All I want

I'm listening to Mariah Carey sing "All I want for Christmas is you" as I type this - I was searching youtube for a not-so-awful video of it (for a fun family-type song, she doesn't always dress and act in a fun family-type way in the videos).  Here it is! Enjoy!

Have you been asked the question yet? "What do you want for Christmas?"

I have. And my answer, much to the frustration of the asker, was simple.

I want Precious.

All that I have, of any value, I've sold, or am willing to sell and just haven't gotten around to it yet. If you buy me something valuable for Christmas - I'm terribly sorry if it offends you, but if it's nice enough I'll probably sell it. Everything I have, all of me, is all about getting her. She must be bought with a price.

But as I thought about the givers in my life, those people that want to wrap up something I'd enjoy and hand it to me... I began to wonder about something. There is great joy in giving. But, we tend to want to give what we want to give.
My sister-in-law Glenda was recently pestered by her boss to tell her what she wanted for her birthday. The answer -  a giftcard to Wal-Mart. What did she receive? A gift-card to Ross.
Why ask if you aren't going to give it?

Because the giver felt they knew what was best. They had something in mind as what was good enough, right enough, useful enough, that they understood what the receiver should actually have if one were to cut through all the niceties of what people actually say they want and what they really could use.

I can't envision anyone in my family wanting to just wrap up five bucks and say hey, you want Precious - here is what we can do to help you get Precious. No. they want to buy stuff, or make stuff, or do stuff. Because it feels more like a gift. I understand this because that is exactly the sort of thing I would do myself.

And as I sat here thinking "I want Precious", the implications of it were...at least to me... rather intense.

I want her to be mine. Oh, she IS mine already. That is as established in my heart as if it were carved in diamond. But I want everything about her to be mine. I want to give her my name. I want her papers to say she is mine. I want to take the word "foster" out of  "foster daughter". I want to be able to stand before God and man and make a covanant before God to raise her. I want her to be fully, absolutely, completely, no strings or red tape attached, mine.

God wants me.

I want to give Him time reading my Bible, He wants me to be willing to just sit in His presence and listen for Him.
I want to give Him a hundred orphans saved, He wants me to spend time just talking to Him, walking with Him.
I want to give Him a perfect me - one that doesn't sin, or think rude thoughts, or give up when I want to be lazy. He wants a me that simply desires Him.

I look at Precious and I say "I want you" it has nothing to do with her growing, developing. All I think of is simply be mine - ob child, be fully mine!
I want her to grow but I simply want her to be mine. I will help her grow. I will hold her hands and show her how to stand, I will help her move her legs and learn walking motions. I will repeat words over and over and over again so that eventually her little beautiful lips will speak them to me. I will give her foods that change from milk to soft, to meat so that her body will grow and change, and strengthen.

All she must do is simply be mine.
She need not worry about anything else.
I will raise my child.

All I must do is simply be Gods.
I need not worry about anything else.
He will raise His children.

Isaiah 55


Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.

Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.

Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.
Behold, I have given him for a witness to the people, a leader and commander to the people.
Behold, thou shalt call a nation that thou knowest not, and nations that knew not thee shall run unto thee because of the LORD thy God, and for the Holy One of Israel; for he hath glorified thee.
Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the LORD for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.

Aunt Net loves you.

I had nearly 800 blog posts sitting in my google reader to catch up on when I got back and somewhere in the middle of them was a gem of a thought: In the Bible, love is described by actions rather than feelings.

I've never been the most original person in the world, so I've always been happy to find someone elses idea and flow with it. This is one time I'm sure I won't regret it. Loving someone, and performing all the less self actions necessary to show that love, is worth it.

My niece created a power point project for school and each slide showed a person in her life or an interest she enjoyed. Slides for her mom included details like where she worked and some other tidbit I can't remember. Slides for her dad included where he worked and some other detail. My slide? It was blank. The slide for the dog she doesn't have? Includes details about how great dogs are.

I gave her no end of harassment that she would be able to come up with more information concerning a dog she doesn't actually have than she could come up with about me. Yet today as it came to mind again a single thought stuck with me: "What would I want her to say about me?"

And then, as I thought about the greatest thing I love about God I realized I would want her to have as her one thought when she had to describe me:
"My Aunt Net loves me."

One of the reasons I love God so much today is because of how He treated me when I walked away from Him. How He loved me and relentlessly pursued my return and my surrender. I know I'm going to mess up and be a perfectly moronic idiot more times than I can count in my life - but I also know that through it all He will love me.

I don't have to worry that His affections will wander, that my sins and foolishness will one day be the final straw that makes Him give up on me. I know He loves me, and will love me, regardless of how I fail. And because of that, I will try harder not to fail, to not be that perfectly moronic idiot whose sins and foolishness might drive someone away.

And that's a gift. A gift I don't take lightly anymore. A gift that I can realize and understand better than I did 5 years ago... better than I did even 1 year ago.

But to give that kind of a gift to someone else I have to not just sit around feeling good feelings towards people. I have to actually act it out. Every day. Every time. I need to act patiently, kindly, not be boastful about myself, not be prideful, not seek my own satisfaction or needs first. I cannot be easily provoked, or think evil about others, I can't be happy about someone elses sin, and I have to rejoice in the truth.
I must bear all things (this does not mean with a sigh and a glare to ones side).
I must believe all things (this does not mean say I believe them while I think negative thoughts).
I must hope all things (this does not mean saying that I hope in order to cheer others, while I have lost hope myself).
I must endure all things (this does not mean surviving bad things while I throw pity parties and whine and moan).



In other words, I need to act as gracious as a any dog you'll ever meet. They fulfill 1 Corinthians 13 perfectly.


It's not an easy thing to do, and I need to get a lot better at it as anyone of my family or friends could probably tell you. But it's the greatest gift God has given me (outside of salvation) just to be loved and to be able to count on that love.

So for all the gifts that I wish I could give my niece, my nephew, my brother and his wife, to my friends and family, to you, it's simply this:
Aunt Net loves you.

Joy unspeakable and full of glory and air guitars

So I have a song. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you who sings it because I hate the name of the band. It's by a group apparently called "Big Daddy Weave" yeah I know, I'm sorry.
Regardless, looking past the muddy name to the music is the song "You Found Me." It is one of the few songs I will crank the volume up and actually sit in the car and wait for it to finish (even when it came on just as I parked).

I like this song.
I'll give you the words and a video in a minute, you should at least read the words even if you don't hit the video so you can hear the song.

This morning I was on my way to babysit with my niece and nephew when the song came on and I instantly turned the volume up and began... uhum... enjoying the song. I admit, I stopped at a very long stop light. I also admit there were other cars around. And according to my niece and nephew people were apparently... looking.

I honestly doubt that information because when I looked at the kids they were scrunched down so very low in their seats that it was surely impossible for them to see "all the people staring".
Still, an incredible air guitar song opportunity is not to be squandered away just because of watchers. Matter of fact, that's all the more reason to continue. So I did, quite happily until the end of the song.

The song ended as did the red light thankfully (how long are the lights up here... seriously... someone should write someone about this) and the protests immediately began.
"PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT YOU"

"So?" wasn't the answer they were looking for.

So I told them about joy, and how if you continue to smush joy down so others can't see it it will become harder and harder for you to see it.
Then, they both gaped at me as I forcefully called them cowards who will never change the world.

They simply couldn't believe I'd say that.

And I told them that to change the world, you have to be willing to let people see you be changed in the world. The world looks up when you act different just to see what you're doing. And they do that because so few people actually act different anymore. (At least in a joyful and good way.)

I played hopscotch on kitchen tiles, and ran circles around a three year old, I shook my face making blubbering sounds all because it made two little kids enjoy a moment of j o y, happiness, laughter. And a lot of people would have done the exact same thing for these kids. Just to see them giggle and laugh. But then, we crazy people, stand up and soberly look at other adults and speak about stern important issues like when we'll get our next x-box game or if Michael Jacksons doctor actually killed MJ.

I think we adults are stupid sometimes.

I lost my joy when I wondered if I was making others unhappy with it.. it just didn't make sense and then suddenly I fell off balance and couldn't just manufacture that joy back inside me. Little wonder that I got sick during that period eh?

But something happened to me late Tuesday afternoon when I finally took a Tylenol. (Have I mentioned how very much I hate medicine??) 20 minutes later I was no longer looking for ways to rip my jaw off my face and while it was obviously still swollen - it didn't hurt anymore.
Instantly, the words "Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh, what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer." Tylenol had been 15 feet away from me ever since I got home Sunday night... I had just refused to take it.

Sometimes we just refuse to give the burdens to God and leave them entirely with Him so that even though we're not sure how bad it will get we know. We know that we know that we know that we know, God is in control somehow and it's going to be OK. The important things will be OK. And despite my opinion.. my credit score is not labelled among Gods top 10 "Important things concerning Jeanette".

But when you do leave it with God... and you just trust, and wait, and stress a little, and wonder... that's when you can settle into this beautiful thing called "J o y". *Here's where I take a moment to mention that for reasons that I still can't figure out, $190 dollars showed up in my bank account the week that we moved here - there are no new deposits, it's almost as though I was looking at someone elses account when I first looked. I haven't the faintest idea where the money appeared from. And yes, that's why I tithe faithfully. I'm too chicken not to.

Joy unspeakable and full of glory and air guitars.


The lyrics as promised followed by the video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You Found Me" by Good band name here Big Daddy Weave

I saw 03.00 AM come and go again
Another sleepless night, thanks to living my own way
All my great ideas, I’ve regretted most of them
But that was back long before the day

When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Hmmm hmm
Also know as,The day that you found me

My whole life has changed ever since the day You came
The way I see, the things I want, it’s everything
Some may call it strange, I don’t care what people say
I knew You were the only way

When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free
Hmmm hmm
Also know as,The day that you found me

I’ve never known a love like this
You’ve captured my heart and You brought the sweetest
Peace to my life, brought me into the light
Now I’m all Yours, Jesus, draw me into You
I don’t think that I could ever be the same
Who would want to be anyway

When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I’ve never felt so free

Where God wants you...

It's.... odd... or at least hard to wrap my mind around how God takes time to know where I should be, where I should work, and who I should meet.

I got a little part time job babysitting while I continued looking for "real work". Then as I told people about my new job, I had more people than I stopped to count inform me that I needed to find work as a Nanny.

Almost as a joke, I responded to an ad on craigslist of all places. (I like craigslist, really, but craigslist has a bunnnnnch of scams.)
And the next thing I know, I'm a nanny.

To top it off, the mother liked me so much she wanted to offer me the job the same evening I interviewed (Her next two interviews were not scheduled until today.) That's simply called the favor of God preceding my interview because that's more than should be expected.

So... I'm a nanny. Crazy.

But at the same time as I write this putting in boldface the idea that God would care so much about the details of MY life. I know that as much as He loves me it really isn't so entirely about me.

It's about HIS work, being done in HIS timing, and HIS way.

Unfortunately, He's using a crack pot for a vessel, and I can only pray I get all of the "HIS" parts right, and hit a few less of the "I" parts.

Compassion Project

I completely get that this isn't a very interactive blog. I really do.
But I'm not going to let that stop me from pulling myself out of journal mode and sitting down with you - YOU - and telling you about something new I'm joining into.

The bugs are being worked out, so nothing has happened yet but details will be forthcoming soon.


Ready?

Ok.

Here's the deal.

CoolDad, aka Eric, over at "Are We Still Cool?" wrote about an idea where people that can't afford to sponsor a child through Compassion could all unite together and sponsor one. His initial suggestion was that if 33 people joined in, each of us could put in 12 dollars a year and our collective child could be taken care of with us only having to find $12 bucks a year in our budget.

So far 6 people (myself included) have joined in which has us all committed to producing $5 a month.

Right now, especially at this moving time, I can't afford an extra $33 each month - but I can do $5.

So if you're at all interested in joining, go over to Erics blog and drop a comment on this post and he'll contact you and put you in the program. (The more participants the lower the monthly fees will be. For example - if two of you join, the collective dues would go down to approximately $4 bucks a month).

I get that money is tight, and I get that not everyone has a burden for these kids, and I hope you know not to feel badly for not coughing up money to join the program. But I wanted to tell you about it because if it's at all possible, I really do hope you'll join us.

And I mean that from the bottom of my heart to all of you. Whoever you are. :)

Oh, and not to guilt trip you or anything - but I found this a while back and have been saving it for this post because I like the challenging message to it.

In his message he told the story of how he decided to give away a large sum of money he earned. And he ended the story by saying that some people ask him if it’s wise to give it all away. “Shouldn’t you be more moderate in your generosity?” they essentially ask. “Shouldn’t you put some of it away in case of emergency?”
To which Chan answered, “Are you saying that what’s happening in ‘the developing world’ isn’t an emergency? ...Oh, you mean an emergency that involves me. Because if it doesn’t involve me then it’s not a real emergency right?”

(Credit: I found the quote at "Gospel Driven Church", who found it quoted on Shaun Groves blog. The quote is actually by Francis Chan.)

The power of "Oh"

In Sunday School class yesterday, we began looking at Colossians 3. One of the kids happens to be in the process of writing out this chapter 500 times (I'm so glad my parents never considered this punishment!). So I figured this was a pretty good time for us to look at it and figure out what it means. Hopefully, by doing this at #9, the words will mean even more to him by #472.

So we were talking about the old man, and him dying. And next week we're going to start on the new guy... but in talking about the old man I mentioned my old analogy of it being a real person, only this time I was clumsily trying to figure out how to make this analogy work for kids ranging from ages 7 - 16.
So our 'best friend' died. Our best friend liked certain types of movies, our best friend liked to smoke, our best friend liked to read dirty books. Then our best friend died. But we still went to the store and bought his favorite books, and we read them. Then we stopped at the theatre, saw a movie he would have enjoyed, and we went in and watched it.
I have to tell you, the effort was clumsy.
But I finished this clumsy analogy, and I had 4 kids staring at me (the 5th was so young I'm pretty sure it didn't sink in), and then one of the older ones said 'Ohhh."

And it was just as clear as a bell that at least that one had really gotten it. The others looked like they'd gotten it as well. But that one, softly spoken 'ohhh' really hit me.

Sometimes it's just the greatest blessing to know that your clumsiest efforts can be used by God. Sure it'd be nice to be one of those teachers that can explain things in the absolutely best ways so kids understand, and not only understand but get excited about them. But I'm not one of those. Teaching, most definitely, is not one of my giftings!

One of the things that my mom used to say was that God doesn't always call the qualified, but He qualifies the called. The quality, in these lessons is certainly not with the teacher. But God is able to do something with these things. When my best isn't good enough, or when I just downright fail to communicate my point, God can still use my words, and my efforts.
It'd be great to be a good teacher, but it's not about that.
It's about the God, who was able to feed 5,000 with just a few fishes, being able to feed 5, with 45 minutes of my less than talented teaching.

It's also not about me not being good enough. But about God being more than enough.

As I've stumbled through the last months, I've come to realize that God could easily be working on my pride right now. It's easy for me to focus on how religious I know how to be. But Gods working in me something that I can't fake my way through. Any dope can learn to play the piano and play for church.
But when you open your mouth to teach kids... that's when people, the most impressionable people in the world, are going to see what you're really made of.

Also, that "ohh" helps me know that I'm not doing this for nothing. It tells me that something is coming from the lessons, from all the words, from all the conversation. And that makes it 10 times easier to pick myself up and go it again next week.

If one little "ohh" does that much for me, I figure it can do something for someone else as well. So for all the 'ohhs' I've had the blessing of experiencing, I'm going to be working harder to remember that sometimes my preacher can't hear me go "ohh". The co-worker down the hall that has been such a great teacher for me, he's never heard my 'ohh' of understanding. All the people in my life that randomly do stuff that teaches me something more about God, and about life, and walking this walk... every once in a while, I want to make sure they hear me let them know.

Commenters, you spark something in me every time you comment. It's such a joy, a real joy to know someone read this and actually understood what I meant! I get just the right amount of comments. Because too many would give me pride issues, I'm 100% certain. But every once in a while a comment just pops up that encourages me.

And while I'm thanking people... I just want the inventor of the Lemon Berry slush from Sonic, and the creators of Wylers GRAPE kool-aid to know, that they really make rough days better, and I appreciate their contributions to my world.

That is all. :)

A great post

I found this post from JKing and thought it was just great! The topic of the post is his son praying for a dead bird, but the point of the post is very sharp. Go check it out and be blessed.

The Obvious Doesn't Always Matter.

Love

She was as scruffy as any kid I ever saw. She'd spent the last three hours eating hot dogs, and an ice cream bar for dinner, then played in the sand, sat on the sidewalk, then threw rocks into the lake randomly wiping her 'yucky' hands onto her shirt. At some point wipes of dirt and sand had gotten onto her face, smeared slightly by rubbing and drops of water from the lake.

It started to rain and this scruffy, muddy little tyke trudged back down the road, through the grass, and up the hill where, in the rain, she continued to play in the sand and with toys for a bit longer. Then there was one last parting ice cream bar handed out to all the scruffy children besides my own and they all sat outside slurping them down while we watched it rain.

And it was as I smoothed her wet hair down I knew then that I loved her. I was in love. Not the general love I had for her when she first arrived, but the deep soul-reaching love that changes everything. And the responsibilities I have concerning her nearly made my knees buckle. From that moment on our relationship has seemed almost brand new. I love her. She's not mine to love, and she might go away at any moment or stay 2 years I don't know. But I love her. And from that soggy moment on, I knew I'd never be the same.

I believe in my sidebar profile I talk about how amazing Gods love is in that "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

And it made me wonder if love is drawn more by imperfection, rather than perfection.

We're children, with little to offer except love, obedience, and random acts of maturity and goodness that make the Fathers heart swell. Our smiles and enjoyment delight Him. He is easy to please.

It's the only explanation of why God loves us.

Giving kids something to do.

I was told to think about something. So I did.

My church was sent a letter. It was from a reporter at our local news paper who was asking the community, community leaders, and churches to get involved with a solution to a problem he has seen our small town has.

The problem is: Kids are all over town with nothing to do.

Because of bored kids, vandalism has become a serious issue in the town. Since I moved to the town, I have been reading about the problem nearly every week. Notices in the paper asking everyone to please report anything suspicious, so that maybe this time the police can do something rather than simply make a report and clean up the mess.

The reporter had a big idea for a community center. The description sounds like a recreational center. A great big building filled with fun stuff for kids to do.

I'm all for it. I do have a question though.

How far will we go?

At what point will we decide to stop building places and rooms for them to go to, toys and games and gadgets for them to use, and handing them cell phones so they can check in with a simple text message?

When will we stop and say these kids are worth something more valuable than money - our time.

I simply tried to mow my yard this weekend and ended up with an audience of 6 children. I've never met new children in my house though. I always seem to have to go outside for them. If I want to impact the children in my neighborhood all I have to do is go outside. I can sit in my backyard and throw a ball in the air and children will eventually show up. If I go outside and do this every night, I'll shortly find myself stepping out the door to a waiting crowd.

It wouldn't cost me a dime. But it could very well cost me a few hours.

But I doubt the reporter would send out a letter asking for parents, community leaders, and churches to all give up our time, give of ourselves and teach these kids. If he's smart, he probably knows that not too many people would be willing to. I know very well it's 95 degrees outside when I go home. I don't want to go outside either.

It's easier to buy a game. I spent 3 dollars at a thrift store for a game called Torx. I handed it to my niece and nephew and the next 45 minutes were entirely hassle free. I got a lot accomplished. But, it's not the same as when I look them in the eye and say "this time is yours, we're going to spend it together". It doesn't mean you're doing silly things, or playing a game. Sometimes it means you're teaching them how to do laundry. Sometimes it means you're reading a book. Sometimes it means you're just talking about the day.

Kids aren't much to talk to sometimes. I've heard a whole lot of jibber jabber. I've heard words and sounds that I don't understand from the younger kids, and way too many words about virtually nothing from the older ones. But deeply embedded in those words is some priceless information about who your kid is, and how they feel about things you didn't believe they thought about.

The thing is, it works both ways. When you sit down and actually talk, not just convey instructions and schedules or rules, they're able to find out who you are. And how you feel about things they believe you've never faced before.

You can build a big building and send them off to play. They'll enjoy it. Say! I would even enjoy it. 45 minutes of peace and quiet in the house seems priceless. But it's not priceless. It just cost me 45 minutes of my kids life. The only question is what I'm going to hold as more valuable.