Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Today

I did quit. I quit fighting. And so far it's working out ok.

I quit praying and I started talking to Him. I've rambled on and on until I ended up just sitting there, saying nothing, and for once feeling nothing. It wasn't a good thing, but it was better than feeling bad things which means it was better than where I was before.

In a post awhile back, I told you that I'd failed God. But I never moved on from that. Before I began walking with God I walked in sin. And when I found myself in that sin a couple of weeks ago, I was surprised. Shocked. And the idea came to me that the last few years of walking with God were nothing. I was no better. Not really anyway. Sure, I might say better words, act better, but deep inside where God only sees I was still the same sinful person I was before Him.
In my mind, I know that has to be a lie.
Didn't change how I felt though. Knowing you are still a child of God, and feeling like you're still His are two different things. Just ask the son who left the pig pen to find gainful employment as his fathers servant.

A friend of mine, has given me some great advice but for me, I needed to reverse it. She told me that when you don't know what to do, don't 'freeze' and do nothing, but instead get up and do something even if it turns out to be the wrong way to go - you can fix it, but at least it's movement and sometimes that's all it takes.
I'm sure, later on, maybe even later on this week, I'm going to end up using her advice as she intended, but right now I'm doing the exact opposite. All I've done for the last several years is 'something'. And when I told God I wanted to quit Sunday night, I realize now - looking at the last couple of days - that I really did. I quit fighting. I went limp and it's been up to God to either carry me or leave me behind. I wasn't going to make it through this on my own.

Maybe the little improvement I've seen has come because when I stopped praying, He seems to have raised up people to pray for me. If that's the case, thank you.

Of many things going through my mind today, I feel like I've received a reality check from God. I'm only saved because of His ability to keep me saved. It's certainly not because of my own ability or faith or resolve of mind. I'm good with that. I just appreciate that He's tried to keep me.
I wouldn't have kept me.

Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:21

8 comments:

NaNcY said...

God is sooooooooo good! i will p.r.y todya...not pry into your business today, but Pray For You today. cute huh! Lots of God Love!

NaNcY said...

you know, i am still thinking about you, girl. sometimes i think that all of us try too hard. to hard at all the things that we have to do, to hard at wondering what God wants us to do...and sometimes i think the best thing to do is take one step...and then another...and trust in God to lead us. sometimes when we are in a bad part of the path we just need to close our eyes and let our selves be lead by the only one that matters. and if you really love anyone...the best thing to do is to give them to God... it does not mean that you do not care, or that it would not absolutely kill you if anything happened to anyone that you love, it is that opposite God thing, it means that you care about them too much to put them into anyone's hands but God's hands. we can not cover all the bases by ourselves, no matter how much we feel we need to.

NaNcY said...

another thouht
we should not expect no trouble
put again
we should expect trouble
in life
why would we expect anything less than trouble from life?
we are not in control
but God is in control and you belong to Him
yes
you belong to Him...right?
ok...that is what i like to hear!
a big straight yes!
we can also expect something else
that we are in God's hands
that is part of the deal
and we have to let go
of being in control
that is also part of the deal
and how, you might ask,
do we do that?
every moment of every day until He comes for us.
we can not live
in fear
yes, that is pretty important
we can not
live
in
fear.
that is what the enemy wants.
true.
emeny = fear
very simple on paper.
but
lived out
every moment
of every day
constant
never done
until death
giving over our fear
our control
our loves
our self
trust
God = love
trust in that
and no matter how bad things
look
you are in good hands

and i hate the days that it is such a stuggle
but
God has a plan
and His plan
is better
than ours
forever
and always

NaNcY said...

i have to tell you...i am a hold-er on-er. and i have to do the give it over prayer quite often!

One Sided said...

With all of the hope you have for others? In all of your desires for others to succeed in their relationship with God. In all of the hopes that you have for the promised and unrealized. In all of the expectations that you have.
You withhold that for yourself?

You are already a child of GOd, you need no longer worry about or work for His love, it is already yours.
There is nothing you need do. Except , accept.

Anonymous said...

Hold fast, dear. I know what you're going through in a small way. Don't let go but do let the prayers of others hold you, too. Psalm 23

Jennifer

Mark H said...

God's covenant with us, with YOU, is amazing. The weight of covenant is somewhat lost on us today. We don't fully comprehend the term. But He made a blood covenant with us that CANNOT be broken. Jesus became man to satisfy our requirements in the covenant on our behalf. This covenant is truly unbreakable and doesn't depend on us being able to satisfy its requirements. We're not talking about a relationship that He will walk away from when we mess up or when keeping the relationship isn't so much fun as at other times. We're talking about a covenant. An unbreakable promise. An unbreakable bond. No mere marriage of convenience. Made by God himself. With YOU. With me.

I'll be finding some bread and a little grape juice again today and partaking of that covenant with you. Why not join me?
Simply thanking Jesus that He made an UNBREAKABLE covenant relationship between us and the Father who loves us so much that He sent Jesus to fulfil the covenant on our behalf.

Rahab said...

I've failed God. I've sinned badly and repeatedly. But the reality is that the love God has for you does not depend on you and your ability to walk in His ways. It's His love for you that enables you to walk before HIm.

Jesus bore the penalty of every sin that you ever have or ever will commit. That means that the Father's love for you is unbroken no matter what you do. He is so for you and wants to help you. It's our emotions that keep us from being able to receive His love.

My pastor gave me a great definition of Grace - it is God's powerful presence in your life that enables you to be who He has called you to be and that enables you to do what He has called you to do.

You did whatever it was you did. You can't change that, but once you repented for it, God forgot it. He doesn't remember it. Don't let the enemy convince you to build a monument to it and drag you out to remind you of it everytime you make progress in drawing near to the Lord.