On Wednesday nights, as we are studying Ezekiel, I noticed God repeatedly using the phrase "I, even I".
And I began thinking of the contrast between "He, even He" and "Me, even me".
"He, even He" loved "Me, even me".
I went into my old blog entries search of a post tonight, and as I scrolled down the list of post titles I watched a humbling pattern become apparent. Scrolling through two years worth of post titles I saw happy days, then barely hanging on days, happy days, then barely hanging on days. I saw several posts where I was just throwing tantrums, a few pity parties, a lot of posts where I just had stopped focusing on God, and then a few where it appeared I was ready to throw in the towel.
Then along would come a "God came through" post, not necessarily changing circumstances, but at least changing me, and things are ok again - until the next time.
It was certainly a humbling pattern to watch. I winced when I saw it. Then looked up and asked God what on earth He was doing with the likes of me.
I wrote to a friend earlier today that maybe I could understand God being merciful enough to take me into His family, but I just can't understand Him using me. It's like calling on the kid in the back of the class that you know wasn't paying attention during the instructions - you just don't do it if you want whatever you're demonstrating to be successful.
But God, for some reason, isn't like that. He, even He, uses me, even me.
Why me Lord? What have I ever done to deserve even one of the pleasures I've known. Tell me Lord. What did I ever do that was worth loving you or the kindness you've shown.
Lord, help me Jesus, I've wasted it so help me Jesus I know what I am. Now that I know that I've needed you so, help me Jesus, my soul's in your hands.
Why me Lord? If you think there's a way I can try to repay all I've taken from you. Maybe Lord. I can show someone else what I've been through myself on my way back to you.