

I told God recently, "I can't take much more God." And once again, God turns me with a question, "What will happen when you can't take any more?"

Words seem pretty pointless when you put it like that. My body can't stand the impact of a truck plowing into my car. But that doesn't change the situation if a truck plows into my car. Things break, things hurt, and after a time, my body will begin to be able to 'stand' things again.

But when it comes to spiritual things it's a lot harder to label it. There certainly can be spiritual things that sideswipe me and break my spirit, but it's all invisible. No one sees your spirit in a sling or your peace set into a cast or maybe just the bruises on your happiness. People can't see those things.

It allows people to be crushed, and left broken, wondering how the world can't see that joy died, or that faith has become paralyzed. And we can go through all these transitions while sitting in a pew, teaching a sunday school class, witnessing to neighbors or leading the choir, or for a lot of very congregation weary pastors out there, it can also happen while pastoring a church. And people never see.

It leaves me curious, fearfully curious as to what all is around me. How many Christians have suffered spirit crippling collisions and never tended to their injuries?

Maybe things in this world got worse and worse as we stopped performing first aid on our Christian wounded. The phone calls, the visits, the letters, the friendship and fellowship, the knowing your church families hurts as if they were your own. Tending the wounds of our brothers and sisters, purging out the dirt that seeps into wounds, cleansing and healing each other.

Instead, our Christians sat on pews, while their spirit, joy, hope, and their ability to love others (rather than just hope for survival) dripped down onto the church floor like blood.
We began to die.
And no one really noticed.
And the devil laughed.

1 step recipe for success.

Spend time in prayer.

Be prepared.

About two weeks ago I had a crazy dream. My church was giving diving classes. Teaching people to dive. The diving was taking place in the baptistery. People were diving into the baptistery and just disappearing into the depths until hours later they would resurface. (Tell me there's no symbolism there...)
We were going to have ceremony of sorts for those who had completed the program and learned to dive. I was at the church talking to people, when I realized I didn't have the right clothes for the ceremony (diving clothes). So I had to run home and get the clothes. The entire thing was being held up, just for me, so I was hurrying and upset. Then when I made it back to the church, something else happened and apparently I set my diving clothes down. I couldn't find them again. People waited and waited for me. I remember vividly my pastor turning to me and looking so disappointed. Then suddenly all around me were disappointed faces.
The ceremony continued, and I was unable to be a part of it because I never could find those diving clothes.

I remember waking up feeling so disappointed.

Matthew 17:15-21
Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water.
And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him.
Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour.
Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out?
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.


What? "Nothing is impossible for you" BUT. BUT? BUT?!? But this kind needs prayer and fasting to accomplish. Grain of mustard seed or prayer and fasting?
Which is it?

Whether I completely "get it" or not, the fact remains the same. I have time, right this moment, to be preparing for the challenges of tomorrow.

When that challenge comes and I'm claiming all sorts of promises about mustard seeds and mountains and "possible impossibilities" I don't want to be reminded of "Howbeit". Today I will pray, today I will fast. I don't want to be unprepared. There are things coming that I need to be prepared for. God is leading and moving and as He does those things challenges arise. And I don't want to ever be caught unprepared.

People are watching. Sometimes people are waiting. And sometimes the number of people looking at me seems staggering. But I don't want them to see me frantically looking around unprepared. I've wasted a lot of years and I've got a lifetime of preparation to make up for. Every ounce of preparation though, needs to be seasoned with mustard seeds. I've decided I want more seeds.

God help me to be in a constant state of readiness. Prepared and able to meet whatever tomorrow holds.

Lighten the boat

The boat vanished.

I told you recently that I had a vision. In that vision, the boat vanished. The boat that I hit, was later interpreted to be a problem, that in real life was resolved. The boat vanished.
It didn't sink.
It didn't smash into pieces.
There was no debris to avoid.
I did not have to load up debris to carry with me.

The boat simply vanished.

Even if the boat had sunk to the depths of the sea, it would still exist, and some curious person is always diving down deep to find old sunken boats.

They'll never find the boat I hit.
Because it vanished.


Ok, follow me will you?
The boat = problem.
Vanished.

God knows me. God knew I needed my boat/problem to vanish or I would hold onto a lot of debris. I would carry the debris around with me, as a reminder of why you should be afraid to go boating. I might make a memorial to the debris. To the destruction. I would always be able to point to the spot where I struck my problem and say "This is it, this is the place, and if you look deep down you'll find the remains of that boat that I hit"
I can't do that. Because He made my boat/problem vanish.

If you asked me though, I'd say it was necessary to hold that memorial. To carry around that debris as a reminder. I'm entitled to it. The hurt and devastation it caused was my purchase price. I own it now. It's mine. I deserve to carry the debris around. You just can't tell me that I can't carry around the debris if I want to. It struck MY boat. I had to spend weeks fixing up my boat, and I don't think my boat will ever run the same!

I've struck a lot of boats in my few years. And each time, I've faithfully loaded up the debris onto my own ship, trying to clean up the area so others boating along won't hit the mess. My boat could only hold a certain amount of weight though before it got sluggish and barely moved. Any storm that came along threatened to sink me because well, I was too weighted down.

In the story of Jonah, some of the first actions of the crewmen when the storm began raging against the ship: Lighten the ship. They threw off unnecessary things. They threw off necessary things. All just to make the ship a little lighter so it would survive.

In my life, the very first thing I had to throw out was the deed I had written up, declaring my ownership of the debris. I'd paid a price for this debris, it cost me, and it's mine. That's what my deed said. I ripped it up and threw that out first. Then I started throwing out the debris.

Sure, every now and then a storm comes along and I find some little cubby that was crammed full of stuff and I didn't realize it. But I no longer own it. It's as unwanted as a stowaway. It's taking a free ride on me and I throw it over board. My ship is lighter now. Easier to steer. It moves faster. It doesn't quite turn on a dime, but it's at least improving.


Taking it out of the symbolic: Sometimes I've allowed myself to be afraid because hey, I've had xyz happen before and it made me afraid. I claim this event, and I'm going to carry that because it hurt me. You can't tell me it didn't hurt me and that I don't have a right to be hurt over this!
I've adamantly defended my right to be hurt, angry, afraid, bitter, resentful.
And worse yet, I've used my past as an explanation for the sins in my life today.

I've had to choose. Sure, xyz happened, but I claim I have a right to toss it overboard. I have the right to sail on past it. To move past the hurt. Because you know what? It's not my mess. Now, if you come over here and ram your boat into me and make a huge mess all around me and I may very well tell you, YOU made this mess, YOU clean it up. I've got somewhere to go. And I'm not stopping for this.

But, as I said in a recent post. Sometimes it's easier to hold onto lies, sometimes it's easier to hold onto hurt feelings and pain, than it is to hold onto the Truth. Letting go of the hurt and the past means one thing: I have no reason not to be what God would have me to be and act the way He would act. And I'm loathe to give up my excuse. Oh, but what a difference it made when I did.

May God hold you and shelter you in His peace.

The learning process

God is gracious. I just can't tell you how good God is. I had the best day yesterday. God is beginning to come down in powerfully obvious way in my life and it's just the greatest thing I've ever experienced. Saturday night I had two more visions, one concerning a friend and the other I haven't figured out yet.

I can't tell you the one concerning my friend, but the second one was amazing. The second one -specifically- wasn't a vision. I'm just calling it that because I don't know what else to call it. I simply began hearing the snap and crackle of a fire, and the sizzle of something burning. I heard it and immediately though, "YES!" Then I thought about how foolish I'd feel telling the fire department that, yes, I had heard a fire but assumed it was God - so I tried to turn and look at the spot where the sound was coming from only to find I couldn't move to see it. I could move, but I couldn't move to look at it. The next thing I remember it was morning and I woke up.

I'm blogging about all these experiences as I go along, so I want to make sure something is very clear. I don't know what I'm doing. There are a lot of things about this that I don't understand or know the best way about handling them. There are assumptions that someone more experienced in all this might make, that I haven't learned to make yet. I'm trusting God to teach me as we go.

If you have any advice, experience, or even questions... break the comment barrier and comment. Talk about it. You know different things than I do. So speak.

God answers prayer!

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Can I just tell you how much I love God?
He's just awesome. He is just AWESOME.


Ok, here's the story. I was excited all the way home just itching to tell this story. If you had told me something like this was possible in my life I would have theoretically agreed that "With God all things are possible". Then I would have thought.. but... um.. that's just not gonna happen.

Ok.. really, I'll tell you the story now.

Wednesday I closed my eyes and had a vision. Here's how I blogged it when I told it in a comment over at a post on Marks blog. (Read his post concerning his vision that started this whole journey)

I had a strange thing happen yesterday as well. Except I was wide awake and it ran like a movie, all I had to do was close my eyes to watch.

I saw myself on the lake and for some reason I had a tiny toothpick with which I was moving my boat forward (not an oar). But my boat was going fast and out of no where another boat appeared and my boat smashed into it. I thought, "Well my boat is going to sink" So I opened my eyes and the images of all this went away. Something nudged me and so I thought "Maybe this isn't over yet," So I closed my eyes again and instantly I was back on that lake, having just smashed into this boat. I assumed I was going to watch my boat sink so I waited. The other boat that I'd smashed into simply vanished into thin air. It didn't sink, it just vanished. And I didn't sink. I never looked down at my boat though to actually "see" my boat, but I had a sudden realization that I wasn't in a boat. But that I was just standing on the water. Something was holding me up, and that something wasn't damaged by the collision with the other boat. And that something never sunk.

The comments that followed actually resulted in someone receiving a word from God (though they weren't sure it was for me) with an interpretation. The link to the post above has all the comments if you want to read them. The only thing I want to add here is that the interpretation isn't complete, because there is something else to the vision that I want to discover. But for the most part, Beth (the commenter) burned me with the interpretation. It was amazing.

Ok.

The comments that followed ended up with me telling Mark:

I'd really enjoy just sitting down in the room around people like that when they talk. Really just to sit around listening to any group of people that's farther along in their walk than I am. It's just exciting and nothing jumpstarts my growth more than seeing what future growth looks like.

Much like these comments have turned out to be. It's been a joyful fellowship even though it's hours between comments. It's been great. Just great. I could do this for hours.

That's what I wrote today (Friday) at about 3pm.

Thursday I had received I phone call from a man. It was a little very mysterious, because he said he had information for me and wanted to meet me at a restaurant at 5:30pm on Friday. I barely know this man, but he attends a church that I use to attend and I have a lot of respect for him... so I agreed. I winced and worried, but I agreed.

At 9:30 tonight we finally parted company. For the first hour I wondered what on earth I was doing there. But the last three hours I sat talking to this man and thanking God for His amazing mercies. This man seemed to have a lot of ulterior reasons for meeting with me so a lot of things were talked about. But the last 3 hours were filled with him telling me about 6 different specific visions he's had and how they've come true (except for the one that he's waiting on fulfillment). In the most recent one he saw my city of Gainesville in the middle of a horrible flood, and his home was ok, it was protected. Exactly 1 week later the flood hit, and sure enough his home stood firm, dry and protected while his neighbors home flooded.

When I made the comment to Mark about how much I'd love to just sit around with people and listen, I never once imagined it was possible. I know a lot of Christians. But I don't seem to talk to any of them. Not about God. Not about growth. Not about change. Not about impossibilities. And certainly never about this aching desire to know God better, to have more of Him, to walk with Him just a little bit more and closer.

Mark had commented

I have a group of friends who practice prophetic evangelism and dream interpretation. They've invited me to join them because I feel drawn in this direction and I've become comfortable with the prophetic in recent years. I'm also hoping to learn a lot about dreams from them.

And when I read it and I could have cried. I told God, probably in a whiny voice, "I WANT THAT", "How do I get something like that?"

Then I got in my car and drove right to it.

God is so faithful. God is so perfect. I love Him so much. He planned my hearts desire before I ever whined about it. He hears me. He sees me.

My walk is determined by Him, led by Him, guided by Him, and restrained only by me. I spent the car ride home thanking God and repenting. I've held myself back from a closer walk. I could have so much more. He's just waiting on me. I can point to so many specific nudges and tugs Gods given me. He's always trying to get me what I say I want. I just don't always cooperate.

Over at "On Becoming Truer" he was talking about "How to experience God" and I left a comment saying I had a fairly simple way of experiencing God. I simply ask Him for it. And I'm not posting this entire testimony just because I'm excited (though I am) I'm also posting it to tell you something very important.

He'll do the same for you.

Ask Him for more, even if you don't know what "more" will look like yet. Just ask Him. Leave yourself open to strange encounters (I nearly cancelled meeting this guy a hundred times because the entire thing sounded so strange). Trust God. Follow those nudges even if they seem small. FOLLOW THEM. Gods nudge this morning was to read His word. In Jeremiah. I don't know what I was suppose to get out of Jeremiah. My eyes were blurry and I yawned through most of it to be honest. But I did it. For no better reason than God was urging me to. Follow His urges. At least, if you want a closer relationship anyway.

I'm so happy. I'm so blessed to have the opportunity to get to know God. To live in Him. God is so good.

trust Me

I love you.

I sent my Son, my beloved Son, to die for the world, yes. But I sent Him specifically for you as well. I don't want you to have to face eternity without Me. I'd do it again, and so would my Son.

Besides loving you, one of the reasons We were willing to do so much to preserve you, is because We knew the plans We had for you. We knew the purpose you would acheive with your life. It's a good purpose (We gave it to you!) and it's worth dying for. It was worth dying for, because We love the people you're going to touch as well.

And what kind of Father would I be if I sent you to do something that really couldn't be done? I'm going to help. I promise. Because I'm here, YOU will accomplish all things, through my Sons strength. I've put you in a position to do something. So don't be afraid, trust Me, and I will help you accomplish things you are certain are beyond you. Because nothing is beyond Me.

I know what people say about Me. I know what they say about you as well. I wish you could hear some of the things people didn't say about you though. I heard them. And I was proud. They were talking about My child and they've said some pretty terrific things about you. My child. You.

You are doing a good job. I know you can't see all the results of the little things you've done, but you really have done a good job. I'm pleased. You've touched peoples hearts and lives with the words and actions I've given you. I see Myself in you so much sometimes it's uncanny. I'm so proud. Don't get discouraged, oh, don't get discouraged. You just don't see what I see. Trust Me though, you've done more than you imagine.

I've spoken so much to you, but sometimes you've just been too hurt and confused to hear Me. So just trust in this: I hear your prayers. And I'm working things out. You may not see the results yet, and I know you're tired of Me telling you to be patient, but you do simply have to be patient. And, My thoughts aren't your thoughts, so when My end result doesn't look like you think it should: trust Me.

I love you. I love you like no one else loves you. And know you like no one else knows you. I have sent my Spirit to comfort you. Let Him. Let go of the things I've brought you out of and move forward. Keep walking. Trust Me to see you through the end of this journey. The road is difficult, and narrow, I know. But you're going to love what you find at the end. Trust Me.

- God