I quit praying and I started talking to Him. I've rambled on and on until I ended up just sitting there, saying nothing, and for once feeling nothing. It wasn't a good thing, but it was better than feeling bad things which means it was better than where I was before.
In a post awhile back, I told you that I'd failed God. But I never moved on from that. Before I began walking with God I walked in sin. And when I found myself in that sin a couple of weeks ago, I was surprised. Shocked. And the idea came to me that the last few years of walking with God were nothing. I was no better. Not really anyway. Sure, I might say better words, act better, but deep inside where God only sees I was still the same sinful person I was before Him.
In my mind, I know that has to be a lie.
Didn't change how I felt though. Knowing you are still a child of God, and feeling like you're still His are two different things. Just ask the son who left the pig pen to find gainful employment as his fathers servant.
A friend of mine, has given me some great advice but for me, I needed to reverse it. She told me that when you don't know what to do, don't 'freeze' and do nothing, but instead get up and do something even if it turns out to be the wrong way to go - you can fix it, but at least it's movement and sometimes that's all it takes.
I'm sure, later on, maybe even later on this week, I'm going to end up using her advice as she intended, but right now I'm doing the exact opposite. All I've done for the last several years is 'something'. And when I told God I wanted to quit Sunday night, I realize now - looking at the last couple of days - that I really did. I quit fighting. I went limp and it's been up to God to either carry me or leave me behind. I wasn't going to make it through this on my own.
Maybe the little improvement I've seen has come because when I stopped praying, He seems to have raised up people to pray for me. If that's the case, thank you.
Of many things going through my mind today, I feel like I've received a reality check from God. I'm only saved because of His ability to keep me saved. It's certainly not because of my own ability or faith or resolve of mind. I'm good with that. I just appreciate that He's tried to keep me.
I wouldn't have kept me.
Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:21