Monday, September 24, 2007

The breath of a sigh

I wish you could hear it. I really wish you could hear this. It's the sigh. And it's the best sigh ever.

I'm horrible at making up. I have a good memory, and while I don't like to think I hold grudges, I find it very very difficult to fight with someone and then step back into the friendly role I might have been in before the fight. So it was with God also.

Turning back to God was more spoken word than anything actually felt. I knew I needed to do it, wanted to do it, but honestly, didn't know how to do it. It's coming back after losing. He says 'this is who I am." (note the period at the end of the sentence). It's not up for negotiation, it's not up for me to put my conditions, and it's not up to Him to change to make me happy. "This is who I am." I either accept it, or don't. And I didn't. It's like losing the argument with a spouse over the ugly chair the husband wants to keep. One person is going to have to carry on NOT having gotten what they wanted.
How to be happy, and loving anyway?
That's what I didn't know.

So tonight came the return of something I haven't done in about a month. Maybe even longer. The song service in my living room. I wish you could have been there. By the end, I was asking God for all the things I've been asking for so long. At the very end I asked, please, could He just remind me somehow of His love.

Immediately "Ephesians 2:13"

I don't know what it says, so I drop everything and grab for the nearest bible. New Living Translation.

I dropped to my knees.

"But now you belong to Christ Jesus. Though you once were far away from God, now you have been brought near to him because of the blood of Christ. "

But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. (NIV)

But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ. (KJV)

But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. (NAS)

It sounds good no matter what translation I find. What followed can only be described as a lightening of the load. My heart feels lighter. I don't remember feeling like I couldn't breathe before, but now it seems the air I'm breathing is cooler, more refreshing, lighter. It's hard to describe.

I probably scarred my little girl a little more as I wept and spoke in tongues as I dried her off and got her ready for bed. Finally getting some control I began happily saying over and over that Jesus loves her, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves us. Bedtime prayers took a little longer as she was at least patient while I pled the blood over her mom, her dad, and their marriage, their home, her future, her training, her relationship with Christ... I get long winded when I'm excited.

And that's exactly what it was. Excitement. I've felt so awful, for so long...

I'm not there yet. I still see the holding back on my part. I don't know how to get past it except to continue praying my way through it all. I found my piece of acceptance. I may need some more, but I've got a start again. And that's going to get me through the night.

But I wish you could hear this sigh.


SLW said...

God bless you. God doesn't promise us happiness, but peace. May you be blessed with peace.

One Sided said...


Anonymous said...

we are together in God's Grace. forever in His Love and Grace.
beyond our understandig is God's Love for us.

Hold on to us, Lord God. Never let us go.

Anonymous said...

a song for God

Anonymous said...

somethings coming...i can feel it along with you today!

i have no words
and my mouth is open
i am holdin my breath
what is this
what is this that is coming

hold on
because i think the Holy Spirit
is going to....

i don't know

but i almost want to giggle and cry.
delight and fear.
only good, because God is Good and God is God.

is this what you are getting at all?!

flyawaynet said...

You described it perfectly Nancy.

Mark H said...

With you still. And VERY happy.

I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38)

And Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness for forty days, being tempted by the devil. And he ate nothing during those days. And when they were ended, he was hungry.
(Luke 4:1–3 ESV)

And Jesus returned in the power of the Spirit to Galilee
(Luke 4:14 ESV)

Anonymous said...

it is time to jump and sing...let's dance to this one!

yes! here we go!

Praise God!!!!!!

here comes the wind of the HOLY Spirit!

Mark H said...

NaNcY, you're infectious :-D

SLW said...

Here's a posting that may have something you need right now:
Living Out of Your Spirit.

Hope you check it out and that it helps. God bless, little sis from Texas.

flyawaynet said...

Thank you sounds bland. But I don't know what else to do unless I stop and actually write a post telling you all how much I've appreciated your comments, links, videos, prayers.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

what to do now...
so exciting!

tell God what you have been needing and wanting and worrying about...ask Him to define it so that you can talk to Him about it and give it over.

ask for forgiveness
accept forgiveness

and ask -big time- for Him to take the desires and things... and to fill that space with His Holy Spirit so that all that can be met through Him.

i know, i know
you know this already...

but, just do it

every day.

in the morning before little one wakes up if you can.


Anonymous said...

don't mind me...i'm just a pushy old lady sometimes

SLW said...

Have you checked out Chet Swearingen's latest post?

flyawaynet said...

Yes! I did see that post. It really surprised me. He nailed a lot of the reasons to be quiet, right on the head. That's actually why I quit posting and talking about it. I figured I'd just get through it on my own.