I wish you could hear it. I really wish you could hear this. It's the sigh. And it's the best sigh ever.
I'm horrible at making up. I have a good memory, and while I don't like to think I hold grudges, I find it very very difficult to fight with someone and then step back into the friendly role I might have been in before the fight. So it was with God also.
Turning back to God was more spoken word than anything actually felt. I knew I needed to do it, wanted to do it, but honestly, didn't know how to do it. It's coming back after losing. He says 'this is who I am." (note the period at the end of the sentence). It's not up for negotiation, it's not up for me to put my conditions, and it's not up to Him to change to make me happy. "This is who I am." I either accept it, or don't. And I didn't. It's like losing the argument with a spouse over the ugly chair the husband wants to keep. One person is going to have to carry on NOT having gotten what they wanted.
How to be happy, and loving anyway?
That's what I didn't know.
So tonight came the return of something I haven't done in about a month. Maybe even longer. The song service in my living room. I wish you could have been there. By the end, I was asking God for all the things I've been asking for so long. At the very end I asked, please, could He just remind me somehow of His love.
Immediately "Ephesians 2:13"
I don't know what it says, so I drop everything and grab for the nearest bible. New Living Translation.
I dropped to my knees.
"But now you belong to Christ Jesus. Though you once were far away from God, now you have been brought near to him because of the blood of Christ. "
But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. (NIV)
But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ. (KJV)
But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. (NAS)
It sounds good no matter what translation I find. What followed can only be described as a lightening of the load. My heart feels lighter. I don't remember feeling like I couldn't breathe before, but now it seems the air I'm breathing is cooler, more refreshing, lighter. It's hard to describe.
I probably scarred my little girl a little more as I wept and spoke in tongues as I dried her off and got her ready for bed. Finally getting some control I began happily saying over and over that Jesus loves her, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves us. Bedtime prayers took a little longer as she was at least patient while I pled the blood over her mom, her dad, and their marriage, their home, her future, her training, her relationship with Christ... I get long winded when I'm excited.
And that's exactly what it was. Excitement. I've felt so awful, for so long...
I'm not there yet. I still see the holding back on my part. I don't know how to get past it except to continue praying my way through it all. I found my piece of acceptance. I may need some more, but I've got a start again. And that's going to get me through the night.
But I wish you could hear this sigh.