Monday, October 15, 2007

Checking my label

My little one and I are sitting in the living room enjoying her favorite cartoon. It's a 30 minute little show I record for her each day. It's called Caillou. If you've got a toddler, I have to tell you this is a good show and worth 30 minutes.

Unfortunately, 10 minutes into the show the tv goes off.

I fiddled with it a bit before coming to the conclusion that whether it was foul play or it died of old age, dead was still pretty well dead. So little one and I pull out the toys and play. About 20 minutes later the tv comes on. So we turn around and start watching her show again. 5 minutes later the volume begins it's trek up to full blast. I'm shoving little one off the couch cushions thinking that she must have sat on the remote, only to find it resting on the side of the couch out of her reach. I hold the volume button down but it's still trying to turn itself up. So I turn the tv off and we go back to playing. The tv comes back on. I turn it off and we leave the room. I finally end up unplugging the tv.

Bedtime arrives and I spend a good deal of time simply praying Gods protection for my little one. The things tormenting me, she doesn't need any part of. She's young. And I remember a post recently by someone (can't remember who at the moment) mentioning a scripture that says the angel of a little child has direct access to God. So I bring little one in and we pray together "Jesus, keep us". It's the best I've gotten her to repeat consecutively. But it's repetitive, and good enough.

With the house quieting down, I sit and my worship time takes a focus of where I've been. Who I was before. Recently I watched a video of the Martins singing "Except for Grace". And I reminded God that grace may be all it seems like I have sometimes, but, I can't see grace. And I have to confess, after spending this much time staring at an enemy, I've started to feel at odds with God. That surely, if I were right with God, this all wouldn't be happening.

And that's when I started thinking.

My little one, has spent every day for nearly 3 months with me. She visits with 'Mommy" one time a week for one hour. Yet she never fails to ask about mommy. Immediately upon returning from the visit she asks if she'll see mommy again. During the week, she asks if she'll see mommy again. She'll tell me briefly that she saw mommy, and hugged mommy, but then wants to be reminded that she'll see mommy again soon.

Absence may do a lot of things to people. Not having that constant feel of 'presence' may wear on you and make you sad. But if you ask my little one who loves her, her first answer is always "mommy". It hasn't mattered that she spends only 1 hour with mommy and the rest with me. Written in her little heart is a small label of "To whom I belong: Mommy".

After a lifetime of listening to Christian teaching, and 6 years of a close walking relationship with Christ my Savior and Friend, you'd think my label would be a little more firmly written. Ink, not pencil. Steel, not cheap paper. But even after all this time I still want Him to tell me. And tell me over and over and over again.

Sitting at little ones bedside each night after songs, and stories and prayer, she crawls into my lap and requests that I rock her like a baby. And for just a moment, the shifting feet, playing hands, and constant questions all stops and she closes her eyes. And tonight I closed my eyes along with her and thanked God for her life, and the gift that she is and the gift of all that I've learned about Him through her. Then I told God that she has the right idea - the best idea.

I just need to stop wiggling, stop asking, and close my eyes.


Anonymous said...

i really hope that you do not mind me asking...

i was wondering...

did all this distraction start before or after little one arrived in your home?

flyawaynet said...

Nancy, I'm impressed. Your comment came less than 5 minutes (despite what the misleading timestamp says)after I posted. You're quick.

It seems like it's gone on forever, but I'm certain it hasn't been 3 months, which is just about how long she's been here. Also, just before she arrived (the day before) I wrote one of my favorite posts . And not that it's impossible, but if I think it's well written, it generally means it wasn't written while I was under a great deal of stress. This post tonight is probably one of the more well written things I've posted in a months time.

I believe this began after little one arrived. And while I believe in such things, and was warned about such things by a surprising number of people, I'm not ready to pin it on her presence.

Frankly when the boogieman is standing at your shoulder, you don't wonder who invited him. You just want him to go away.

Mark H said...

Woh! Great question Nancy! I didn't think of that.

Greater is He that is in YOU, fly, than He who is in the world.

Little One has come into your environment and into your care. You have spiritual authority in the situation. *If* Little One is suffering a spiritual attack of some sort, then Christ in you is more than willing and more than able to overcome the enemy and set her free - it's the very thing He wants.

It's possible that your post testifies to the reality of that?

Maybe the privilege He gave you of caring for her is more than you ever imagined?

I will continue decreeing protection over your household. Keep resting in Jesus and interceding for Little One. What is Father saying to you about her? He loves you both.

One Sided said...

You know you are learning quite a bit from that little one.