I don't know how to say what all has happened in the last few days.
It's nice to know from the comments I've received that people out there in the Christian world believe things like this happen, and are praying. Thank you.
Like I said though, I don't know how to tell you about the events of the week. And I find I don't want to. I confess it's a very vulnerable feeling wondering how many people think you've cracked up. When I get through this, I really never want to see anything like it again. But for now, for this small period of time that I'm typing this out, I'm going to pretend the bad stuff isn't here and I'll tell you about the good stuff.
Almost immediately after posting Sunday night, I felt a change. Not so much in the things around me, but in me. I've got a calm now that I didn't have before.
I was thinking back tonight to months ago when I had a serious problem (not of this sort) and I got angry with the devil and I stomped through my house yelling at him. I yelled at him that he wanted to tell me lies, and so I would tell him some truth. And I proceeded to tell him my future, his future, Gods promises, who God was, what He would always be, and then made a point to include the fact that any logical person would be able to grasp the idea that if the devil is telling you it "is so" then, obviously the truth is that it "isn't so" and that I appreciated him clearing up that question of what 'really is' for me.
I don't make it a point to talk to the devil. I never do it really. At just that point though, it seemed fitting. Within days of that event I saw my first vision. God gave me a vision of my problem disappearing, vanishing. And my problem did indeed vanish. Thinking back to those days brings back such sweet thoughts. Having that vision, was like getting a glimpse of God. That's the only way I can describe it. I've gained some really incredible God memories this year. I suppose in the art of war it was only appropriate that I should have expected some incredible Devil memories too.
Monday I woke up with the phrase "Be not afraid". And looking back at Sunday nights post I see how many times the idea of fear cropped up in there. But all day long that phrase kept coming back to me. A commenter, Jennifer, left those words in a comment today as well.
Out of curiosity I brought up bible.com and asked it what other things I should "be not". Interestingly enough I didn't find what I expected. I found a list of 'be nots' for God.
But you, O LORD, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me. Ps. 22:19
O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord. Ps. 35:22
O LORD, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Ps. 38:21
"Hear my prayer, O LORD, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. For I dwell with you as an alien, a stranger, as all my fathers were. Ps. 39:12
Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me. Ps. 71:12
O God, do not keep silent; be not quiet, O God, be not still. Ps. 83:1
During bible study tonight we were reading in Ezekiel where God tells Ezekiel "Go do this." Ezekiel had been obedient and doesn't seem to even be questioning all the instructions he'd received up to that point. But on this particular issue he turned to God and petitioned Him. And God understood, and changed His command a bit.
Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that the whole days events aren't written in stone. He listens. He relents. He's a good Father. I believe during the last weeks that He has heard me. I don't have as good a track record as Ezekiel had on obedience. But it doesn't change Gods ability and desire to hear me.
So hear this: I need You.