Leviticus - I want to be clean!

I have a definite picture in my mind of old testament people.

This picture comes from the fact that when God said to go circumcise themselves, the men, with no medical/anesthetizing capabilities whatsoever, suddenly picked up whatever qualified as their “knives” back in those days and started cutting on themselves and their sons. Or as in the case of a very angry Zipporah, the mom’s got that job. Let me tell you, there isn’t any way on earth I’d find the inner chutzpah to do that.

But they did it. And the Bible is incredibly short on verses that leave a person trying to pump themselves up to do what God asked. Take for example Moses’ conversation with God. God says drop the rod in your hand and Moses does. The rod becomes a snake and the Bible says Moses “fled from it”. Then God says “go pick it up” and the Bible simply says Moses did.

What’s missing is the 19 times Moses kinda stepped towards the snake saying “Ok… I’m just gonna grab the NOOO!” and runs back.

Bearing some of those stories in mind, I tend to classify OT people different from regular people. As though they somehow don’t have feelings, or get scared, or notice/care that people are staring – things like that. But… and I never thought I’d say these words in my entire life, something about the book of Leviticus really opened my eyes to the idea that I might have something in common with these people.

I think our common ground may just be an inner screaming of our hearts that cries out “I WANT TO BE CLEAN!”.

As I listened to verse after verse after verse after verse in Leviticus talking about what they did in order to be pronounced clean… my God, I feel inadequate in my own desire. What was there that they would not have been willing to do?

And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and the priest shall put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot: And the priest shall take some of the log of oil, and pour it into the palm of his own left hand: And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the LORD: And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering: Leviticus 14:14-17

Let me tell you, from the book of Leviticus there is a lot of blood sprinkling, a lot of blood pouring around, a lot of people putting their heads on animals and then killing it. And you didn’t just do it like WE repent today, they did this constantly. Oh, you touched a dead animal – bring something in for your offering. Oh, you “went in and lay with” your wife, bring down that offering. Oh, you think your house has mold!!! Bring in that offering.

All these things were done in a desperate attempt to just be clean. And it’s the one thing that I finally grabbed onto in Leviticus and said “YES! That’s me!” It’s the one thing that I’m missing in our churches today – that overwhelming, willing to do anything if they can just be clean. Our churches are so painfully clean, that my oblation over my own filthy state of my heart doesn’t have a place and that hurts. I’ve been made clean by the sacrifice of a perfect lamb, but oh… oh, all too often my heart and my mind, my selfishness and laziness and idolatry of things that I put above God those things overwhelm me – especially as I sit in His presence – and my heart is broken and I find myself crying out to God to make me clean again! please! Only to find myself in a congregation that has already moved on.

I’m sure it’s not everyone, there are others out there who, like me, find themselves broken and trembling in hatred of their own wickedness in the presence of a fearsome and awesome God. But the majority today seems to be running through their program. Leaders that are afraid to stop the service, or let the service run until 2pm if necessary in their desire that people not only find the altar and experience the presence of God, but recognize their need to humble themselves before it.

And I want to catch myself before I simply complain about our churches today because my simple truth today is about me. I can try and apply it to anyone else that I want to but, God spoke to me today in those verses. Those people were willing to do anything God said in order to be clean. They’ll slaughter God only knows how many animals, they’ll let some priest rub the animals blood on them, they’ll let the priest dump oil on their head, they’ll sit outside the camp away from everyone for 7 days yelling "UNCLEAN", they’d put their hands into a jar of animal blood and sprinkle it around an altar, rub it on things, pour it on things… all the while saying blood is unclean: don’t touch it.

And I struggle with simply staying at the altar while everyone chats it up on their way out the doors.

Oh God, - there is a burning in my heart to be clean. To be free, completely and constantly free from the wickedness of my own heart that torments me. Torments me. But until I become as these Old Testament children of Israel, I believe I will only know it in part. Until I put everything else aside and am willing to make a fool of myself, to shove my sin to the forefront of my life rather than bury it beneath platitudes and churchy words, I will only enjoy sips of the deep fountains of purity that God could avail to my heart.

Oh let me be like them.

Sometimes I hate myself -- and that's ok.

Nobody knows how bad they are until they have tried very hard to be good ~CSLewis

I have a lot of my dad in me.
He possesses an incredible ability to find religious fault.
I took that quality, and multiplied it in subjects such as manners, family obligations, and the ability to instantly judge a situation and a person based on very little information. I love rules because it gives me an easy guideline to line life up against. 9 years ago as a flight attendant we were given the rule of "No drinking from a cup standing up". It looked unprofessional so it wasn't allowed. And here I am 9 years later still unable to drink standing up without considering that rule and it's breakage.

So I took one small fault and multiplied it to an extreme that makes even me not like me sometimes.

I have a little of my Father in me.

As I age, I see both sides grow.

And I'd rather see the family side shrink while the Godly side grew. And some days I like to imagine that is exactly what's happened. But other days - other days I wonder if I've gotten away from the negative at all.

I know I'm growing, I know I'm changing. Some days are just less encouraging than the others.
Today, even sitting here frustrated and disappointed in myself the emotions only sink so deep until they hit the rock that is my foundation. The rock that says I'm loved and accepted with all my flaws. I can strive for perfection, but failure to reach my every goal does not mean utter failure. Because as long as the Rock is still my foundation, as long as I still strive, there is always hope and joy.

So tonight I'm discouraged and I say: "I want to be better than I am today."
But next week, I could be fully encouraged and happy, and I still hope I remember to say: "I want to be better than I am today."

There is no stopping.

And that is pretty encouraging.
*** 1 Day later update ***

I talked with God last night about so much of this that I'm struggling with. And today the change was immediate. It doesn't mean I won't sink back into old habits again because I tend to - but for now, today showcased itself as an immediate answer to prayer. A little bit of the footloose joy I felt years ago tinged the day today. I almost felt carefree. That's pretty incredible. Joy to the world - the Lord has come.

Confession my faults - Fear.

I like apologizing.

I know what you're thinking, and I saw that eye-roll. You'll just have to trust me on this. I like apologizing. I enjoy naming how my sin was wrong, bringing it to light, and letting someone know I'm sorry not just for doing whatever, but for the disrespect, unkindness, selfishness, whatever sinful nature was rearing up to cause the action in the first place.

It leaves me feeling like I just kicked dirt in the devils eye. I like to take sin seriously - not in that I would think about it all the time, but that when I do find it in my life I figure out what it really is.

I've been stressed out lately. I didn't realize it until the other night but the move I'm about to make and all it's little ramifications was scaring me. I did some math the other day and, living on my own, after bills here I'd have $52 left for groceries for the month.

It's not that I don't think I'll eat, because I know God will provide work and money so I actually don't think I'll go without. It just made me realize how close to the line I'm going to be. If emergencies come up...

And I became afraid.
I didn't rest in the promise that God would supply my needs, He would help me, and give me wisdom as to the house to choose and what actions to take in order to use the money He's provided me with wisely.

As I grew more afraid, my actions around my poor housemates changed as well.

The turning point was when I griped at my nephew for dumping his water out to put fresh water in his cup. He said it was old and I griped something about how water doesn't taste old after 3 hours.
Then later that evening, I brought my cup downstairs, dumped the water out, rinsed the cup and refilled it with fresh water.

Instantly I was convicted.

And I did something I hadn't done too recently; I went to my bedroom, dropped to my knees beside my bed and I wept before God. I repented of my actions towards my family, and I prayed He would help me not just to treat them as He would, but that He would calm my fears and I would simply trust Him for my needs without worry.

I told Him I was stressed out, worried, and anxious and I didn't know how to handle the changes coming up on my own. I told Him I loved Him dearly, and that I hadn't been showing it - and I was so very sorry for how off-track my heart had wandered from the path and that I needed Him to draw me nearer, because I just wasn't close enough. I need Him more.

Wednesday night on the way home from church I was working on memorizing 2 Chronicles 7:14 with the kids: If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from Heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land.

It seemed that night, those words were prophetic as I unthinkingly acted them out. But I got up that evening forgiven. Regrets can't be changed, but forgiveness is wonderful. But I didn't realize until later that God had worked on healing my land as well. Today is different, I don't know how or where I'll ultimately end up but... There is something new inside me that's able to trust for this now. And I came home and it was probably one of the more peaceful, kind nights at the house.

The night I repented, afterwards I stayed up late reading 1 John. When I reached 5:4 I found another verse that I set about trying to memorize. It's well worth memorizing if you'd like to try.

For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world; even our faith. 1 John 5:4

God has not given me a spirit of fear.

The Friday before last, in my continued hunt for a car that actually stops on command I arranged to meet a person from craigslist to look at their car. So after I got off work I headed down to the South side of San Antonio to meet up at the South Park Mall. *As a point the further South you go in SA, the worse the neighborhoods get. I typically stay north.*

Once I get there I text to let them know I'm there.

I get a call back saying that a friend of his is bringing the car to me and that the friend is running late. He's going to give his friend my number so that the friend can call me when he's almost there so he can find me.

Ok.

The friend eventually calls and instantly something inside me clenches up and says "This isn't good... get out."
It's irrational, and I'm not a rude, fleeing person by nature at all. I trust people until you've given me a good reason not to. And even then I might still be gullible. I pick up hitch-hikers for cryin' out loud. I don't assume bad things about people.
So I sit there and he finally arrives. He's said things that don't make sense, but unfortunately when I ask pointed questions instead of answering he apologizes that his English isn't very good. He was white, completely white, so I've been calling him "The Russian" in my mind.

The Russian didn't have the car with him. He indicated that it was somewhere else and we had to go to it. He wanted me to get in his car.
The very moment he even started the sentence, his hand still in midmotion to point at his car, my gut screamed at me, "DO NOT DO IT, LEAVE NOW, DON'T GO A STEP FURTHER".
But again, I hate to be the freak who just says "No, I'm calling everything off now, thanks for driving all the way down here - albiet without the car - but I'm going to run home now in case you're a psycho."
So I tell him that I'm going to take my own car and will follow him.

As I get back in my own car, I'm listening to a gut that is literally screaming at me. I've heard my gut talk before, but I can't say that I ever recall it screaming. Listening to my gut screaming at me, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!! I hesitated and then finally texted my family a description of the man and the car. I even wrote that this was "In case something happened".

Let me just say that in hindsight if you feel enough danger that you want to send a text describing a person "In case something happens", then it's a situation you should probably get out of. Even if it means you're rude.

We drive about 2 miles down the city streets and ever worsening neighborhoods. He finally pulls in to a car lot. He appears to unlock a gate, but cannot open the gate very much. We boths squeeze our bodies through the small opening.

So now I'm inside a car lot, not able to get out quickly because the gate isn't open. To say I feel trapped is putting it mildly. I'm literally trembling. Shaking with adrenaline (I wasn't shaking with fear, I'll get to that in a moment.) The Russian points at a car in the lot that is impossible to move because it's surrounded by other cars. It's so tightly packed in that you can't even walk around the car. He announces that it is the car and then gets on the phone and begins speaking in another language. While I pretend to look at the car from a distance. He pauses his gibberish conversation long enough to tell me his friend is coming shortly who can move the other cars.

I swallow, it's funny how a person remembers doing the oddest things, but I remember swallowing right then and realizing that I've long since past the easy way to get out of this situation. So I look at him and politely say that I had already arranged to meet someone in 30 minutes (not a lie) and needed to leave and was very sorry but that I could not stay and wait any longer. His face made a crazy look at that moment that I can't even describe. And then I turned my back on him and began the long walk to the fence. My screaming gut was silenced only be the small chant in my head praying he would "let me leave".
The word "let" was ringing in my head. I'd never before felt such a hope for another humans mercy in "letting" me walk away.

I left. I left extremely shaken. It felt like I didn't even breathe until I'd maneuvered the city streets back out to the highway, and that's when I began trembling so hard I could hardly hold the wheel. But not for anything would I pull over.

I went home and tried to forget everything.

I did contact one person and cancel my appt with Andre to look at his car the next day. I officially banned meeting craigslist people. NOT gonna happen again.

Then yesterday Andre contacts me again and really wants to sell me his car. After at least an hour of gut twisting indecision I make a plan. Yes I'll meet him, close to my home, on a road that's close to the library where my brother and his wife would be and in a very busy parking lot next to a gas station on a busy Saturday afternoon.

So I go there and park and wait for him to arrive.

Andre sends me a text asking me to go to a different location.

That's all he did. Any other day I wouldn't have even cared one wit. I would have just driven a few more exits down and parked there. But the next thing I know I'm trembling from head to toe, and I'm trying not to cry. I send Andre a text back saying No and the deal is off I'm going home.

And that was the first moment I realized I had a problem. I drove away from the parking lot as quickly as I could, afraid he would show up before I could get away. I was stopped briefly in the parking lot by my brother and his wife who stopped by on their way home. I would have had people with me this time. The situation was entirely different. But I was still shaking so violently that I thought I was going to be sick. I drove away, and at the first opportunity when I felt "clear" of the place I pulled over to try and gather myself. And I realized I had a problem.

God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of sound mind.

Yesterdays events let the devil enjoy a victory over me. And I hate that. So, I've arranged to meet Andre again. He's given me even more reason to trust that this situation is nothing like the other and I'm trying again. If for no other reason than I will not allow the devil to keep this victory.

I've got a post on this that's not quite so personal that I'll put up soon, but I wanted to post this humbling description of me because I want to be completely frank about how foolish and stupid I can be sometimes. Because our Christian walk isn't about doing it perfectly and enjoy victory after victory. It's about getting up every single time you fall over and knowing that God is still there. It's about seeing your weaknesses and not accepting them but challenging them by the power of Jesus Christ.

When I become irrationally afraid I know the devil is at work. I believe when I met The Russian I had great reason to follow the Holy Spirits urging (I believe the Holy Spirit lives in my gut quite often). But the second event was just the devil using fear against me. And I'm going to attack it.

Whatever you've got in your life, whatever you see makes you irrational and you see it isn't of God - fight it. Don't condone it, don't tell yourself it's just a part of your past that is still haunting you. Fight. Give God everything you've got, every day.

You'll only be glad you did.

Don't die for an apple.

I truly wish that I could remember where I saw this. I sincerely apologize that I'm not able to give credit where credit is due, but if it was you and you wrote this if you'll comment I'll be happy to give that credit.

I was shocked to pieces at the simplicity and obviousness (and yes, I checked, it is a word) of something that I'd never thought of before: The fall of man came because Adam and Eve ate an apple.

Not because someone murdered someone, or blasphemed the Holy Spirit, not because of fornication or greed, not because of violence or hate. But simply through the eating of an apple. Because in eating that apple they weren't obeying God.

We love to assign different levels of 'bad' to sin. Obviously eating an apple that you're not supposed to eat is nothing compared to murder right? But for God, disobedience was the key. Whether you're disobedient in big or small, all is important to God.

So keep in mind while you discount the small disobediences in your life - God isn't discounting them along with you.

Turn off the lights.

It doesn't happen all that often, but every once in awhile, about 15 minutes after the kids bedtime I'll get a quiet knock on my door.

My niece enters, with teary eyes, and says "I think you need to tell me that verse again."

It's the verse I've told her for nearly 12 years now... "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of sound mind." Practically every time it comes up it's bedtime. The night has crept in and she realizes how dark her room is - despite the fact that a huge strand of Christmas lights serve as her nightlight.

In the last years, the lecture has almost become script. I repeat the verse, and then tell her that trusting in God is proved most truly in the dark. You say you trust Him, but when the lights are out and you're afraid of the dark, that's when you have to tell your spirit that you do indeed trust in God and you will not be paralyzed by fear. You will not lose sleep with fear. You will not lie wide awake in fear. You will close your eyes and simply TRUST the way you say you do when it's light outside.

And after quoting that mantra so often to her I've wondered how many adults do the same. We allow fears in our lives, even simple ones like fear of the dark, fear of heights, fear of crowds, fear of failure. And when I say we "allow" them, I go so far as to say we build those fears a little home in our lives so they can be comfortable and take up permanent residence. We accept that as humans, we have fears... it's normal, healthy, and while unpleasant and a hindrance to our daily lives - we have every right to be afraid.

"You don't know what I've been through..."
"If you'd lived through what I'd lived through you'd understand..."
"You just don't understand..."
"It's just something that makes me feel better..."
"I NEED to..."
"I just can't do it any other way..."


But that's a lie. It's a comfortable lie because it's hard to turn the lights out and say you aren't afraid, that you really do trust God whether the lights are on or off. That your security, your sense of safety doesn't come from filaments in a glass casing, but from God Himself.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - faith is proactive. It's a inner quality but without the action it's dead according to the Bible. You say you have faith, SHOW me your faith. I don't want the typical religion that reminds you to trust in God but never requires you to give up your security blankets, your night lights, your fears. SHOW me your faith.

I hope you don't think - even for a moment - that I believe turning out the lights and trusting God in the dark is easy right off the bat. I think the very act of turning off the lights is the most difficult thing you can do. It means you've stopped trusting in your ability to take care of yourself, and here - here in the dark - everything is just going to be in Gods hands.

And amazingly enough, when the one who actually HAS given you the spirit of fear realizes that he can't defeat you with your fear you'll probably find that fear dissolves as he moves on to find other ways to hurt you, scar you, prevent you from trusting God.

I give this lecture to my niece on those nights because I don't want her to be chained to fears of any shape. I want her to know that when you're scared to pieces you are not alone and that there is a great big God who loves you more than you can imagine. I want her to live her life unencumbered from those chains that leave her tending to her fears rather than living life exactly as God would have her - filled with power, love, and a perfectly sound mind. A sound mind doesn't picture monsters in the dark. A fearful one does.

I don't know what monsters you imagine in the darkness, but I beg of you, whoever you are, to turn off the lights and beg God to handle it.

I don't make solid statements like this too often but I believe, firmly, that you will never be all that God would have you to be when you allow yourself to cater to your fears. No matter how many victories you enjoy, no matter how wise and spiritual you become, you will never know true liberty until you're willing to sit in the dark and trust God.

You know where your light switch is. When you lie in the dark afraid, tears rolling down your cheeks as imaginary monsters come to attack you - remember what Aunt Net said: "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind."

Turn off the light.
I beg you. Turn off the light.

I walked into the middle of a discussion group on the book "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere the other night and ended up at a terrific table of ladies.
Part of the subject matter went to the moment (Luke 22:21-24) when Jesus tells his disciples that one of them would betray Him. They immediately begin saying "Who is it?"
Then, just one verse later they're fighting about who would be the greatest in Gods Kingdom.

The point was made that these two seemingly unrelated topics were probably strung together by one statement.

"Well, I obviously wouldn't be the one to betray Him."

When faced with the idea that someone in the room was going to do something utterly despicable , the conversation turns to how they would never do something that awful, which then leads to which one of them is better than all the rest.

In my own life, too often, I've seen a way to make a joke of something/someone; or I've seen a way to put down or, at the very least, doubt the validity of some ministries. I've struggled (and still struggle) with going to new churches without having that skepticism in my heart as to whether or not these people actually love God. As though that distinction is mine to make and it can be made in 2 hours time. I've judged people by groups. When I know I wouldn't want my passion for Christ to be judged by some of churches I've attended.

It's hard to get out of a judgmental mindset. Hard to keep from thinking along the lines of my preconceived notions and simply leave myself open.
Because ultimately, when I make myself the judge like that it's easy for me to be an exact replica of the disciples as they say "I wouldn't do that, matter of fact I might even be among the greatest of us all. I guess I've got this all down pat now."

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go remind myself that this post must be referring to the old me, for surely I'm too good for this kind of behavior now.

...Harumph... I wish

Worship!

Unrelated to anything except excitement about things seen and done today.

We went to a church this morning (New Life Fellowship) that had an absolutely positively outstanding worship service. The songs were all new to me so I didn't know the words at all, but from the very first beat something in me just jumped up and said "YES". I was in a crowd that was worshipping and worshipping openly.

Several people began just moving to the front of the church or out of their pews to worship God from the open area between platform and chairs. One woman was actually dancing in the Spirit and it's been a very very long time since I have seen that.

People were even dressed up for church, but it was obviously not a legalistic church issue since a good percentage (including the pastor) didn't dress up. I know, I know, people think it's not supposed to matter and yes, I've been lax myself sometimes as well, but it's awfully nice to see people dressed as though they were going someplace important. (Not that I don't understand extenuating circumstances, but I'm pretty sure there aren't any extenuating circumstances that involve showing up in shorts and flip flops.)

Feel free to comment your disagreement, I completely understand your point - God cares about the inside not the outside. Got that. I even agree.

The sermon was almost the exact opposite of the wonderful awesomeness of the worship service. And apparently I didn't mask it well, because half-way through the sermon a note was passed down to me "Jeanette has a big frown on her face." (It's not nice to make people laugh during church.) :)

But I find it amazing how easily the devil can tell you something that is close to true, but not. Not at all true. It's worrisome.

People tend to listen without thinking more often than not. We're a television society; listen, laugh, say amen, shake the pastors hand. If the pastor got excited, he must have done a good job so you tell yourself it was a good sermon, it was a right sermon, it was truth - because why on earth wouldn't your pastor tell you the truth about the Gospel and the ways of salvation, or how to walk uprightly? Why on earth would a pastor lie about that?

So you say amen, and walk out the door thinking how great it is that you don't have to worry about sin. In fact, if the subject of sin comes up, it's probably of the devil so instead of agreeing with the devil that there is sin in your life you should just praise God for the good stuff.

And that's the easiest path in the world... to hell.


Preachers, please preach the gospel. Please tell your people how they can grow. Please tell them not to be lax concerning their intent to grow closer to God, to learn the deeper ways of faith, to be willing to accept Gods challenge for them to walk in new paths and trust God to teach them as they go. Covet God yourself, spending time praying, praying in the Spirit, and reading your Bible. (And I believe I wrote those in order of importance - feel free to comment your opinion on that, I'd like to hear it.) But grow as well, talk about growing and learning and hungering and being filled so often they start to covet it as well.

If your people have been drinking milk for 10 years, there is a reason - they've rejected meat or no one has ever given it to them, and they were too lazy to seek it out themselves. But milk is not proper sustenance for a mature Christian. They need more. Search the depths of the Bible, as you grow you will be able to find more meat. It will always happen.


God is good. I'm energized and joyful over todays worship service. It could have lasted longer, sang 20 more songs, and I would have been content. Worship is a beautiful, awesome, powerful thing. Incredible. Simply incredible.

Worship Him- faith will grow, for love He will show when we steadfastly worship Him.
Our God is an awesome God.

Attitude adjustments - Watch your words.

All I have needed, thy hands have provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

I'm listening to this song right now; summer, winter, springtime and harvest, join in witness to His great faithfulness, mercy and love.

I'm in a tranquil place at the moment, looking out the window at my tree, ceiling fan blowing a perfect breeze, and my laptop exactly where I like it: in my lap.

And all I have needed, His hands have provided.

It's easy to tell myself otherwise, because often as not, I erroneously put my "wants" in the "need" column. But in truth, all I have needed His hands have provided.

But I've noticed lately that I'm becoming a complainer. I see the negative, and complain about the negative, more than I sit back and enjoy the positive. I don't appreciate that in others, and especially don't appreciate it in myself.

So tonight I retreated to quiet; restraining myself from the negative comments and excessive use of sarcasm. I didn't win the entire battle, but I gained ground and that is progress.

Proverbs 16:24 says that pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and health to the bones. And as I considered the verse, I had to change my thinking a little bit because I naturally assume the words go out to other people and are sweet to their souls, and health to their bones. Turning it around I saw it from the direction of my own words being sweet to my soul, and health to my bones.

So many sins, and faults we see as harming other people, but most often the people we hurt most are ourselves. In todays culture it seems almost insanity to find some young crippled up, sickly person and say to them that their bad attitude that they have carried all their lives has crippled them and if they would only be more pleasant...

But repeatedly, God tells us just that.

So watch your heart, watch your mouth, guard your attitude. And when you find yourself, just as I did, seeing more negatives around you than positives, stop it in it's tracks. Spend time, as I'm doing right now listening to songs of Gods faithfulness and provision, praying, steeping yourself in His word. And then do not give yourself permission to voice negatives (except in the obvious cases where it is necessary for change or correction). Once you retract the permission to be negative, you'll begin to catch yourself more often until you are able to not only not be negative, but have found those pleasant words that will be sweet to your soul, and health to your bones.

I can think of no nicer, more refreshing reason to be healthy, than the fact that you chose to keep your words healthy and your body followed suit.

Thank You Lord for not letting me blindly continue in sinfulness, and attitudes and speech that do not reflect Your goodness and mercy.

Holiness struggles

I sent an e-mail today that I really hated to send.

It was a good chronicle of how I am still held back by thoughts and emotions that are not of God. And why I wasn't breaking out of them.

The why explanation was simply this: I still believe them.

And between erring between the two sides, I choose to err on the side I've been on for most of my life because to err on the other side is ... well, just something I can't stand.

And I wondered, not for the first time, how you get to a place beyond this. Where long held ideals, long held biases, long held fears somehow are diminished under the cloak of holiness and Gods perfect healing and grace. Holiness that doesn't allow you to accept anything but perfect in yourself. Holiness that God, in His mercy, increases by clarifying your motives when you don't even realize they weren't right.

Writing that e-mail today was the perfect way to realize that I've accepted a certain area that hasn't been given over to God. It's still fully controlled by me.

It's easy to shrug it off and say "nobody's perfect" but I don't want to do that because perfection is exactly what I'm striving for.

It leaves me in a quandary. Because I don't have the faintest clue how to act outside of these false beliefs.

All that to say this:

There really ought to be a sign upon my heart
Don't judge me yet I'm an unfinished part
But I'll be perfect just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Fathers loving hand.

He's still workin' on me.
To make me what I ought to be
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
The Sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
Cause He's still workin' on me.

In the mirror of His Word - reflections that I see
Make me wonder why He never gave up on me.
But He loves me as I am
And helps me when I pray
Remember He's the Potter I'm the clay.

For God has not given sin power over me.

This is the post I hate to write. It's the post I'd rather cover up quickly with 5 or 6 inconsequential posts just so it gets buried a little faster. It's the post that I wish others couldn't read. It's the post that I'd like to pretend didn't exist within myself. At this exact moment though, I'm wishing it didn't exist mostly because I do not want to write this post. I guess it's time to get it over with though.

Within the recesses of my heart I imagine great things are happening. Purity is taking place, righteousness and other well known and pleasant fruits of the Spirit are growing. Instead, I found a dark and dirty section full of filth and fungi.

Two months ago I wrote this post where I told how I was praying for my replacement. The person who would take my place playing the piano for my church after I left.
And I mean every word of it still... I really do.
Really.

And then I went to visit the church and met my replacement. She's wonderful -she's even got the ability to play with soul, a particular ability I never managed myself. I truly enjoyed listening to her play.

And then it came... the thought that now that Sundays will no longer be a glaring reminder that I'm not there to play the piano for them I will lose my tentative connection to all these people I still long for and miss.
It gets worse, I even specifically refrained from e-mailing any of them this past week so I could see if they would remember me.

Can I tell you how much I'm not enjoying this confession?

But for all my years of Christian training, for all my posts on Christian growth, I'm still fighting hidden icebergs of sin. For all my talk, for all my hours of Christian service, sin still pops up and bites me. So guess what? No one is safe. And all those people you imagine as never having those embarrassing sins, the truly selfish ones that no one would want anyone to know about them (eg. this post) well, let me be the first to tell you - they do.

Worship leaders struggle with pornography, that church secretary is struggling with lust, that usher that has been so great a part of your church for 37 years struggles with greed and the temptation to steal. That childrens minister that you love so much and look up to for all he's done for your kids? He's got a problem with lying.

No one is safe. Not from the devil. The more you try to be clean, the more he'll try to smut you up.

So here's the thing I'm embracing out of it. The necessity of being a whole person. One that struggles with sin, looks at it and sees it for it's nastiness and then works to root it out. Hiding it, and pretending that sin never knocks on my door or could ever be found in my heart doesn't do as much good as this all-too-humbling post might. Exposing sin, and refusing to give it the power of shame over me.

I feel obstinate as I write this. My thoughts turned to how much I did not want anyone to know my foolishness and I realized that that was as much from the devil as the original sin was. The instinctive idea of hiding was disappointing to me. I believe the devil wants me to hide, to hide in a little hole of self-recrimination and imagine a world of perfect Christians that me and my selfish little ways will never measure up to. But I refuse.

All that said, I hope you got some good out of this post, because it killed me to write it. But that's the good part. No, the best part. You see, I needed to die. Romans 6:6

God is NOT a hobby.

This morning before church I was in our little room playing the piano, I was playing various worship songs and choruses when something came up and I stopped playing to talk to someone about trash.

Literally, trash.
Someone taking out the trash and the duties assigned with it.

Then I carried on playing my worship songs.

Some little thought niggled at me, but I didn't stop to think it out. It was about time to finish getting ready to go so after a bit I just stopped playing and got ready.
~~~~~~~~~~

We tried a new church today. Christian Family Church. They had a 9am service and an 11am service and since my brother is throwing a paper route in the middle of the night we let him sleep late so we could go to the 11 o'clock service.

As we got to the church the 9am folks are leaving. I was a little disturbed to see people in shorts, jeans, t-shirts, some walking by chatting on cell phones and holding their coffee cups.
I was trying to shrug that off as I went in to where the worship service has already started, and I was trying desperately to enter in and worship, worship but I notice I'm having difficulty tuning out all the distractions around me. People are walking around, talking, chatting... I remind myself to focus... the ushers are constantly walking up and down the aisles... focus... the people two aisles up are talking and laughing with each other... focus... someone pushes in a stroller with an icee...

That was my undoing.

I wasn't sure if it was right or not (I am still not sure), but suddenly I just couldn't sing. I did not want my voice mingled in with theirs. Even when they settled down a little bit towards the end and the singing seemed more focused I just kept thinking over and over again "lukewarm... lukewarm...lukewarm...." I didn't want to be a part of anything that God would want to spit out with distaste.

I could have been entirely wrong for feeling this way. But my entire being was wishing they would stop singing.
I couldn't stop the tears from falling down my face. It hurt. I didn't want God treated badly, disrespected, treated so haphazardly. And I felt He was.

It was during this, that God reminded me of my morning activities. I was playing words such as "worthy is the Lamb seated on the throne. We crown You now with many crowns.."
Then talking about trash.
Then returned to "I worship You almighty God, there is none like You..."

... I was ashamed of myself.

But I was thankful for the new understanding of reverence and holiness in my life.
When I stop what I'm doing and I begin doing something unto God, whether singing a song or playing the piano, praying, I need to remember that what I'm doing during that moment is the most important thing I'm doing. Because God is worthy of it.

God is HOLY. And as such, when I offer Him something then in respect to that Holiness I need to make sure that I don't allow anything else to become more important or intrude. It broke my heart today to know that I had done that to Him. To know that something that was repulsing me so much, had been in my own heart.

It's kind of like finding a polluted sewage pond, and running from it, only to discover that your drinking water comes from said pond.

I've been seeking God for holiness, righteousness, that I would walk uprightly in as pure a way as He can create in me. So this painful revelation today was special to me, and I count it as an answer to prayer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

The church was still awful. We sat through a 10 minute sermon on why you should tithe (which I certainly agree with) before the pastor finally came on and literally unveiled a giant HDTV (and when I say giant, I'm telling you it was over 10 foot tall) and he did this so he could discuss the new sign they were buying. A big HDTV sign, 30' by 25'. (Obviously, the reason they need you faithful in your tithes.)
We spent 10 minutes listening to him talk about the glory of the sign when I passed the note begging that we could go. We walked out.

Ironically enough, they introduced the idea with the scripture saying we should into to all the world and make disciples, and how 70% of their visitors came from friends and family referrals and only 7% came from their billboard.
They actually claimed that now, all of their traffic would come from the new sign.
*snide comment not added here, but trust me when I say it's hard not to say it*

Please pray for us as we look for a church home here. I'm okay with going to church after church, (though it's certainly not my preference) but I'm not interested in going to churches that don't worship God with reverence and sincerity. I'm praying for wisdom, and a finely tuned ear to the direction God may want us to go.

Meanwhile, my lesson in Holiness today tells me that God is not my hobby. And must not be treated as such. When I sit down to enjoy a moment with Him, it's not the same as playing with a postage stamp collection, or some scrapbook endeavor. Instantly, an ordinary moment of an ordinary day is completely transformed into a moment when you, simple ordinary you, arrest attention from the Almighty King of all Kings.

It's important.
It's also important to remember that God can teach you something even in the worst and most dreadful of circumstances. Problems and bad events in your life are not for no reason whatsoever. They are there for a purpose and a season and God will use it for your benefit.
Always and forever.

God, You Reign

I'd headed out last weekend to pay my official respects to the title "dad" by visiting him. It could have actually qualified as a good weekend except one thing: about 6pm Saturday I felt a sinus infection coming on.

At least that's what I think it is. Next thing I know it feels like I've got a tooth ache on every single tooth on the right side of my face. It's.... so.... special...
I've got a miracle cure for this problem - since I hate medicine - it's a nifty little thing called Colloidal Silver.
Unfortunately, I couldn't just go off and find some right then.
Saturday became Sunday, and Sunday became Monday. It hurt. So Monday morning I found "Vitamin World!" who sells my precious.

It didn't work instantly, as it normally does, because by then I had some beautiful swelling going on, was trying not to talk any more than I absolutely had to, and was reminding myself that no one ever died of "face pain".

Here's where the post gets real.

I have a baby sitting job, it's just a very small part time thing that occupies two days a week while I look for work. Monday I was praying that God would heal the stupid infection (or whatever it actually is) so I could go to work. It's really hard to babysit a 2 yr old without, you know, t a l k i n g.

And here's the kicker:
God told me to go to work.

I reminded Him of the obvious.
He told me to go to work.

Tuesday morning arrived, my face throbbing more than any of the previous days, I called the employer and said I just couldn't be there that day.

It's one of those events where you tell yourself; "You know, that probably wasn't really God anyway. That's just my inner work-a-holic speaking."

We went to church tonight, and the song service stomped all over me. The second song especially got to me with the words to the verses speaking very specifically to me and what had transpired between myself and God.

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Starting as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
(Hosanna by Brook Fraser)

I repented, then and there of disobeying - but God wasn't done yet.
The next song began, and the chorus to that song simply repeats over and over again "God, You Reign."

And that's when I realized - I'd taken control of myself from God by refusing His directive. Yes I disobeyed - but in one of the few, very real, moments when He's told me to do something specific and out of the ordinary that I didn't like I chose my will over His.

It was hard to sing out "God You Reign!" when I knew I hadn't allowed Him to.
I'm thankful God allowed me to see the deeper implications to my sin rather than just assume the initial idea of disobedience.

As I listened to the song, repenting and most of all praying to do better - I was surprised at the completely different tone of the next song that was played. It was almost as if the leader knew I was out there repenting - it sang:

I cling to the cross and everything it means
I know it's the only hope there is for saving me
For without Your great mercy
I would be forever lost
With a thankful heart I come
And cling to the cross
(I cling to the cross - Paul Baloche)

The angry post.

**Disclaimer, I am officially ranting at myself. I will be broad and generalize in some areas because if this hits you too then I am very thankful. If I mention something that you specifically are doing then I assure you I am not trying to hit you, but it's because I'm trying to think of examples and that is one. You can be a perfectly good Christian and do whatever you're doing that I use as an example I'm sure. So please know, this is a rant specifically aimed at myself because I need to hear it and no one else will say it to me. And yes, I am angry.**



STOP.

Just stop with all the petty excuses, stop with all the flowery words and religious mumbo jumbo talk. The blogging world doesn't need to hear it, your co-workers don't need to hear it, your church family doesn't need to hear it. Just stop PLEASE.

Now repent.

Your one and only number one priority is to be a Christian.
It's not to be a good daughter, good wife, good friend, good employee.

You are to be a Christian.

So when you make some stupid thing, more important than chasing after the holiness and righteousness of God - then you are shallow. The world doesn't need any more shallow Christians. The world needs a Christian, YOU, to be spending time in Gods Word, and in PRAYER (not just the prayers you pray while doing your household chores but undivided attention, focused, heart-rendered PRAYER). EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I don't mean 15 minutes a day.

DO YOU GET THAT?

15 minutes a day?

Are you really going to change the world by spending 15 minutes with God a day?

Clean laundry is NOT more important than your time digging into Gods word and praying EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Your kids t-ball game? NOT MORE IMPORTANT. And if your kids t-ball game is going to interfere with that time with God, guess what - T-ball needs to be unenrolled from. Oh, and if that t-ball game keeps you from church then you never should have enrolled in the first place.

MY JOB is not to make sure that my niece and nephew knows their Aunt Net loves them. *And it hurts a little bit just to write that out. MY JOB is to seek GOD with all my HEART, and with all my SOUL, and with all my MIGHT. And I'M NOT DOING THAT.

There are many around me weak and sick because I've made TRASH more important than that purposeful EVERY SINGLE DAY time with God. I'm not tapped into power that I should be tapped into, because I haven't paid the cost, I haven't sought the LORD with all my MIGHT.

I want to be a Christian. But I DO NOT want to be like the Christians I know. Because we are all weak and foolish. We have L O S T what our purpose is as a child of God, and became mediocre respectable clones of what "Good Christian Folk" should look like.

Church is not to be a place where respectable people come to act respectably. Church is where children of God show up to confess their faults to each other, to provoke each other to good works, to pray for one another. And that's why I should never have dared to miss. Because I'm not supposed to have gone for what I can get, but because I have a responsibility to my church family to be there to do those things for them as well.

So when I skipped church because I was SICK. I was insane.

Because that is where the collective power of healing prayer should be the strongest.

I confess, IT'S NOT. But it's HIGH TIME that I started expecting things of the church people. It's high time I showed up sick, and vomiting and walked in expecting these people to have BEEN IN TOUCH WITH GOD during the week so that the prayer of faith can save the sick.

It's time, no, it's PAST TIME I came in to church expecting something, reached out for something and was bitterly and vocally disappointed if I didn't get it, and maybe even refused to leave until I did. But I don't have a single right to complain if I've allowed work, or packing, or painting, or whatever to come between me and MY EVERY DAY TIME WITH GOD.

It's high time I unpacked God from His simple place in everything that I do and said HE MUST HAVE DEVOTED TIME EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And that's all there is to it. Christians are weak, and pathetic compared to what God would have us be. I am weak, and pathetic compared to what God would have me be. And it's all because I've let other things be and s t a y more important. DEAR GOD I'M SORRY!

What have I done? How dare I have spent all this time blogging... over a 1000 posts, talking about God but, too busy blogging to give Him REAL time so that He can work in me what HE WILLS. Oh GOD be merciful to me a foolish child!

The problem, I so often tell myself, is that I just don't have enough time, or that I'm tired. And the absolute truth of the matter is that whatever else I did that day, whether it's dishes, laundry, family time, or even volunteer work was allowed to be more important than God to me. I can excuse it away, I can say it's not so, but that's simply not true. And so whatever I'm doing that's keeping me from that time needs to be cut out from me.

And here's the clincher - I probably don't want to let it go.

That's why it's been there for God knows how long preventing me from spending GOOD SOLID AMOUNTS OF TIME in Gods word, and in earnest prayer each day.

Which, with this revelation, leaves me at an impasse: Do I let it go? Or do I put God second?

And if I put God second to whatever it is, that tells me I have made it an idol in my heart. And God is clearly a jealous God who covets every last bit of me. And for the record, carrying on and not changing IS a choice in itself. And a slap directly into the face of God. It's SIN.

............

The problem isn't that I fill my time with sins. I can fill it with so many good works. But God wants me to seek Him, seek Him FIRST and FOREMOST, and then He will add things to me that I might be working to add to myself right now (to the exclusion of God).

Christianity has to be the simplest thing in the world.

Love God, seek God FIRST.

It's only complicated because to put God first, whatever is first now has to move. And that's a struggle of the highest degree.

God help me die. Please God help me die to myself. I don't want to be a halfway Christian. I don't want to live a life for myself with You simply a part of it rather than the whole of it. Because that's what I'm doing now. And it shouldn't be that way. I can sing the song about You burning away sin and dross, but when I do I'm always talking about sin. Dross is defined as "waste, base, inferior" and that's what everything is compared to You.
Yet I spend more time reading blogs than Your word. I spent more time checking and responding to e-mails than praying. I spend entire weekends deeply focused on my niece and nephew, yet You gets 2.5hrs Sunday morning and 1hr Sunday night and the random worship evening in my home. I'm sorry God. So sorry. This life, I get that it needs to be all consuming. But also, when You consume it I won't have lost everything. Everything would be consumed right along with me. I wouldn't lose. I would only win. But, dying is hard to do that's why I need help.

I want more of You Lord, You must increase and I must decrease.

Please God, HELP!

This is my story.

I've been thinking about "Confess your faults one to another."

Granted, you don't want to just blurt everything out to everyone - but how challenging would it be to sit down in your church building, with the church of God around you, and admit that you'd sinned, and were struggling with a sin and wanted them to pray with you?

Occasionally, someone else will mention that someone is struggling. And we'll all pray.
But never once, have I see someone stand up and say, "Hey, I used to be an alcoholic and I really am struggling to not take a drink lately - please pray!"

Or, "I'm addicted to pornography. I'm trying to beat it, but temptation just overcomes me sometimes, please keep me in prayer."

How about, "I'm a bad steward of my money (or health), and God's been convicting me about it. Please help me pray."

Maybe, "There's a guy/girl at work and I'm struggling to keep my thoughts in check."

We don't have anything like that though. And honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation because I might be confessing some serious sin in my life while you pray for me and then you'll "confess" that you haven't been reading your Bible as much as you should.

*sigh*

Excuse me while I roll my eyes.

There's the Christian world out there that just doesn't sin anymore. They apparently never lie. They never struggle with their temper. They never lose control of their tongue. They never act hateful towards their spouse even. God's just good all the time. They've always had a 'fine' week and except for the fact that they aren't reading their bible as much as they should, they're in perfect spiritual condition. :)

har.

Har de har har.

But I know why we smile, why our biggest confessed sins are not even sins at all.

At least I know why mine are.

I don't want to admit my deepest sins even to myself. Much less to you. You won't look at me the same if I told you. You think I'm spiritual now, and if I confess to you, if I actually confess my faults - you'll change how you think of me. Will you still trust me? Will my sins repulse you?

You won't know how to respond.

I wonder though, how you get that. How do you find a segment of believers that confess our faults to one another. We confess faithlessness and hypocrisy, we confess our desires for growth and what we're doing to grow. We talk, curiously and with wonder about what God is taking us into next. And we, for certain, are always attempting to grow.

Just as I said yesterday though, it's my fault that I don't have that right now. Besides my outrageously bad relationship skills, it's entirely up to me to open my mouth and continuously draw others into the conversation that I would like to begin. Until someone else becomes enraptured in the conversation as well.


.... The post stalled here.


When I got stuck I did what I always do. I flipped the laptop shut and I went to my piano. I sat, I played, and prayed and praised. And in the scattered songs I suddenly found myself singing the chorus to "Blessed Assurance." It says: "This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior, all the day long."

And the thought came to me that when we fail to confess our sins, we're hiding away our story. I didn't read you the chapter where I struggled with lying, or where rage controlled me. I skipped whole chunks of my story where internet pornography was an issue for me and somehow God helped me past it. I barely even summarized the 18 chapters where I played the hypocrite.

Those are the chapters that leave me praising God "all the day long." Those chapters. I can tell you I was lost but now I'm found. But that pathetic statement is like saying September 11th, 2001 was the day a couple of buildings fell down. It doesn't tell you what happened.

When you confess your sins, who you really are, who you have been, and who you never want to be again, you're letting people read the story as it happens. So tomorrow, when you're "praising your Savior all the day long." They'll be in awe and wonder too.

Find it. Maybe just get a blog and start writing it if you have to. Twitter it. Facebook it. Myspace it. The world is full of stories, but the most amazing ones are hidden behind shame and pride. Those are the ones that give God glory though. And what do you have to be proud about... you're dead right?

Imagine all the people...

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so - little ones to Him belong they are weak but He is strong.

We're such dorks. Ok, I guess I shouldn't speak for the rest of the world. I'M such a dork sometimes. I say it and I say it and I say it, and yet I still never really grasp it. Jesus loves me.
It's not about being perfect, being good enough, being holy enough, being mature enough in the faith, or even being a good enough witness.
And I wonder if I'll always have issues with all of those, until I finally grasp the basics. Jesus loves me.
Jesus loves me.
He chose me for His child, He drew me to Him. I didn't become a Christian because I drew near to Christ, but because Christ drew me near to Him. Jesus loves me.

I'll sin and fail, but God forgives and loves with an everlasting love that is not dampened by my stupidity. Nothing can separate me from the love of God. It's easy to focus on how we've failed, or fell even. But God easily looks past that to simply simply love us.

It's so easy it's hard.

In a post that I read recently it said:
"I see myself as under law when I've been bad, because I deserve it, and I see myself as under grace when I've been good, because I've earned it. Totally wrong."

It may not be the easiest thing in the world to hang onto grace and walk in it with freedom and ease... but it doesn't make it any less something we should be doing. Imagine... no really, close your eyes just for a moment (after reading this paragraph of course) what a difference it would make in the world if Christians no longer lived in self-condemnation trying to regain a relationship with a God that never stopped loving us in the first place?

Ok, now imagine it.

Wondering out loud...

Here I am... just wondering out loud again.

In my wonderings though... I'm wondering what the world, the Christian world would be like, if we Christians stopped being sympathetic to each other.

We tend to be a little hard on the world, but entirely sympathetic with each other. Abortion, horrific, homosexuality - perverted, democrats.. just kidding. :)

You get my point though. We take the sins of the world and we make them into these big awful things that you don't want to have touch you, and would never taint your family.

Yet, our churches are full of sin. We gossip, we backbite, we're lazy, we're not good stewards of our money, we're poor employees, we're angry drivers, and we can be easily offended.

And those are the small sins. SMALL ones. Forget the crazy huge things (or at least as we size things, not God) like Jesus saying that if you even think about adultery, you're an adulterer. We don't want to talk about that do we.

But what if we did? What if we got fed up with ourselves (I say that because I'm fed up with me right now) and we said "You know what, SIN is SIN." God doesn't see a size, and I can't allow myself to either. SIN, is in my life, and God help me I want it out.

And we'd say it, we'd scream it, we'd cry it because every little ounce of sin stands between us having the absolutely perfect relationship with God. It holds us back from growth. Grow, grow, grow. Where you at is awesome, now GROW. And even if you're not growing, fertilize, water, whatever it takes to nourish the growth you want to achieve. And I wish the written word could convey the sudden tenderness in my heart as I say it's the growth that God wants you to achieve as well.

Gods will is always exciting and scary. It takes faith. And also a good understanding that God has forgiven you. Every day.

Ok... now when are we, and those around us, going to call our fear to be sin? When are we going to call hanging onto foolish pasts sinful? There are some things that I struggle with - and I get that. There are things that we'll struggle with. But I also know in my own life, that there are some lies, some fears, some doubts, that inside I know are not true but I allow myself to live them out.

I think I'm not good enough so I don't try.

I think I'm not the right person to speak so I don't speak.

I think I'm not wanted so I go away. (And for the record, I'm not talking about my church in this aspect... just wanted to make sure that's clear. My church loves me. I love them. 'Nuff said.)

But too often I think I'm too this, not enough that, worse than so-n-so, not spiritual enough, not whatever

so I don't.

What if our Christian brothers and sisters looked at us when we said those things and said "You know, that isn't true, it's a lie from the devil and acting on it rather than Gods promise to you and His declaration of who you are is a sin."

What if?

I hate cobwebs.

Cobwebs. I hate them. Sticky little suckers, almost invisible if the light isn't hitting them, and entirely too difficult to get rid of. You might try and brush it out of your hair, off your clothes, get that last string off your arm, only to discover just a few minutes later that there's yet another piece sticking to you, or that a line of it had clung to the back of your shirt where you couldn't see it but everyone else behind you could.

Just like sin.

It's a bugs life.

She walked over to me in her pj's, her hair was wet and she was holding her hairbrush in her hand frowning at it. "I found bugs in my hairbrush again Net. Like fifteen of 'em."

Lice.

It's a long hard struggle to get rid of lice. As this young girl can very easily tell you.

The struggle is hardest because unless you get out every single egg, then that one egg will hatch and the entire process will start over again.

Then, even if you got them all out, you might lay down on your bed and your pillow still have bugs. Or maybe the bugs are still where you sat in the car yesterday, and sitting there again today infested you again.

When you have bugs, you have to be constantly diligent to not just make them go away, but make sure they stay away.

It helps, to have someone standing behind you, able to look down on your head and see the bugs. Because when they're attached to you, you rarely see them yourself. You just feel the itch.

After we finished doing as much as we could on this young girls hair, she turned to me, absolutely disheartened that this long standing problem was still a problem. I could only hug her and tell her I was sorry, and that I'd help all I could. She's tired of bugs.

I'm tired of sin.

It's harder to get rid of than lice.

Every time I wash, the sin just keeps creeping back. And if I let it go awhile, the infestation gets exponentially worse. There's nothing more frustrating than this constant battle between spirit and flesh. But I'm glad I've got a Friend that's willing to go through it with me. Willing to help get it all out. A Friend that doesn't get frustrated that I haven't been combing my life for sin every day so that the infestation could be eliminated. He just patiently picks up and starts to work, cleansing and perfecting.

It was the lesson I learned from lice.

I'm sorry God.

This afternoon I happened across a man. In the course of our conversation he informed me that he had a gift for discerning spirits. He then informed me that I wasn't wicked. It made me want to throw dirt on myself. I've always been over dramatic on the inside. I would have loved bible times.

In the stillness, and the quiet of a long busy day (every day that you have 3 kids under 10yrs of age is busy), I've found myself coming to a rest in a broken position.

It didn't mean anything to the rest of the world, no one will ever know what happened, but I failed God this week. I'm ashamed of the details, and I don't ever want to be ashamed.

Even with Gods forgiveness already sought and claimed, I'm painfully disappointed. To the point of a literal ache in my heart. I expect better from myself and I'm sorry I accepted less.

I don't want to write these post too often. I want my posts to be what I've learned about growing, not what I've learned about failing. I've found that even with forgiveness, it's harder for me to walk away from the idea that I failed Him. I find myself wanting to absorb the hurt as a strong reminder to never hit this spot again.

Sin hurts. Going against God, hurts. It makes you sad and leaves you feeling isolated.

I don't suppose my pastor knew he was preaching against me/for me today. I always wonder when that happens, if there was so little going on in the church that God would have nothing better to do than to give sermons to point me out. I would almost rather He didn't. It shames me even more to know He cares enough to speak audibly through someone to me.

It's a crazy world where, of all the things that have happened this week, my greatest sadness is how I failed God. But that's the only kind of world I want to live in.

Thank you for conviction Lord, I'm so sorry.