So today I went online to just check my bank balance and write a few transactions down and I discover, much to my surprise, a bunch of red ink all over my account. My paycheck had not gone into my account. I checked into it and discovered the last two digits of my account “29” had accidentally been typed “10”. The money was nowhere.
I’d also spent the weekend in Whitesboro messing with my rent house, racking up charges for people to haul away trash, clean carpet, stops for gas, stops for food, and charges to newspapers to put ads showing my property for rent.
All in all, at my last check, thanks to the paycheck not being deposited I had 11 overdraft charges of $38 each.
I had money in savings that would have easily covered it, but, not knowing anything was amiss with my paycheck there was no reason for me to think about moving the funds.
In case you don’t have a calculator handy 11 x 38=$418.
First things first I moved savings over to keep myself from racking up more charges.
Then reality set in. I could have cried. I literally could have just sat down and cried I was so disappointed that something like this would happen when I’d been hoarding my savings so carefully. But as I was driving between my two banks getting money from one to put in the other I remembered that God hadn’t failed me yet. So the money was gone, so Compass "per company policy" might only refund 2 of the 11 charges. So what? God was still in control and God wasn’t going to worry about my savings being gone when He provided for my needs as always. Once I remembered that I let go of the fear and frustration attached to the money and I began praising God. (And by praising God I mean I was singing God the chorus to the oldies song “I love you more today than yesterday” thanks to Eric from work for sending me that song and getting it stuck in my head.
Then I came back to work.
Joe from Compass was on the phone and he wanted me to know that a man with my incorrect account number had come in on Saturday to close his account. Literally, this man showed up and the bank tried to give him my money which had been accidentally deposited into his account. And HE SAID NO. He said it wasn’t his money. He turned down nearly 700 dollars. So the bank had begun investigating the error.
Which also took one less obstacle out of the way as I tried to convince Compass to transfer money from his account to mine. ;)
They’re going through the process to transfer the funds into my account and Joe also says that because of the nature of the error every overdraft fee will be refunded to me.
There is more to the story, but I will tell it in a later post because it veers off from the point of this story. But I just want to add - I'm so thankful I reached the "trusting God" point before I got back to work and the situation changed. It was a strange sense of joy that rushed in as I praised God in the middle of a situation that just STUNK. And God moved on my behalf. I gained favor with every person I talked to. I was blessed. But I found the joy before the miracle. And there seems to be something valuable and necessary in that. Because the joy is in God, not in good situations, not in a lack of problems, not even in money. It's just in God. In the middle of a temporary shortage of over $1100 dollars, I found joy.
It was worth so much more than $1100.
Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
What more has the Lord required?
A couple of nights back, I picked up a book intending to read for a bit. A few paragraphs into the page though I realized I wasn't able to concentrate on my book too well. Odd though it may seem, my heart and mind were anxiously wishing there were something that I could do for God now. NOW. Not later. June and it's move and a return to foster parenting seem so far away right now.
I put the book away and began telling the Father that I wished I could something now, do more, just return to Him some small token of my love and appreciation for all He's done for me. Interestingly enough He gave me a verse. Instead of the scripture reference as He usually gives me, I was reminded of the actual words to the verse - then I had to go look it up remembering only that it's found in Micah somewhere.
It turns out to be Micah 6:8
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?
And I realized I have opportunities every single day. I take a little over a hundred calls every single day, so I have at least a hundred people with whom I can deal justly, with a love for mercy, and with humility in my dealings with them before God.
It's hard to remember the Spiritual things in the every day things. It's hard to be on a phone call and while I ponder stats, product codes, and specific verbiage that I need to use and in all of that remember that I can show Gods justice, mercy, and His example of humility.
But for as hard as it is, I think this is where the rubber really meets the road. When you are no longer the Sunday Christian, or the at-home Christian, or the with-your-friends Christian.. but instead you are the Christian for every single moment of the day, in all of your dealings.
I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. And the joy just keeps growing as I remember Him and think of Him throughout the day.
I'd like to just echo the sentiment of one of my customers today: "I AM BLESSED"
And if you'd like to add that sentiment to your checks, just give us a call. :)
I put the book away and began telling the Father that I wished I could something now, do more, just return to Him some small token of my love and appreciation for all He's done for me. Interestingly enough He gave me a verse. Instead of the scripture reference as He usually gives me, I was reminded of the actual words to the verse - then I had to go look it up remembering only that it's found in Micah somewhere.
It turns out to be Micah 6:8
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?
And I realized I have opportunities every single day. I take a little over a hundred calls every single day, so I have at least a hundred people with whom I can deal justly, with a love for mercy, and with humility in my dealings with them before God.
It's hard to remember the Spiritual things in the every day things. It's hard to be on a phone call and while I ponder stats, product codes, and specific verbiage that I need to use and in all of that remember that I can show Gods justice, mercy, and His example of humility.
But for as hard as it is, I think this is where the rubber really meets the road. When you are no longer the Sunday Christian, or the at-home Christian, or the with-your-friends Christian.. but instead you are the Christian for every single moment of the day, in all of your dealings.
I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. And the joy just keeps growing as I remember Him and think of Him throughout the day.
I'd like to just echo the sentiment of one of my customers today: "I AM BLESSED"
And if you'd like to add that sentiment to your checks, just give us a call. :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Getting what you ask for.
I've always been more than a little curious about the wrestling match described in the Bible where Jacob wrestles with a "man". It's found in Genesis 32 if you're interested in reading it for yourself - towards the end of the chapter.
But here Jacob is, wrestling, and he announces something to the effect of "I'm going to keep fighting you, until you bless me."
Thus, the man he's struggling with announces "Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed."
Ok....
There's a tiny bit more conversation then it says "He blessed him there" and that's pretty much the end of it except for Jacobs grateful announcement that he's seen the face of God and lived.
That's the end.
THE END.
But if I were Jacob, I'd be asking some questions.
The first one being "What on earth does that mean?"
As a prince I have power with God and with men? What's that mean? Does that mean God hears his prayers better? He's more likely to get a 'Yes" answer than the rest of us non-princely folks? What does that mean?
And how is it that after his saying that, Jacob automatically accepted that he had received a blessing even though it obviously wasn't something visible?
Did he feel different? Did he have some new inner knowledge that something had changed for him? And also, if the information that now as a prince he had power with God and man was the blessing... why does it later say that "he blessed him there".
Some of the retold histories in the Bible leave me scratching my head in wonder.
But here's the one thing that I do get from out of my confusion from the story.
When God says He's going to bless you, it doesn't always look like something tangible. It doesn't look like how I want it, or expect it, to look. The world might not be able to see it, and I may not feel different. But when Jehovah God announces that I am something, then I'm that something. If He announces I'm a princess among God and men, then I don't care that I'm still sleeping in the dirt the next night with a rock for a pillow - by goodness I'm a princess.
This lesson is important to me because I tend to expect certain things to look certain ways and I'll keep fighting or struggling or pushing until they look how I expect. But when God blesses me, or speaks something over me, then it is. It simply IS. Whether I can see it, feel it, taste it, experience it, understand it, acknowledge it, or believe it. I am exactly what God says I am.
I wish I understood the story better. But the lesson I've learned from it is just as valuable even though I still have questions.
You see I don't know how I've been blessed. Maybe the unique blessing I have in life is just the abundant joy that is overflowing to a degree that just doesn't make sense. Or maybe the blessing He's placed on my life is simply that of being a foster parent. But, though I don't understand it, I don't feel the urge to wrestle Him for it anymore. It is mine.
But here Jacob is, wrestling, and he announces something to the effect of "I'm going to keep fighting you, until you bless me."
Thus, the man he's struggling with announces "Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed."
Ok....
There's a tiny bit more conversation then it says "He blessed him there" and that's pretty much the end of it except for Jacobs grateful announcement that he's seen the face of God and lived.
That's the end.
THE END.
But if I were Jacob, I'd be asking some questions.
The first one being "What on earth does that mean?"
As a prince I have power with God and with men? What's that mean? Does that mean God hears his prayers better? He's more likely to get a 'Yes" answer than the rest of us non-princely folks? What does that mean?
And how is it that after his saying that, Jacob automatically accepted that he had received a blessing even though it obviously wasn't something visible?
Did he feel different? Did he have some new inner knowledge that something had changed for him? And also, if the information that now as a prince he had power with God and man was the blessing... why does it later say that "he blessed him there".
Some of the retold histories in the Bible leave me scratching my head in wonder.
But here's the one thing that I do get from out of my confusion from the story.
When God says He's going to bless you, it doesn't always look like something tangible. It doesn't look like how I want it, or expect it, to look. The world might not be able to see it, and I may not feel different. But when Jehovah God announces that I am something, then I'm that something. If He announces I'm a princess among God and men, then I don't care that I'm still sleeping in the dirt the next night with a rock for a pillow - by goodness I'm a princess.
This lesson is important to me because I tend to expect certain things to look certain ways and I'll keep fighting or struggling or pushing until they look how I expect. But when God blesses me, or speaks something over me, then it is. It simply IS. Whether I can see it, feel it, taste it, experience it, understand it, acknowledge it, or believe it. I am exactly what God says I am.
I wish I understood the story better. But the lesson I've learned from it is just as valuable even though I still have questions.
You see I don't know how I've been blessed. Maybe the unique blessing I have in life is just the abundant joy that is overflowing to a degree that just doesn't make sense. Or maybe the blessing He's placed on my life is simply that of being a foster parent. But, though I don't understand it, I don't feel the urge to wrestle Him for it anymore. It is mine.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Because He loves me.
Tell me God isn't working on my behalf.
I can always use a good laugh.
So today I chance upon a woman and just being sociable I struck up a general conversation about the heat. (I was trying to sweat out a cold that I somehow caught when my brother developed "Allergies".) As the conversation usually goes I mention being from North Texas and the recent move up here to SA.
That's the point in every conversation where I have to take a deep breath and remember that God is more important than peoples opinions. Because everyone inevitably asks "What brought you to San Antonio?" To which, after that quick swallow for courage I explain how God led me to leave my home and move here.
Once that door was opened I enthusiastically began telling her how glad I was about the decision and how He's blessed me so much in so many ways since coming here.
She responded with understanding that God does unexplainable things like that. And we began talking about spiritual things for a bit and she asked if I had found a church in the area.
When I told her how much I was enjoying the worship at the church I'd been attending called "Victory", she turned with surprise.
Turns out I happened to be talking to Linda Myers, the church secretary.
By the end of the conversation I'd given her a job lead since she was looking for work, and she'd promised to get back to me with information on joining the church.
She was in a gym, 20 miles from her home but right next door to me. God must enjoy moving puzzle pieces around to see our reactions.
I'm no different from anyone else. I'm stupid and foolish, crazy and misguided far too often. But I have learned to believe in Him. Even when things don't look right. I'm sure it will be challenged many more times in my lifetime, and I'm sure I will struggle, and I don't doubt that at times the hurt might overwhelm me - especially when I begin fostering again.
But just because you forget something, doesn't make it any less true, or real.
God is a God to be trusted, to be believed in. He is who He is whether I accept it, believe it, trust it, lean on it, or not. The only person I hurt by doubting is myself.
I told someone recently how my joy in Christ made me somewhat nervous, because I wondered how I would do when the joy ended because life became hard. But then I remembered my circumstances, the constant struggle the never-ending wonder about tomorrow and it's problems and I realized that this isn't a shallow joy that I'm dancing in. But a deep, rich, sorrow-filled/trust laden joy that is overcoming whatever I face.
He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
How he loves David Crowder Band
Enjoy His love.
Quit fighting Him.
Trust and obey. His plans are not our own.
But His plans bring me to an expected end.
And I can trust that whatever sorrow and trials I find along the way are for a purpose.
I can trust Him.
I CAN TRUST HIM.
Even when it doesn't make sense.
Because He loves me.
And when I really began to believe that.
I didn't have to demand answers anymore.
I just had to trust that good or bad, happy or sad, He's in charge, and I can trust Him.
Because He loves me.
And that's why I love Him more than ever before.
I can always use a good laugh.
So today I chance upon a woman and just being sociable I struck up a general conversation about the heat. (I was trying to sweat out a cold that I somehow caught when my brother developed "Allergies".) As the conversation usually goes I mention being from North Texas and the recent move up here to SA.
That's the point in every conversation where I have to take a deep breath and remember that God is more important than peoples opinions. Because everyone inevitably asks "What brought you to San Antonio?" To which, after that quick swallow for courage I explain how God led me to leave my home and move here.
Once that door was opened I enthusiastically began telling her how glad I was about the decision and how He's blessed me so much in so many ways since coming here.
She responded with understanding that God does unexplainable things like that. And we began talking about spiritual things for a bit and she asked if I had found a church in the area.
When I told her how much I was enjoying the worship at the church I'd been attending called "Victory", she turned with surprise.
Turns out I happened to be talking to Linda Myers, the church secretary.
By the end of the conversation I'd given her a job lead since she was looking for work, and she'd promised to get back to me with information on joining the church.
She was in a gym, 20 miles from her home but right next door to me. God must enjoy moving puzzle pieces around to see our reactions.
I'm no different from anyone else. I'm stupid and foolish, crazy and misguided far too often. But I have learned to believe in Him. Even when things don't look right. I'm sure it will be challenged many more times in my lifetime, and I'm sure I will struggle, and I don't doubt that at times the hurt might overwhelm me - especially when I begin fostering again.
But just because you forget something, doesn't make it any less true, or real.
God is a God to be trusted, to be believed in. He is who He is whether I accept it, believe it, trust it, lean on it, or not. The only person I hurt by doubting is myself.
I told someone recently how my joy in Christ made me somewhat nervous, because I wondered how I would do when the joy ended because life became hard. But then I remembered my circumstances, the constant struggle the never-ending wonder about tomorrow and it's problems and I realized that this isn't a shallow joy that I'm dancing in. But a deep, rich, sorrow-filled/trust laden joy that is overcoming whatever I face.
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
How he loves David Crowder Band
Enjoy His love.
Quit fighting Him.
Trust and obey. His plans are not our own.
But His plans bring me to an expected end.
And I can trust that whatever sorrow and trials I find along the way are for a purpose.
I can trust Him.
I CAN TRUST HIM.
Even when it doesn't make sense.
Because He loves me.
And when I really began to believe that.
I didn't have to demand answers anymore.
I just had to trust that good or bad, happy or sad, He's in charge, and I can trust Him.
Because He loves me.
And that's why I love Him more than ever before.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Lord I'm amazed by You
I can't praise Him enough.
You think I'm kidding, or trying to sound righteous. I don't worry too much about sounding righteous anymore, I realized how foolish that was since anyone that knows me... well, let's just say they know the truth. :)
But I'm not kidding either.
I just can't praise Him enough.
I've never been so poor, so backed up, so uncertain about tomorrows...
I've never been so grateful, so hopeful, so excited, so overwhelmed with gratitude.
My commute to work is filled with worship that just isn't enough. I'm probably going to die on the 410 loop one day just because the curve is a little sharp to take it with one hand raised and tears blurring your vision. I cannot thank Him enough.
There was a debate at lunch today, as someone made the assertion that God doesn't love poor people. Otherwise they wouldn't be poor. And, as a poor person I was frustrated at what a ridiculous assertion that is. And then my heart was broken as I realized, the person making that assertion was poor. And with every struggle to pay bills, with every thought of how something was out of his ability to afford it, I wondered if he wasn't clouded with doubt concerning Gods amazing love.
It's no wonder my experience as a poor person is vastly different from his. I can hardly breathe sometimes as I write out my bills as I realize that yet again, yet again, yet again, yet again, God has provided. He has provided me an abundance, exceedingly and abundantly beyond. I'm sitting here aching to do something for Him because He's done so much. The greatest of which is simply the greater closeness with Him. I find myself in His presence, shaken and stirred, moved and broken, but more often than not I'm just utterly joyful.
I've found healing in Him that is unimaginable to me. My prayers, sincere and earnest used to come from a broken section of my life that caused more hurt and worry and fear; and now all of that is replaced with adoration and joy and trust and hope. I never used to smile in prayer, if I did it was rare. Now it's rare find me in worship without that stupid smile stretching my cheeks.
I just can't thank Him enough. I can't praise Him enough.
I'd give anything to change the hearts around me. To somehow clear their minds of the lack so that they could finally see the overwhelming abundance. At the same time I wonder if God didn't make them with such a perspective just so they would push to something God has for them. But I also worry they'll receive what it is God had in store for them and with blinded eyes they'll keep looking for something more.
Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have - I wish with all my heart that I could simply give it away to those without, to those suffering from guilt and shame, to those struggling with anger, to those struggling with a feeling of inadequacy to those who simply can't see how great is His love for us. But I can only type it, I can only say it, I can only offer humbly that Jesus Christ LOVES you. He loves you so much, YOU, that He died, He offered His life as sacrifice for YOU, because He was not willing that ANY should perish. Not ONE. And if you ever stop and simply walk into the embrace of that love I can promise you that the things of this earth do grow strangely dim, less important, and the constant ever growing current of His amazing LOVE and MERCY in your life will leave you speechless. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.
He's offering you something that moth and rust can't corrupt. But don't look to see His love in monetary ways first. Dig into the Spiritual gifts, rather than the physical ones. You'll be amazed at what happens.
I gave Him me (not without a few difficulties and the occasional cries of "take back") but the rewards of what I received in return have been more than wonderful.
Lord I'm amazed by You and how You love me.
To sign off this post, I thought I'd include a snippet of our song service today. It's very fitting for this post. Enjoy!
You think I'm kidding, or trying to sound righteous. I don't worry too much about sounding righteous anymore, I realized how foolish that was since anyone that knows me... well, let's just say they know the truth. :)
But I'm not kidding either.
I just can't praise Him enough.
I've never been so poor, so backed up, so uncertain about tomorrows...
I've never been so grateful, so hopeful, so excited, so overwhelmed with gratitude.
My commute to work is filled with worship that just isn't enough. I'm probably going to die on the 410 loop one day just because the curve is a little sharp to take it with one hand raised and tears blurring your vision. I cannot thank Him enough.
There was a debate at lunch today, as someone made the assertion that God doesn't love poor people. Otherwise they wouldn't be poor. And, as a poor person I was frustrated at what a ridiculous assertion that is. And then my heart was broken as I realized, the person making that assertion was poor. And with every struggle to pay bills, with every thought of how something was out of his ability to afford it, I wondered if he wasn't clouded with doubt concerning Gods amazing love.
It's no wonder my experience as a poor person is vastly different from his. I can hardly breathe sometimes as I write out my bills as I realize that yet again, yet again, yet again, yet again, God has provided. He has provided me an abundance, exceedingly and abundantly beyond. I'm sitting here aching to do something for Him because He's done so much. The greatest of which is simply the greater closeness with Him. I find myself in His presence, shaken and stirred, moved and broken, but more often than not I'm just utterly joyful.
I've found healing in Him that is unimaginable to me. My prayers, sincere and earnest used to come from a broken section of my life that caused more hurt and worry and fear; and now all of that is replaced with adoration and joy and trust and hope. I never used to smile in prayer, if I did it was rare. Now it's rare find me in worship without that stupid smile stretching my cheeks.
I just can't thank Him enough. I can't praise Him enough.
I'd give anything to change the hearts around me. To somehow clear their minds of the lack so that they could finally see the overwhelming abundance. At the same time I wonder if God didn't make them with such a perspective just so they would push to something God has for them. But I also worry they'll receive what it is God had in store for them and with blinded eyes they'll keep looking for something more.
Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have - I wish with all my heart that I could simply give it away to those without, to those suffering from guilt and shame, to those struggling with anger, to those struggling with a feeling of inadequacy to those who simply can't see how great is His love for us. But I can only type it, I can only say it, I can only offer humbly that Jesus Christ LOVES you. He loves you so much, YOU, that He died, He offered His life as sacrifice for YOU, because He was not willing that ANY should perish. Not ONE. And if you ever stop and simply walk into the embrace of that love I can promise you that the things of this earth do grow strangely dim, less important, and the constant ever growing current of His amazing LOVE and MERCY in your life will leave you speechless. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.
He's offering you something that moth and rust can't corrupt. But don't look to see His love in monetary ways first. Dig into the Spiritual gifts, rather than the physical ones. You'll be amazed at what happens.
I gave Him me (not without a few difficulties and the occasional cries of "take back") but the rewards of what I received in return have been more than wonderful.
Lord I'm amazed by You and how You love me.
To sign off this post, I thought I'd include a snippet of our song service today. It's very fitting for this post. Enjoy!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2010
We made it.
I believe I've spent the last year heralding how wonderful 2010 is going to be. I haven't the faintest idea why exactly that I have been so confident about 2010, but I'm marching into 2010 expecting a great many things.
I thought about using this post to look back at 2009, but I want to wait and maybe do that later, though I will look back a little just to reminisce about how amazing 2009 has been. It's been anything but easy, filled with fear and doubt over a move 300 miles from everything familiar, to worry it was a bad decision when 4 months later I still had no job. But I'm ending 2009 annoying all my friends and family by telling them how very happy I am.
I'm not fraught with worry, in fact it's just the opposite, I trust God more than I ever have. My faith was challenged severely this year and somehow God brought me through. And He didn't just bring me through a survivor, but a Victor. A true victor.
But I'm looking at 2010, and I see more challenges ahead that I simply don't know what to do with, so I'm simply letting those worries go and trusting that God will handle those challenges when I reach them. He will be faithful in leading me and guiding me in 2010 just as He was in 2009.
Tonight the church that I've been attending offered a come and go communion service. From 8pm-1am the pastors were there and whatever time you wanted all you had to do was just show up and take communion. So at 10:30pm I found myself standing there holding the bread and wine and feeling as though I was a soldier being sent off. (Yeah, soldiers, I know, there's a big difference, but you get the idea.) I feel as though 2010 is going to be so very important for me that being there tonight; giving myself back to God through communion and remembering His sacrifice and honoring it seemed vital.
My heart has been slowly turning towards ministry in the last month. I suppose in a way I've always been in ministry, whether playing the piano for my church or teaching a Sunday school class or whatnot. But in the last month, and especially tonight, my heart seemed to be veering towards evangelism more than ever before. That God would use my life as a witness for His glory. That He would make me a light that is not hid under a bushel by my fears or doubts concerning what to say or do. I began to pray that He would teach me how to witness to others of His glory. Because I haven't the faintest idea how to actually begin those discussions.
The pastors at church ended the small communion with a special "into the new year blessing for me" and as they prayed over me, and even in their talking to me before and after they just kept mentioning how God was going to bless me, and that God saw what I was doing (like attending communion services when I should be in bed asleep) and that He honors things like that and would see my heart and bless it.
It's lovely words, and I don't doubt for a moment that God loves me so much and will continue to bless me as He has this 2009 even if no one asked Him toon my behalf. But something about 2010 has arrested my thoughts concerning my own blessing. And I believe that He's outlining a plan in 2010 where I will become a blessing. I don't know how, or where, or what, but I truly believe I God is leading me into a year of being a blessing to HIM.
That's why tonights communion felt so vital. I needed to give my life back to Him tonight for His use in 2010.
Like I said, I don't have any explanation as to why I feel so strongly about 2010, but I'm very sober concerning the challenges and the growing that I believe will be taking place this coming year. I love Him so much now, He's so worthy of so much more than someone like me has to offer. But He still has plans for me, and I am ready to walk in them.
May your 2010 be blessed beyond abundance, and may you find hope, peace, and joy you have never imagined. May the love of God reign in you and multiply to scatter across your communities, your city, your county, your street. And may you find rest in releasing your hesitation and embracing His resolve.
God bless you. And happy New Year.
I believe I've spent the last year heralding how wonderful 2010 is going to be. I haven't the faintest idea why exactly that I have been so confident about 2010, but I'm marching into 2010 expecting a great many things.
I thought about using this post to look back at 2009, but I want to wait and maybe do that later, though I will look back a little just to reminisce about how amazing 2009 has been. It's been anything but easy, filled with fear and doubt over a move 300 miles from everything familiar, to worry it was a bad decision when 4 months later I still had no job. But I'm ending 2009 annoying all my friends and family by telling them how very happy I am.
I'm not fraught with worry, in fact it's just the opposite, I trust God more than I ever have. My faith was challenged severely this year and somehow God brought me through. And He didn't just bring me through a survivor, but a Victor. A true victor.
But I'm looking at 2010, and I see more challenges ahead that I simply don't know what to do with, so I'm simply letting those worries go and trusting that God will handle those challenges when I reach them. He will be faithful in leading me and guiding me in 2010 just as He was in 2009.
Tonight the church that I've been attending offered a come and go communion service. From 8pm-1am the pastors were there and whatever time you wanted all you had to do was just show up and take communion. So at 10:30pm I found myself standing there holding the bread and wine and feeling as though I was a soldier being sent off. (Yeah, soldiers, I know, there's a big difference, but you get the idea.) I feel as though 2010 is going to be so very important for me that being there tonight; giving myself back to God through communion and remembering His sacrifice and honoring it seemed vital.
My heart has been slowly turning towards ministry in the last month. I suppose in a way I've always been in ministry, whether playing the piano for my church or teaching a Sunday school class or whatnot. But in the last month, and especially tonight, my heart seemed to be veering towards evangelism more than ever before. That God would use my life as a witness for His glory. That He would make me a light that is not hid under a bushel by my fears or doubts concerning what to say or do. I began to pray that He would teach me how to witness to others of His glory. Because I haven't the faintest idea how to actually begin those discussions.
The pastors at church ended the small communion with a special "into the new year blessing for me" and as they prayed over me, and even in their talking to me before and after they just kept mentioning how God was going to bless me, and that God saw what I was doing (like attending communion services when I should be in bed asleep) and that He honors things like that and would see my heart and bless it.
It's lovely words, and I don't doubt for a moment that God loves me so much and will continue to bless me as He has this 2009 even if no one asked Him toon my behalf. But something about 2010 has arrested my thoughts concerning my own blessing. And I believe that He's outlining a plan in 2010 where I will become a blessing. I don't know how, or where, or what, but I truly believe I God is leading me into a year of being a blessing to HIM.
That's why tonights communion felt so vital. I needed to give my life back to Him tonight for His use in 2010.
Like I said, I don't have any explanation as to why I feel so strongly about 2010, but I'm very sober concerning the challenges and the growing that I believe will be taking place this coming year. I love Him so much now, He's so worthy of so much more than someone like me has to offer. But He still has plans for me, and I am ready to walk in them.
May your 2010 be blessed beyond abundance, and may you find hope, peace, and joy you have never imagined. May the love of God reign in you and multiply to scatter across your communities, your city, your county, your street. And may you find rest in releasing your hesitation and embracing His resolve.
God bless you. And happy New Year.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Growing...
I don't know what someone else would get from this... but I just have to write this to document what God is doing in me.
Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.
Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.
No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".
Go.
God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.
Go.
God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.
And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."
And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.
Get me there God, somehow.
And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.
I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.
God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.
As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:
HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)
Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence
Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed
Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You
Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.
Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.
No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".
Go.
God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.
Go.
God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.
And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."
And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.
Get me there God, somehow.
And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.
I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.
God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.
As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:
HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)
Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence
Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed
Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You
Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Are you a grinning-thumbs-up-dude?
I rode my bicycle past countless faces. Some zipping by in economical Hondas', other roaring along in their monster SUV's. Some on the phone, others studiously not looking my direction, and others still simply staring at me as I slowly pedal my way down the road.
Occasionally you'll find some one that smiles and waves. Sometimes I'm just happy if they smile.
But the other day, I found the one person I like best of all; he was driving his small white pick up, looking as though he was heading off to work. He swiveled his neck to see me pedaling my way along and he grinned and gave me two thumbs up.
I was thrilled, because I had finally come across someone that seemed truly happy.
I like happy people.
Go back in time to a Sunday just awhile back when I took a step away from my normal habitats and instead went to a Baptist church. It turned out that they were missing their piano player that morning and so I offered to help them out. As I played, the people sang rather unenthusiastically, and never even pretended to clap. As I played, I was constantly trying to gauge myself and make sure I did not get too enthusiastic myself and offend my new Baptist friends.
When the service ended however, I found myself converged upon by people that were excited. It was as though the minute church was over they came to life. One man laughing and grinning even said he expected smoke to start coming from the piano at any minute from the way I was playing... (And that was with me playing in a toned down fashion!). I don't think I could have been more shocked at their comments and the sudden change in atmosphere after the final prayer was said.
And I wondered about who we really are. Deep down inside. Underneath the professional demeanor, the formal spiritual airs, outside the stress of being a mother/father, and the stress of being a single person juggling too many things by yourself.
Somewhere, deep down inside, I wonder if we all have that grinning-thumbs-up-guy attitude just waiting to come out.
I admit, I feel a little beaten down concerning attitudes. Happy attitudes aren't always appreciated, and looking on the bright side or looking for a positive in a situation seems almost as welcome as someone yelling at you. But I keep looking out for people just like my thumbs-up guy. The world isn't full of stoic people that only feel the weight of the world. It's full of some pretty incredible people that just can't seem to get the candle out of the bushel so to speak.
I suppose this post isn't exactly "Christian", it doesn't have some type of Spiritual application or some valuable lesson about Gods character. It's just a post that says be happy. I don't care if I lose my home, my family dies and someone runs over my dog, steals my man and gives me a bad haircut all in the same day. I have reason to be happy. I have reason to have joy.
I want to be a grinning-thumbs-up-guy that just can't be stopped.
Except I'll be a girl.
Occasionally you'll find some one that smiles and waves. Sometimes I'm just happy if they smile.
But the other day, I found the one person I like best of all; he was driving his small white pick up, looking as though he was heading off to work. He swiveled his neck to see me pedaling my way along and he grinned and gave me two thumbs up.
I was thrilled, because I had finally come across someone that seemed truly happy.
I like happy people.
Go back in time to a Sunday just awhile back when I took a step away from my normal habitats and instead went to a Baptist church. It turned out that they were missing their piano player that morning and so I offered to help them out. As I played, the people sang rather unenthusiastically, and never even pretended to clap. As I played, I was constantly trying to gauge myself and make sure I did not get too enthusiastic myself and offend my new Baptist friends.
When the service ended however, I found myself converged upon by people that were excited. It was as though the minute church was over they came to life. One man laughing and grinning even said he expected smoke to start coming from the piano at any minute from the way I was playing... (And that was with me playing in a toned down fashion!). I don't think I could have been more shocked at their comments and the sudden change in atmosphere after the final prayer was said.
And I wondered about who we really are. Deep down inside. Underneath the professional demeanor, the formal spiritual airs, outside the stress of being a mother/father, and the stress of being a single person juggling too many things by yourself.
Somewhere, deep down inside, I wonder if we all have that grinning-thumbs-up-guy attitude just waiting to come out.
I admit, I feel a little beaten down concerning attitudes. Happy attitudes aren't always appreciated, and looking on the bright side or looking for a positive in a situation seems almost as welcome as someone yelling at you. But I keep looking out for people just like my thumbs-up guy. The world isn't full of stoic people that only feel the weight of the world. It's full of some pretty incredible people that just can't seem to get the candle out of the bushel so to speak.
I suppose this post isn't exactly "Christian", it doesn't have some type of Spiritual application or some valuable lesson about Gods character. It's just a post that says be happy. I don't care if I lose my home, my family dies and someone runs over my dog, steals my man and gives me a bad haircut all in the same day. I have reason to be happy. I have reason to have joy.
I want to be a grinning-thumbs-up-guy that just can't be stopped.
Except I'll be a girl.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Pray Believing.
Yesterday was a good day.
Today was mostly good until this evening when mom decided to leave him. She calls me up asking to move in with me. The medication is stopped (though despite my last post it was stopped the very night of that post rather than decreased. A special thank you to my home health worker nurse friend who confirmed the next evening that the decision was a good one.
Thanks Ms. L.
Tonight though, after an hour of conversation mom was willing to stay with him until I get there. We're all, (and trust me when I say I know how bad this sounds), hoping she just gets through this particular spell and forgets she's waiting on me. Instructions though involved a sign that says "I need to stay here until Net comes."
Dad was having a hard day too. He was trying to "prove" he was her husband and that he'd never left her. The alzheimers counselor says logic doesn't work and she's 100% right. Just makes her angry. It wasn't amusing, but my mom was rude to my dad tonight. "Would you PLEASE get off the phone so I can talk to my daughter." It's awful, it's stupid, but if you knew my mother and how she is never rude, you would have been amused too.
All that isn't about them. It's about joy. Weariness, and joy all mixed into one. I trust God in this, and He is seeing me through with comfort, but tonight He's also brought a touch of joy. Peace despite circumstances.
It's life. Life with all it's bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And God is good. He's goodness wrapped up inside all the bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And I love Him. I trust Him to get us through the next months. I trust Him to help us all make wise decisions. I trust Him with her life. With all of ours.
You can trust Him with yours too.
Have peace, let that knot in your stomach go. Breathe. What is the worst that can happen? Bad stuff, painful stuff, but nothing that eternity won't cure. So a bad few years? So an unhappy marriage? So your kids are getting in trouble? So you can't find a job? So you can't pay your bills?
Stressful I know. Hurts, I know, but you can trust in God.
Pray like all get out. Pray till you make no human sense because your agonized heart cannot help but cry out to the one who can help - but pray believing.
That phrase has always intrigued me. "Pray believing" It's only right this second that I realized a second meaning behind those words. It's not only that you pray believing for the answer you're seeking, but that you're believing - believing in God and His goodness, who He is, who He's promised to be, who you need Him to be.
Pray believing. Trust His goodness. He's good. GOOD. No matter what your situation He's still so very good. Trust that when you bring your needs to Him as a child who knows their Father cares.
Pray believing.
PS. It's raining in San Antonio. A GOOD steady (though hard) rain. It's been at it for awhile now too. We're in the middle of a 10 year drought. This is a God send.
Sometimes you have to go through a drought.
But God always makes it rain.
P.P.S. A friend wrote about me in a blog. She has a unique knack for describing people - I've always appreciated it - and she was gracious concerning me. She made the word "strange" seem almost endearing. :) She's a fellow foster parent except she is soon to be adopting her two. Lord willing and the courts don't fail.
Today was mostly good until this evening when mom decided to leave him. She calls me up asking to move in with me. The medication is stopped (though despite my last post it was stopped the very night of that post rather than decreased. A special thank you to my home health worker nurse friend who confirmed the next evening that the decision was a good one.
Thanks Ms. L.
Tonight though, after an hour of conversation mom was willing to stay with him until I get there. We're all, (and trust me when I say I know how bad this sounds), hoping she just gets through this particular spell and forgets she's waiting on me. Instructions though involved a sign that says "I need to stay here until Net comes."
Dad was having a hard day too. He was trying to "prove" he was her husband and that he'd never left her. The alzheimers counselor says logic doesn't work and she's 100% right. Just makes her angry. It wasn't amusing, but my mom was rude to my dad tonight. "Would you PLEASE get off the phone so I can talk to my daughter." It's awful, it's stupid, but if you knew my mother and how she is never rude, you would have been amused too.
All that isn't about them. It's about joy. Weariness, and joy all mixed into one. I trust God in this, and He is seeing me through with comfort, but tonight He's also brought a touch of joy. Peace despite circumstances.
It's life. Life with all it's bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And God is good. He's goodness wrapped up inside all the bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And I love Him. I trust Him to get us through the next months. I trust Him to help us all make wise decisions. I trust Him with her life. With all of ours.
You can trust Him with yours too.
Have peace, let that knot in your stomach go. Breathe. What is the worst that can happen? Bad stuff, painful stuff, but nothing that eternity won't cure. So a bad few years? So an unhappy marriage? So your kids are getting in trouble? So you can't find a job? So you can't pay your bills?
Stressful I know. Hurts, I know, but you can trust in God.
Pray like all get out. Pray till you make no human sense because your agonized heart cannot help but cry out to the one who can help - but pray believing.
That phrase has always intrigued me. "Pray believing" It's only right this second that I realized a second meaning behind those words. It's not only that you pray believing for the answer you're seeking, but that you're believing - believing in God and His goodness, who He is, who He's promised to be, who you need Him to be.
Pray believing. Trust His goodness. He's good. GOOD. No matter what your situation He's still so very good. Trust that when you bring your needs to Him as a child who knows their Father cares.
Pray believing.
PS. It's raining in San Antonio. A GOOD steady (though hard) rain. It's been at it for awhile now too. We're in the middle of a 10 year drought. This is a God send.
Sometimes you have to go through a drought.
But God always makes it rain.
P.P.S. A friend wrote about me in a blog. She has a unique knack for describing people - I've always appreciated it - and she was gracious concerning me. She made the word "strange" seem almost endearing. :) She's a fellow foster parent except she is soon to be adopting her two. Lord willing and the courts don't fail.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Don't Give Up.
I don't know what part of "His ways aren't our ways, His thoughts aren't our thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-13) doesn't sink in with us, but... we won't always understand what is happening.
And when that happens, Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Don't. Give. Up.
You won't always understand... accept that. Be willing to fight the good fight, even when you can't see your enemy clearly.
Be willing to endure the race, even when you don't see the end in sight.
Be willing to stand, with hope, even when things seem hopeless.
Be willing to press on with patience. Patiently awaiting the day when Gods plan, His will, finally shines itself through whatever your situation is.
Don't give up.
Guard yourself against the "give up" language.
When Elijah ran into the cave yelling about how he was the only one left, God knew He had people reserved. The fact that Elijah couldn't see them made him want to quit. But don't. (1 Kings 19)
Stand firm, in faith, waiting for Gods plan to manifest itself.
I was thinking on Wednesday night how the "steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord".(Ps 37:23)
We were unusually late for church Wednesday. We're always a little late because of a work schedule but this time different things happened to slow us down. So, 30 minutes after church had started we finally walked in the door. It was a very loud, and very soulful black church. (Our 2nd one to attend, they do a better job of welcoming people than most churches do.) Right outside the door we were listening to the unusual music coming through the walls and considered leaving.
But we carried on walking and went into the service where the song service was slowly coming to a close. I wondered briefly if we had been there at the beginning if we would have stayed through the song service. But we were late - so it wasn't an issue.
There were a lot of preliminaries and while I could describe a lot about the church I just want to mention this one preliminary act.
A gentleman got up, and instructed us to get out our Bibles.
We then repeated after him this "Bible Declaration"
And standing there, joyfully, with all these other believers who know as I do that this book, this God has changed their lives, I was profoundly thankful that I'd been led to that church.
And I grabbed onto the promise that each step I'm taking here - each new church, each new endeavor (as long as I listen and listen hard) is ordered of the Lord.
Even with my long diatribe about the church I went to last Sunday, God was able to use that awful place to work repentance and renewed reverence in me. The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.
Even with my many complaints about being bored because I haven't begun working full time yet, God has worked a patience in me and a peace concerning it. The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.
We all say we understand that God is not our Christian Santa Claus, yet we still act as though He is. Here's what I want, what I believe I need. Now go fetch it for me God.
The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.
Those steps don't always lead you where you expect to go. They don't always lead you where you want to go. But they will always lead you where it is best for you to go.
So don't give up. Whatever it is in your life that doesn't make sense right now, trust God and wait. I cannot tell you the peace I've gained in the middle of troubling circumstances. That is why I speak of joy and unhappiness abiding together in me because I am profoundly troubled and hurt by things going on around me, yet there is still joy. ** I only just now caught that I said I could not tell you it... it truly is joy unspeakable and full of glory**
But God is most glorified when your patience comes in the middle of a trial that would invoke impatience.
Just as He was most glorified when His Son, Jesus Christ, died for love of a people that should have invoked hatred. For while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
So, don't give up. Wait upon the Lord: be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord. (Ps. 27:14)
Don't give up.
And when that happens, Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Don't. Give. Up.
You won't always understand... accept that. Be willing to fight the good fight, even when you can't see your enemy clearly.
Be willing to endure the race, even when you don't see the end in sight.
Be willing to stand, with hope, even when things seem hopeless.
Be willing to press on with patience. Patiently awaiting the day when Gods plan, His will, finally shines itself through whatever your situation is.
Don't give up.
Guard yourself against the "give up" language.
When Elijah ran into the cave yelling about how he was the only one left, God knew He had people reserved. The fact that Elijah couldn't see them made him want to quit. But don't. (1 Kings 19)
Stand firm, in faith, waiting for Gods plan to manifest itself.
I was thinking on Wednesday night how the "steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord".(Ps 37:23)
We were unusually late for church Wednesday. We're always a little late because of a work schedule but this time different things happened to slow us down. So, 30 minutes after church had started we finally walked in the door. It was a very loud, and very soulful black church. (Our 2nd one to attend, they do a better job of welcoming people than most churches do.) Right outside the door we were listening to the unusual music coming through the walls and considered leaving.
But we carried on walking and went into the service where the song service was slowly coming to a close. I wondered briefly if we had been there at the beginning if we would have stayed through the song service. But we were late - so it wasn't an issue.
There were a lot of preliminaries and while I could describe a lot about the church I just want to mention this one preliminary act.
A gentleman got up, and instructed us to get out our Bibles.
We then repeated after him this "Bible Declaration"
Bible Declaration
This is my Bible, I am what it says I am. I can do what it says I can do. I am a believer and not a doubter. I respect and love the Word of God.
My Bible contains the inspired, immutable, prophetic, and unadulterated Word of God.
The words in my Bible contain seeds to exceedingly great and precious promises that lead to blessings, faith, wisdom, and prosperity.
The Word of God can set the captives free, heal the broken hearted, open blinded eyes, raise the dead, break demonic possession, depression and all types of oppression.
The Word of God is restoring my mind.
The Word of God is restoring marriages.
The Word of God is restoring ministries.
The Word of God is healing diseases.
And because of the Word of God I will never, ever be the same again!
And standing there, joyfully, with all these other believers who know as I do that this book, this God has changed their lives, I was profoundly thankful that I'd been led to that church.
And I grabbed onto the promise that each step I'm taking here - each new church, each new endeavor (as long as I listen and listen hard) is ordered of the Lord.
Even with my long diatribe about the church I went to last Sunday, God was able to use that awful place to work repentance and renewed reverence in me. The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.
Even with my many complaints about being bored because I haven't begun working full time yet, God has worked a patience in me and a peace concerning it. The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.
We all say we understand that God is not our Christian Santa Claus, yet we still act as though He is. Here's what I want, what I believe I need. Now go fetch it for me God.
The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.
Those steps don't always lead you where you expect to go. They don't always lead you where you want to go. But they will always lead you where it is best for you to go.
So don't give up. Whatever it is in your life that doesn't make sense right now, trust God and wait. I cannot tell you the peace I've gained in the middle of troubling circumstances. That is why I speak of joy and unhappiness abiding together in me because I am profoundly troubled and hurt by things going on around me, yet there is still joy. ** I only just now caught that I said I could not tell you it... it truly is joy unspeakable and full of glory**
But God is most glorified when your patience comes in the middle of a trial that would invoke impatience.
Just as He was most glorified when His Son, Jesus Christ, died for love of a people that should have invoked hatred. For while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
So, don't give up. Wait upon the Lord: be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord. (Ps. 27:14)
Don't give up.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Joy vs. Happiness.
I was thinking today about joy. And happiness.
And I wondered if it's possible to not be happy, but to have joy.
Could joy be defined as something you have despite your circumstances, and happiness defined as something you find in your circumstances?
If you say you have joy, but the moment a difficult struggle comes along you lose your joy - was it really joy? or simply happiness that is easily produced in good times?
Granted joy, just like faith, can falter sometimes - but overall, would the definition fit?
And I wondered if it's possible to not be happy, but to have joy.
Could joy be defined as something you have despite your circumstances, and happiness defined as something you find in your circumstances?
If you say you have joy, but the moment a difficult struggle comes along you lose your joy - was it really joy? or simply happiness that is easily produced in good times?
Granted joy, just like faith, can falter sometimes - but overall, would the definition fit?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Exceedingly and abundantly beyond all I can ask or think according to the power that worketh in me
I wanted to wait until I had something more solid but I wanted to share this interesting note.
I have been looking for work in San Antonio since about May. Since that time I've received little to no leads.
This is July... so I did what I do better than I do most other things. I took my job hunt to God. And I fasted for 2 days seeking Gods direction and leading in what He wanted me to do.
During those two days I got two phone calls setting up interviews.
I ended my fast.
My phone went entirely silent again.
I began yet another fast today.
Today I got two more phone calls.
It really doesn't mean as much unless you imagine weeks of applications and resumes and no response whatsoever. And then suddenly, I fast and interviews begin.
I almost (almost) think joblessness is the most exciting thing I've ever done. My only job is to do my best at applying for as many jobs as I can, and then simply trust God for the rest. It's... challenging and wonderful all at the same time.
Today, one of the calls I received is for a job that I have refused over and over again. People have asked me to do it for years, and I refused. And in fact, when I applied (almost as a joke) I made a point of telling them that I've refused the job before because I didn't feel I could do it.
They called saying they liked my honesty.
I hung up laughing at Gods crazy ways.
God is good. Quirky and crazy, Holy and Magnificent. And I cannot even imagine where He's going to take me next.
And I'm ok with that.
I have been looking for work in San Antonio since about May. Since that time I've received little to no leads.
This is July... so I did what I do better than I do most other things. I took my job hunt to God. And I fasted for 2 days seeking Gods direction and leading in what He wanted me to do.
During those two days I got two phone calls setting up interviews.
I ended my fast.
My phone went entirely silent again.
I began yet another fast today.
Today I got two more phone calls.
It really doesn't mean as much unless you imagine weeks of applications and resumes and no response whatsoever. And then suddenly, I fast and interviews begin.
I almost (almost) think joblessness is the most exciting thing I've ever done. My only job is to do my best at applying for as many jobs as I can, and then simply trust God for the rest. It's... challenging and wonderful all at the same time.
Today, one of the calls I received is for a job that I have refused over and over again. People have asked me to do it for years, and I refused. And in fact, when I applied (almost as a joke) I made a point of telling them that I've refused the job before because I didn't feel I could do it.
They called saying they liked my honesty.
I hung up laughing at Gods crazy ways.
God is good. Quirky and crazy, Holy and Magnificent. And I cannot even imagine where He's going to take me next.
And I'm ok with that.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Joy unspeakable and full of glory and air guitars
So I have a song. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you who sings it because I hate the name of the band. It's by a group apparently called "Big Daddy Weave" yeah I know, I'm sorry.
Regardless, looking past the muddy name to the music is the song "You Found Me." It is one of the few songs I will crank the volume up and actually sit in the car and wait for it to finish (even when it came on just as I parked).
I like this song.
I'll give you the words and a video in a minute, you should at least read the words even if you don't hit the video so you can hear the song.
This morning I was on my way to babysit with my niece and nephew when the song came on and I instantly turned the volume up and began... uhum... enjoying the song. I admit, I stopped at a very long stop light. I also admit there were other cars around. And according to my niece and nephew people were apparently... looking.
I honestly doubt that information because when I looked at the kids they were scrunched down so very low in their seats that it was surely impossible for them to see "all the people staring".
Still, an incredible air guitar song opportunity is not to be squandered away just because of watchers. Matter of fact, that's all the more reason to continue. So I did, quite happily until the end of the song.
The song ended as did the red light thankfully (how long are the lights up here... seriously... someone should write someone about this) and the protests immediately began.
"PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT YOU"
"So?" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
So I told them about joy, and how if you continue to smush joy down so others can't see it it will become harder and harder for you to see it.
Then, they both gaped at me as I forcefully called them cowards who will never change the world.
They simply couldn't believe I'd say that.
And I told them that to change the world, you have to be willing to let people see you be changed in the world. The world looks up when you act different just to see what you're doing. And they do that because so few people actually act different anymore. (At least in a joyful and good way.)
I played hopscotch on kitchen tiles, and ran circles around a three year old, I shook my face making blubbering sounds all because it made two little kids enjoy a moment of j o y, happiness, laughter. And a lot of people would have done the exact same thing for these kids. Just to see them giggle and laugh. But then, we crazy people, stand up and soberly look at other adults and speak about stern important issues like when we'll get our next x-box game or if Michael Jacksons doctor actually killed MJ.
I think we adults are stupid sometimes.
I lost my joy when I wondered if I was making others unhappy with it.. it just didn't make sense and then suddenly I fell off balance and couldn't just manufacture that joy back inside me. Little wonder that I got sick during that period eh?
But something happened to me late Tuesday afternoon when I finally took a Tylenol. (Have I mentioned how very much I hate medicine??) 20 minutes later I was no longer looking for ways to rip my jaw off my face and while it was obviously still swollen - it didn't hurt anymore.
Instantly, the words "Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh, what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer." Tylenol had been 15 feet away from me ever since I got home Sunday night... I had just refused to take it.
Sometimes we just refuse to give the burdens to God and leave them entirely with Him so that even though we're not sure how bad it will get we know. We know that we know that we know that we know, God is in control somehow and it's going to be OK. The important things will be OK. And despite my opinion.. my credit score is not labelled among Gods top 10 "Important things concerning Jeanette".
But when you do leave it with God... and you just trust, and wait, and stress a little, and wonder... that's when you can settle into this beautiful thing called "J o y". *Here's where I take a moment to mention that for reasons that I still can't figure out, $190 dollars showed up in my bank account the week that we moved here - there are no new deposits, it's almost as though I was looking at someone elses account when I first looked. I haven't the faintest idea where the money appeared from. And yes, that's why I tithe faithfully. I'm too chicken not to.
Joy unspeakable and full of glory and air guitars.
The lyrics as promised followed by the video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You Found Me" byGood band name here Big Daddy Weave
I saw 03.00 AM come and go again
Another sleepless night, thanks to living my own way
All my great ideas, I’ve regretted most of them
But that was back long before the day
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Hmmm hmm
Also know as,The day that you found me
My whole life has changed ever since the day You came
The way I see, the things I want, it’s everything
Some may call it strange, I don’t care what people say
I knew You were the only way
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Hmmm hmm
Also know as,The day that you found me
I’ve never known a love like this
You’ve captured my heart and You brought the sweetest
Peace to my life, brought me into the light
Now I’m all Yours, Jesus, draw me into You
I don’t think that I could ever be the same
Who would want to be anyway
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Regardless, looking past the muddy name to the music is the song "You Found Me." It is one of the few songs I will crank the volume up and actually sit in the car and wait for it to finish (even when it came on just as I parked).
I like this song.
I'll give you the words and a video in a minute, you should at least read the words even if you don't hit the video so you can hear the song.
This morning I was on my way to babysit with my niece and nephew when the song came on and I instantly turned the volume up and began... uhum... enjoying the song. I admit, I stopped at a very long stop light. I also admit there were other cars around. And according to my niece and nephew people were apparently... looking.
I honestly doubt that information because when I looked at the kids they were scrunched down so very low in their seats that it was surely impossible for them to see "all the people staring".
Still, an incredible air guitar song opportunity is not to be squandered away just because of watchers. Matter of fact, that's all the more reason to continue. So I did, quite happily until the end of the song.
The song ended as did the red light thankfully (how long are the lights up here... seriously... someone should write someone about this) and the protests immediately began.
"PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT YOU"
"So?" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
So I told them about joy, and how if you continue to smush joy down so others can't see it it will become harder and harder for you to see it.
Then, they both gaped at me as I forcefully called them cowards who will never change the world.
They simply couldn't believe I'd say that.
And I told them that to change the world, you have to be willing to let people see you be changed in the world. The world looks up when you act different just to see what you're doing. And they do that because so few people actually act different anymore. (At least in a joyful and good way.)
I played hopscotch on kitchen tiles, and ran circles around a three year old, I shook my face making blubbering sounds all because it made two little kids enjoy a moment of j o y, happiness, laughter. And a lot of people would have done the exact same thing for these kids. Just to see them giggle and laugh. But then, we crazy people, stand up and soberly look at other adults and speak about stern important issues like when we'll get our next x-box game or if Michael Jacksons doctor actually killed MJ.
I think we adults are stupid sometimes.
I lost my joy when I wondered if I was making others unhappy with it.. it just didn't make sense and then suddenly I fell off balance and couldn't just manufacture that joy back inside me. Little wonder that I got sick during that period eh?
But something happened to me late Tuesday afternoon when I finally took a Tylenol. (Have I mentioned how very much I hate medicine??) 20 minutes later I was no longer looking for ways to rip my jaw off my face and while it was obviously still swollen - it didn't hurt anymore.
Instantly, the words "Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh, what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer." Tylenol had been 15 feet away from me ever since I got home Sunday night... I had just refused to take it.
Sometimes we just refuse to give the burdens to God and leave them entirely with Him so that even though we're not sure how bad it will get we know. We know that we know that we know that we know, God is in control somehow and it's going to be OK. The important things will be OK. And despite my opinion.. my credit score is not labelled among Gods top 10 "Important things concerning Jeanette".
But when you do leave it with God... and you just trust, and wait, and stress a little, and wonder... that's when you can settle into this beautiful thing called "J o y". *Here's where I take a moment to mention that for reasons that I still can't figure out, $190 dollars showed up in my bank account the week that we moved here - there are no new deposits, it's almost as though I was looking at someone elses account when I first looked. I haven't the faintest idea where the money appeared from. And yes, that's why I tithe faithfully. I'm too chicken not to.
Joy unspeakable and full of glory and air guitars.
The lyrics as promised followed by the video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You Found Me" by
I saw 03.00 AM come and go again
Another sleepless night, thanks to living my own way
All my great ideas, I’ve regretted most of them
But that was back long before the day
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Hmmm hmm
Also know as,The day that you found me
My whole life has changed ever since the day You came
The way I see, the things I want, it’s everything
Some may call it strange, I don’t care what people say
I knew You were the only way
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Hmmm hmm
Also know as,The day that you found me
I’ve never known a love like this
You’ve captured my heart and You brought the sweetest
Peace to my life, brought me into the light
Now I’m all Yours, Jesus, draw me into You
I don’t think that I could ever be the same
Who would want to be anyway
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Monday, June 15, 2009
Life is a lot more distracting...
That's why I haven't blogged much lately. I'm here, I'm able to blog, but there's so much activity that it's hard to find that quiet spot in my head. I miss that quiet spot in my head.
But around here, if you're AWOL, the kids immediately search you out in case you're doing something interesting.
I don't mind though - I want to make sure that is clear. I'm glad of it... case in point - I was just interrupted by my nephew who just stopped in to give me a hug. He was followed almost immediately by my niece who wanted to invite me to come see a movie that "you probably wouldn't like". Her words not mine.
But I did find myself at church on Sunday. Both services were really very good. The best part of it was Sunday mornings service in which the pastor taught on "atmosphere". What kind of atmosphere do you create? And in it I felt the freedom to not worry about being cheerful. To always have faith and to always rejoice in my God. With the few obvious exceptions where meeting people where they're at is required.
But, I won't mourn with you without faith. If I sit down and cry with you, it will be for a world of reasons but not with doubt that my God will supply all my needs. I won't doubt with you. And I also won't pout with you.
It's funny how on some days your faith feels invincible isn't it?
Right now, the two that were worried so much about money and work have both got jobs. In fact, one of them has two full time jobs he can pick and choose from.
And the incessantly cheerful person hasn't even gotten a phone call. It's interesting. Maybe I should worry more since it seems to produce results.
Instead, I just keep waiting. Something is going to happen... I just don't know what or when. It's certainly keeping me praying because I'd hate to miss it.
God is good. Really, truly, deep down, bone saturating good.
Even when He leaves you hanging.
But around here, if you're AWOL, the kids immediately search you out in case you're doing something interesting.
I don't mind though - I want to make sure that is clear. I'm glad of it... case in point - I was just interrupted by my nephew who just stopped in to give me a hug. He was followed almost immediately by my niece who wanted to invite me to come see a movie that "you probably wouldn't like". Her words not mine.
But I did find myself at church on Sunday. Both services were really very good. The best part of it was Sunday mornings service in which the pastor taught on "atmosphere". What kind of atmosphere do you create? And in it I felt the freedom to not worry about being cheerful. To always have faith and to always rejoice in my God. With the few obvious exceptions where meeting people where they're at is required.
But, I won't mourn with you without faith. If I sit down and cry with you, it will be for a world of reasons but not with doubt that my God will supply all my needs. I won't doubt with you. And I also won't pout with you.
It's funny how on some days your faith feels invincible isn't it?
Right now, the two that were worried so much about money and work have both got jobs. In fact, one of them has two full time jobs he can pick and choose from.
And the incessantly cheerful person hasn't even gotten a phone call. It's interesting. Maybe I should worry more since it seems to produce results.
Instead, I just keep waiting. Something is going to happen... I just don't know what or when. It's certainly keeping me praying because I'd hate to miss it.
God is good. Really, truly, deep down, bone saturating good.
Even when He leaves you hanging.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Somebody's apple
I'm only scratching the surface of this thought, but even with only a scratch this post is written with a smile that can't seem to be tamed.
I unintentionally hurt someones kid this week. And while the kid was a friend, and I'm sorry to have hurt them, their parents are pretty important to me too. And these parents are certainly protective of their kids. Enough so, that, while I don't believe it is going to be a problem, the thought occurred to me that they could be upset with me.
I almost e-mailed them an apology just to cover my bases, and make sure they knew I wasn't oblivious or unconcerned with how my actions impacted their child.
But then I realized something.
I care about what the parents think of how I treat their children.
Do I care about what God thinks of how I treat His children?
So often, I go to God repenting of some sin, because I know it was something He wouldn't have wanted me to do. But I don't remember once ever fearfully and apologetically going to God nervous because I hadn't just done something stupid and wrong, but because I had hurt His child.
And I find that incredible.
And not just because it's a new way to consider my sins before God, but because it puts God more deeply into my mind as a Father who really cares about His kids. It's not just about you being sinful, or unrighteous and unholy. He cares about the fact that your stupid sins hurt people He loves.
And I love that.
I really do.
I've hurt some of Gods children - too many times in my life. Even in the situation that I described earlier, that was Gods child that I disappointed. Gods child.
But here is where the best part of the whole thing comes up.
While I can hurt someone elses kid and make their parents mad at me - I'm Gods kid, and when I hurt His kids He won't toss me out. He will love me because I'm His kid too.
I'm Somebody's kid.
And I really love being His child.
I hope I hang onto this lesson. Because aside from how thankful I am to know that God is protective of me the same way a regular parent would be of their child (except better), I want to remember that when I'm interacting with someone in a less than gracious way, that I'm talking/thinking/being unkind to someone that is of infinite value to Someone I love so very much and don't want disappointed in me.
As I revel in the idea that I'm the apple of Gods eye, and imagine what a beautiful, fully loved place that it is - I need to remember that a lot of other people are in that sweet apple spot too.
Father, help me remember that my perspective is such a shallow one and so very dim compared to what You see. Help me be gracious, and careful always to remember my absolute desire to bring You pleasure even when I am tempted. Don't let me forget. Let me never make You ashamed.
Hear a just cause, O LORD; attend to my cry!
Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit!
From your presence let my vindication come!
Let your eyes behold the right!
You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night,
you have tested me, and you will find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.
With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips
I have avoided the ways of the violent.
My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.
I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words.
Wondrously show your steadfast love,
O Savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings,
Psalms 17:1-8
I unintentionally hurt someones kid this week. And while the kid was a friend, and I'm sorry to have hurt them, their parents are pretty important to me too. And these parents are certainly protective of their kids. Enough so, that, while I don't believe it is going to be a problem, the thought occurred to me that they could be upset with me.
I almost e-mailed them an apology just to cover my bases, and make sure they knew I wasn't oblivious or unconcerned with how my actions impacted their child.
But then I realized something.
I care about what the parents think of how I treat their children.
Do I care about what God thinks of how I treat His children?
So often, I go to God repenting of some sin, because I know it was something He wouldn't have wanted me to do. But I don't remember once ever fearfully and apologetically going to God nervous because I hadn't just done something stupid and wrong, but because I had hurt His child.
And I find that incredible.
And not just because it's a new way to consider my sins before God, but because it puts God more deeply into my mind as a Father who really cares about His kids. It's not just about you being sinful, or unrighteous and unholy. He cares about the fact that your stupid sins hurt people He loves.
And I love that.
I really do.
I've hurt some of Gods children - too many times in my life. Even in the situation that I described earlier, that was Gods child that I disappointed. Gods child.
But here is where the best part of the whole thing comes up.
While I can hurt someone elses kid and make their parents mad at me - I'm Gods kid, and when I hurt His kids He won't toss me out. He will love me because I'm His kid too.
I'm Somebody's kid.
And I really love being His child.
I hope I hang onto this lesson. Because aside from how thankful I am to know that God is protective of me the same way a regular parent would be of their child (except better), I want to remember that when I'm interacting with someone in a less than gracious way, that I'm talking/thinking/being unkind to someone that is of infinite value to Someone I love so very much and don't want disappointed in me.
As I revel in the idea that I'm the apple of Gods eye, and imagine what a beautiful, fully loved place that it is - I need to remember that a lot of other people are in that sweet apple spot too.
Father, help me remember that my perspective is such a shallow one and so very dim compared to what You see. Help me be gracious, and careful always to remember my absolute desire to bring You pleasure even when I am tempted. Don't let me forget. Let me never make You ashamed.
Hear a just cause, O LORD; attend to my cry!
Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit!
From your presence let my vindication come!
Let your eyes behold the right!
You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night,
you have tested me, and you will find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.
With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips
I have avoided the ways of the violent.
My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.
I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words.
Wondrously show your steadfast love,
O Savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings,
Psalms 17:1-8
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Baptism, death, joy, healing.
I was rebaptized today.
I hate to be dramatic, and using the word "death" all the time just seems dramatic, but in the moments just prior to being baptized I was praying harder than ever before in my life that God would give me strength to die.
I don't want to spend another day chasing things, moments, fears that keep me from the life that being completely dead offers.
I confess with resignation that I went down in tears. I was mess enough already without the added bonus of being dunked under water. But I could only cry more as I was reminded of the words "I have baptized you in tears."
But just prior to the baptism, we had been singing "I surrender all" and I was caught by the last verse:
"All to Jesus I surrender. Now I feel the sacred flame. Oh, the joy of full salvation - Glory Glory to His name"
I don't know why it struck me, but just moments after I came up from the water, I expected to still feel broken and pleading, but instead I had those words running through my head "Oh the joy of full salvation." "Oh the joy of full salvation." "Oh the joy of full salvation."
I smiled.
Something had changed. And while the art of getting wet doesn't change anything, the fact that I obeyed the simple command of "do it" is good. Though I confess, I was fortunate to have a pastor who agreed to do it, then picked the date, then ordered me into the room. To say I was reluctant.. is... putting it mildly. I'm certainly glad to have it done.
I'm also certainly glad that, while someone did have to push me through the steps, I was obedient.. enough.
But, I found some joy today. Joy in my salvation and I really think God tried to make sure I knew it was coming. I've spent the last couple of years either crying, hurting, or otherwise very somber. There have been wonderful, amazing times as well, but if I had to choose the predominant emotion of the last two years it would be hurt.
And I wonder, vaguely, if that isn't why I've been at the church I've been at. I once described it, as a hospital because it seems to attract the hurting and broken, it attracts those struggling with sins that addictively twist peoples lives into oblivion. The list includes several seemingly perfect people who, much like myself, looked hurt and bitterness in the eyes and then bent down under the weight.
Perhaps that's why I am now permitted to leave.
I no longer need a hospital.
Though, speaking of hospitals. My sunday school class and I are praying for Dr Pate, who is missing half a finger, that his finger will be made whole. If you could join us in this heartfelt prayer, I'd appreciate it. I'd love to silence the snickering of 5 kids imagining praying for his finger to grow.
I hate to be dramatic, and using the word "death" all the time just seems dramatic, but in the moments just prior to being baptized I was praying harder than ever before in my life that God would give me strength to die.
I don't want to spend another day chasing things, moments, fears that keep me from the life that being completely dead offers.
I confess with resignation that I went down in tears. I was mess enough already without the added bonus of being dunked under water. But I could only cry more as I was reminded of the words "I have baptized you in tears."
But just prior to the baptism, we had been singing "I surrender all" and I was caught by the last verse:
"All to Jesus I surrender. Now I feel the sacred flame. Oh, the joy of full salvation - Glory Glory to His name"
I don't know why it struck me, but just moments after I came up from the water, I expected to still feel broken and pleading, but instead I had those words running through my head "Oh the joy of full salvation." "Oh the joy of full salvation." "Oh the joy of full salvation."
I smiled.
Something had changed. And while the art of getting wet doesn't change anything, the fact that I obeyed the simple command of "do it" is good. Though I confess, I was fortunate to have a pastor who agreed to do it, then picked the date, then ordered me into the room. To say I was reluctant.. is... putting it mildly. I'm certainly glad to have it done.
I'm also certainly glad that, while someone did have to push me through the steps, I was obedient.. enough.
But, I found some joy today. Joy in my salvation and I really think God tried to make sure I knew it was coming. I've spent the last couple of years either crying, hurting, or otherwise very somber. There have been wonderful, amazing times as well, but if I had to choose the predominant emotion of the last two years it would be hurt.
And I wonder, vaguely, if that isn't why I've been at the church I've been at. I once described it, as a hospital because it seems to attract the hurting and broken, it attracts those struggling with sins that addictively twist peoples lives into oblivion. The list includes several seemingly perfect people who, much like myself, looked hurt and bitterness in the eyes and then bent down under the weight.
Perhaps that's why I am now permitted to leave.
I no longer need a hospital.
Though, speaking of hospitals. My sunday school class and I are praying for Dr Pate, who is missing half a finger, that his finger will be made whole. If you could join us in this heartfelt prayer, I'd appreciate it. I'd love to silence the snickering of 5 kids imagining praying for his finger to grow.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
God can use anything better than you.
GO read Nancy's post. I loved this growing up but I've never seen it done the way she did it.
It'll take two seconds. Seriously. GO.
A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G
It'll take two seconds. Seriously. GO.
A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The reason I sing*
The ball wobbled on the rim then rolled down into the net, SCORE!
Immediately the quiet erupted into a screaming WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, feet stomping the bleachers, and claps so hard and long that your hands hurt.
And that was just me.
I can't tell you when I was last so exhilarated. We stole the ball, they stole the ball, we fouled, they fouled, baskets were made and sweat was dripping.
And we still lost. We did get 36 points though.
And coming home, my mind turned to worship.
I have no idea how loud other people cheered on my side, cause all I could hear was my loud WHOOP, and the crash of my feet rumbling on the bleachers.
And while I vaguely know there were some folks that simply watched the ball sink into the net, or watched our team snatch the ball from the other side - I didn't care too much. I saw my team get possession of the ball and started yelling for them.
I've complained before about how frustrated I am that I get distracted by other worshippers when I'm trying to worship God, if I notice that they're not worshipping, or seem passionless concerning what they're saying. And I wondered about the difference between my cheers for the Gainesville Tornadoes and Christ my Lord.
My sins are washed away??? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THANK YOU!
What a friend I have in Jesus? YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Some glad morning we shall see Jesus in the air? ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COME ON!
My joy, and my reaction should have nothing to do with whether the rest of the fans are cheering or not.
I remember seeing a clip of someone talking about flying on an airplane and the many complaints about delays and security and what not. He said that everyone on every plane should fly gripping the arm rests and screaming "OH MY GOD!" "I'm in a CHAIR, in the SKY!"
Obviously, people don't do that. We've lost our sense of wonder. We've lost our sense of amazement. We expect salvation. We're told from day one, all around us, that we'll receive it. Maybe we need to have a good, decent reminder that it's simply grace - pure grace. That we're sinful, scuzzy, dirty, rotten. BUT GOD.
Maybe we've lost sight of how awesome what God has offered us is? Maybe we forget that if He hadn't of drawn us,.... if He hadn't have looked down on US and chosen US, we could be forever condemned to be without His presence, here on earth and eternally. We're nothing special, He made us special. We're poor. He wants to give us riches. We're diseased with sin. He wants to cleanse us, and adopt us as His own kids. We're broken and bruised. He wants to heal us.
Do you remember that, when you walk into your church building? Do you remember that when you speak to someone so obviously lost? Do you remember that when you pray?
I'm not talking about forever dragging your head before God and man, unworthy and broken.
I'm talking about forever raising your hands in absolute, and profound gratitude, humbled and broken and restored.
Let my heart never forget to cheer, with wonder and passion for the wild and wonderful, powerful and loving God that chose me. And in that choosing, gave me new life.
LIFE
MIRACLES
PEACE
HOPE
JOY
LOVE
WISDOM
MERCY
DIRECTION
SHELTER
GRACE
PROVISION
VICTORY
A CERTAIN END.
LIFE.
LIFE EVERLASTING.
Amazing.
*Post title comes from a song of the same title. Lyrics are here.
Immediately the quiet erupted into a screaming WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, feet stomping the bleachers, and claps so hard and long that your hands hurt.
And that was just me.
I can't tell you when I was last so exhilarated. We stole the ball, they stole the ball, we fouled, they fouled, baskets were made and sweat was dripping.
And we still lost. We did get 36 points though.
And coming home, my mind turned to worship.
I have no idea how loud other people cheered on my side, cause all I could hear was my loud WHOOP, and the crash of my feet rumbling on the bleachers.
And while I vaguely know there were some folks that simply watched the ball sink into the net, or watched our team snatch the ball from the other side - I didn't care too much. I saw my team get possession of the ball and started yelling for them.
I've complained before about how frustrated I am that I get distracted by other worshippers when I'm trying to worship God, if I notice that they're not worshipping, or seem passionless concerning what they're saying. And I wondered about the difference between my cheers for the Gainesville Tornadoes and Christ my Lord.
My sins are washed away??? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THANK YOU!
What a friend I have in Jesus? YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Some glad morning we shall see Jesus in the air? ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COME ON!
My joy, and my reaction should have nothing to do with whether the rest of the fans are cheering or not.
I remember seeing a clip of someone talking about flying on an airplane and the many complaints about delays and security and what not. He said that everyone on every plane should fly gripping the arm rests and screaming "OH MY GOD!" "I'm in a CHAIR, in the SKY!"
Obviously, people don't do that. We've lost our sense of wonder. We've lost our sense of amazement. We expect salvation. We're told from day one, all around us, that we'll receive it. Maybe we need to have a good, decent reminder that it's simply grace - pure grace. That we're sinful, scuzzy, dirty, rotten. BUT GOD.
Maybe we've lost sight of how awesome what God has offered us is? Maybe we forget that if He hadn't of drawn us,.... if He hadn't have looked down on US and chosen US, we could be forever condemned to be without His presence, here on earth and eternally. We're nothing special, He made us special. We're poor. He wants to give us riches. We're diseased with sin. He wants to cleanse us, and adopt us as His own kids. We're broken and bruised. He wants to heal us.
Do you remember that, when you walk into your church building? Do you remember that when you speak to someone so obviously lost? Do you remember that when you pray?
I'm not talking about forever dragging your head before God and man, unworthy and broken.
I'm talking about forever raising your hands in absolute, and profound gratitude, humbled and broken and restored.
Let my heart never forget to cheer, with wonder and passion for the wild and wonderful, powerful and loving God that chose me. And in that choosing, gave me new life.
LIFE
MIRACLES
PEACE
HOPE
JOY
LOVE
WISDOM
MERCY
DIRECTION
SHELTER
GRACE
PROVISION
VICTORY
A CERTAIN END.
LIFE.
LIFE EVERLASTING.
Amazing.
*Post title comes from a song of the same title. Lyrics are here.
Monday, April 28, 2008
A miracle in me.
Wow.
What a night.
It seems almost wrong to write tonight, just because no words I could say would really tell the story of what happened tonight. But it was good. All those things I've been saying for the last couple of years on this blog... they're entirely true.
It's hard to like yourself. Easy to believe bad things about yourself. And really hard to fight for yourself. In one of my posts I remember writing that it's a lot easier to cry to God that you're worthless than it is to yell at the devil that you have value. And the devil certainly creamed me this time.
But tonight I suddenly had the urge to go to my piano, and I found myself singing the old Carmen song "Hunger for Holiness" and one piece of a verse goes like this:
The tempter stalks about me as a lion
Searching for the slightest scent of blood
For when the skin of my resistance is broken
He moves in swiftly to deepen the cut.
And I realized that the intial cut wasn't really all that deep. It was actually more of a scab pulled off an old wound and after months of festering and the devil at work, I found myself with a gaping, gushing, and putrid wound.
I don't know what the difference was tonight. Well I guess I do. God made the difference. I don't know what He was waiting on for me, because tonight didn't feel any different until I sang those words, and the realization of what the devil had done for the last months washed over me.
Even for all the questions that I still have, at this exact moment, I have peace about them.
One thing I do know was different tonight is when I said I needed God, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't do it on my own. I couldn't will myself to be at peace. I couldn't decide I would be full of faith. And I couldn't make myself hope. When I said I needed God, I knew there wasn't any other way.
It's late, by my standards, and I've already said a lot, so I'm not going to get in too deep with this post. Especially when I can summarize things pretty easily with very few words.
I've been asking where the God of miracles is, why doesn't He do miracles today. And tonight He did a miracle in me. And while I'd love to see a mountain move, I think this qualifies as a rock moving.
What a night.
It seems almost wrong to write tonight, just because no words I could say would really tell the story of what happened tonight. But it was good. All those things I've been saying for the last couple of years on this blog... they're entirely true.
It's hard to like yourself. Easy to believe bad things about yourself. And really hard to fight for yourself. In one of my posts I remember writing that it's a lot easier to cry to God that you're worthless than it is to yell at the devil that you have value. And the devil certainly creamed me this time.
But tonight I suddenly had the urge to go to my piano, and I found myself singing the old Carmen song "Hunger for Holiness" and one piece of a verse goes like this:
The tempter stalks about me as a lion
Searching for the slightest scent of blood
For when the skin of my resistance is broken
He moves in swiftly to deepen the cut.
And I realized that the intial cut wasn't really all that deep. It was actually more of a scab pulled off an old wound and after months of festering and the devil at work, I found myself with a gaping, gushing, and putrid wound.
I don't know what the difference was tonight. Well I guess I do. God made the difference. I don't know what He was waiting on for me, because tonight didn't feel any different until I sang those words, and the realization of what the devil had done for the last months washed over me.
Even for all the questions that I still have, at this exact moment, I have peace about them.
One thing I do know was different tonight is when I said I needed God, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't do it on my own. I couldn't will myself to be at peace. I couldn't decide I would be full of faith. And I couldn't make myself hope. When I said I needed God, I knew there wasn't any other way.
It's late, by my standards, and I've already said a lot, so I'm not going to get in too deep with this post. Especially when I can summarize things pretty easily with very few words.
I've been asking where the God of miracles is, why doesn't He do miracles today. And tonight He did a miracle in me. And while I'd love to see a mountain move, I think this qualifies as a rock moving.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Excuse my laundry.
I've found myself down memory lane for some reason this evening
and I'm going to write. Maybe one day this post will find it's way into my
memoirs. But my memoirs won't be about my house or demons. They'll be about God.
And that is what this post is really about.
A lot of my memories of growing up are blank. I just don't remember much. But of what is stored in my memory there is one week ranked as the most physically violent, and horrific week that we as a family endured. I think it all started when my dad discovered that a dog had wet on the seat of his 4-wheeler. I could be confusing events, but it seems like that was the start. What a pathetic start to a fight.
By the time the main ruckus was over, my mom had decided she was leaving. It was late. I don't know how late, but quite late. We drove to the nearest town and woke up an old pastor friend of my dads. I don't even remember why specifically we went to him. I just remember his office, my brother being upset, my mom trying to be strong, and the fact that my body would sometimes jerk and I couldn't make it stop. I remember the pastor telling me that it was shock and taking me by the arms and praying for me to be able to calm down.
I remember him promising to do the only thing that might possibly help. Only he never did it.
For reasons that, even as an adult, I don't understand, we returned home that night. And spent a week living in the home with my dad, packing, while mom looked for a job.
She didn't find a job and decided that was Gods direction to stay. So we did.
I always wanted to ask that pastor though, why he didn't do what he said he would. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. Maybe it would have.
From that point, I had a definite aversion to pastors. My dad was a pastor, and between him, his friend that night, and several other pastors I've seen, I've understood all too well that what is said, is not necessarily what is lived. Their church life to me was simply an act.
I understand that pastors are still human. And try not to place them into a sinless role that no one can live up to. But at the same time, I firmly believe, that before you stick the word Pastor, Shepherd, Leader in front of your name - you had better well be willing to try and live up to it. And be seriously seeking God concerning your calling, and your fulfilment of that calling. I would say the same for any person that calls themselves a Christian, but that's a different post.
Today though, I spent a couple of hours talking with my pastor. In 9 years of independent living, I've never willingly chosen to sit and talk with a pastor about a problem. But today I did. And he prayed. And as he did, a revelation of who I am in Christ returned to me. And then he reminded me of my own words about being a warrior. It's hard to describe the puzzle pieces that were clicking just then as I remembered things I had written and how they were written for days just like these days of battle. I remembered books I'd read concerning tricks of the enemy. I remembered quotes I'd tried to memorize about impossibilities and how only the naive people go after some impossibilities. And then the scriptures I've read time and time again came back to mind.
I left my pastor, a different person than when I arrived. I didn't go directly home, but spent a refreshing time praying. When I did finally walk back in the doors, I didn't even know what I was saying as specific names of spirits came out of my mouth. I rebuked spirits of lies, hate, violence, fear, and several others and they were commanded, each by their own name, to leave by the name of Jesus. I say "they were commanded" rather than "I commanded" because from the moment I walked in the door it didn't feel like 'me'.
I enjoy not feeling like 'me'.
It's not over. I still feel things in this house. And every now and then tonight I've just stopped and rebuked something and commanded it to leave. I'm glad Little One isn't any older, because she'd have some very crazy stories to tell her family during visitation.
My pastor didn't give me hope for the day. He simply prayed and I received it. God was there, just as He promised to be. And He changed my heart. He turned despair into hope, and defeat into victory. He made a way through this and He literally led the way, because I didn't walk through my doorway in my power today but His. And it made all the difference.
Still, before I left my pastor today I asked him (are you listening Mark?) I asked him and his wife to come to my house, as soon as they're able, to help. And despite my past experience, I really think they'll come. I wish my mom could have found someone like that that night. I hope every man, woman and child that picks up the phone, or walks through the doors in search of a shepherd, finds a real one. I have to say, I have little use for the fakes.
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