Sunday, September 09, 2007

I quit.

I'm losing my mind, literally seeing things, and my mind just won't stop ripping me apart. So I came home from church, parked myself in a chair and I told God I quit. I can't take one more thing. Not one. There is no peace, there is no rest, there is no single moment when the things I'm seeing, and the words I'm hearing back off.

So I tried to envision what quitting looked like. It means sending my little one away. I can't do that. I could not take in any more kids, but I can't send her away, I have to see it through to the end.
It would mean quitting my church. I can't do that either.

It means an end to most of the songs I sing, music I listen to, books I read, and thoughts I think. It means an end to my very purpose in life.

I can't leave Him, because there is no where else to go.

He's suppose to protect me though, and it feels like all hell has broke loose to focus on me.

I just can't stand this.

11 comments:

Louie said...

Thanks for the honest post, I don't think there's one single believer out there who can't relate to what you've written.

So please don't quit! Just keep going, God is there and you'll see Him when He knows you are ready too.

God bless you, I'll be praying for you!

NaNcY said...

hey there jen, (is it ok to call you jen?) just keep giving it over to God, in you heart. He will take it from you, but first, you must give it all over for Him to carry. over and over again...it is a life long thing...the giving over. or else it builds up in our worry and care luggage and it gets pretty heavy to carry alone. don't quit...just give it up.

lots of love
n

NaNcY said...

i know..easy for me to say.
i heard that! ;-)

Mark H said...

Hey there!

How I WISH that you were local and I could come over to see you with my wife Sue. We'd just sit and listen and weep and pray. We wouldn't pretend to have all the answers. If you have local friends like that then now's the time to impose on them and go see them - don't wait for them, go and impose on them, they love you. If you're reading this blog and you know Flyawaynet then now's the time to go see her, not to try to have the answers, but just to be a friend.

My prayer time is pencilled in for a little later this morning, and I will be praying for you, but as soon as I read this post I felt to offer something similar to NaNcY (before I read her comment). Holy Spirit prodded me to gently prod you to consider the line between knowing His will and assuming His will. I'm not going to presume to be terribly good at knowing that line myself. But please just do that terribly difficult thing and drop all the pieces, all the options, all the aspirations, all that's dear, on His altar, like Abraham did with Isaac. And listen to His voice. This is not something you can do in ten minutes. It will take time and it will be emotionally difficult. It will take time to tune into His voice when everything is so emotional too. But you will hear Him as you go through the process. It may take several days. You need to have somebody you can talk things through with during this time so that you don't become overly introspective and so that you can find His voice amongst all the other voices. GRAB somebody you trust and don't worry about imposing on them.

The important thing is not to bottle it up before Him and try to say only the right things. Let go! I can't count the number of times He's let me walk right up to Him, beat my fists on His chest in frustration, and sound off about all that seemed unfair at the time. He's an amazing Father. And sometimes when I've done that, clarity has come so clearly and so quickly (though I'm not always ready to accept what's said).

I really believe that our God is both loving and sovereign. It is His desire to lead you into an even better place than the place you thought were in before. I really believe that when circumstances face us that it is only because it is heaven's conviction that we can come through victorious - not simply surviving the circumstance, but emerging into a better place. Look at Job. Look at how his life from that episode onwards was mightily blessed. Look at Jesus. He was thrust into the wilderness by the Spirit (doesn't seem that even He had much choice). Before the wilderness experience He knew that He was loved by the Father and He had received Holy Spirit. But it wasn't until after the wilderness experience that He was full of the POWER of Holy Spirit and ready to start His Father's ministry - and Satan was defeated and humiliated.

Let go of everything except Him. He loves YOU more than anything that you do.

Anonymous said...

I found this great post don't know how to link it to you. It was writen Friday July 27 2006. It was titled What If. If you will look in your archives you will find it. If you will look in your archives you will also find a young lady who has been where you are now and has overcame to be where you are now.You are not alone the enemy is out to destroy us all. Now is not the time for giving up its time for holding on. We are in special prayer for you. My wife and I

NaNcY said...

yes, give up! i think you should. Give up the worry, give it to God...Give up the lies, the anger, the fear! Give it right up. But, never, never never give up your trust in God! He is the one that will see you and all of the rest of it through.

Mikey's God Talk said...

Me too! Why, I m about to be fifty my wife and I are split, she will not even speak to me, I am without a church family, I have no money..... No wait, Jesus in the garden wanted to quit. He prayed "Take this cup from me" Three times, but He did not quit, Not even when God forsook Him on the cross. So can we quit, I think not!!

Mikey's God Talk said...

Me too! Why, I m about to be fifty my wife and I are split, she will not even speak to me, I am without a church family, I have no money..... No wait, Jesus in the garden wanted to quit. He prayed "Take this cup from me" Three times, but He did not quit, Not even when God forsook Him on the cross. So can we quit, I think not!!

Sista Cala said...

I have been following your blog for a short while, praying for you w/o commenting. Common cliches won't bring consolation. Only the manifest presence of God can bring you peace during this sort of assault. You have within you the Holy Spirit and all of His power. You have the Word of God that is the weapon used by Jesus Himself when he was tried by satan. My prayer is for God to manifest Himself to you in a way similar to the cloud that led the Israelites by day and the pillar of fire that was present at night. His presence served as a buffer from the onslaught of Pharoah's army and as a compass guide to their promised future. He is your Light and your Sheild.

NaNcY said...

so many people that care about you...and it is ok to give a little advice...but, cala is right, the best thing we can do for you is lift you up to God.

Lincoln said...

I've been there Jen, and I'm still there.

I'm trying to find my way back, but it does disturb me that whenever I meditate on the things of God, I can't help but get bitter and sarcastic about it. God being there for you when you need Him most? Yeah right. Sometimes I feel like it's all a bunch of crap to me.

Deep down though I know there's a deeper truth to why I endure the trials I do, and it's not because God hates me or doesn't care. maybe someday my heart will begin to finally know what my mind has known all along. And if there's hope for me, there's certainly hope for you. :-)