Last night I got the little one to bed, finished up a second conversation with my pastor who is adamantly certain about things I'm not longer adamantly certain about, and then I sat down at my dining room table and got down to basics with God... again.
1. I'm upset that while yes, I have seen and felt some outstandingly amazing things this year, the bad has officially out weighed the good as of Sunday. I've seen more of the devils displays of power than I have of Gods. I want God to balance things out.
2. Just like I told my pastor last night, I'm ok with whatever God wants to throw at me (maying I'm just fooling myself when I say that) as long as it includes His presence. I was scared to death of foster parenting, but I knew God was there and with me so I did it. I was scared to buy a house, but God pointed at the one He wanted and was with me each step of the way, so I did it. At no point in this Christian walk do I want to feel alone. I need His presence. I'm in too deeply over my head to do this without His presence.
3. I'm frustrated with the idea that He's there but you don't always know it. Why would He just duck out and decide to make it feel like He's not there, even if He is? Yes, I know His ways are not our own, but I'm not satisfied with that answer. What kind of person would draw you, compel you into deeper waters and then once you step off a mighty drop off - suddenly hide themselves so they can watch you?
4. I realize I'm placing a lot of my ideas and expectations onto God. He knows things I'll never even begin to imagine are out there to know. He understands things I could never even begin to comprehend. But (go ahead and shake your head every time I say 'but') there has to be something of Him that I grasp. You can't just tell me to trust You, and then be trustworthy except for a horrific time where You throw me off the deep end and disappear. I don't know what to think of You when that happens. It just makes me feel wounded.
5. I'm not satisfied with the answers anymore. Last month I would have repeated the same answers I've primarily heard. But I'm not satisfied with that at all anymore. Walking blindly by faith is one thing, but the first time you slam into a tree you're going to stop and walk more tentatively and feel around you more often before you take a step. And if someone had you by the arm when you slammed into that tree...
6. The decision was clearly made by the end of last night that I do need God. I know I do. And I quite painfully told Him that last night. I can't imagine life without Him - HIM, a relationship with Him, not just the salvation He provides. That said: In all this the new question has become whether or not I'm willing to close my eyes and start walking again.
I don't ever want to slam into this tree again. I'll walk through a lot of things as long as He's holding my hand. But I need to trust He's not going to let go. And unfortunately, the general answer to this - even in my own knowledge, not just what others have been saying - is that if I move forward I'm going to slam into a lot of trees. And when I slam into each tree, there is no guarantee that I won't feel alone. And I don't want to live under the principle that God is great, and things are wonderful --- except for those times that it feels like He's utterly rejected you.
I know I can't set terms and conditions with God. That's not how it works. Though, it seems like that's exactly what this posting is: a set of rules and conditions by which I require God to operate in order for me to press on. I don't excuse myself and say that what I'm doing is necessary. What I do say is that I just don't have it in me to do anything else unless God does something.
I'm broken, and I can't fix myself.