I'm sorry. You read my blog and you've probably come to expect certain things from me. I expect certain things from me. And after a solid week of messed up, troubled blogging you'd think I'd be done by now. I'm not. So feel free to change the channel if you like. This is my walk - even if I'm not exactly walking right now.
I don't know what to do next. I can't say there are very many times in my life where I ground to a halt and said "What now?"
But I'm stopped, here, at an awful place. And nothing I've done has worked. No prayer has lifted this sadness, broken this wall or brought me back to life. And I have been praying.
This hurts. It's like there's a spirit of sadness that I just can't break through. I've tried to straighten things out with God, only to find that I'm not very good at making up. There's a wall there between us that I just can't figure out how to bring down. And I am finally trying.
Someone offered to come and sit and talk and pray with me. And as I later considered it (a sign of desperation on my part that I'd even consider it) I realized I don't know what to say. I don't know how to explain this mess. I can't seem to think too far past this cloud of emotion. It hurts.
I've been troubled before, all tangled up with problems and worries. But usually at the same time there's anger and fight. This time there is none. That's the most startling thing of all.