Thursday, October 18, 2007

Excuse my laundry.

I've found myself down memory lane for some reason this evening
and I'm going to write. Maybe one day this post will find it's way into my
memoirs. But my memoirs won't be about my house or demons. They'll be about God.
And that is what this post is really about.


A lot of my memories of growing up are blank. I just don't remember much. But of what is stored in my memory there is one week ranked as the most physically violent, and horrific week that we as a family endured. I think it all started when my dad discovered that a dog had wet on the seat of his 4-wheeler. I could be confusing events, but it seems like that was the start. What a pathetic start to a fight.

By the time the main ruckus was over, my mom had decided she was leaving. It was late. I don't know how late, but quite late. We drove to the nearest town and woke up an old pastor friend of my dads. I don't even remember why specifically we went to him. I just remember his office, my brother being upset, my mom trying to be strong, and the fact that my body would sometimes jerk and I couldn't make it stop. I remember the pastor telling me that it was shock and taking me by the arms and praying for me to be able to calm down.

I remember him promising to do the only thing that might possibly help. Only he never did it.

For reasons that, even as an adult, I don't understand, we returned home that night. And spent a week living in the home with my dad, packing, while mom looked for a job.
She didn't find a job and decided that was Gods direction to stay. So we did.

I always wanted to ask that pastor though, why he didn't do what he said he would. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. Maybe it would have.

From that point, I had a definite aversion to pastors. My dad was a pastor, and between him, his friend that night, and several other pastors I've seen, I've understood all too well that what is said, is not necessarily what is lived. Their church life to me was simply an act.

I understand that pastors are still human. And try not to place them into a sinless role that no one can live up to. But at the same time, I firmly believe, that before you stick the word Pastor, Shepherd, Leader in front of your name - you had better well be willing to try and live up to it. And be seriously seeking God concerning your calling, and your fulfilment of that calling. I would say the same for any person that calls themselves a Christian, but that's a different post.

Today though, I spent a couple of hours talking with my pastor. In 9 years of independent living, I've never willingly chosen to sit and talk with a pastor about a problem. But today I did. And he prayed. And as he did, a revelation of who I am in Christ returned to me. And then he reminded me of my own words about being a warrior. It's hard to describe the puzzle pieces that were clicking just then as I remembered things I had written and how they were written for days just like these days of battle. I remembered books I'd read concerning tricks of the enemy. I remembered quotes I'd tried to memorize about impossibilities and how only the naive people go after some impossibilities. And then the scriptures I've read time and time again came back to mind.

I left my pastor, a different person than when I arrived. I didn't go directly home, but spent a refreshing time praying. When I did finally walk back in the doors, I didn't even know what I was saying as specific names of spirits came out of my mouth. I rebuked spirits of lies, hate, violence, fear, and several others and they were commanded, each by their own name, to leave by the name of Jesus. I say "they were commanded" rather than "I commanded" because from the moment I walked in the door it didn't feel like 'me'.

I enjoy not feeling like 'me'.

It's not over. I still feel things in this house. And every now and then tonight I've just stopped and rebuked something and commanded it to leave. I'm glad Little One isn't any older, because she'd have some very crazy stories to tell her family during visitation.

My pastor didn't give me hope for the day. He simply prayed and I received it. God was there, just as He promised to be. And He changed my heart. He turned despair into hope, and defeat into victory. He made a way through this and He literally led the way, because I didn't walk through my doorway in my power today but His. And it made all the difference.

Still, before I left my pastor today I asked him (are you listening Mark?) I asked him and his wife to come to my house, as soon as they're able, to help. And despite my past experience, I really think they'll come. I wish my mom could have found someone like that that night. I hope every man, woman and child that picks up the phone, or walks through the doors in search of a shepherd, finds a real one. I have to say, I have little use for the fakes.

10 comments:

Mark H said...

Yep! I'm listening ;-)

Well done!

NaNcY said...

:-)

Rita said...

Good for you!!! Stand! Stand on The Word! Now get some good praise music going in your house and Praise the Lord! Even when you don't feel like it, Praise the Lord! You and your little one can make wonderful music and dance in honor and praise. Hallelujah!

Brother Marty said...

I, too, am listening. Ditto to the suggestion of surrounding yourself with the loving and awe-inspiring praise music that Rita referred to. Do what you can to embrace the love that goes beyond human understanding. Wallow in it.

Love is such a precious thing. Love what you can, where you can, and for whom you can, and the peace of Our Lord will settle within your heart.

God Bless, and have peace.
Marty

Tomorrow morning, in our devotional, you will be lifted up!

Anonymous said...

I hesitate once again to speak, because this is Net's walk and I don't think it is my place to add or take away.
But I want to make it clear that she is covered daily in prayer from many people that know and love her. We have many Seniors in our church that I know pray for her daily and have taken her in as their "foster" grandchild. We are praying for her and have many nights had her in our prayers.
There have been at least 3 different occasions that we have tried to come inside the house to pray--even this past Wed. night.
I have called for back up on a previous week, my mom is a seaasoned prayer warrior, my brother-in-law and sister are seasoned prayer warriors---one night in particular after one of the blogs---The pastor was out of town and I called and wanted to "gather the troops" to annoint the house and pray--she was hesitant to let us come---even This last Wed. night we did not want to send her back to her house alone and I felt that she did not want to go back to the house alone---but she refused us coming with her.
Net, this is defintely your walk and you communicate your needs beautifully with your gift for words----and that is why I am writing back to you , I don't think we would be able to speak this open in person. It is very hard for you to be the person in need----but you have to accept help from people that love you. We are never too busy for that. I told the pastor that I was prepared on Wed. night to stay all night if needed, I was not worried about going to work the next day.
I have tried to put a timeline with what has been going on --and when this first started---and I really can't say---but it somehow intensified since "little one" came. I don't know why you are fighting this battle---but I see the love and care you have given her. I have her in Sunday School, and I see how she has blossomed--she is so eager to pray--always for mommy and sometimes for daddy.
She has a light now, in the once hollow eyes . While she was sitting with me on Wed. night, I was watching her and asked what she was doing. She had some song books lined up on her lap and was playing the piano like "Net" singing to God without a doubt in her little "Shawna" language.
I don't know if this battle is for her, or if it is for the hurt little girl that still shows through at times---I know I am not the Pastor, but Net I have told you many times---this is not part of the daily walk for a child of God---We don't have to put up with this in our home---but you have to let us come and help you.
Don't worry if you think others are not as strong as you. If we know what we are walking into--let it be our decision. We can all bind together in the name of Jesus and Rebuke this thing.
I have thought before about setting a particular time that we would all be praying and that would be the time that we would be annointing your house as well.
Net-- you have people praying for you in WHitesboro, My family in Sherman, and all of your Blog family that loves your dearly--
We would have already been there---just like I told you WEd. night---if I was in the same situation---I would not stay one night there until the house was annointed and prayed for.
I hate to talk to you through this blog, when we could talk in person-- something always hinders when we try to speak of this ---BUT it is time that this ends---IN THE NAME OF JESUS---YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN A HOUSE WHERE YOU FEEL THAT SOMETHING IS STILL THERE.

LOVE YOU NET
LAYVON

Anonymous said...

IN THE NAME OF JESUS WE TAKE AUTHORITY OVER THIS SITUATION--

LORD WE REBUKE THESE SPIRITS OF DARKNESS BACK TO THE PITS OF HELL FROM WHERE THEY CAME---LORD WE ASK THAT YOU BUILD A HEDGE OF PROTECTION FOR NET AND HER HOME AND WE PLEAD THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER HER LIFE. LORD YOU SAID THAT NO EVIL SHALL BEFALL THEE AND NO PLAGUE COME NIGH THY DWELLING---LORD WE CLAIM YOUR PROMISE TODAY THAT THERE SHALL BE DELIVERANCE FOR ALL.
WE THANK YOU JESUS FOR YOUR WORD, WE ACCEPT THIS DELIVERANCE ON BEHALF OF OUR SISTER---AND WE GIVE YOU ALL OF THE PRAISE AND THE GLORY IN THE PRECIOUS NAME OF JESUS.
THANK YOU JESUS
THANK YOU JESUS
THANK YOU JESUS
THANK YOU JESUS

NaNcY said...

layvon :-)

NaNcY said...

jeanette,

hope that you can listen to what your sister is saying...
(she is saying that she loves you)

go for it, girl!
we do not walk alone.

i love you too
:-)
n

Rita said...

Layvon, AMEN, and AMEN!

NaNcY said...

I know I am not the Pastor, but Net I have told you many times---this is not part of the daily walk for a child of God---We don't have to put up with this in our home---but you have to let us come and help you.

this is one thing layvon said that i am not so sure about. i think maybe that the war and struggle is always part of the Christian life...we just do not always see it, it is usually very cunning and not so obvious to us as a spiritual battle. but, she is right in that we all need each other in Jesus.