Tonight at church we sang about being a living sanctuary and I thought about how when shortly after beginning foster care I began thinking of my home, truly, as a sanctuary.
A sanctuary needing to be prepared.
A sanctuary needing to be pure.
A sanctuary needing to be holy.
A sanctuary needing to be tried.
A sanctuary that needs to prove itself true.
A sanctuary that will joyfully, and with full thanksgiving submit to being a sanctuary even on the days when it doesn't feel like it.
A sanctuary that needs to be alive. Living. Not stagnant, not dormant, not fruitless, but living. Alive.
As I thought about that tonight I realized that for a month, my house hasn't been a sanctuary. My life hasn't been a sanctuary. My house is exhausting, I'm exhausting.
So, I had a fit.
I put my little one to bed, waited till she was asleep and I went outside.
And I walked around the outside of my house. And for the first time in all this, there was no fear, no panic (if I try and pray inside my house the next thing I know I'm sweating, pale, and sick) there was no great rush of emotions.
I simply made my slow circle around the house telling God (not the devil) that this was His house. He had a plan, and a purpose for it from the beginning. But right now, that purpose is being hindered. Before walking back in the door my very last words were "This is Your house Jehovah Shalom, please clean it."
I walked in the door and I heard a voice hiss at me to die. I've heard it at least 13 times since that moment and it was only an hour or so ago.
I'm going to continue this walk, and this is going to become my Jericho house. This is day one.
I confess it sounds strange. Maybe you'll tell me it won't work. I also confess that I'm flying blind here. I've never seen or encountered the types of things I'm facing right now. And largely, the reason I'm willing to continue doing this, is because it seems to have upset the devil. Frankly this is all over my head. I've kept other people out of the house because I don't want it touching them. It's taken over a large portion of my life. I'm ready to bring this to a head. However that may be.