I've read all your words. Several of you I've read your words over and over again. Thank you for the words of encouragement, words of kindness, and especially the word from the Holy Spirit about knowing Gods will and not assuming it. I needed to receive that message. I suppose that is obvious though.
My pastor was the one that referred me back to my own words in his comment. His was the anonymous one. The link he didn't know how to post was to this. He wasn't the only one this weekend to remind me of my own words though.
I'm holding onto something. Well, not a 'thing' but me. I blogged recently about the allegedly dead man that I'm dragging around with me but I guess I didn't read my own post. I don't know what it is I'm holding onto but Saturday night I sat down with God and told Him how it felt something important and deep was being ripped away from me and that it was killing me. I literally got on my knees and told Him I couldn't do it.
He responded, plain as day by asking me what I wanted Him to do.
Out of no where, I responded that I wanted Him to make crucifying my flesh easier.
He didn't respond again that night quite technically, but as soon as I said that He brought to my remembrance something I'd just recently said on this blog. I'd said: "Sacrifice, dying to self, crucifying the flesh those aren't things that are done easily or simply because you woke up and said a prayer. I just can't believe that. "
I've said a lot of things on this blog. 2 years and 2 days and 547 posts. And let me tell you, I'm full of hot air. And that is putting it kindly. Not to say I believe I was wrong in what I said, it's not that at all... it's simply that saying all the things I say, and practicing all the things I say, are two entirely different things.
I don't want to quit. Not really. But something has to give.
I'm seeing demonic faces, literal beings. And to be honest they absolutely freak me out. I'm ok with seeing good visions, stick me in the sea, paddling with a toothpick any day. But those have stopped and all I see are bad things now. I need these things to leave. I need these things to leave. I need these things to leave. I need peace.
In all of this... I make another confession. Mark warned me about introspection, but I'm afraid it was all I was good for today. As I was thinking I again repeated a thought I've put on my blog "Somethings gotta give". I just said it a moment ago even, if you look up and reread. But that last time I meant it the right way. Before, honestly, I was saying it blindly wishing for circumstances, attitudes, people around me to give. I expected the change to come from all around me. I've failed in the one place that truly needs to change. Me.
I could have spent all weekend flipping out over a job or my little one, but instead I flipped out over God. When it was all boiled down, the stupid things around me that I've made so important - they just weren't important anymore. For the last 72 hours, all I've really deep down wanted to know was that God was still there, still loved me, and still had room for me.
I'm not there yet. Not even close.
I happened across more of my own words today.