Sunday, September 16, 2007

Still....

I'm sorry. You read my blog and you've probably come to expect certain things from me. I expect certain things from me. And after a solid week of messed up, troubled blogging you'd think I'd be done by now. I'm not. So feel free to change the channel if you like. This is my walk - even if I'm not exactly walking right now.


I don't know what to do next. I can't say there are very many times in my life where I ground to a halt and said "What now?"

But I'm stopped, here, at an awful place. And nothing I've done has worked. No prayer has lifted this sadness, broken this wall or brought me back to life. And I have been praying.

This hurts. It's like there's a spirit of sadness that I just can't break through. I've tried to straighten things out with God, only to find that I'm not very good at making up. There's a wall there between us that I just can't figure out how to bring down. And I am finally trying.

Someone offered to come and sit and talk and pray with me. And as I later considered it (a sign of desperation on my part that I'd even consider it) I realized I don't know what to say. I don't know how to explain this mess. I can't seem to think too far past this cloud of emotion. It hurts.

I've been troubled before, all tangled up with problems and worries. But usually at the same time there's anger and fight. This time there is none. That's the most startling thing of all.

7 comments:

NaNcY said...

there is a lady in my bible study group that called me when i was having some problems. she talked for awhile and before she was going to hang up, she said, can i pray for you, and i managed a yes, and then she prayed a really nice prayer that really encouraged me. she did not put it off, she just jumped right in there.

well, the study group started up again for the fall, and she was not there, they announced that she was getting some tests because there is a good chance that soon she will have heart surgery. so i called her, talked for awhile, and before i hung up, i asked her if i could pray for her, she managed a yes, and i jumped right in.

it is a blessig to have someone else do the praying sometimes.

Mark H said...

Take your friend up on their offer.

God knows what's going on better than you do and He's quite capable of inspiring your friend to pray what needs to be, without your prior explanation!

He's bigger than you, any of us, think. He loves you, all of us, more than you, we, can possibly imagine!

Maybe it's important that you learn what it is to be still, instead of putting God in the box that is an activity-filled lifestyle? There's a tremendous blessing to be had in being still and many of us never slow down enough to discover it.

NaNcY said...

i expect that you........no...hum. no expectations! i went to the friends church yesterday. my 10 year old wanted to go, because she wanted to see her good friend there. her friend was not there, oh well. i went into the service while she was in her class. good fellowship with God.

Mikey's God Talk said...

Fylawaynet: Please take a look at my recent posts on my blog. praying for you!

SLW said...

Jeannette,
Forget about the sadness. You've done what you can to lift it, but to no avail. As sweet as the presence of the Lord is, we walk by faith and not sight. Our walk cannot be based upon a continual feeling, i.e. a sensory perception, of the Lord's presence with us, but on what we believe. Here is the genius and beauty of the gospel, it stands or falls on the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth. It's a historical fact, not subject to our feelings, nor our guilt, nor even our resentments. It either happened or it didn't, faith must choose which. Did Jesus rise from the dead? If yes, than regardless of what we feel, we hold on to that, call him Lord, and wait for him to come and calm the storm. What else are we going to do? Where else can we go? He has the words of eternal life, and we can't let go, no matter how mad or how sad or how frustrated or even how exhausted we may be.

You are having a Gethsemane experience. You are led into a situation in which you have no control over, and it will hurt and test your faith. We not only get to rise with Christ, but we also get to experience Gethsemane with him.

Yield yourself to this cross and trust God to raise you on the day of his choosing.

Mark H said...

Hi!

How's things?

No post for a few days. You okay?

Mark

NaNcY said...

still...thinking about you, kiddo.

i pray, in Jesus, and give you to God's care. amen