The church I went to Sunday...

***Keep in mind while you read this that I believe I am entirely responsible for my actions and my worship. Regardless of what you do or how you do it, I will still answer for what I do and how I do it. I'm not putting everything off on the church because, well, a lot of people went to the same church I did Sunday and didn't have the same experience I did.***

***PS, for those that don't know - I'm Pentecostal. If you're not pentecostal or believe in the filling of the Holy Spirit with speaking in tongues then this post might seem... odd to you. You might even worry that I was disruptive. Don't worry. I worried about that enough for the entire world. But, in a Spirit Filled church, my actions should have been considered nothing out of the ordinary.***

Dear churches,

I had an amazing time during the worship service this past Sunday.
And I want to tell you some of the things that helped. I’m not saying that you have to do these things, I’m not saying you’re wrong not to do these things, and I’m not saying… anything… except that all these things combined with the presence of the Holy Spirit and my willingness to step out of my pew created an amazing experience.

The church I went to Sunday put the song on the wall. My hands weren’t full of papers, or books. All I had to do was look up. I can’t raise my hands if my hands are full cause I’d look real silly.

The church I went to Sunday sang hymns off the wall but didn't feel required to sing each verse.

The church I went to Sunday sang choruses off the wall.

The church I went to Sunday repeated choruses and the choruses of hymns as they felt the Spirit of God lead them.

The church I went to Sunday, quite obviously, attempted to have a time of worship, rather than a “song service” (please tell me you see the difference?)

I walked from my little hidey-hole at the back of the church to the front of the church – directly in front of the stinking platform (but off to the side as much as I could convince God was ok) and I worshipped there. I’d say I sang there, but I didn’t sing much. I shook. I spoke in tongues. I spoke praises to God and every once in awhile if I could get my breath - I sang.

The only thing that I cared about at that exact moment was worship. Not singing. And that’s because the person leading the singing, well, he was worshipping too. He just had to sing more of his worship than I did.

So dear churches, you do whatever you like. I don’t even mean anything positive or negative for you. I’m just telling you how I worship. If you want me to sing, by all means sing. But if you want me to worship, then don’t just sing a song.

But I will tell you this; I’ve never come back from singing a song service awestruck. I left that service wanting more. I left that service hoping for the same experience if not a greater one next Sunday. I left there longing for more of God.

Dear Pastors

Please know that I started this post quite sincerely with the words "Dear" Pastors. Regardless of whether I enjoy your services or not, I hope you understand that something inside me so deeply respects your title and your calling, that you are "dear" people.

But there are a few things in general that concern me about all of you, and I hope to politely, and respectfully address them.

I didn't come to church for a sermon.

I came to worship Christ, and learn of Him and how to walk more closely with Him.
I come, because like a personal trainer, you say the words that remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing and how much deeper there is to go than where I'm at.
I come because often, Christs presence is manifested and that just amazes me. But it's beyond disappointing to have you take a moment when we should be waiting quietly on the Lord, and since nothing happened for 2 minutes you move us on to give your sermon.

And speaking on that sermon... I expect you to speak of Christ. Christ crucified, and how that impacts my life today. I expect you to verbally challenge not only the dross, but the silver in my life - anything that takes away from the gold purity of the perfect life of Christ living in me.

I expect you to explore concepts of the Bible that have come to you through careful study of the Word. Because, of all the programs in your church that require your attention, few are quite as important as gathering the food with which you must "feed His sheep". Because if you are a pastor, of a church, then I assume that was your calling. Feeding.

I'm responsible for feeding myself. But I've got to tell you, nothing is quite as wonderful as having someone preach Christ, and Christ crucified, and who is willing to preach Jeanette crucified as well. Because regardless of the fact that I write a Christian blog, who cares that I've spent 29 years listening to sermons and I should know all these things - I still need to have you remind me that I'm supposed to be dead, and Christ is supposed to be living in me. I need to be reminded that I'm supposed to do EVERYTHING as unto the Lord. And not just the few items that I deem to be "Spiritual". I just need a lot of reminders.

To go a little further than that - I need you to preach this gospel without apology or the considerate way people have of saying "I know it's hard, but you really should." I need you to stand up, firmly, and say this is the way walk ye in it. Period. No mollycoddling. No sympathy for how much I might not want to commit to memorizing scripture or giving up my hobby horses that consume my time and thoughts and emotions.

And I need you to do it yourself too.

Be anxious for nothing.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

The preacher stopped in the middle of his sermon today about God being the Alpha and Omega and he said he felt God wanted him to say something to someone: "Be anxious for nothing, the Bible doesn't say 'be anxious for some things' but be anxious for nothing. I feel there is someone here holding onto a burden and God wants me to tell you "Don't worry"

He also said "God is large and in charge" but I think it takes away from the moment. ;)

He then carried on with his sermon and his original 4 points to make, but those words stayed with me. I've said I trusted God and I do, but I've got a burden that I've been trying to carry myself rather than just leaving the entire event in Gods hands.

This afternoon, I feel lighter than I have in months. And I can honestly say the burden has been cast onto God. And I've left it there. Sure, I may pick it up again - I tend to do things like that - but for this moment the peace of God that passeth all understanding is keeping my heart and my mind through Christ Jesus.

And I'm enjoying it.

I've got a house that I purchased for myself but ended up renting out when I moved down here. My tenants are moving out this month - something that could hurt me financially if I don't get another (hopefully good) tenant quickly.
And I've got plans, Gods plans, to be a foster parent again. An endeavor that I know from experience is very expensive.

Both of these things have weighed on my mind as I wondered how I was going to do all the things I needed to do. But as the preacher said the words "Be anxious for nothing" it was truly as if God Himself turned to me and said "Jeanette, be anxious for nothing." And I believed Him. Suddenly the question became "How is God going to have me do all these things He's got planned?"

The problem became Gods almost as if the pastors words were the "open sesame" to my freedom. I don't know the hows, and the whats. But for tonight, I'm resting in peace that goes beyond my ability to understand and I'm just trusting God. And I know I've said that before, but during those letters I wrote to my friends, and during those blog posts, I was still tense and nervous about how I was going to do it with God helping me.

God has officially reversed the roles and I'm helping Him now.
So friends, truly, if God says be anxious for nothing... He means be anxious for nothing. So try it.

What if He's there?

I drove 333 miles to go to my parents and help them in their moving progress. Sunday though, I deserted them both and went to my old church to worship God and see many old friends and family.

But one of the two most important ones wasn't there. When I asked, I was told "When I left the house she was planning on coming."

I'm a doubtful person, so my immediate assumption was that she'd found out I was coming and didn't show up. I'd even tried to keep my visit a secret just to prevent that since several of my other visits have been an occasion for her to miss as well.

But simply because I over think things, I wondered to myself - "Maybe, just maybe, whatever stopped her from coming was something small and if you hadn't have been so stubborn and told her you were coming she would have come if she'd known you'd be there."

I don't think so.

But the minute that thought struck me, I was almost floored by another idea.

Why on earth would someone make an extra effort to come to church because I might be there, when the whole premise of church is that GOD is there.

In the Bible times, when someone knew Jesus was somewhere, they didn't stay home if they were sick, they went to Jesus because they were sick. They drug their sick friends and family, did without food, walked days and days just to be where Jesus could teach them. Could touch them.

Yet one of the kids gets a fever and the whole family stays home to wipe his nose.

What if He was there?

What if you walked into church on Sunday morning, with your sick child, spouse, self and said "I'm going to find the hem of His robe to touch today. I don't know what it will look like in todays circumstances, but I'm sure going to find it."

He promised that if two or three were gathered in His name, He would be there. So He came to church last Sunday. And I foolishly wondered if someone might have come if they'd have known I was there.

I think you'll disrupt the service if you go expecting something from God. If you walk in and say WAIT, I didn't get a blessing, I didn't get my healing, I didn't get a touch - LET ME THROUGH because He's here, and I'm here sick/tired/hurting, so He's not done here yet!

But I think it's high time our church services got disrupted by someone actually expecting Jesus to show up.

Growing...

I don't know what someone else would get from this... but I just have to write this to document what God is doing in me.

Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.

Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.

No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".

Go.

God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.

Go.

God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.

And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."

And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.

Get me there God, somehow.

And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.

I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.

God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.

As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:

HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)

Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence

Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed

Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

The Parable of the Mashed Potatoes

There once was a man making mashed potatoes, he diced potatoes and put them into a pot to boil on the stove so the potatoes would be tender and easily mashed.
But instead of watching over the pot, and diligently checking the pot, he left the pot and carried out other duties.
When the man returned to the pot, the water had boiled away greatly and there was not enough mashed potatoes remaining in the pot to feed his family.

I heard this story, and put it into this crazy parable because for some reason I began thinking about Christians and the "earthly meaning" to this story. I began to wonder if Christians today aren't very much like this sad little potatoes.

We easily create Christians, people who accept that Jesus died for their sins and will attend church. But then, instead of watching them, tending them, we leave them to grow and change while we carry out our other duties.
Only, a few years later there are less Christians still faithful to the church than what you originally got saved, and what you do have left is slowly drying and fixing itself so firmly to the pot (aka the Church) that it can no longer be taken out of the church to be useful.

When Jesus chose His followers, He put upon Himself a vested interested in their teaching. He told everyone parables, He explained the parables to His people.
He taught and prayed with everyone, He asked His disciples to pray with Him.

Can you think of more examples of how His disciples were set apart from the crowd in their teaching experiences by Jesus?

I think that too much in the churches today falls on the pastor. We all tend to become like potatoes stuck to the pot, and none of us apparently know how to cook for ourselves. Or how to begin the cooking process in someone else - and complete it.

I believe more people in the church need to step up and stop waiting for someone else to cook the potatoes disciple new believers coming into the church. Leaders, Mature Christians, all should be reaching out to the new believers and leading them.

I believe in a church hierarchy. I believe it is something that becomes an obvious need - much like Moses complaining to his father-in-law Jethro that the people always have needs all the time. Jethro outlines putting people in charge of groups of tens, hundreds, thousands, and Moses leads those leaders.

It's how you keep your pastor, your pastor. Otherwise, he's just a man running his tail off trying to be everything to everyone. And he can't. So guess what happens then?
His family suffers
His prayer time suffers.
His time of Bible study suffers.
Until finally, he's so busy being a pastor that he's not one anymore.

So all you fellow mashed potatoes believers, step up. Disciple someone even through you're frightened by the prospect. Talk to your pastor about how to begin if you're nervous, talk to your small group leaders, talk to any leader in your church to ask their advice and uhum.. leadership on the issue. Then do it.

Someone needs to be tending the potatoes, getting them out of the pot, and ready to cook some potatoes themselves.

I love this parable. :)

Worship!

Unrelated to anything except excitement about things seen and done today.

We went to a church this morning (New Life Fellowship) that had an absolutely positively outstanding worship service. The songs were all new to me so I didn't know the words at all, but from the very first beat something in me just jumped up and said "YES". I was in a crowd that was worshipping and worshipping openly.

Several people began just moving to the front of the church or out of their pews to worship God from the open area between platform and chairs. One woman was actually dancing in the Spirit and it's been a very very long time since I have seen that.

People were even dressed up for church, but it was obviously not a legalistic church issue since a good percentage (including the pastor) didn't dress up. I know, I know, people think it's not supposed to matter and yes, I've been lax myself sometimes as well, but it's awfully nice to see people dressed as though they were going someplace important. (Not that I don't understand extenuating circumstances, but I'm pretty sure there aren't any extenuating circumstances that involve showing up in shorts and flip flops.)

Feel free to comment your disagreement, I completely understand your point - God cares about the inside not the outside. Got that. I even agree.

The sermon was almost the exact opposite of the wonderful awesomeness of the worship service. And apparently I didn't mask it well, because half-way through the sermon a note was passed down to me "Jeanette has a big frown on her face." (It's not nice to make people laugh during church.) :)

But I find it amazing how easily the devil can tell you something that is close to true, but not. Not at all true. It's worrisome.

People tend to listen without thinking more often than not. We're a television society; listen, laugh, say amen, shake the pastors hand. If the pastor got excited, he must have done a good job so you tell yourself it was a good sermon, it was a right sermon, it was truth - because why on earth wouldn't your pastor tell you the truth about the Gospel and the ways of salvation, or how to walk uprightly? Why on earth would a pastor lie about that?

So you say amen, and walk out the door thinking how great it is that you don't have to worry about sin. In fact, if the subject of sin comes up, it's probably of the devil so instead of agreeing with the devil that there is sin in your life you should just praise God for the good stuff.

And that's the easiest path in the world... to hell.


Preachers, please preach the gospel. Please tell your people how they can grow. Please tell them not to be lax concerning their intent to grow closer to God, to learn the deeper ways of faith, to be willing to accept Gods challenge for them to walk in new paths and trust God to teach them as they go. Covet God yourself, spending time praying, praying in the Spirit, and reading your Bible. (And I believe I wrote those in order of importance - feel free to comment your opinion on that, I'd like to hear it.) But grow as well, talk about growing and learning and hungering and being filled so often they start to covet it as well.

If your people have been drinking milk for 10 years, there is a reason - they've rejected meat or no one has ever given it to them, and they were too lazy to seek it out themselves. But milk is not proper sustenance for a mature Christian. They need more. Search the depths of the Bible, as you grow you will be able to find more meat. It will always happen.


God is good. I'm energized and joyful over todays worship service. It could have lasted longer, sang 20 more songs, and I would have been content. Worship is a beautiful, awesome, powerful thing. Incredible. Simply incredible.

Worship Him- faith will grow, for love He will show when we steadfastly worship Him.
Our God is an awesome God.

Michael W. Smith, Alzheimers and Hebrews 3.

It's been an incredible day.

The whole family piled into the car and trooped over to the AT&T center here in San Antonio where "church" was produced by Michael W. Smith and Max Lucado. Amazing worship service...incredible atmosphere worshipping with 14,000 other people. Amazing. MWS looked very tired.

After the trauma of yesterdays events I called my parents to see if today was going better, only to find out it most definitely wasn't. My mother, mild mannered and always smiling spent the morning screaming at her ex-husband for leaving her (he's not her ex-husband, she's just delusional during these times), threatened to kill him - including looking for his gun and threatening to cut him to pieces with a knife. She did calm down slightly while she waited for the police to arrive. That's right, she called the cops on him.

Besides deflecting the things Mrs. Hyde was throwing at him, he also got to prove to the police that he was supposed to be there, and the cars that he wouldn't allow her to drive belonged to him.

He's very tired. And we're questioning whether Namenda is actually part of the cause of her new-found violent streak. If you pray for him, or us, pray we use wisdom in making medicinal decisions for her.

I've spent a lot of time just sitting quietly before God today. I haven't the faintest idea what to say and I'm struggling with putting mom out of my mind while I worship. God deserves better than my distraction, and He also deserves for my worship to be focused on Him rather than a constant cry of "please make this better." My mind is full tonight.

That did not stop God from continuing the work He had begun in me recently. He's pushing me to watch my words, to not criticize or complain, but He's also pushing me to begin encouraging others. It's ironic how much easier it is for me to stop one bad habit than it is to start another one. I can stop complaining a lot easier than I can begin encouraging others.

Ironically enough, the pastors message tonight was about our words (surprise, surprise) and how our words are like seeds and they produce after their own kind. If I plant words of encouragement and affirmation, I will reap such - if I reap frustration and complaints, I can tell I have not planted the right seeds.

I sat down tonight to eat supper and pulled out my Bible to read as I ate, and I felt pushed to go to Hebrews chapter 3:8. I read the corresponding passage that ended up from Hebrews 3:7-14

7Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,
"Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
on the day of testing in the wilderness,
9where your fathers put me to the test
and saw my works for forty years.
10Therefore I was provoked with that generation,and said, 'They always go astray in their heart; they have not known my ways.'11 As I swore in my wrath, 'They shall not enter my rest.'"
12Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.

Reading it now, I wonder why the thought occurred to me before, but it seemed as obvious as the nose on my face that exhorting others would help ME not be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
It doesn't seem to read that way now that I'm looking at it though, but I'm still holding onto my original interpretation of it simply because I know my own heart. I know the reason that I struggle with encouraging other people is simply because of deceitful sin in my heart. You might not understand, and it might not be something you struggle with, but it's right there smack dab in the middle of my heart. It's one of the few things I can actually say I "wrestle" with. I can feel it rising in me when I try to encourage someone, but God is working on me.

So, until God finishes working this in me you may be seeing me on this topic again soon.
But I want to explain something about why this post is so... odd. Why do I include the days events, the struggle with my mothers alzheimers along with the words of Hebrews 3?

I have an answer, and it is in bold because I want you to read it, and then go back and read it again firmly to yourself.

God does not stop teaching you in the bad times. God doesn't sway all of your teaching and learning to revolve around a hard time you are facing. He expects you to trust Him with that situation and yet still continue to grow and seek Him. Your relationship with Christ isn't about what situations you face or whether you are happy, sad, mourning, or joyful.
It is for all of those times.
And beyond.

Freecycle - New Friends - Churches.

I had a good day today. I went to a terrific church service thanks to the invitation of my new friend (and regular anonymous commenter), Destiny. Freedom was a great church and I look forward to visiting again soon.

Amazingly enough we met through Freecycle, a program where people offer things they no longer use/need so that they can be reused rather than filling up our landfills with more "stuff". Destiny responded to one of my posts and, in what is normally a very brief exchange of information where one person tells the other where/when to pick it up and the other one replies "Ok, thanks!" we somehow began talking about the Holy Spirit and Christianity.

I've talked before about how the steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord - well one day several weeks ago I had at least 15 responses asking for the item I was offering on freecycle. I did not pick the first person who asked, but after reading each persons e-mail I selected one of them. I selected Destiny.

And because of that decision, and the subsequent conversations, I now have a church that, while it may not necessarily become home, it's a place I know I will be attending until such time as God leads me to someplace else.

All because I posted on freecycle.

There is more to this post, but I'm not going to try to write it tonight, but will finish it later. This is one of my few 2 parters.
Stay tuned.

God is on your side.

Instantly, as I typed the title of this post, the traditional religious remark came to mind "God doesn't need to be on your side, YOU need to be on GODS side."
And I'm remembering a recent post someone wrote about how Christians too often think God has done something for them when in actuality God does nothing except for His own glory.

And while initially, arguments like that resonate with me and I tend to agree - I have seen a pattern of things in my life where I was the only one who knew what God did. So the glory He would have received from it would have only come from me. But that means the only reason God does nice things for me is so that I will glorify Him.

That speaks a lot about motivation. He didn't do it because He loved, but because He would be glorified.

I'm horrible about arguing spiritual points simply because someone who has actually studied scripture (as opposed to my read-and-think method) usually knocks my arguments over with verse after verse. And here I sit with only John 3:16.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

His motivations are spoken of in that verse. It's typical cause and effect. Because God loved us He sent His Son.
Perhaps I get caught away with an overly emotional view of God but, I can't help but believe that God loves us first, and an effect of that is glory.

All that to tell this story.

I went to a church program this morning. They were giving out school supplies so my sister-in-law and I took the kids by at the invitation of a lady we'd met in the supermarket the night before.
2 hours later, we'd stood waiting, while they blared incredible loud hip hop music through the speakers. We'd watched kids take the stage and do "Dance offs", play multiple rounds of "Let's make a deal", and a fashion show. We'd been subjected to a barrage of sales people - State Farm, Allstate, two different home health agencies, credit card applications, jewelry sales, and 2 different entities wanting to take the kids fingerprints.
I saw a world around me that, while some may have known God, I knew many of them probably didn't - and here, trapped in this large auditorium with an incredible opportunity to tell them of Gods love, they didn't. After 2 hours of waiting, (because they only passed out the school supplies twice an hour to the first 15 people in line) we left mid-fashion show.

I walked away disappointed. Where was God in all this? I was hurt, and more than a little tired because I've been bearing the standard "There ARE Christians, true, God-seeking Christians here in this town." and while I have found them, there are just so many other examples of what Christianity shouldn't be here that it's overwhelming.

I came home, snapped at my family, and told them to go on their plans for the afternoons outing without me. Then, I found my quiet place and tearfully asked God "Where is Your Church?"
I could think of no other question than that. I was angry, disappointed, hurt, tired, frustrated, and a few more synonyms for "upset" that I can't think about right now.

An hour later, my family left on their plans.
30 minutes after that a pastor showed up at my door.
He, and his congregant, wanted to thank us for coming to his church last week and talk to us.
They both sat and talked about biblical things with me for an hour.
I was sorry to see them go.

I believe God had a special timing for that visit, maybe nothing about our unplanned and certainly impromptu stop at their church last week was supposed to mean anything for anyone else but I believe God knew I could use some one to talk to today.
And I think He did it just because He really truly loves me and cares about my needs.
And that's why I wanted to write this - to give Him glory.

God is NOT a hobby.

This morning before church I was in our little room playing the piano, I was playing various worship songs and choruses when something came up and I stopped playing to talk to someone about trash.

Literally, trash.
Someone taking out the trash and the duties assigned with it.

Then I carried on playing my worship songs.

Some little thought niggled at me, but I didn't stop to think it out. It was about time to finish getting ready to go so after a bit I just stopped playing and got ready.
~~~~~~~~~~

We tried a new church today. Christian Family Church. They had a 9am service and an 11am service and since my brother is throwing a paper route in the middle of the night we let him sleep late so we could go to the 11 o'clock service.

As we got to the church the 9am folks are leaving. I was a little disturbed to see people in shorts, jeans, t-shirts, some walking by chatting on cell phones and holding their coffee cups.
I was trying to shrug that off as I went in to where the worship service has already started, and I was trying desperately to enter in and worship, worship but I notice I'm having difficulty tuning out all the distractions around me. People are walking around, talking, chatting... I remind myself to focus... the ushers are constantly walking up and down the aisles... focus... the people two aisles up are talking and laughing with each other... focus... someone pushes in a stroller with an icee...

That was my undoing.

I wasn't sure if it was right or not (I am still not sure), but suddenly I just couldn't sing. I did not want my voice mingled in with theirs. Even when they settled down a little bit towards the end and the singing seemed more focused I just kept thinking over and over again "lukewarm... lukewarm...lukewarm...." I didn't want to be a part of anything that God would want to spit out with distaste.

I could have been entirely wrong for feeling this way. But my entire being was wishing they would stop singing.
I couldn't stop the tears from falling down my face. It hurt. I didn't want God treated badly, disrespected, treated so haphazardly. And I felt He was.

It was during this, that God reminded me of my morning activities. I was playing words such as "worthy is the Lamb seated on the throne. We crown You now with many crowns.."
Then talking about trash.
Then returned to "I worship You almighty God, there is none like You..."

... I was ashamed of myself.

But I was thankful for the new understanding of reverence and holiness in my life.
When I stop what I'm doing and I begin doing something unto God, whether singing a song or playing the piano, praying, I need to remember that what I'm doing during that moment is the most important thing I'm doing. Because God is worthy of it.

God is HOLY. And as such, when I offer Him something then in respect to that Holiness I need to make sure that I don't allow anything else to become more important or intrude. It broke my heart today to know that I had done that to Him. To know that something that was repulsing me so much, had been in my own heart.

It's kind of like finding a polluted sewage pond, and running from it, only to discover that your drinking water comes from said pond.

I've been seeking God for holiness, righteousness, that I would walk uprightly in as pure a way as He can create in me. So this painful revelation today was special to me, and I count it as an answer to prayer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

The church was still awful. We sat through a 10 minute sermon on why you should tithe (which I certainly agree with) before the pastor finally came on and literally unveiled a giant HDTV (and when I say giant, I'm telling you it was over 10 foot tall) and he did this so he could discuss the new sign they were buying. A big HDTV sign, 30' by 25'. (Obviously, the reason they need you faithful in your tithes.)
We spent 10 minutes listening to him talk about the glory of the sign when I passed the note begging that we could go. We walked out.

Ironically enough, they introduced the idea with the scripture saying we should into to all the world and make disciples, and how 70% of their visitors came from friends and family referrals and only 7% came from their billboard.
They actually claimed that now, all of their traffic would come from the new sign.
*snide comment not added here, but trust me when I say it's hard not to say it*

Please pray for us as we look for a church home here. I'm okay with going to church after church, (though it's certainly not my preference) but I'm not interested in going to churches that don't worship God with reverence and sincerity. I'm praying for wisdom, and a finely tuned ear to the direction God may want us to go.

Meanwhile, my lesson in Holiness today tells me that God is not my hobby. And must not be treated as such. When I sit down to enjoy a moment with Him, it's not the same as playing with a postage stamp collection, or some scrapbook endeavor. Instantly, an ordinary moment of an ordinary day is completely transformed into a moment when you, simple ordinary you, arrest attention from the Almighty King of all Kings.

It's important.
It's also important to remember that God can teach you something even in the worst and most dreadful of circumstances. Problems and bad events in your life are not for no reason whatsoever. They are there for a purpose and a season and God will use it for your benefit.
Always and forever.

Life is a lot more distracting...

That's why I haven't blogged much lately. I'm here, I'm able to blog, but there's so much activity that it's hard to find that quiet spot in my head. I miss that quiet spot in my head.
But around here, if you're AWOL, the kids immediately search you out in case you're doing something interesting.
I don't mind though - I want to make sure that is clear. I'm glad of it... case in point - I was just interrupted by my nephew who just stopped in to give me a hug. He was followed almost immediately by my niece who wanted to invite me to come see a movie that "you probably wouldn't like". Her words not mine.

But I did find myself at church on Sunday. Both services were really very good. The best part of it was Sunday mornings service in which the pastor taught on "atmosphere". What kind of atmosphere do you create? And in it I felt the freedom to not worry about being cheerful. To always have faith and to always rejoice in my God. With the few obvious exceptions where meeting people where they're at is required.

But, I won't mourn with you without faith. If I sit down and cry with you, it will be for a world of reasons but not with doubt that my God will supply all my needs. I won't doubt with you. And I also won't pout with you.

It's funny how on some days your faith feels invincible isn't it?

Right now, the two that were worried so much about money and work have both got jobs. In fact, one of them has two full time jobs he can pick and choose from.

And the incessantly cheerful person hasn't even gotten a phone call. It's interesting. Maybe I should worry more since it seems to produce results.

Instead, I just keep waiting. Something is going to happen... I just don't know what or when. It's certainly keeping me praying because I'd hate to miss it.

God is good. Really, truly, deep down, bone saturating good.




Even when He leaves you hanging.

The angry post.

**Disclaimer, I am officially ranting at myself. I will be broad and generalize in some areas because if this hits you too then I am very thankful. If I mention something that you specifically are doing then I assure you I am not trying to hit you, but it's because I'm trying to think of examples and that is one. You can be a perfectly good Christian and do whatever you're doing that I use as an example I'm sure. So please know, this is a rant specifically aimed at myself because I need to hear it and no one else will say it to me. And yes, I am angry.**



STOP.

Just stop with all the petty excuses, stop with all the flowery words and religious mumbo jumbo talk. The blogging world doesn't need to hear it, your co-workers don't need to hear it, your church family doesn't need to hear it. Just stop PLEASE.

Now repent.

Your one and only number one priority is to be a Christian.
It's not to be a good daughter, good wife, good friend, good employee.

You are to be a Christian.

So when you make some stupid thing, more important than chasing after the holiness and righteousness of God - then you are shallow. The world doesn't need any more shallow Christians. The world needs a Christian, YOU, to be spending time in Gods Word, and in PRAYER (not just the prayers you pray while doing your household chores but undivided attention, focused, heart-rendered PRAYER). EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I don't mean 15 minutes a day.

DO YOU GET THAT?

15 minutes a day?

Are you really going to change the world by spending 15 minutes with God a day?

Clean laundry is NOT more important than your time digging into Gods word and praying EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Your kids t-ball game? NOT MORE IMPORTANT. And if your kids t-ball game is going to interfere with that time with God, guess what - T-ball needs to be unenrolled from. Oh, and if that t-ball game keeps you from church then you never should have enrolled in the first place.

MY JOB is not to make sure that my niece and nephew knows their Aunt Net loves them. *And it hurts a little bit just to write that out. MY JOB is to seek GOD with all my HEART, and with all my SOUL, and with all my MIGHT. And I'M NOT DOING THAT.

There are many around me weak and sick because I've made TRASH more important than that purposeful EVERY SINGLE DAY time with God. I'm not tapped into power that I should be tapped into, because I haven't paid the cost, I haven't sought the LORD with all my MIGHT.

I want to be a Christian. But I DO NOT want to be like the Christians I know. Because we are all weak and foolish. We have L O S T what our purpose is as a child of God, and became mediocre respectable clones of what "Good Christian Folk" should look like.

Church is not to be a place where respectable people come to act respectably. Church is where children of God show up to confess their faults to each other, to provoke each other to good works, to pray for one another. And that's why I should never have dared to miss. Because I'm not supposed to have gone for what I can get, but because I have a responsibility to my church family to be there to do those things for them as well.

So when I skipped church because I was SICK. I was insane.

Because that is where the collective power of healing prayer should be the strongest.

I confess, IT'S NOT. But it's HIGH TIME that I started expecting things of the church people. It's high time I showed up sick, and vomiting and walked in expecting these people to have BEEN IN TOUCH WITH GOD during the week so that the prayer of faith can save the sick.

It's time, no, it's PAST TIME I came in to church expecting something, reached out for something and was bitterly and vocally disappointed if I didn't get it, and maybe even refused to leave until I did. But I don't have a single right to complain if I've allowed work, or packing, or painting, or whatever to come between me and MY EVERY DAY TIME WITH GOD.

It's high time I unpacked God from His simple place in everything that I do and said HE MUST HAVE DEVOTED TIME EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And that's all there is to it. Christians are weak, and pathetic compared to what God would have us be. I am weak, and pathetic compared to what God would have me be. And it's all because I've let other things be and s t a y more important. DEAR GOD I'M SORRY!

What have I done? How dare I have spent all this time blogging... over a 1000 posts, talking about God but, too busy blogging to give Him REAL time so that He can work in me what HE WILLS. Oh GOD be merciful to me a foolish child!

The problem, I so often tell myself, is that I just don't have enough time, or that I'm tired. And the absolute truth of the matter is that whatever else I did that day, whether it's dishes, laundry, family time, or even volunteer work was allowed to be more important than God to me. I can excuse it away, I can say it's not so, but that's simply not true. And so whatever I'm doing that's keeping me from that time needs to be cut out from me.

And here's the clincher - I probably don't want to let it go.

That's why it's been there for God knows how long preventing me from spending GOOD SOLID AMOUNTS OF TIME in Gods word, and in earnest prayer each day.

Which, with this revelation, leaves me at an impasse: Do I let it go? Or do I put God second?

And if I put God second to whatever it is, that tells me I have made it an idol in my heart. And God is clearly a jealous God who covets every last bit of me. And for the record, carrying on and not changing IS a choice in itself. And a slap directly into the face of God. It's SIN.

............

The problem isn't that I fill my time with sins. I can fill it with so many good works. But God wants me to seek Him, seek Him FIRST and FOREMOST, and then He will add things to me that I might be working to add to myself right now (to the exclusion of God).

Christianity has to be the simplest thing in the world.

Love God, seek God FIRST.

It's only complicated because to put God first, whatever is first now has to move. And that's a struggle of the highest degree.

God help me die. Please God help me die to myself. I don't want to be a halfway Christian. I don't want to live a life for myself with You simply a part of it rather than the whole of it. Because that's what I'm doing now. And it shouldn't be that way. I can sing the song about You burning away sin and dross, but when I do I'm always talking about sin. Dross is defined as "waste, base, inferior" and that's what everything is compared to You.
Yet I spend more time reading blogs than Your word. I spent more time checking and responding to e-mails than praying. I spend entire weekends deeply focused on my niece and nephew, yet You gets 2.5hrs Sunday morning and 1hr Sunday night and the random worship evening in my home. I'm sorry God. So sorry. This life, I get that it needs to be all consuming. But also, when You consume it I won't have lost everything. Everything would be consumed right along with me. I wouldn't lose. I would only win. But, dying is hard to do that's why I need help.

I want more of You Lord, You must increase and I must decrease.

Please God, HELP!

Consolation prizes.

So at church today, I was given a little send off. I got a plaque, the kids and I all got t-shirts, though best of all we were prayed for.
On my way back to my seat I made some stupid joke about how I'd been to church and gotten the t-shirt (been there, done that, got the t-shirt)...but I realized something.

While the gifts were sweet, (I'm wearing the t-shirt now, and the plaque really is beautiful) and while I really do understand the gesture, they felt like parting gifts.

We've all seen the losers on Family Feud go home with the play-at-home game, while the winners leave with $12,682 in cash and prizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Parting gifts are supposed to be a consolation prize. It's a way of saying "We're sorry you didn't win, but you won't leave with nothing here, take this lovely parting gift."




Every church I've been to holds the strangest collection of people you'll ever meet. And while there are usually some that I'm sorry to have known - and it's a miracle that I can say this - but... this church holds none of them. They were all right there, at the perfect time in my life for me to meet them. And I learned so much.

From Sister Duncan, I was given the opportunity to play for my mother. No, she's not my mother, but she sings all my mothers songs. Mom has alzheimers and has officially quit singing - so every time I got to play for her was a special treasure. Thank you.

From Sister Norma I learned about poise and grace. I wish I were half the woman she is - and yet she's the one thing my boisterous heart will probably never grow up to be. I'd swear she's regal. When she speaks, I listen. Because what she says is important. I'll never forget that kind of graciousness.

From Brother Grover I learned to appreciate that someone would walk all the way across the building just to hug me. He's a man that accepts people. And he somehow does it in a way that doesn't make you feel like he's accepting you despite something.
From him and his wife I was honored to watch a really beautiful marriage. While I'm sure it may have it's difficulties, I never once saw them. It is pleasant to watch.

From Johnny I learned the peaceful openness of sharing your past and your progress. He came to church one day not even all that long ago and found something of value and did not keep it to himself. Two people accepted Christ today because of that. He put me to shame. I'm so proud.

From Sister Moselle (yeah, I probably spelled her name wrong) she taught me the most incredible lesson on worship as she led us so many times with tears running down her face.

From another that I won't name, I learned forgiveness. I learned the hard way, but I did learn it. And I certainly didn't deserve it.

From Sister Cherry, I learned bull-headed determination. I know few people that deserve to sit down and cry as much as she does. And yet she rarely does. And when she does cry, she still just gets up, deals with her family and goes back to work. I'm impressed and overwhelmed by her at the same time. She's strong. The idea that she disapproves of my move eats me up. Her opinion is important. I doubt she realizes it. Only the changes wrought by the last 3 years are what allow me to not be ashamed or doubt my decisions just because of her approval.

From David and Liberty I learned something about what I can only briefly call "in-your-face-edness". These are the people who say they care about you, and yet don't stay in touch, yet somehow they are so bold in their care of you that you know that if you ever needed them, you could call them and they'd drain the river to get to you if necessary. They're over the top.

There are others I haven't listed still that have given so much to me.

And that's why, this morning, clutching my plaque and t-shirt I wondered why I was holding parting gifts. Didn't they know I'd won? Didn't they see the prizes, and the valuables I was walking away with today? Didn't they see I'd gained so much?

And so, probably for the first time ever, I wish they could read my blog. Every last one of them. I'd tack this post to the door of the church if I thought they would all see it. I wish they could hear my heart yelling "I WON!" And I wish they knew how they were responsible for so much of it. I wish they could see the change in my heart from 3 years ago. I wish they could see how grateful I am that they allowed me to play their piano, to teach their children, to talk to them, to sit under their teaching, and even the privilege to sit next to them as they talked to one another.

I won.

I missed church tonight.

I don't go to Wednesday night services anymore. Truth be told, and now that I'm about to move it's probably the only time I could have actually told the truth about this, but I don't go anymore simply because I hate studying about end times.

Yes. Armageddon will happen. Yes, bowls of wrath will be poured out. Yes, 70 weeks, yes 1,000 years, yes 7 bowls and 7 seals and 7 trumpets, 1 harlot and 1 beast, yes and yes.

My dad wrote a book about it, he gives me a new preaching cd every single month about it, the last 10 times I've heard him preach in person were about the end times. He has a standard rule of how the first time he preaches somewhere he will preach his stance on the end times and if he ever gets invited back then he might move on to other topics. With my end-times scholar for a dad we've studied Revelation, Daniel, and Ezekiel chapter by chapter, verse by verse enough times that I stopped counting. It's a lot though. Add into that the supper-time debates on end times (though to be fair we also went back and forth about predestination - ahhh childhood).

I'm absolutely sick of the end times. And for the record, yes, I understand that as a Christian looking forward to Christs return I should be most interested in this information so I too can watch the signs.

And while I'm sick of it, it doesn't mean that it's bad for my church to be studying about it. It's a good thing. Really. But as they go chapter by chapter through Revelation and Ezekiel (I'm not sure where they are at now), I finally just stopped going.

But for some reason, about 10 o'clock tonight it hit me that it was Wednesday. And I suddenly felt deeply deeply sad that I had missed it.

And then I smiled.

While I am still sorry to have missed out, I was very happy to realize that some of that old love for my people and my church was there again and wonderful. I haven't loved them like I should. I knew it. So this sudden regret, this disappointment for missing out, was terrific to experience. I've got two Wednesdays left before the move and I don't have to be disappointed next week.

And I can hardly wait.

Stepford Christianity

It's ironically nutty, but I really enjoy talking to my dad about church.

He rants about us young people not holding anything in reverence, not dressing right, not talking right, not treating the church (building) the way it should be treated, we don't sing right either.
I usually sit pretty quietly during that part. I wait.
And I wait. (He can rant a very long time.)

Then it happens.

He informs me that preachers can't preach the gospel anymore because WE won't let them.

That's when I pounce. It's one of the few areas in life I joyfully and passionately kick him in the verbal shins with a loud "BALONEY!" (For some reason we're not allowed to say "Bull")

And then I get about a 2 minute rant in (before he takes over again) about how if a preacher is a preacher he should be up there preaching what God has for him to say and if he gets kicked out then he gets kicked out.
If he lets me go too long I can start blaming the downfall of the church on his argument that preachers don't preach the meat of the gospel because they don't want to lose their jobs.

It's quite a pleasure.

I don't blame preachers though. I plant the blame right at my door and from there it flows outward to the church around me. That's right. You. You're supposed to be the church.

I went to a prayer meeting on Tuesday it was only me and one other woman and for 30 minutes the church was positively silent. I swear, I spent a good deal of time praying that something could shock us into making noise. I don't pray in my head at home. I longed for noise.

I longed for the relationship I have with Christ in my home, to be the relationship that I have in front of others.
It ain't.

I long for my excitement for spiritual things at home, to be slightly less than my excitement of sharing those spiritual things with you. All of you.
It ain't.

It's as though I spend my time at home in a close and personal relationship with God, and then I go to church and practice religion.

It's not the preachers fault.
It's not your fault.

It's all mine.

But, judging from the fact that there were only two people at the prayer meeting (and this is the first one I've attended in forever) I'm thinking that you've got the same problem I do.
It's exciting to be s a v e d.
Yet that passion is lacking in me when I go to the building church.
It's stifled into the corner even when I'm just around you church.
My fault.

But, you, you don't seem too excited either. You don't seem relieved, or oozing gratitude. You too, just like me, easily qualify as the Stepford Church.

I don't know how to change. I really don't. And I don't say that sadly, or with regrets or bitterness. It's just a fact. I'm so focused on behaving as a Stepford Christian that even when I want to act otherwise, I've got that zeal locked so tightly that it's a miracle whenever it comes out.

And that's exactly why I'm not upset about it right now.

I know the One who can work that kind of miracle in me. And I trust Him that if I want so strongly to verbalize, and act out my relationship with Christ publicly He hears my request for it.
I won't always be this way.
Because I've told God all about it.
He hears me.
I know it.

An unsafe God.

I mean nothing more from the title of my post, than just a play on the words from my last post quoting "Of course He isn't safe, but He's good."

I went to church tonight.

It shouldn't seem like such a big thing, but I've been estranged from church for quite some time now - I only attend the services that I feel I absolutely have to. Sunday mornings are a given, and Sunday nights have become a struggle that sometimes I wonder if I only attend for fear that my parents might choose to visit my service the one Sunday night I happen to skip.

I don't know that it's true - but it's awfully close.

Something just feels wrong with me being at church. It's where I don't fit anymore. Which is ironically strange since it's the world I grew up in.
But sitting there tonight, so obviously outside of everyones general beliefs we discussed the book of Revelation. The small group sat content with the idea that they would never have to see the horrible events discussed - while I took a breath and prayed that God would help us all endure when the time came.

Cause I happen to think we're going to go through it.

Besides the fact that I think scripture on the end times backs up the idea - I believe the entire bible backs up the idea. It's the safe God that gets He kids in out of the rain. It's the unsafe, wild God that allows His children in the rain. It's the unsafe God that allowed the 3 Hebrew children thrown in the fire -protected in the fire - not prevented from the fire.

It's the wild God that shuts His children into an ark with every kind of animal He had created while the earth is destroyed. Floating in the middle of the worlds destruction, listening to the sound of torrents of rain upon rain upon rain upon rain.

It's the unsafe - but Good God that looked upon His servant Job, and according to the scriptures not even long after the time of testing had begun Job was already saying "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me."

He's the God that turns people into pillars of salt (pillars of salt for cryin' out loud!), gives them brief moments of leprosy, He's a God that dropped two people dead, right where they stood, for lying to Him, He's a God that is planning on turning the waters on the earth to blood.

It might sound all unrelated I suppose, but my Good God doesn't do things the easy way. His word is full of violence, and love, and every last word and action in it is for the glory of Himself. When we go through great tribulation - The Great Tribulation, that's going to be when we can bring glory and honor to Him. Those will be the years when those who truly love Christ, will no longer be "people who go to church". But instead, they'll be people helping their neighbor, banding together in prayer and holding tightly to their Father and Friend as they build Gods Kingdom and refuse things like the mark of the beast while they're being martyred.

The mark of a good parent isn't that they keep their child from the hard problems of life. It's that they have prepared their child and are willing to do the hard task of letting their child be challenged, scared, tested. But, while you'd expect that to bring glory to the child - the true glory belongs to the parent who did the real work to get the child through the test.

My Father - is He safe? No.
Is He good? Yes.
Do I trust Him? Yes.

How do you count success?

At church Sunday night in an impromptu business meeting I received more information on my church's financial status. Our pastor was required to complete an end of the year report, and in the year we have prospered. We're not rich, not even really abundant, but for a small church of approximately 40 or 50, every need has been supplied.

And while I'm pleased that we're doing well financially, and I'm glad to know it. I wondered if another report is available.
How many souls have we we won? How many have been baptized? How many received the Holy Spirit this year?

... almost as quickly as those thoughts came to me, I realized thinking about my churches spiritual numbers is just another distraction from me focusing on my own.
How many people did I witness to in 2008? How many accepted Christ as a result? How many seeds did I plant, and water? How many people have I prayed with and encouraged to seek the Holy Spirit?

I focus on so many things, and I tend to use words like "We" or "Christians" but in truth, I need to passionately focus my attention to the one thing that I am required to account for.
ME

So, when you read my posts for this new year of 2009, listen closely to this one thing. I'm not lecturing you. I'm not lecturing the world around me.
I'm lecturing me.

I want better. I want best. I want my actions to display my heart. I want my words to display my depth rather than shallow surface words that dull the sharp pierce of the gospel of truth.
And I want my words to apply to me. Not you. Me. So brace yourself and if you see me go awry, please comment strongly.

I want to grow. I want God. I want more. I want most.

Thoughts on church and a prayer and change.

Update: When I think of them, I'm randomly adding names to this post. If you would like your name added, just leave a comment.

I've heard, and even repeated the statement before that you can't love God, and hate His bride. And I don't think I hate the church of people... but I walk into that building and often I feel a compression that shrinks down who I am, and what I long to become in God and leaves me feeling a little empty. It's no ones fault, unless I choose to blame myself for it.

I've always been a difficult person. Wanting things, yet completely unable to express what it is I'm wanting. I want big, and small, powerful and wonderfully simple. I want meaningful.
I want God.

This love/hate relationship I have with Church.... I wish it would end. And, as I forever try to 'fix' myself, I wonder about the different ways to stop shrinking when I walk in those doors.

At the same time, it almost seems ungrateful and wrong to use the word 'shrink' when God has worked so much in the last 3 years.

Today, in this very hour, I do feel grateful. I know despite my seemingly incessant hairpulling and groaning, that God has brought me out. I step out, free, and liberated today and simply pray He keeps the wolves of sin from me. The fears and doubts and protective wall that I so diligently guard myself with leave me bitter and frustrated. I choose better. I choose God.
Let me trust so much that I become trust.
Let me believe so much that I become belief.
Let me be so open that I become openness itself.
Let me love so wholly, that I become as Christ.

I do see the new year as opportunity for new beginnings. But I don't want to wait to start those beginnings. I want them now December 28th. May I climb the tree of Life as happy as a child. May I sit as a work wearied laborer under it's branches and find it as refreshing as cool clear water. May I trust in the roots, and find joy in every leaf and find complete nourishment in it's fruit.

Let my soul be satisfied in You Oh Lord. I pray that You would occupy my vision until the things of this world become things seen only through You rather than around You or instead of You. That my words to others would first pass the filter of You. I pray with each and every passing day that I become ever increasingly lost in You, till I wonder what is me, and what is Thee.
I pray Your love and mercies sustain me, and that I would never again doubt in the darkness the decisions I've made in the light. I pray Your right hand of righteousness would uphold me, and I pray for courage as I face the times I desperately need to be upheld.
Help me to no longer trust in this world for my hope. But for You alone to be my hope. That said, I pray my heart would constantly and prayerfully hope for the world.

Consume me Father, consume every fiber of my doubts and fears and each sin that comes between me and You. Until I cannot help but give you all I am, because You are all I desire.
I pray that Christ would be lifted up in this broken and hurting world as Your day of return is ever closer. That all might see. That all might know.

I pray this same prayer for each of these:
Angelica
David
Bella
Marisella
Elyana
Shawna
Phoenix
J.W
Glenda
Linda K.
Linda S.
Will
Steve
Layvon
Nancy M.
Smokey
Cherry
Nancy
Ted
Marie
Grover
Kristi
Seth
John
Rachel
Jeremiah
Allison
David
Liberty
Scott
Dustin
Madison
Deborah M.
Deborah U.
Heber
Haley
Erica
Josh
Zach
Mark
Shelly
Mike B.
Cathy
Deann
Miles
Roger
Jason

Consume them, uphold them, burn away in them the dross that stands between them and Your absolute glory.
Open our eyes Lord, until all we seek is You. Then Father, oh that we might find You one day in the fullness of Your glory and grace. May we revel and wonder every moment of every day.
Oh Father that it might be according to Your will.

Jon's post "Just Come" and a word about prayer.

Jon Acuff from Stuff Christians Like says he's going to start posting again at one of my favorite sites of his (I'm not sure how many blogs he keeps up now, but I think it's 5). My favorite one of his is 97 seconds with God. It's usually where he puts all his serious posts that really make me think about how nice God is. Not just great, and awesome in power... He's nice too.

He's someone you'd look forward to meeting for lunch on your lunch hour, and would always be late getting back to work because He's just so great to talk to.

He's someone you'd drive 3 hrs to visit... unannounced and uninvited... because you know you'll always be welcome.

He's someone that knows all the dirty stuff about you, and yet still brings you in on some of the most important things He's working on.

He's nice. Best friend kinda nice. Because just like a best friend, when you fight with Him, it hurts worse than all get out.

Anyway, the post that Jon wrote was called "Just Come", and it was about God wanting you to come.. just come, come weary and heavy laden and He will give you rest, come broken and hurting and He will give you healing... It talks a lot about coming, just as you are - rather than waiting to be just as you think you should be before coming to God.

I won't quote it, because you need to head on over there and read it (and maybe drop an encouraging comment for him). But it did push me into writing about something that's been on my mind since church last week.

We want to believe before we pray. Whereas I now, firmly believe, that we need to pray until we believe. Because continuing in faithful prayer admiting my unbelief is what can change my belief. Months ago as part of my "I don't get it and I'm pulling my hair out" I realized that I can't allow the devil to control my prayers. I can't allow my belief to control my prayers. Some days I'll pray believing, firmly, ready to tackle the fiercest demons. But other times, I'll have to make a choice of not praying at all or praying for a situation and telling God I'm having a hard time believing for this one, but I believe He can help my unbelief.

We're children of God. Children. of. God. Forget for a moment the whole "christian" or "Christ-follower" "disciple of Christ" and "believer" forget your denomination, forget your churches name. For me, as part of my growth lately I've been focused on the fact that I'm a child of God. And that's taken forceful effort on my part to shove aside those other "titles". But as His child, if I know my Father can do something I'm going to ask. Whether He will or not has to be secondary. Maybe your dad always says no, maybe you know the answer the question before you ask it, but I'm going to ask my Father anyway. Because sometimes I just don't understand the logic, or reasoning behind the answers so sometimes I get surprised with a "yes" that just blows me away.

So, as His child, I'm working to approach Him with childlike innocence and sheer determination. I don't know if you've ever seen a child determined to get something from you, but let me tell you, they don't seem to grow weary in asking. Even if the answer every single time is "NO! And stop asking me!"

I believe my Father wants me to ask, even when I don't believe. Because I don't want to just follow Gods Son. I want to be Gods child myself.