This afternoon I happened across a man. In the course of our conversation he informed me that he had a gift for discerning spirits. He then informed me that I wasn't wicked. It made me want to throw dirt on myself. I've always been over dramatic on the inside. I would have loved bible times.
In the stillness, and the quiet of a long busy day (every day that you have 3 kids under 10yrs of age is busy), I've found myself coming to a rest in a broken position.
It didn't mean anything to the rest of the world, no one will ever know what happened, but I failed God this week. I'm ashamed of the details, and I don't ever want to be ashamed.
Even with Gods forgiveness already sought and claimed, I'm painfully disappointed. To the point of a literal ache in my heart. I expect better from myself and I'm sorry I accepted less.
I don't want to write these post too often. I want my posts to be what I've learned about growing, not what I've learned about failing. I've found that even with forgiveness, it's harder for me to walk away from the idea that I failed Him. I find myself wanting to absorb the hurt as a strong reminder to never hit this spot again.
Sin hurts. Going against God, hurts. It makes you sad and leaves you feeling isolated.
I don't suppose my pastor knew he was preaching against me/for me today. I always wonder when that happens, if there was so little going on in the church that God would have nothing better to do than to give sermons to point me out. I would almost rather He didn't. It shames me even more to know He cares enough to speak audibly through someone to me.
It's a crazy world where, of all the things that have happened this week, my greatest sadness is how I failed God. But that's the only kind of world I want to live in.
Thank you for conviction Lord, I'm so sorry.