Thursday, September 20, 2007

A clanging cymbal

I need to die.
I'm talking murder, not suicide. The I in me needs to die and die and die again, until finally Christ has my heart to Himself.

I've seen things in myself that I never realized before. I've seen that I've been blind in certain ways towards other people. And in that blindness came judgement, and a hardening of my heart. It's been there all this time. All this time and I never realized it.

I've seen that my passion and excitement has not been - completely - a good thing. By allowing it too much reign in my life, I've plowed through many occasions where humility and meekness was an absolute necessity.

I've seen, physically seen, warriors sitting in our church pews. And they weren't the least bit angelic. They were simple people, struggling with problems, and cares. Some were overweight, some sleepy, some distracted, and some young enough to be overlooked as young David once was, before he murdered a giant. But they were warriors all the same. Dangerous when necessary but in ways that are too often overlooked. Overlooked. Not seen. Blind to.

By failing to rule over my passion and excitement for movement, I allowed it to blind my eyes and deafen my ears to the sensitive and very quiet things God may have whispered.

I wonder now, if this piercing sadness is simply Gods method of breaking through to quiet me.

I feel sickened at what I've seen in me. I've done harm. And I did it all in a blaze of passion in His name.

I didn't love.


Anonymous said...

me too.

been there, done that, got the t-shirt!...many times.

how to balance out wanting the passion and excitement with the sensitive and quiet things. i think that the Spirit kind of melds these together within us over time.

love you.

good post

Mark H said...

Great post.

I think this is an almost daily struggle for anybody who is full of passion and vision. It certainly is for me.

A huge blessing for me was learning how to be still in God's presence. Some call it "waiting", some call it "soaking". King David learnt to simply rest in God quietly and receive from God a renewing of His strength like soaring on eagle's wings.

I HAVE TO regularly still myself with the help of some quieter worship music and invite Holy Spirit's presence in faith, bringing the blessings of the Father and the Son.

Only then can I see the things He wants me to see, instead of seeing things the way I want to see them. Only then do important details not slip through the cracks created by my business.

I believe there's a spiritual impartation at these times too. "Deep calls to deep". My spirit is ministered to by God's spirit. Sometimes I have received supernatural strength when I've been resting in God. Sometimes I've entered into amazing visions. Sometimes I've even been physically healed.

I'm learning that burn-out and that sense of feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from God, comes when this sort of time gets oiked out of my routine by my business.

Jesus told the disciples when he commissioned them to freely give what they had freely received. If we don't spend time to freely receive then we run on empty and cannot freely give.

When the disciples were terrified in the storm, what was Jesus doing? All we know is that He appeared to be sleeping. But I wonder if He may have been doing something that He regularly disciplined Himself to do - to rest in His Father. They disturbed Him from this time of rest and what did He do? He released that inner state of rest into the situation around Him - He released rest and the wind and the waves subsided.

God's work in us is always inside-out and never outside-in. Why not give Him a fresh opportunity today? Rest in Him.

One Sided said...

You were no place we have not all been. And I hate to break it to you but you will be there again.

Sometimes we are sent ahead to scout or test the waters or clear the path. Sometimes we are sent in to work, just work. Sometimes we are sent in to lead and at other times we are to follow.

Sometimes we forget which role we are to be filling.

And at other times, as the saying goes it is hard to remember your primary objective was to drain the swamp, when you are up to your waist in aligators.

Anonymous said...

yes, i am old and you are young. but, i am still learning. and God teaches me things through you. it does not matter who we are, we all can learn from God working in each of us. clanging or quiet, old or young, we just need to keep looking to God, and loving and accepting eachother. you are very loving and accepting.