Post 3 - Gods Love - The love of God is greater far...

In the deepest recesses of my absolute being something inside me cries out simply this: "Dear God, please let her be mine."

I'm living, right now, every moment as a gift and am jealously guarding them not wanting to lose time, precious time, numbered time, with Precious. I've loved children before. Loved and returned them back to their original owners. One time before I looked at one child as different, the bond was different, stronger than it had been with some of the other kids I'd fostered. But the time came and I let her go.

I didn't get into foster parenting to adopt. But every once in awhile, someone comes along to change that.

Before I ever met Precious in NICU, before I donned the yellow surgical gown and washed my hands, there was something deep inside me that was anxious to get to her. There was something that said she was mine and that I was not where I should be when I finally received news she was being placed with me and that I could visit her at 8pm when the visiting hours re-opened. On my very first visit, driving to the hospital, I looked down at my speedometer and discovered that I was going 85 miles per hour. I wouldn't have been able to tell you why except that she was in a scary, foreign world to me called NICU and that I needed to be there.

I stayed late that night, holding, looking, feeling the scary symptoms of things I'm not allowed to name.
She came into my home, and I rocked her, and held her, and she was mine.

I loved her before I knew her, and I wouldn't even be able to tell you how that was even possible.

But a couple of weeks ago I finally loved her enough. I began to love her the way she deserves to be loved by me.

I've prayed for every child in my home, and I have prayed for Precious.

But I've also prayed for every childs parents and I have not prayed for the parents of Precious. And finally, a couple of weeks ago, with anguish of heart I prayed that prayer. I prayed it earnestly. Sincerely. I prayed for Gods perfect will in their lives, that the enemy attacking their lives would be bound and the chains holding so tightly onto the parents would be broken.

Even now, it hurts to even type those words. I want to cry.

But there was something in praying it, and finally being able to mean it, that released me. It released in me the joy of knowing that I am doing every single thing I possibly can for this intensely precious and wonderful little being that God so .... wonderfully, graciously... amazingly.. put into my home.

Precious is my here and now, but God is my eternity. I will love God more than I love her. I will obey Him, and serve Him with all of my being even when it contradicts what my heart that loves her wants to do. I will desire Him more than I so deeply desire her. And after releasing MY desires for her and placing them in Gods hands and praying HIS desires for the situation I discovered that I am loving her with GODS love, rather than just my own. A concept I've heard another preacher (Matt Chandler) talk about before but never quite grasped.

So tonight as I held her and softly patted her back, I whispered in her ear over and over again "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you." and part of my intelligent mind said "Maybe I should be saying "Jesus loves you" so that she'll grow up hearing those words as well?"

And I realized... with a bit of amazement... that I'd told her just that.

What's that supposed to mean?

There's something about a number of followers that leave you suddenly talking to a crowd, rather than doing what I used to do - write for myself. And often, when you talk to a crowd, you're not quite as deep-gut, soul-wrenching honest as you would be normally.

I've tried before to close my eyes and pretend you guys don't exist, but every time I do that I see a story or video and think "Hey, my blog readers might really like to see/hear that!". But here I am trying again to pretend you're just a friend, sitting next to me at lunch listening to me talk --- and not a bunch of random strangers.

God's been dealing a lot lately with me about my heart. At some point I realized I was angry. And I'm not an angry person. I've acted angry to get a kids attention once or twice, but rarely do I actually get angry angry. Yet, I realized I've been angry for a little while.

So I was talking with God about it and He did something I hate. He made no sense at all.
Let me tell you, exactly what He said.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love."
Ok, sure, um... that's great God but I'm not angry at You I'm pretty sure, maybe I am, I don't know but... regardless, what's that supposed to mean?
"I have loved you with an everlasting love."

He said it over and over and over again. And then, when I thought He was done, He said it over, and over and over again.
He said it till something in me just ripped into shreds and there I was driving down busy, rush hour Loop 410 with no visibility whatsoever from these two tear ducts I call eyes.

I'm still learning and growing, though it's awfully slow sometimes it seems; but God is trying to tell me something and I want to hear it. If you asked me I could write 50 blog posts about how great His love is for me. I'd tell you I knew it, I grasped it, but there's something He's telling me that I'm just not getting.

But I think He just challenged me to do what I just said I could do and write 50 blog posts about how great His love is for me.
I figured He, of all people, would have been able to tell I was just evangelistically speaking. 50 is a lot....I don't even know where to begin. humnph, maybe that was His point all along.

Gods response to repentance.

So I repented.
I told God I couldn't handle the stress, and worrying about it. I told Him that I couldn't fix or change, or better the situation at all. Only God could make it workable. I told Him I needed His help, I needed His wisdom, I needed His peace, I needed Him.

That was Sunday.

Monday morning I went in to work to find an e-mail from my boss waiting for me. She is starting the process to make me a permanent employee. She's starting this process more than 2 weeks early, so it might hopefully be accomplished near my 90 day mark.
Others have waited months past their 90 days to get this notice. The girl I hired with didn't get this notice. I got this notice.

Monday night, my heart had completely changed towards a house that I hated. I called them up to see if I could look at it, they made special arrangements for me (including giving me the code to the lockbox so I could let myself in - which in San Antonio isn't something that's usually even considered according to my co-workers who were in shock).

I looked at the house, deemed it not only good, but really nice.

So today I called them and asked them to take $50 off the rent. After some consideration, they said no, but gave me the information that they cover the water/sewage bill. Something that accounts for pretty much $50.
They aren't going to charge me the application fee.
I don't even have to apply since they'd received my application for the house I'm currently living in.
It's May 26th, and they are going to hold the house until July 1st for no additional fees.

So Sunday I went from scared about the future to leaving it in Gods hands.
It's now Wednesday, and I have a house, and a job.

To say I'm humbled is putting it mildly. Gods hands are where this should have been the whole time. I can't tell you how wonderful He is. But you can sure imagine from stories like this.
He's more than wonderful.

Christs character concerning not nice people...

I had to change the title to the post because I'd originally written "enemies". Enemies though, is too restrictive of a word. But as general citizens of the world we typically don't have a lot of enemies that we struggle with how to treat. Instead, we struggle with the jerk sitting at the table next to us, the cop writing us a ticket, the neighbor who lets his dog "visit" your lawn.

But what caught my attention tonight was a combination of two things: reading in Acts and seeing the change that took place in Peter and how he changed from who he was to what he became, and reading about Jesus washing the disciples feet. Of the last story, it was particularly Judas' feet that caught my attention. The one He knew would betray Him; He knelt down on the floor, took off his sandals and washed his feet.

So often I want to give up on people that fail me, or even just annoy me. I discount some people as unimportant in my life. But Jesus knew something important - He knew HE was important in everyones life. He wasn't taking stock of whether they were important for His or not.

The only people Jesus seemed to genuinely dislike were bad religious people. Everyone else... He had time for. Everyone else He didn't scorn. Sinners changed around Him, yet you never heard Him telling them they had to do better, try harder. All He did was love them.

If Christ could wash the feet of the one who was about to betray Him... I can be nice to the white SUV that's going to cut me off in traffic tomorrow, or the customer who is outraged because their checks aren't free, or the tenant who doesn't pay their rent.

It's... interesting... being a Christian and trying to love everybody all the time. So often I feel justified in not caring... but it simply isn't true. It simply isn't true.

How do I know I am a beloved child of God?

I was talking to an old friend the other day and the subject of their recent struggle with God came up. They indicated that they perhaps weren't mad at God anymore for not keeping His promises because they realized that God doesn't have to keep His promises. God can do whatever He wants. To the extent that you could live your whole life for Him and then arrive at Heavens gate only to have Christ announce that you failed to give that cup of water in His name so you were out of luck.

Quite honestly, I was shocked. The very idea was so preposterous to me that it couldn't hardly be imagined. Especially coming from someone who read the Bible more than I did. All I could think of was how the accusation didn't match the character of God at all. But alas, of all the scriptures running through my mind that spoke of Gods love they all seemed trite, easy to disregard suddenly. I didn't want the verses that spoke of His love, I wanted the verses that implied His love. The verses that told of His character, without ever actually speaking directly to it.

That's why I was so happy as I began hungering for His Word. As I read scriptures that had no bearing whatsoever (well, hardly) on His love for us I found they were literally saturated with implications.

I woke up with God telling me to read Ephesians 5. So I went there and found this:
Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children.
Which led me to 1 Peter 1:14 whose first three words read "as obedient children"
Which led me to Luke 6:35 which reads: "But love your enemies, do good and lend hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Highest. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful."
Which led me to Luke 15, the entire chapter coming to rest on the Fathers simple statement to the frustrated, sad, bitter child: "Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine."
Which led me eventually to 1 John 3:21 "Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God"
Which led me to Hebrews 10:22&23. "Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;)"


But the scriptures are simply full of verse after verse proclaiming Gods love for us. And it's easy to dismiss it since I've heard it all my life but the Bible speaks of Gods open, unabashed love for us - His kindness even when we're evil and unthankful. His love beaming down on us while we were yet sinners. His instructions to us to love those that hate us, because that is the very nature of God Himself.

He's not the powerful crazy God who has a quota of people to send to hell each month. He longs for His children, He loves His children. God is the very essence of love itself. When you hear things like that your whole life, you tend to shrug it off much like someone who is surrounded by jewels is no longer awed by the beauty and awesomeness of the value.

Today, I can assure you I will no longer stutter and gape should you tell me that God doesn't keep His promises, or that He's a fickle taskmaster who will live in glorious communion with you throughout your life yet keep you from separated from Him for eternity for something you didn't even realize you'd done wrong.

If you say it to me, I want you to know that I'm more than happy to sit down and show you verse after verse where God is pouring out His love for you. You won't believe it, you'll doubt and be angry still I'm sure - but God promised me that His Word doesn't return void, it will set out what it was meant to accomplish. And I will pour that Word over you as a balm if you would allow - that He could heal your hurts and bitterness.

It works I know. I've been moved to tears this week as I read section after section and realize that the story isn't just telling me a story, but of Gods love. For me. For you. For messed up idiots just like ourselves.

But perhaps you need to acknowledge first that you need to be ministered to. That there is something broken and vulnerable and angry all wound up that just needs to be ministered to. If that's you, all you have to do is e-mail. E-mail your brokenness and anger and I will e-mail my balm of Gilead for the seen and unseen. There is a path beyond the hurt and it leads to glorious Light. E-mail or comment if you're willing to admit you need help.

And let me just put words to something you already know. You're dying. I know you feel that way even without knowing who you are because I've been there, dying and broken, bitter and angry; confident I knew the answers and who God was enough to know He was too cold-hearted to trust in. But you don't have to die this daily miserable death. You can have peace, hope, you can live again.

Just reach out. Friends, family, minister, church leaders, or some stranger with a blog. Any of us are willing to help.

I will serve the Lord.

We're studying Ecclesiastes in Sunday school - and yes, it did take 3 attempts before spell checker quit red-lining my attempt to spell Ecclesiastes - and at the bottom of the handout for todays lesson was a question: "What are you pursuing?"

We'd read chapter two. The wise man had stated that he'd decided to test himself with pleasure. He then tried so many different things, land, possessions, "stuff" that made him both wealthy and known in the land. Wives, concubines, slaves. He stated that he denied himself nothing that he wanted that would please him.

And he found it was all futile. Vain. Worthless. He even found himself frustrated because all these things he'd gained would eventually be left to someone when he died and who was to say that that person would be wise or a fool?

I believe I have a pretty good perspective on "stuff". I don't typically acquire much, the latest and greatest thing out there doesn't usually draw me with a burning desire to possess. I like minimalism to a point that usually has people raising their eyebrows at me, wondering if I'm truly sane. And I still feel cluttered. I'm actually looking forward to June when we move because I'm planning on most of my furniture and "stuff" staying with my brothers family leaving me a little bit more bare.

So when I read that question this morning I felt bad that I didn't have an answer. Because when someone asks you a question about what you need to change and you don't have answer that seems almost foolish because obviously you're not perfect. But the idea of "pursuing" things held me up and I couldn't figure out an answer.

Until church began. My mind was constantly distracted with something that I might could possibly have or try to get and while it wasn't a physical possession it was still something that kept me looking for it when I should have been seeking and worshiping God.

I don't want to pursue anything except God. I want my life to read like a road trip home. Sure I might stop at a convenience store along the way, grab a bite to eat, or pull over and stretch my legs. But the goal, the focus of the whole trip is still the same. I don't want other things to blur my focus of the real place I'm headed to. Of the true goal I'm trying to reach. Everything else is just stuff along the way. I want that to be my mindset, and I don't want to allow my mind to be distracted from that to desiring other things.

But like everything else in the world, no matter how many times I tried to reign my mind in, it was like a wayward cat - if you've ever owned a cat you know herding a cat in the direction you want it to go is practically impossible. So I prayed that God would help me not to want anything else more than Him. And I hoped between the two of us we'd defeat this distraction.

Tonight though, as we sang yet another song service my mind was happily filled with only thoughts of worship. And when we came to the song "Rescue" I was driven once again to swallow worry of embarrassment and walk to the front to worship as they sang:

You are the Source of light
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You
I need You, Jesus
Come to my rescue
Where else could I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You
My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord, I put my trust in You

Tears didn't fill my eyes this time though, instead JOY filled my heart as I sang with an undivided heart that "No one else will do" and that "I will follow You" and said with solidarity that "Lord, I put my trust in You". And I realized I literally had to put my trust in Him just to defeat my flesh enough to carry out my pledge of fidelity and loyalty.

At the end of the song tears of joy and laughter escaped as I sang over and over again "I will follow You" And I realized that by His grace I meant every word.

What kind of God loves me so much He helps me love Him better?
What kind of God loves me so much He doesn't just wait for me to serve Him better, but when He finds me desiring other things instead of Him, hears me ask Him to help me not think about those other things - and does it.

I've said it before, and I guess I'll just keep saying it. It's a love that I just can hardly grasp. Who of you, if you were married and found yourself lusting after someone else would ask your spouse to help you not think about ________ ? How well do you think that conversation would go?
Even if it's the right conversation to have... I can guarantee it's probably going to be a long one with tears from a very hurt spouse.

But my Father God instead, simply rained down His love again and reigned me in. He captured my hearts desires and led them to the source of ultimate hope and peace. And because of that, just as the song said "He's captured me with grace". I'm awed by His grace, His mercy, His constant presence and how present He is to see me do well, do better.

Our church is starting a 3 day fast next week (beginning the 18th) and I'm looking forward to it so much more now than I was before. I'm only tasting, eating, and enjoying the pleasure God has for me in Him and I'm absolutely ready to simply embrace it. If it means going deeper now, fine, if He slows down my growth, fine. But I'm just ready to embrace this life and love Him as deeply as I possibly can.

I've needed Him to come to my rescue, even when I obstinately declared that I didn't. And He came. That means the world to me. And I cannot love Him enough.
I will serve the Lord.

Because He loves me.

Tell me God isn't working on my behalf.
I can always use a good laugh.

So today I chance upon a woman and just being sociable I struck up a general conversation about the heat. (I was trying to sweat out a cold that I somehow caught when my brother developed "Allergies".) As the conversation usually goes I mention being from North Texas and the recent move up here to SA.

That's the point in every conversation where I have to take a deep breath and remember that God is more important than peoples opinions. Because everyone inevitably asks "What brought you to San Antonio?" To which, after that quick swallow for courage I explain how God led me to leave my home and move here.

Once that door was opened I enthusiastically began telling her how glad I was about the decision and how He's blessed me so much in so many ways since coming here.
She responded with understanding that God does unexplainable things like that. And we began talking about spiritual things for a bit and she asked if I had found a church in the area.

When I told her how much I was enjoying the worship at the church I'd been attending called "Victory", she turned with surprise.
Turns out I happened to be talking to Linda Myers, the church secretary.
By the end of the conversation I'd given her a job lead since she was looking for work, and she'd promised to get back to me with information on joining the church.

She was in a gym, 20 miles from her home but right next door to me. God must enjoy moving puzzle pieces around to see our reactions.

I'm no different from anyone else. I'm stupid and foolish, crazy and misguided far too often. But I have learned to believe in Him. Even when things don't look right. I'm sure it will be challenged many more times in my lifetime, and I'm sure I will struggle, and I don't doubt that at times the hurt might overwhelm me - especially when I begin fostering again.

But just because you forget something, doesn't make it any less true, or real.
God is a God to be trusted, to be believed in. He is who He is whether I accept it, believe it, trust it, lean on it, or not. The only person I hurt by doubting is myself.

I told someone recently how my joy in Christ made me somewhat nervous, because I wondered how I would do when the joy ended because life became hard. But then I remembered my circumstances, the constant struggle the never-ending wonder about tomorrow and it's problems and I realized that this isn't a shallow joy that I'm dancing in. But a deep, rich, sorrow-filled/trust laden joy that is overcoming whatever I face.

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
How he loves David Crowder Band

Enjoy His love.
Quit fighting Him.
Trust and obey. His plans are not our own.
But His plans bring me to an expected end.
And I can trust that whatever sorrow and trials I find along the way are for a purpose.
I can trust Him.
I CAN TRUST HIM.
Even when it doesn't make sense.


Because He loves me.

And when I really began to believe that.

I didn't have to demand answers anymore.

I just had to trust that good or bad, happy or sad, He's in charge, and I can trust Him.



Because He loves me.



And that's why I love Him more than ever before.

Lord I'm amazed by You

I can't praise Him enough.
You think I'm kidding, or trying to sound righteous. I don't worry too much about sounding righteous anymore, I realized how foolish that was since anyone that knows me... well, let's just say they know the truth. :)
But I'm not kidding either.
I just can't praise Him enough.

I've never been so poor, so backed up, so uncertain about tomorrows...
I've never been so grateful, so hopeful, so excited, so overwhelmed with gratitude.

My commute to work is filled with worship that just isn't enough. I'm probably going to die on the 410 loop one day just because the curve is a little sharp to take it with one hand raised and tears blurring your vision. I cannot thank Him enough.

There was a debate at lunch today, as someone made the assertion that God doesn't love poor people. Otherwise they wouldn't be poor. And, as a poor person I was frustrated at what a ridiculous assertion that is. And then my heart was broken as I realized, the person making that assertion was poor. And with every struggle to pay bills, with every thought of how something was out of his ability to afford it, I wondered if he wasn't clouded with doubt concerning Gods amazing love.

It's no wonder my experience as a poor person is vastly different from his. I can hardly breathe sometimes as I write out my bills as I realize that yet again, yet again, yet again, yet again, God has provided. He has provided me an abundance, exceedingly and abundantly beyond. I'm sitting here aching to do something for Him because He's done so much. The greatest of which is simply the greater closeness with Him. I find myself in His presence, shaken and stirred, moved and broken, but more often than not I'm just utterly joyful.

I've found healing in Him that is unimaginable to me. My prayers, sincere and earnest used to come from a broken section of my life that caused more hurt and worry and fear; and now all of that is replaced with adoration and joy and trust and hope. I never used to smile in prayer, if I did it was rare. Now it's rare find me in worship without that stupid smile stretching my cheeks.

I just can't thank Him enough. I can't praise Him enough.

I'd give anything to change the hearts around me. To somehow clear their minds of the lack so that they could finally see the overwhelming abundance. At the same time I wonder if God didn't make them with such a perspective just so they would push to something God has for them. But I also worry they'll receive what it is God had in store for them and with blinded eyes they'll keep looking for something more.

Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have - I wish with all my heart that I could simply give it away to those without, to those suffering from guilt and shame, to those struggling with anger, to those struggling with a feeling of inadequacy to those who simply can't see how great is His love for us. But I can only type it, I can only say it, I can only offer humbly that Jesus Christ LOVES you. He loves you so much, YOU, that He died, He offered His life as sacrifice for YOU, because He was not willing that ANY should perish. Not ONE. And if you ever stop and simply walk into the embrace of that love I can promise you that the things of this earth do grow strangely dim, less important, and the constant ever growing current of His amazing LOVE and MERCY in your life will leave you speechless. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.

He's offering you something that moth and rust can't corrupt. But don't look to see His love in monetary ways first. Dig into the Spiritual gifts, rather than the physical ones. You'll be amazed at what happens.

I gave Him me (not without a few difficulties and the occasional cries of "take back") but the rewards of what I received in return have been more than wonderful.
Lord I'm amazed by You and how You love me.

To sign off this post, I thought I'd include a snippet of our song service today. It's very fitting for this post. Enjoy!

He loves me the hard way.

At work I was eating lunch with some of my fellow trainees and the subject of our jobs happened to come up as one person announced that they were still debating whether or not to keep the job. They were thinking about giving it up and just living with their mom.

Another guy chimed in that he would do that, except he didn't like his dad. If it were just his mom and him, he'd think about doing that too.

Another lady announced that if she could afford to, she would never make her kids work and would be willing to let them just live with her for however long they wanted, never forcing them to have to work.

Time was getting close, so I took that opportunity to gather my things and go back to work lest I say something that would completely change the atmosphere of the table.
Something along the lines of - "I'm so sorry your parents don't really love you, and I'm sorry you don't love your kids."

Yeah, so you see why I walked away.

And sure, while I walked away I thought with gratitude concerning my parents requirement of chores and teaching me the value of hard work and money.

But it wasn't until later that I realized that the same thing applies to God as well. My growth hasn't just come without any type of cost. I have been allowed to struggle, and fight, and doubt, and yell, draw wrong conclusions, learn right conclusions, be wrong, lose friends, gain bad friends, be hurt.

It's easy to hope that love treats you well. Makes things nice for you. But too often - in our false ideas of what love is - we expect things to always be nice, to feel good, to be pleasant. We want it to be easy. We expect love to make things easy.

And despite my constant whining and crying over the issue...I'm so thankful that God loves me enough to let me struggle. To grow me, no matter how hard it is to teach me certain lessons. I'm so thankful for all the doubts, and all the fears that drove me to places with God I wouldn't have found otherwise.

I'm thankful that He loves me - every bit perfectly. Not afraid to do the hard things to me no matter how angry I get or how many times I hate Him for it. He's willing to let me walk away for a time, to let me be distant.

If I feel bad when a customer I don't even know gets frustrated with me - how great a love does He have for me that He's willing to do absolutely whatever it takes. I'm constantly amazed by His love. And through it, I see what love really should be. And I see how selfish love is the one that never challenges.

Fair warning to foster children everywhere - if you get stuck with me I'm going to truly love you as best as I can. Niece, Nephew - I'm going to truly love you the best that I can. And you may not enjoy it. But you'll be better people because of it.

Love someone today. Just don't expect people to appreciate it right away. :)

Discounted blogging and wonderful Saviors

It's interesting how God never stops working. Even when it's quiet, and you're so distracted by the events going on around you - God's still plodding along diligently working at the important stuff.
And for the record, I mean "plodding along" in the most magnificent sense of the word. :)

A month or so ago someone quoted me a verse - Psalms 18:29&30

For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall. As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.

And for some reason that chapter has been on my mind ever sense. And a couple of nights ago, God woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to read Psalms 18:24-34

I don't know why God works that way with me, constantly giving me references to go look up. I wish He would just say it - because I always walk over to my Bible with a weak little heart just waiting to read something along the lines of "THINE OFFERINGS HAVE BEEN REJECTED BECAUSE OF THE HARDNESS OF THINE HEART"... or something along those encouraging lines. Truly. But instead, I opened it to find these words:

Therefore hath the LORD recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his eyesight.

With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful; with an upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright;

With the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself froward.

For thou wilt save the afflicted people; but wilt bring down high looks.

For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.

For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall.

As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.

For who is God save the LORD? or who is a rock save our God?

It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.

He maketh my feet like hinds' feet, and setteth me upon my high places.

He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.

And that's the point that I always assume that obviously it was some other voice in my head that told me to look that up, because surely God would have given me one with condemnation.

No matter how untrue those thoughts are, they always seem to be there, camped out in the corner of my mind. God isn't going to tell me how great I am, cause look at me? Mother Theresa I am not. I'm not good enough. Never seem to get my act together enough TO be good enough. Why on earth would God say good things to me?

And here's the hard to swallow answer. "Because He loves me."

This morning, something unusual happened and it could possibly be that something really nice is about to happen. As I drove to work, I was telling God about my guesses and assumptions about the good thing that might happen and I told Him that I just didn't deserve Him to love me so much. He's been too good. Sure I've struggled, sure things haven't been perfect, but that's not what I'm in it for. And all I could see is how wonderful He's been through it all.

While I told Him how much I didn't deserve it, I suddenly started listing my faults in my walk. I reached one point where, while rattling off my list of failures, I said "I don't even tell others how great You are as much as I should" and instantly - it's almost as though He was just waiting for me to say it - He shot back "You used to". My first reaction was "when on earth did I 'used to'"? And He immediately brought to mind this blog.

I've got to tell you, writer extraordinaire I am not. By my iffy counts I might have 27 readers. Not that you 27 aren't important...but since you have no names and are mostly ip address numbers it's easy for me to not assume you're waiting for my next post, wishing "This Walk" would start posting again.

But it doesn't matter if there are 27 or 2700 or 2, for some reason God's given me this blog and 5 years running I've held onto it because God has given me a passion for writing about Him this way. But while I may have discounted this blog as not a witnessing tool, or not a valid way to share my beliefs and faith and love of Christ with others - I'm a little freaked out that God hasn't discounted it.

So all that to say, God is good, God works, God speaks, God talks to us. He loves us. And since God seems to be holding me responsible for my blogging I'm going to do it as unto the Lord. So you should be seeing posts again even if I'm confused, befuddled and overwhelmed. :)

I'm thankful for His love and His mercy. His goodness and His grace.

For He's more wonderful than my mind can concieve
He's more wonderful than my heart can believe
He goes beyond my highest hopes and fondest dreams.
He's everything that my soul ever longed for
Everything He's promised and so much more
More than amazing, more than marvelous
More than miraculous could ever be
He's more than wonderful, that's what Jesus is to me.

The love of God is greater far...

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

In my life I've always struggled with feeling loved.
I don't believe it when I'm told, and only lately have I come to accept a history of actions as proof. But I certainly don't rely on it, trusting it to hold onto a friendship or a relationship during the hard times.

I've seen enough of the world to know how easily people give up on other people. A lady I'm working with right now struggling with her marriage recently shoved aside encouragement that "It would get better", saying "I don't want it to get better, I want it to get over." 3 years of marriage. 3 years of "I love you's". 3 years of taking care of their children.

I've seen that example played out in a hundred different scenarios all through my 28 years of life - probably too young to feel jaded about love I suppose - but I am.

That's why when I really met Jesus, I worked hard to not be discarded. I tried to be perfect because not being perfect might mean He gives up on me. I wouldn't believe for a minute that He would give up on you - no, He'd never do that! but I knew me, and I knew people didn't love me, I was the exception to the rule. Ironic, isn't it, how we all convince ourselves that good things apply to everyone else but ourselves, we alone are always the exception to the rule. Even more befuddling is how even when other people tell us they feel the same way, we assume they're just wrong. The bad things don't apply to them, but us, yes, we certainly are the exception to the rule.

Now, I wonder how much God enjoyed watching me fail. Not for the perverse pleasure of it but because He couldn't wait to prove that He was still there. Not giving up. Not changing. Still as invested in seeing His work completed in me, and intent, fearfully and wonderfully intent on seeing the strange and awkward scars my clay had developed over time be smoothed away.

I'm no poster child for good spiritual, or emotional health. Perhaps not even mental health since Alzheimers does seem to run in the family genes... but while I've been sitting in this awkward place with God, wondering what He's doing and what's happening to me, in me, I've constantly been amazed at one thing and I just want to share it again.

God loves you.

Even saying it right now, tears are running down my face because it's just........so...........true. He loves you.

He loves me.

He loves me.

It's the best kind of love. The best relationship. The best friend.
I can be a complete jerk, the worst emotional basketcase, and a self-centered thoughtless bum - and He still loves me. It's not about being perfect. It's just being loved. Regardless of what I do. That love was there even when I rejected it. When I stood afar off from God and said "Here's how I believe God is," He loved me with an everlasting love.
When I said "I quit God" and waited on Him to stop loving me - He remained unchanging and loved me still with an everlasting love until I had no choice, it literally wasn't in me to be able to do anything else but humbly come back to God with gratitude.

....Even recently when I felt He disappointed me, He had a lesson for me in it that I should have learned long before now. I love Him all the more for that disappointment and His persistent and often inconvenient lessons.

He loves me. And, while I still have issues come up sometimes, for the most part I have finally - finally - simply begun to respond to that GREAT love. I've begun to trust in it. To believe that He holds onto me when I can't seem to hold onto Him. That He'll love me even when I've done wrong - but He certainly tells me to fix it pronto.

So for all that - it's taken quite awhile to figure out how to say all this so far - I guess I just want to say something to you.

I don't know what situations you specifically are facing. But this I know, God loves you so much. And when you finally get that realization, you will be so relieved. The burden, the fear, the doubt, the distrust; it rolls away into a tiny speck that only pops up every once in awhile to irritate situations. Sometimes, as you understand it better - it won't even be able to irritate you.
He won't give up on you. If He is drawing you, speaking to your heart then know this - He has chosen you. YOU. Specifically you. Sure He's got the whole world on His mind, but He's also got YOU specifically there as well. Trust in Him. Trust His love whenever you find yourself in a situation that's beyond you. God's in the middle of your troubles just as He's in the middle of your celebrations. Give your situations into His hand and trust Him. Give your issues into His hand; the hurt, grief, scars, distrust, anger, fear, guilt - whatever it is - simply tell God all about it. At the top of your lungs if necessary. He's strong enough to take it.

I know me, remember? I know I'm the exception to the rule. If you ever really got to know me surely you'd understand that I wasn't worth the trouble and just... wander off... But even I, can somehow be loved by God so strongly, so patiently, so determinedly, that I, the exception to the rule, believe that God loves me.

And if He can love me He most definitely loves you.
Trust it.
Lean on it.
GO for everything.

Aunt Net loves you.

I had nearly 800 blog posts sitting in my google reader to catch up on when I got back and somewhere in the middle of them was a gem of a thought: In the Bible, love is described by actions rather than feelings.

I've never been the most original person in the world, so I've always been happy to find someone elses idea and flow with it. This is one time I'm sure I won't regret it. Loving someone, and performing all the less self actions necessary to show that love, is worth it.

My niece created a power point project for school and each slide showed a person in her life or an interest she enjoyed. Slides for her mom included details like where she worked and some other tidbit I can't remember. Slides for her dad included where he worked and some other detail. My slide? It was blank. The slide for the dog she doesn't have? Includes details about how great dogs are.

I gave her no end of harassment that she would be able to come up with more information concerning a dog she doesn't actually have than she could come up with about me. Yet today as it came to mind again a single thought stuck with me: "What would I want her to say about me?"

And then, as I thought about the greatest thing I love about God I realized I would want her to have as her one thought when she had to describe me:
"My Aunt Net loves me."

One of the reasons I love God so much today is because of how He treated me when I walked away from Him. How He loved me and relentlessly pursued my return and my surrender. I know I'm going to mess up and be a perfectly moronic idiot more times than I can count in my life - but I also know that through it all He will love me.

I don't have to worry that His affections will wander, that my sins and foolishness will one day be the final straw that makes Him give up on me. I know He loves me, and will love me, regardless of how I fail. And because of that, I will try harder not to fail, to not be that perfectly moronic idiot whose sins and foolishness might drive someone away.

And that's a gift. A gift I don't take lightly anymore. A gift that I can realize and understand better than I did 5 years ago... better than I did even 1 year ago.

But to give that kind of a gift to someone else I have to not just sit around feeling good feelings towards people. I have to actually act it out. Every day. Every time. I need to act patiently, kindly, not be boastful about myself, not be prideful, not seek my own satisfaction or needs first. I cannot be easily provoked, or think evil about others, I can't be happy about someone elses sin, and I have to rejoice in the truth.
I must bear all things (this does not mean with a sigh and a glare to ones side).
I must believe all things (this does not mean say I believe them while I think negative thoughts).
I must hope all things (this does not mean saying that I hope in order to cheer others, while I have lost hope myself).
I must endure all things (this does not mean surviving bad things while I throw pity parties and whine and moan).



In other words, I need to act as gracious as a any dog you'll ever meet. They fulfill 1 Corinthians 13 perfectly.


It's not an easy thing to do, and I need to get a lot better at it as anyone of my family or friends could probably tell you. But it's the greatest gift God has given me (outside of salvation) just to be loved and to be able to count on that love.

So for all the gifts that I wish I could give my niece, my nephew, my brother and his wife, to my friends and family, to you, it's simply this:
Aunt Net loves you.

Groanings that cannot be uttered.

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Romans 8:26

This evening my phone rang. My dad called. His first words were that he was in a "whole heap of trouble".
"What's wrong?"
"Your mom..."
It took him nearly a full 45 seconds to finish the sentence.
I'm pretty sure my heart didn't beat for the full 45 seconds.

He'd hidden the car keys from her, but didn't expect her to rummage through his pick up truck getting the truck keys.
She'd gotten in the truck and left.

She's stage 5/6-ish of Alzheimers.

She was gone, and he didn't know where she'd went.

As he explained that she'd been having a really bad day, telling him she couldn't stay in the house with a man (she doesn't understand he's her husband) all I could think about was: 5 hours.
It would take me 5 hours to get there.
It was too painfully far away.

In those following minutes as he told me what happened all I could say was "Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God." There weren't any other words for it. There was no eloquence, nothing. Just the knowledge that He knew the need and all I had to do was climb to His feet and hang my hopes there.

Thankfully, God answered the prayer and she turned around and returned home. My brother and I spent the next 30 minutes telling her that we had hired that man to be there to take care of her and we needed her to stay with him. It got more complicated as she informed us she didn't feel comfortable staying with her ex. (She's bent on the delusion that he left her years ago and just wandered back into the house expecting to live there.)

I could tell you the emotions that run through a person during moments like that, but I'm learning to be strong during these moments now so I did better this time than I would have a year ago.

But afterwards, after we convinced her to stay, after talking to my dad, after spending 2 hours finishing up a vicious game of Star Wars Monopoly with my nephew completely wiping me out, I was able to think past the event to something far greater.

Groanings that cannot be uttered.

When my heart is in such agony that I cannot find the words to say, when my being is so intense on the outcome that I need in a situation, that is when my prayers change to something unintelligible.
And that is what the Holy Spirit does for me. He interceeds for me with groanings that cannot be uttered.

I see it as human and emotional to be so deeply involved in my prayers that I'm unable to form the words, that only an urgent, gut wrenching groan can make it to the surface. Yet, this is how the Holy Spirit interceeds for me.

It was a vivid, though painful reminder of Gods love for me and you.
Oh how He loves us.

All that isn't to say that I wouldn't give anything not to have this lesson. To not learn of Gods love this way. There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have her be ok.

But my God is the such that even in the worst, most sickening moments of my life, He can show me something extraordinary to give me comfort. The same Holy Spirit that interceeds for me so earnestly, interceeds for my mother as well, and for all those people I've scrawled on my little prayer list.

Oh God.

Part 2 changes to grace

The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.

It's a quiet evening, quieter than most. I'm getting ready to drive to Mexico tomorrow to pick up my moms medicine. My thoughts circle that only briefly though as I sit in the quietness listening to the song "Mighty to Save" by Hillsong.

My God is mighty to save.

Take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Savior, he can move a mountain
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever, Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave.

It's a strange sense of broken-ness and disappointment that I feel tonight. I feel absolutely wholly confident in my salvation, knowing full well that for reasons I can't quite comprehend - I am loved and accepted in Jesus Christ.

The broken-ness and disappointment comes from craving holiness so very much and as I dig weeds out of my life I stumble across something so vile and offensive to myself that I can only imagine how God must feel about it.

You see, I've taken verses like the one above about a "good man" and applied them to myself to the point that my heart became proud and I actually thought I was good.
Even now, I instinctively wanted to clarify "not that I'm BAD..." but the truth is -I'm not good.
The Bible even tells me so - "And he (Jesus) said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments. " Matthew 19:17

And I think today, as I struggled against the thought that I wasn't good enough to suit myself, I received the best understanding I've gotten so far concerning my salvation. God loves me. He loves me to such an extent that He's still working on me. He's still creating in me the masterpiece that He alone knows the outcome of. My sins, my filth and failures don't make Him abandon me to my foolishness - He just loves me and keeps working.

I love Him more today than I ever imagined it was possible. I covet Him more with every passing day. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to be a jerk every once in awhile. Because somewhere deep in my heart, surrounded by the radiance that is Christs goodness - is a little portion of Jeanette the Jerk that just hasn't been killed off yet.

I'm waiting on the Lord, I'm trusting in His abilities to kill off the parts of me that are a dishonor to His righteousness. And I'm trying my dead level best to surrender to His work in those areas.
Because He can. He will. Because He loves me.

I wish I could describe it to you better, but His love has made surrender easy. He is all I need.

Somebody's apple

I'm only scratching the surface of this thought, but even with only a scratch this post is written with a smile that can't seem to be tamed.

I unintentionally hurt someones kid this week. And while the kid was a friend, and I'm sorry to have hurt them, their parents are pretty important to me too. And these parents are certainly protective of their kids. Enough so, that, while I don't believe it is going to be a problem, the thought occurred to me that they could be upset with me.

I almost e-mailed them an apology just to cover my bases, and make sure they knew I wasn't oblivious or unconcerned with how my actions impacted their child.

But then I realized something.

I care about what the parents think of how I treat their children.
Do I care about what God thinks of how I treat His children?

So often, I go to God repenting of some sin, because I know it was something He wouldn't have wanted me to do. But I don't remember once ever fearfully and apologetically going to God nervous because I hadn't just done something stupid and wrong, but because I had hurt His child.

And I find that incredible.

And not just because it's a new way to consider my sins before God, but because it puts God more deeply into my mind as a Father who really cares about His kids. It's not just about you being sinful, or unrighteous and unholy. He cares about the fact that your stupid sins hurt people He loves.

And I love that.

I really do.

I've hurt some of Gods children - too many times in my life. Even in the situation that I described earlier, that was Gods child that I disappointed. Gods child.

But here is where the best part of the whole thing comes up.

While I can hurt someone elses kid and make their parents mad at me - I'm Gods kid, and when I hurt His kids He won't toss me out. He will love me because I'm His kid too.
I'm Somebody's kid.

And I really love being His child.

I hope I hang onto this lesson. Because aside from how thankful I am to know that God is protective of me the same way a regular parent would be of their child (except better), I want to remember that when I'm interacting with someone in a less than gracious way, that I'm talking/thinking/being unkind to someone that is of infinite value to Someone I love so very much and don't want disappointed in me.

As I revel in the idea that I'm the apple of Gods eye, and imagine what a beautiful, fully loved place that it is - I need to remember that a lot of other people are in that sweet apple spot too.

Father, help me remember that my perspective is such a shallow one and so very dim compared to what You see. Help me be gracious, and careful always to remember my absolute desire to bring You pleasure even when I am tempted. Don't let me forget. Let me never make You ashamed.

Hear a just cause, O LORD; attend to my cry!
Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit!
From your presence let my vindication come!
Let your eyes behold the right!

You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night,
you have tested me, and you will find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.
With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips
I have avoided the ways of the violent.
My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.

I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words.
Wondrously show your steadfast love,
O Savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.

Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings,
Psalms 17:1-8

I missed church tonight.

I don't go to Wednesday night services anymore. Truth be told, and now that I'm about to move it's probably the only time I could have actually told the truth about this, but I don't go anymore simply because I hate studying about end times.

Yes. Armageddon will happen. Yes, bowls of wrath will be poured out. Yes, 70 weeks, yes 1,000 years, yes 7 bowls and 7 seals and 7 trumpets, 1 harlot and 1 beast, yes and yes.

My dad wrote a book about it, he gives me a new preaching cd every single month about it, the last 10 times I've heard him preach in person were about the end times. He has a standard rule of how the first time he preaches somewhere he will preach his stance on the end times and if he ever gets invited back then he might move on to other topics. With my end-times scholar for a dad we've studied Revelation, Daniel, and Ezekiel chapter by chapter, verse by verse enough times that I stopped counting. It's a lot though. Add into that the supper-time debates on end times (though to be fair we also went back and forth about predestination - ahhh childhood).

I'm absolutely sick of the end times. And for the record, yes, I understand that as a Christian looking forward to Christs return I should be most interested in this information so I too can watch the signs.

And while I'm sick of it, it doesn't mean that it's bad for my church to be studying about it. It's a good thing. Really. But as they go chapter by chapter through Revelation and Ezekiel (I'm not sure where they are at now), I finally just stopped going.

But for some reason, about 10 o'clock tonight it hit me that it was Wednesday. And I suddenly felt deeply deeply sad that I had missed it.

And then I smiled.

While I am still sorry to have missed out, I was very happy to realize that some of that old love for my people and my church was there again and wonderful. I haven't loved them like I should. I knew it. So this sudden regret, this disappointment for missing out, was terrific to experience. I've got two Wednesdays left before the move and I don't have to be disappointed next week.

And I can hardly wait.

He hideth my soul.

With numberless blessings each moment He crowns,
And filled with His fullness divine,
I sing in my rapture, oh, glory to God!
For such a Redeemer as mine.

(He hideth my soul)

Settling things...

This is going to be long, and I may not censor or edit so please consider yourself warned when you read this.

For a little over a month I've been looking into moving to San Antonio with my brother and his family. My brother quickly got a job, and Glenda quickly got an interview, but for the last two weeks that I've actually been putting in applications I haven't had one person call me back. I began wondering if God was opening doors for my brother and his wife but not necessarily for me. So yesterday, I informed them, and God that I was laying down my fleece. If no one called me back by the end of the week I would quit searching, quit trying to move. I would accept His answer on the subject and get over it.

Today, for the first time since this all began, I checked my phone and sure enough, someone was calling about my application.

Back up a little bit to yesterday now - when I informed my brother and Glenda (his wife) that I was waiting on confirmation or I wouldn't actually move - my brother almost immediately called me. He said I was scared and that's all that was holding me back. He called me John the Baptist and in a strange way I'd never considered before about JtheB it was a bad thing. But then today, he e-mailed me something else that really struck home with me. He said that our religious upbringing taught us the opposite of the prosperity gospel. It's the gospel that says "If you really want it, God doesn't want you to have it."

In that I could see the truth. The more I want to move, the more afraid I become that God wouldn't allow it.

Go back a little further to a few weeks ago - I felt impressed to be re-baptized. I understand the living death aspect of being baptized and symbolically being raised as a new creature. The closer I got to actually talking to someone about being re-baptized the harder and harder it got.

You see, despite the fact that I desperately love Christ...
Despite the fact that I truly believe He loves me...

I still expect Him to hurt me.

I told you I don't do relationships very well.

But being baptized at 9 or 10 years old (a.k.a. "a stupid kid") is drastically different from being a 28 yr old person that truly loves Christ making a mature decision to die - daily - and symbolically going out of my way to make a specific declaration of that in front of my church family.

That's why a renewed baptism got harder and harder to think about. Wrong though I mentally know it is, it felt like a fresh committment to being hurt. I know better, but the more I thought about it the harder the idea becomes. Now, my pastor is helping by trying to schedule a time and I'm scared to death. Yet backing out is making a statement that I couldn't stand to make to God.

It's frustrating to see I'm still stuck in that little mental rut. I believe so much good about God. I believe everything I wrote during the 40 days of faith. I really do. And at the same time I'm still waiting for Him to abuse me, to hurt me, to use me.

It's ridiculous.

Today, when the phone call came in just as I'd asked God for, I realized it felt a little easier to think about being re-baptized. And I hated myself for the relief. Committing to give your every decision to Christ's will is one thing when you're afraid He's asking you to give up something - and different when you think He's agreeing with you on something.

It shouldn't matter. But the ease of the knot in my stomach told me it did.
God knows I'm human, but I don't want to be. I want to be like Him.

The futility of denying love.

I'm a bad artist, but at least I can draw a stick figure. I'm a klutzy cook, but at least once in awhile a cake turns out well. I'm a crummy decorator, so uncoordinated that I honestly wear solid colors just because it's easier to match.

But for all those things I'm bad at, I stink exponentially worse at relationships.

But I finally learned something incredible (to me) about relationships and love. And as usual, it started with God and worked it's way outward.

It's something I've discovered with God recently, and I am only recently putting in to my other relationships. The most hurtful thing I constantly tried to say to God last year was "I WON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE." I was angry, frustrated, hurting so badly over all my foster kids. And yet, through it all, He knew I couldn't stop loving Him any more than I could stop breathing on my own. And it's all because the source of my greatest hurt, is also the source of my greatest healing. I find comfort in Him, even when it frustrates the daylights out of me. Even when I'm determined NOT to be comforted by Him.
Now, there's something truly comforting in knowing which people I really love. Because even when I'm frustrated beyond belief, again... I know that nothing could stop me from loving them. It's a bond, a hold that gives me confidence even when I'm angry. Because I understand where my heart is. At the same time, it's also something that I just now realized that I could abuse. As though I could say hurtful things to you, because I know ultimately it will all work out because I love you.

But I see now, during the last year, the most foolish, stupidest thing I ever said was that I would stop loving God. Because if loving was something you could stop, it wouldn't be love. I know it's foolish, and probably something a 28 yr old should have already known. But as I said, I really stink at relationships...

Conversations with God.

It's been an interesting week. Again.

I had an interesting encounter with God last weekend. And it's rippled throughout the week. My first real glimpse of what Alzheimers is going to look like hurt more than I can say. It was unfixable. She hurt, and no medicine, no doctors, no words, no comfort would help it... for the rest of her life.

The very thought overwhelms me - but over the weekend before, it was more than I could hold onto. And believe me when I say, I'm very good at holding onto things. You don't see me cry (except in prayer) you don't see me yell, you don't see me do much *typically* except be quiet, happy or calm. But I just couldn't wrap myself around this sorrow.

I went to God. I seriously went to God. I went to Him more seriously and more intently, than I usually have the capability to do. I went in with unrestrained emotions and I quite simply just hurt all over Him.
And He took it.

This week, in a day of a struggle because my wayward mind kept clinging to a thought that I knew I shouldn't obsess about, I worked hard to discipline my mind. My constant prayer was that my true want would be what God wants, rather than what I want. And He helped me to let it go.

Then today, my pastor asked us all a question "What do you seek?"

I waited, expecting to feel some hypocrisy in my heart as my answer came - "You Lord."
I want Jesus.
You found Him, why are you still seeking Him?
Because I want more of Him.

It was ironic that my pastor mentioned being silent and waiting on God this evening, because that's exactly what I was doing this morning during prayer time - waiting. Sitting quietly and waiting. In the silence the question came to me, "Lord, why did You seek me?"
I pondered quietly what it was that He might have planned that my life would accomplish, what He might be wanting me to do, wondering what He could possibly want from me; when just as clearly as could be, He answered "You."

How great a love is this? That He would seek me, not for what I can do for Him, but for no better reason than loving me?

Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. King David