I've got a long ways to go.
But this is the best it's been in many, many days.
Ironically enough, I'm feeling better because more bad things have happened. Things just seem to get worse and worse and worse and worse and I don't care. I simply don't care.
I can see during the last few weeks, especially as my job ended, that I took up the reigns and said "I can do this." There is no problem saying "I can do it", the problem came when I took up the reigns.
When I stepped up to be in charge I took a leadership role, and unfortunately, in my vast emptiness of wisdom, I decided He didn't measure up. He wasn't doing His job. I've defended that stance, and everyone around me has been too nice to slap me.
I still don't understand. I don't. I don't get why prayers don't get answered. I don't get why you don't always feel He's there. I don't get why mountains don't move.
I saw someone else do the same thing I've been doing. And I saw the ripple of pain and frustration that it caused all around them. And I wondered how many ripples I've caused. Ripples are small, not necessarily life changing. But I don't want to be the ripple that brings someone else just a bit more discouragement.
It's hard to even that up with feeling hurt though. And as one friend warned me, I shouldn't be disrespectful to God, no matter how I feel. But, I don't know how to be anything else but plain gut honest with God. He's reading my mind so I can't really hide my possible error, even if I manage not to voice it. So, here goes.
I love you Father. And I need You, pitifully so. I'm lost, tired, and sad. Today, with the idea of coming back to You and apologizing, despite being hard to accept - it's been the only thing that gave me hope.
I've complained about You. I've tried to bend You to what I believe my needs are. When You didn't bend, it's almost as though an unspoken ultimatum was issued. I shouldn't have done that, but I still hate the idea that I can't count on always feeling You're there. I saw demons God, demons, and I couldn't see You. You scared me.
I'd rather You slay me. It's easier to say "You could slay me and I'll trust You" than, I'll live through tomorrow. Death is victory. Living through tomorrow, unsure of what You or the devil is going to do next... that takes a lot more faith than death.
But, officially, I'm going to put the reigns down. I'm crawling back into the back seat again and if you drive me off a cliff, or let the devil drive me mad, then it's on You. You're in charge. If I put everything I've got into Your hands, and I crash and burn, it's Your reputation. It's Your promises that will be called into question. Not me.
I'm scared though. I don't know what tomorrow or the next few weeks are going to hold. And I see a lot of opportunity for me to fail at 'putting everything I've got into Your hands". So I'm going to ask You for something. I want to feel Your love again. I don't want to doubt that.
I want more faith. Because this month has proved I don't quite have enough.
I wish I had more time with You.
I can't make things right God. But I'm here, and I'm all in. Help me with the rest.