To clarify, before anyone says anything - I don't think you're a weak person for being depressed. Period.
I know someone who is struggling with depression brought on by grief of losing a loved one a year and a half ago. They're so weak and tired that they can hardly get out of bed in the morning. There's no reason, no motivation, and simply sheer weariness at the idea of moving/going/doing. They're too tired.
They're depressed.
(Please know dear friends, it's not as cut and dry as I'm making it, and having felt even a speckle of grief myself, I know there is a canyon more that I'm leaving unsaid.)
And as I listened to my new friend as she asked for prayer and confessed her struggles, one scripture popped into my mind: "The joy of the Lord is my strength"
I came home, and searched my Bible for the full scripture fully expecting to find it within the book of Psalms. It just sounds like a David thing to say. But that's not where I found it.
Instead I found it within the pages of Nehemiah. Nehemiah chapter 8 verse 10
Ezra reads the law to Israel and they understand how grievously they, and their forefathers have transgressed that law and the people began to weep and mourn. but Nehemiah and Ezra and the Levites teaching the law to the people said "Don't weep or mourn". Then Nehemiah says the words in verse 10: "Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our LORD. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
I expected the verse to be in Psalms because it just sounds like something that should be in a praise song. But instead, it's surrounded by mourning, weeping, and grieved souls.
2nd Corinthians 12:10 is one of many that uses the statement of weak people being strong: Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. And I like those verses in connection with the "joy of the Lord is our strength" because it's not about WE are strong. But it's about Paul being weak in body but still going about his Masters business. Because the Master provides strength for the day. Paul wasn't strong enough to survive everything he was put through - no one would be. No one in their right mind/body sings praise songs after being whipped and chained into a prison cell. But by Gods strength something different came from it than what Paul could do in his human strength.
It doesn't seem right or good to tell someone grieving that the joy of the Lord is their strength - but when you're at your weakest, when you begin to stand up in God from the moment you wake up and have to force yourself out of bed, to the moment you have to crawl into that empty bed at night, at the end of the day you'll know you got through that day because of a strength other than your own.
It's bitter/sweet words, I know. I'm sorry, so deeply sorry for the suffering she and so many others are facing right at this moment, but there is strength in joy. And I pray you all find a way to walk in that joy today, tomorrow, and the next until you can't imagine any other way.
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Silence
I'm one of those people that tends to think they're unique. My feelings are unique, my hurts are unique, my thoughts are unique, my fears are unique.
I'm sure you're not like that. I'm sure I'm the only one that feels that way.
Or perhaps every single one of you feels that same way.
But I wonder if it's not true where God is concerned. Each of us have our own unique relationship with Him. We relate in different ways, struggle with different things, and all of us just respond to life, and God, differently.
Last week I struggled to rebound after the sudden jolt I had from a happy and fun time, to the stark reminder of the reality of my moms disease and my dads decisions. Suddenly I became quiet. I was quiet because sometimes when I talked I started crying again even if the subject was as inconsequential as dinner rolls. So I spent a few days trying not to think, talk, and especially not cry.
On Sunday morning I stayed home from church and in an empty house I began doing dishes. And it made me cry again. And I finally said what I needed to say to God. I didn't know what to say until that very moment, but suddenly it just flowed out and I spoke and I cried. It hurt.
I recognize, that you don't know me. The crazy influx of readers that have begun stopping by my blog.... some of you are old friends, but most of you are strangers. So keep reading and I'll get to the part that is about you eh?
Sunday morning, I told God I needed something that was simply an impossible request for me, and even as I asked it I knew it was impossible.
And then, as my family was about to return home I left and spent the day around town just passing time. And all day long I absolutely, positively, felt His comforting presence.
So while I didn't know what I was praying for, what I needed, I received exactly that. God could have sent a person along, but my comfort doesn't come from people. It doesn't come from physical actions or words... oh sure, those things are comforting, but nothing like the comfort that God can bring.
It's too easy for us to look for worldly comfort, physical comfort, things of this world to comfort you. But God truly wants us to find our comfort in Him. And when we ask Him for that comfort, I believe He will come through.
I didn't wax eloquent with my words, I didn't say "Lord," or solemnly close with "In Jesus name, Amen".
I just cried out.
And He heard my cry.
He WILL do the same for you. He will see you through the dark nights when the money isn't there, the test results aren't good, and when the boss announces that there are layoffs coming. All you have to do is open your mouth and say the words in your heart. He can hear you even when you whisper.
I'm sure you're not like that. I'm sure I'm the only one that feels that way.
Or perhaps every single one of you feels that same way.
But I wonder if it's not true where God is concerned. Each of us have our own unique relationship with Him. We relate in different ways, struggle with different things, and all of us just respond to life, and God, differently.
Last week I struggled to rebound after the sudden jolt I had from a happy and fun time, to the stark reminder of the reality of my moms disease and my dads decisions. Suddenly I became quiet. I was quiet because sometimes when I talked I started crying again even if the subject was as inconsequential as dinner rolls. So I spent a few days trying not to think, talk, and especially not cry.
On Sunday morning I stayed home from church and in an empty house I began doing dishes. And it made me cry again. And I finally said what I needed to say to God. I didn't know what to say until that very moment, but suddenly it just flowed out and I spoke and I cried. It hurt.
I recognize, that you don't know me. The crazy influx of readers that have begun stopping by my blog.... some of you are old friends, but most of you are strangers. So keep reading and I'll get to the part that is about you eh?
Sunday morning, I told God I needed something that was simply an impossible request for me, and even as I asked it I knew it was impossible.
And then, as my family was about to return home I left and spent the day around town just passing time. And all day long I absolutely, positively, felt His comforting presence.
So while I didn't know what I was praying for, what I needed, I received exactly that. God could have sent a person along, but my comfort doesn't come from people. It doesn't come from physical actions or words... oh sure, those things are comforting, but nothing like the comfort that God can bring.
It's too easy for us to look for worldly comfort, physical comfort, things of this world to comfort you. But God truly wants us to find our comfort in Him. And when we ask Him for that comfort, I believe He will come through.
I didn't wax eloquent with my words, I didn't say "Lord," or solemnly close with "In Jesus name, Amen".
I just cried out.
And He heard my cry.
He WILL do the same for you. He will see you through the dark nights when the money isn't there, the test results aren't good, and when the boss announces that there are layoffs coming. All you have to do is open your mouth and say the words in your heart. He can hear you even when you whisper.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Blessed be Your name though there's pain in the offering:
It was like a sucker-punch.
I suppose that's why I haven't been able to catch my breathe back yet.
In one of our rare nights out just to do something fun, our little band of people went to "The Incredible Pizza Co." a pizza place with a huge arcade area that includes Go-Karts, Mini-Golf, Bumper Cars and Bowling. We ate pizza and chocolate pudding while we watched old "Bewitched", and "I love Lucy" reruns on the television and then went and I soundly trounced my brother at Go-Karts, and then was soundly trounced myself at mini-golf.
We were playing some other game when the phone rang. My dad was calling. I flung my tickets at someone and ran out of the arcade so I could hear him. In those few seconds I fear things that no one should ever have to wonder about their parents. 38 minutes later it was over. I'd heard dad talk about mom, promised that I would make the necessary trip to Mexico for more medicine, and then talked to mom trying to convince her that she had to be nice to the man that was helping her (my dad) and she shouldn't hide food from him or try and kick him out of the house.
And I can't seem to catch my breathe now.
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
I suppose that's why I haven't been able to catch my breathe back yet.
In one of our rare nights out just to do something fun, our little band of people went to "The Incredible Pizza Co." a pizza place with a huge arcade area that includes Go-Karts, Mini-Golf, Bumper Cars and Bowling. We ate pizza and chocolate pudding while we watched old "Bewitched", and "I love Lucy" reruns on the television and then went and I soundly trounced my brother at Go-Karts, and then was soundly trounced myself at mini-golf.
We were playing some other game when the phone rang. My dad was calling. I flung my tickets at someone and ran out of the arcade so I could hear him. In those few seconds I fear things that no one should ever have to wonder about their parents. 38 minutes later it was over. I'd heard dad talk about mom, promised that I would make the necessary trip to Mexico for more medicine, and then talked to mom trying to convince her that she had to be nice to the man that was helping her (my dad) and she shouldn't hide food from him or try and kick him out of the house.
And I can't seem to catch my breathe now.
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Christ is not my accuser.
I received a call this past week from my parents. My mother, as most of you might remember, has alzheimer's and desperately wanted me to come get her. It was a long, hard two hour conversation that actually crazily ended suddenly with her forgetting why she called me.
Later, I found myself wondering idly if God would ever forgive me. If there was ever any way I would be able to repent my way out of knowingly not being there for my mother. For telling her no. For hardening my heart against the accusations she tearfully flung at me and sitting here in San Antonio away from the suffering she's going through. There's no way to repent from that... this will forever be a black mark on my record. I will forever be the person that did this to her mother. How can Christ forgive that intentional choice?
And suddenly I realized what I'd done. By continuing that thought process I'd allowed myself to become at odds with Christ, separated from God by sin.
When I haven't even sinned.
The Bible describes the devil as an accuser of the brethren and it's entirely accurate. He leans into your ear and tells you of the things you feel you've failed at and lets you know that God is too good to put up with someone like you. God is too holy, to just to allow someone who would do what I've done into His presence.
But, I'm in San Antonio, far away from my "rightful place" taking care of my mother because God wants me in San Antonio. I don't know why, I don't know what purpose He has in taking me away from her now when she and my dad could use my help the most - but it was instigated by God Himself. So during this time I can either allow my accuser to separate me from Christ, or I can draw closer to Christ to help get me through the hard times.
I tell you this because it's too easy to listen to the devil. To not realize who it is that is talking to you. To understand the difference between the Holy Spirit conviction on your soul and the accuser condemning your soul. Just because you do what God wants you to do doesn't mean that everything else in the world will be wonderful. Sometimes you go to China on a missions trip just as your wife gets sick. Sometimes you happen to be visiting someone at a hospital when someone breaks into your house. Sometimes things happen.
But as long as you're doing what God wants you to do, then simply take heart in that and trust His lead. He won't ever condemn you for doing what He tells you to do. He loves you.
So be careful to examine what you think you're hearing. And any voice that's telling you God can't forgive you - well, it's not the voice to listen to.
Later, I found myself wondering idly if God would ever forgive me. If there was ever any way I would be able to repent my way out of knowingly not being there for my mother. For telling her no. For hardening my heart against the accusations she tearfully flung at me and sitting here in San Antonio away from the suffering she's going through. There's no way to repent from that... this will forever be a black mark on my record. I will forever be the person that did this to her mother. How can Christ forgive that intentional choice?
And suddenly I realized what I'd done. By continuing that thought process I'd allowed myself to become at odds with Christ, separated from God by sin.
When I haven't even sinned.
The Bible describes the devil as an accuser of the brethren and it's entirely accurate. He leans into your ear and tells you of the things you feel you've failed at and lets you know that God is too good to put up with someone like you. God is too holy, to just to allow someone who would do what I've done into His presence.
But, I'm in San Antonio, far away from my "rightful place" taking care of my mother because God wants me in San Antonio. I don't know why, I don't know what purpose He has in taking me away from her now when she and my dad could use my help the most - but it was instigated by God Himself. So during this time I can either allow my accuser to separate me from Christ, or I can draw closer to Christ to help get me through the hard times.
I tell you this because it's too easy to listen to the devil. To not realize who it is that is talking to you. To understand the difference between the Holy Spirit conviction on your soul and the accuser condemning your soul. Just because you do what God wants you to do doesn't mean that everything else in the world will be wonderful. Sometimes you go to China on a missions trip just as your wife gets sick. Sometimes you happen to be visiting someone at a hospital when someone breaks into your house. Sometimes things happen.
But as long as you're doing what God wants you to do, then simply take heart in that and trust His lead. He won't ever condemn you for doing what He tells you to do. He loves you.
So be careful to examine what you think you're hearing. And any voice that's telling you God can't forgive you - well, it's not the voice to listen to.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
It shall be given him.
Today brings with it sweet, blessed peace.
Peace does not mean there is no sorrow, or struggle, but sweet blessed peace can nestle itself amongst those thorns as sweetly as a rose.
I know my mother. Probably better than anyone else. And I realized today that she would want us to make her decisions for her. Not our decisions for her. But her decisions. And I knew what she would do, no matter how difficult it was for her or us.
I knew it because she spent years making these same choices and I watched and learned, and did what I do best - try to make her laugh despite the hard choices.
With that knowledge came tears, and peace.
Today I begin the process of figuring out which items I need to load up for an indefinite trip home, and continue all my research concerning alzheimers and the people who have it. God is good, when all the situations are bad.
He brings sweet, blessed peace.
He is good. Outlandishly good.
So let me tell you this, I know so many decisions have to be made and it is hard to tell where God is leading sometimes and what He would have you to do. Do not be afraid to wait on Him, to ask, and seek, and continue until you know the peace that comes with a good and right decision.
If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.
He'll help, He'll guide, He'll see you through.
It SHALL be given him.
Peace does not mean there is no sorrow, or struggle, but sweet blessed peace can nestle itself amongst those thorns as sweetly as a rose.
I know my mother. Probably better than anyone else. And I realized today that she would want us to make her decisions for her. Not our decisions for her. But her decisions. And I knew what she would do, no matter how difficult it was for her or us.
I knew it because she spent years making these same choices and I watched and learned, and did what I do best - try to make her laugh despite the hard choices.
With that knowledge came tears, and peace.
Today I begin the process of figuring out which items I need to load up for an indefinite trip home, and continue all my research concerning alzheimers and the people who have it. God is good, when all the situations are bad.
He brings sweet, blessed peace.
He is good. Outlandishly good.
So let me tell you this, I know so many decisions have to be made and it is hard to tell where God is leading sometimes and what He would have you to do. Do not be afraid to wait on Him, to ask, and seek, and continue until you know the peace that comes with a good and right decision.
If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.
He'll help, He'll guide, He'll see you through.
It SHALL be given him.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Gentlemen, we've lost the moon.
I'm going to share something with you. It's a hard thing to share, and you may judge me for it - that's ok - I've judged myself for it as well. But I am striving for an authentic, real, genuine life that shows not just victory and faith, but the struggle as well. I hate the fact that the church world today does not show the struggle very much, except in simple things rather than the hard ones.
So I am going to tell the hard things today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you watch Apollo 13? Terrific movie, truly. But there was a point in the movie when the men receive a command that Jim Lovell (played by Tom Hanks) realizes effectively ends their mission. They will no longer land on the moon, their mission now is to try and get home safely. It was a hard pill to swallow. Jim Lovell turns to his crew mates and says this:
"Gentlemen, we've lost the moon."
There is silence in the cabin as the men digest the information and process the disappointment.
"Gentlemen, we've lost the moon."
I feel exactly the same way.
Last week the call came that my mom was beyond my dad's care. He's tried, and he's tried hard, but she has delusions because of the Alzheimers that leave her angry concerning him and all she does is try and kick him out of the house. He couldn't do it anymore. He was ready to put her in a nursing home.
It was decided then that I would leave San Antonio and move in with them, to see how long we can stave off the nursing home. I'm leaving San Antonio.
I'm moving in with my parents.
Gentlemen, we've lost the moon.
The part I struggle with is doing this with the right attitude. Not with regret, or longing for something that I cannot have but with a full complete heart towards doing the right thing and not spending my time longing for what I can't have.
In catching up on the blog reading that I have missed this past weekend, I found the weekly prayer that Ted Gossard puts up over at "Jesus Community". The prayer this week was:
Going back is the right thing to do. And doing the right thing is something that shall endure. It's a Godly, Heavenly thing. San Antonio will pass away. Life with my niece and nephew on this earth will pass away. Doing the right thing, right here, right now will never pass away.
So:
Grant me Lord, not to be anxious about San Antonio and the kids, but to love things heavenly; and even now, when I am placed among things which are passing away, to hold fast to those that shall endure; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.
So I am going to tell the hard things today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you watch Apollo 13? Terrific movie, truly. But there was a point in the movie when the men receive a command that Jim Lovell (played by Tom Hanks) realizes effectively ends their mission. They will no longer land on the moon, their mission now is to try and get home safely. It was a hard pill to swallow. Jim Lovell turns to his crew mates and says this:
"Gentlemen, we've lost the moon."
There is silence in the cabin as the men digest the information and process the disappointment.
"Gentlemen, we've lost the moon."
I feel exactly the same way.
Last week the call came that my mom was beyond my dad's care. He's tried, and he's tried hard, but she has delusions because of the Alzheimers that leave her angry concerning him and all she does is try and kick him out of the house. He couldn't do it anymore. He was ready to put her in a nursing home.
It was decided then that I would leave San Antonio and move in with them, to see how long we can stave off the nursing home. I'm leaving San Antonio.
I'm moving in with my parents.
Gentlemen, we've lost the moon.
The part I struggle with is doing this with the right attitude. Not with regret, or longing for something that I cannot have but with a full complete heart towards doing the right thing and not spending my time longing for what I can't have.
In catching up on the blog reading that I have missed this past weekend, I found the weekly prayer that Ted Gossard puts up over at "Jesus Community". The prayer this week was:
Grant us, Lord, not to anxious about earthly things, but to love things heavenly; and even now, while we are placed among things which are passing away, to hold fast to those that shall endure; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.
Going back is the right thing to do. And doing the right thing is something that shall endure. It's a Godly, Heavenly thing. San Antonio will pass away. Life with my niece and nephew on this earth will pass away. Doing the right thing, right here, right now will never pass away.
So:
Grant me Lord, not to be anxious about San Antonio and the kids, but to love things heavenly; and even now, when I am placed among things which are passing away, to hold fast to those that shall endure; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
What I'm praying for...
Next week I am leaving my new home in San Antonio and heading to move in with my parents to begin caring for my mother.
Dad is willing to give it a short trial to see if I can gain some control over the situation, and if I fail he is going to put her into a nursing home.
He's hurting, and tired, and stressed beyond what a person should be asked to endure.
She's tired and sick. In her few moments when she's anywhere close to her right mind she is discouraged and sad that she is making his life miserable. - Her words, not mine.
I am praying, that for whatever time I am in this situation - whether it is long-term as we hope, or only a short term try and fail - that I will have a servants heart towards both of them. That for this time I can go in and build them up, encourage, and strengthen them both. That I will have wisdom in how to use my words to control my mothers behavior so that she is compliant with me as much as possible. And that I will not get so wrapped up in my mothers issues that I fail to minister to the other person there that is hurting.
I am praying that my mothers suffering ends quickly.
Make me a servant
Humble and meek
Lord help me lift up
Those who are weak.
And may the prayer of my heart always be.
Make me a servant.
Make me a servant.
Make me a servant today.
Dad is willing to give it a short trial to see if I can gain some control over the situation, and if I fail he is going to put her into a nursing home.
He's hurting, and tired, and stressed beyond what a person should be asked to endure.
She's tired and sick. In her few moments when she's anywhere close to her right mind she is discouraged and sad that she is making his life miserable. - Her words, not mine.
I am praying, that for whatever time I am in this situation - whether it is long-term as we hope, or only a short term try and fail - that I will have a servants heart towards both of them. That for this time I can go in and build them up, encourage, and strengthen them both. That I will have wisdom in how to use my words to control my mothers behavior so that she is compliant with me as much as possible. And that I will not get so wrapped up in my mothers issues that I fail to minister to the other person there that is hurting.
I am praying that my mothers suffering ends quickly.
Make me a servant
Humble and meek
Lord help me lift up
Those who are weak.
And may the prayer of my heart always be.
Make me a servant.
Make me a servant.
Make me a servant today.
I can, because He can.
How can it be all wrong and ok at the same time?
When you trust God.
Much has happened this week that leaves me just ripped up with sadness, questions, and helplessness. But here's something I enjoyed tonight:
I was ripping apart, I listened to my parents hurt each other over the phone. One too far gone with disease to realize what she was saying, the other too far over his head in things he doesn't yet understand how to deal with. And I broke. I wept the tears that twist your stomach, and make you clench your fist against the pain, it leaves you bent double as hurt simply consumes you. And yet I was ok.
There have been times in my life when I felt that hurt and the questions that came with the hurt were just too much to face. Doubt and fear added themselves to the hurt until the burden was unbearable. It's those times when you ask what God is doing, why is He doing this, why isn't He stopping this.
Tonight, even in a moment of utter grief I sat there fully hurting and fully trusting all at the same time. And somehow the miracle that is Gods grace, brought me through the hours on the phone dealing with a situation so far beyond my skills that I cannot even figure out where to start.
I've said it before, but I just want to say it again and again and again. As many times as it takes to get it through to some hurting person out there reading this message.
God is good.
Circumstances do not change how wonderful, how loving, how gracious and marvelous He is.
So while you and I don't understand why things are the way they are so often - trust Him anyway. He's there, He loves, He holds, He works. It may not be the situation you want to face, but regardless, God is still absolutely and positively who He says He is.
He will not change, He will not fail, He will not waver, He will not stop loving you with a love that is breathtakingly beyond compare.
Lean on Him, trust in Him, and hurt all over Him. He can handle it.
And I promise you this, if you do all that you can handle anything life throws your way. Just wait and see.
There is hope. There is always hope.
When you trust God.
Much has happened this week that leaves me just ripped up with sadness, questions, and helplessness. But here's something I enjoyed tonight:
I was ripping apart, I listened to my parents hurt each other over the phone. One too far gone with disease to realize what she was saying, the other too far over his head in things he doesn't yet understand how to deal with. And I broke. I wept the tears that twist your stomach, and make you clench your fist against the pain, it leaves you bent double as hurt simply consumes you. And yet I was ok.
There have been times in my life when I felt that hurt and the questions that came with the hurt were just too much to face. Doubt and fear added themselves to the hurt until the burden was unbearable. It's those times when you ask what God is doing, why is He doing this, why isn't He stopping this.
Tonight, even in a moment of utter grief I sat there fully hurting and fully trusting all at the same time. And somehow the miracle that is Gods grace, brought me through the hours on the phone dealing with a situation so far beyond my skills that I cannot even figure out where to start.
I've said it before, but I just want to say it again and again and again. As many times as it takes to get it through to some hurting person out there reading this message.
God is good.
Circumstances do not change how wonderful, how loving, how gracious and marvelous He is.
So while you and I don't understand why things are the way they are so often - trust Him anyway. He's there, He loves, He holds, He works. It may not be the situation you want to face, but regardless, God is still absolutely and positively who He says He is.
He will not change, He will not fail, He will not waver, He will not stop loving you with a love that is breathtakingly beyond compare.
Lean on Him, trust in Him, and hurt all over Him. He can handle it.
And I promise you this, if you do all that you can handle anything life throws your way. Just wait and see.
There is hope. There is always hope.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Trust is stronger.
It's funny how emotions work. No wonder the bible says they aren't to be trusted.
Today was a bad day for mom, but by the time I made my daily phone call she was doing better.
But afterwards, my niece asked if she could go for the next visit and I refused since it's been hard on her just hearing my ends of the conversations with mom. I can only imagine what an "in person" drama would do to her.
She began crying and it took 45 minutes to get it all cleaned up.
An hour later, just sitting here thinking logical, rational thoughts my heart broke and tears broke loose like a dam but here is the interesting part; I immediately got goose bumps and began praying in tongues.
El Roi - He is the God who sees me.
It sounds odd to say it but I typically have to "work up" to praying in tongues. Some people can just hit some words off on the fly, but I have to intentionally quiet myself and get into a worshipful state before things like that happen for me. But instantly this time my heart broke and words started pouring out of my mouth.
I'm big on distinguishing the words "want" and "need". If you would like me to pass the carrots, you "want" the carrots, not need. If you are asking for 30 bucks to go to the movies, you "want" it, if you are thirsty and ask for water you "need" it.
So tonight, when my heart told God "I need You to do something." I realized that in my heart I saw it as a need, but I would trust Him even without it. I accept the fact that He has true needs that He is providing and working on for every person in this world and sometimes one persons need conflicts with another persons need (whether we realize we're "needing" something or not).
God might know I need faith more than I need help with mom's alzheimer's.
When two needs collide, God does what is best. Even when it hurts.
It hurts tonight more than usual and I don't understand why. But just as clearly as hurt is present, so is trust. I'm trusting God to see my dad through. I'm trusting God to help us with the decisions. I'm trusting God to help us be patient if we are just in a waiting game to get the bad medicine out of her system.
I trust, and I hurt.
Trust is stronger.
Today was a bad day for mom, but by the time I made my daily phone call she was doing better.
But afterwards, my niece asked if she could go for the next visit and I refused since it's been hard on her just hearing my ends of the conversations with mom. I can only imagine what an "in person" drama would do to her.
She began crying and it took 45 minutes to get it all cleaned up.
An hour later, just sitting here thinking logical, rational thoughts my heart broke and tears broke loose like a dam but here is the interesting part; I immediately got goose bumps and began praying in tongues.
El Roi - He is the God who sees me.
It sounds odd to say it but I typically have to "work up" to praying in tongues. Some people can just hit some words off on the fly, but I have to intentionally quiet myself and get into a worshipful state before things like that happen for me. But instantly this time my heart broke and words started pouring out of my mouth.
I'm big on distinguishing the words "want" and "need". If you would like me to pass the carrots, you "want" the carrots, not need. If you are asking for 30 bucks to go to the movies, you "want" it, if you are thirsty and ask for water you "need" it.
So tonight, when my heart told God "I need You to do something." I realized that in my heart I saw it as a need, but I would trust Him even without it. I accept the fact that He has true needs that He is providing and working on for every person in this world and sometimes one persons need conflicts with another persons need (whether we realize we're "needing" something or not).
God might know I need faith more than I need help with mom's alzheimer's.
When two needs collide, God does what is best. Even when it hurts.
It hurts tonight more than usual and I don't understand why. But just as clearly as hurt is present, so is trust. I'm trusting God to see my dad through. I'm trusting God to help us with the decisions. I'm trusting God to help us be patient if we are just in a waiting game to get the bad medicine out of her system.
I trust, and I hurt.
Trust is stronger.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Pray Believing.
Yesterday was a good day.
Today was mostly good until this evening when mom decided to leave him. She calls me up asking to move in with me. The medication is stopped (though despite my last post it was stopped the very night of that post rather than decreased. A special thank you to my home health worker nurse friend who confirmed the next evening that the decision was a good one.
Thanks Ms. L.
Tonight though, after an hour of conversation mom was willing to stay with him until I get there. We're all, (and trust me when I say I know how bad this sounds), hoping she just gets through this particular spell and forgets she's waiting on me. Instructions though involved a sign that says "I need to stay here until Net comes."
Dad was having a hard day too. He was trying to "prove" he was her husband and that he'd never left her. The alzheimers counselor says logic doesn't work and she's 100% right. Just makes her angry. It wasn't amusing, but my mom was rude to my dad tonight. "Would you PLEASE get off the phone so I can talk to my daughter." It's awful, it's stupid, but if you knew my mother and how she is never rude, you would have been amused too.
All that isn't about them. It's about joy. Weariness, and joy all mixed into one. I trust God in this, and He is seeing me through with comfort, but tonight He's also brought a touch of joy. Peace despite circumstances.
It's life. Life with all it's bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And God is good. He's goodness wrapped up inside all the bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And I love Him. I trust Him to get us through the next months. I trust Him to help us all make wise decisions. I trust Him with her life. With all of ours.
You can trust Him with yours too.
Have peace, let that knot in your stomach go. Breathe. What is the worst that can happen? Bad stuff, painful stuff, but nothing that eternity won't cure. So a bad few years? So an unhappy marriage? So your kids are getting in trouble? So you can't find a job? So you can't pay your bills?
Stressful I know. Hurts, I know, but you can trust in God.
Pray like all get out. Pray till you make no human sense because your agonized heart cannot help but cry out to the one who can help - but pray believing.
That phrase has always intrigued me. "Pray believing" It's only right this second that I realized a second meaning behind those words. It's not only that you pray believing for the answer you're seeking, but that you're believing - believing in God and His goodness, who He is, who He's promised to be, who you need Him to be.
Pray believing. Trust His goodness. He's good. GOOD. No matter what your situation He's still so very good. Trust that when you bring your needs to Him as a child who knows their Father cares.
Pray believing.
PS. It's raining in San Antonio. A GOOD steady (though hard) rain. It's been at it for awhile now too. We're in the middle of a 10 year drought. This is a God send.
Sometimes you have to go through a drought.
But God always makes it rain.
P.P.S. A friend wrote about me in a blog. She has a unique knack for describing people - I've always appreciated it - and she was gracious concerning me. She made the word "strange" seem almost endearing. :) She's a fellow foster parent except she is soon to be adopting her two. Lord willing and the courts don't fail.
Today was mostly good until this evening when mom decided to leave him. She calls me up asking to move in with me. The medication is stopped (though despite my last post it was stopped the very night of that post rather than decreased. A special thank you to my home health worker nurse friend who confirmed the next evening that the decision was a good one.
Thanks Ms. L.
Tonight though, after an hour of conversation mom was willing to stay with him until I get there. We're all, (and trust me when I say I know how bad this sounds), hoping she just gets through this particular spell and forgets she's waiting on me. Instructions though involved a sign that says "I need to stay here until Net comes."
Dad was having a hard day too. He was trying to "prove" he was her husband and that he'd never left her. The alzheimers counselor says logic doesn't work and she's 100% right. Just makes her angry. It wasn't amusing, but my mom was rude to my dad tonight. "Would you PLEASE get off the phone so I can talk to my daughter." It's awful, it's stupid, but if you knew my mother and how she is never rude, you would have been amused too.
All that isn't about them. It's about joy. Weariness, and joy all mixed into one. I trust God in this, and He is seeing me through with comfort, but tonight He's also brought a touch of joy. Peace despite circumstances.
It's life. Life with all it's bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And God is good. He's goodness wrapped up inside all the bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And I love Him. I trust Him to get us through the next months. I trust Him to help us all make wise decisions. I trust Him with her life. With all of ours.
You can trust Him with yours too.
Have peace, let that knot in your stomach go. Breathe. What is the worst that can happen? Bad stuff, painful stuff, but nothing that eternity won't cure. So a bad few years? So an unhappy marriage? So your kids are getting in trouble? So you can't find a job? So you can't pay your bills?
Stressful I know. Hurts, I know, but you can trust in God.
Pray like all get out. Pray till you make no human sense because your agonized heart cannot help but cry out to the one who can help - but pray believing.
That phrase has always intrigued me. "Pray believing" It's only right this second that I realized a second meaning behind those words. It's not only that you pray believing for the answer you're seeking, but that you're believing - believing in God and His goodness, who He is, who He's promised to be, who you need Him to be.
Pray believing. Trust His goodness. He's good. GOOD. No matter what your situation He's still so very good. Trust that when you bring your needs to Him as a child who knows their Father cares.
Pray believing.
PS. It's raining in San Antonio. A GOOD steady (though hard) rain. It's been at it for awhile now too. We're in the middle of a 10 year drought. This is a God send.
Sometimes you have to go through a drought.
But God always makes it rain.
P.P.S. A friend wrote about me in a blog. She has a unique knack for describing people - I've always appreciated it - and she was gracious concerning me. She made the word "strange" seem almost endearing. :) She's a fellow foster parent except she is soon to be adopting her two. Lord willing and the courts don't fail.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I will trust and not be afraid.
There is a little section of me that is amused, even while I stubbornly cling to the necessity of it all.
I will trust and not be afraid.
I'm attached to my cell phone now, making certain that I do not miss any phone calls. My mothers sister is calling, and if my dad calls it is because he needs help.
I will trust and not be afraid.
I've got worship music playing, over and over and over and over and over, and there is a stubborn determination make sure these words stay true.
I will trust and not be afraid.
No disease, no sorrow, no pain today can steal this trust or make me afraid.
I trust, therefore I will not be afraid.
So many things in life come to steal your joy, your hope, your peace. Will you spend the duration of the struggle afraid? Will you fearfully jump at whatever you can do so you can feel you've done something? Or will you wait on the Lord, trusting, not afraid?
It's a lot easier to write than to do. But even though I feel the struggle within myself today, I know that I'm winning. There is sadness and deep grief, but there is also hope. Hope in the God who sees me. The God who can be trusted. The God who is and always will be. My situations don't change who God is.
And despite the fact that most of us know this, we still tend to let it change our perspective of Him. And if it's changing in a good way, as you realize more and more how great and perfect His knowledge and His ways are (even when it hurts) that's all well and good.
But it's when you let it change you for the worse, you don't get the answer you're praying for, safety isn't available, people stay sick, jobs don't come, friends let you down, events don't occur as you'd hope, it rains... those are the times you want to doubt, groan in frustration or anger, want to hurt God for hurting you.
But all that only hurts you more.
I will trust and not be afraid.
It's necessary.
I will trust and not be afraid.
I'm attached to my cell phone now, making certain that I do not miss any phone calls. My mothers sister is calling, and if my dad calls it is because he needs help.
I will trust and not be afraid.
I've got worship music playing, over and over and over and over and over, and there is a stubborn determination make sure these words stay true.
I will trust and not be afraid.
No disease, no sorrow, no pain today can steal this trust or make me afraid.
I trust, therefore I will not be afraid.
So many things in life come to steal your joy, your hope, your peace. Will you spend the duration of the struggle afraid? Will you fearfully jump at whatever you can do so you can feel you've done something? Or will you wait on the Lord, trusting, not afraid?
It's a lot easier to write than to do. But even though I feel the struggle within myself today, I know that I'm winning. There is sadness and deep grief, but there is also hope. Hope in the God who sees me. The God who can be trusted. The God who is and always will be. My situations don't change who God is.
And despite the fact that most of us know this, we still tend to let it change our perspective of Him. And if it's changing in a good way, as you realize more and more how great and perfect His knowledge and His ways are (even when it hurts) that's all well and good.
But it's when you let it change you for the worse, you don't get the answer you're praying for, safety isn't available, people stay sick, jobs don't come, friends let you down, events don't occur as you'd hope, it rains... those are the times you want to doubt, groan in frustration or anger, want to hurt God for hurting you.
But all that only hurts you more.
I will trust and not be afraid.
It's necessary.
Monday, August 24, 2009
El Roi - The God who sees.
I have crawled into the Word of God more than usual the last two days, just asking God to speak to me something that I can hold onto.
Yet the words I am holding onto are not ones that I have been reading - but this evening the phrase came into my mind and I have sat here, holding onto it.
El Roi
The God who sees.
Genesis 16 tells the story of how Hagar fled from a horrible situation with her mistress treating her badly simply because she had conceived a child. Granted, there does not seem to be anything "simple" about the situation. But regardless, the treatment was unjust.
So Hagar runs.
An angel of the Lord finds her at a fountain and questions her on where she is going, and Hagar can only answer that she is fleeing.
The end result has her stating that "Thou God, seest me."
I have scratched my head in the last two and a half months about how a person could suddenly become invisible as I seem to have in this town. It is amazing how people do not communicate with others here, or they simply communicate with those who are in similar situations. But in the last two days I have felt anything but invisible to God.
He has been my El Roi, the God who sees me. He has been the God who hears me.
He has been exactly what I needed.
That does not mean that everything is now perfect, or that my mother has been miraculously restored to perfect health.
What it means is that through the circumstances, He has walked with me.
I have felt spiritually stronger in the last two painful days than I recall feeling ever before.
I trust. I sincerely, and absolutely trust Him despite the circumstances.
I trust. That each phone call I make, He will help me find the words to give her comfort and confidence in her own situation. But that trust has also extended to other things as well. I am less afraid. I have confidence in Him and His ability to work in me no matter what the situation.
I love Him more today than I did yesterday.
I am seeking Him more today than I did yesterday.
I can feel it. And in it, I can feel changes being worked in me.
All of that is personal, and there is no point in you reading it unless you are willing to believe that the exact same thing can happen for you. You must trust in the fact that the God who sees me, and hears me, will see and hear you as well.
The glory of His Spirit and Presence is not something that is designed for me alone. Or for great preachers. Or specific people that you feel are "good enough" for such a thing.
That glory is meant for every broken, hurting person that wants to flee, to run and hide from their lives and situations, for every person that feels they are not good enough, wise enough, or capable enough. He is the God who sees you.
He is the God who sees your job hunt your childs divorce your financial crisis your medical concerns. He is the God who hears you weep, cry, wail, lash out in anger, and pray so hard you no longer make any human sense.
He sees.
He hears.
He cares.
He is there.
He is there in those awful moments. And if you pay attention, you'll find He is there in those wonderful moments as well. The weddings, births, engagements, first steps, friends celebrations, job promotions. He is there.
Trust Him.
Wait on Him.
Talk to Him.
Yet the words I am holding onto are not ones that I have been reading - but this evening the phrase came into my mind and I have sat here, holding onto it.
El Roi
The God who sees.
Genesis 16 tells the story of how Hagar fled from a horrible situation with her mistress treating her badly simply because she had conceived a child. Granted, there does not seem to be anything "simple" about the situation. But regardless, the treatment was unjust.
So Hagar runs.
An angel of the Lord finds her at a fountain and questions her on where she is going, and Hagar can only answer that she is fleeing.
The end result has her stating that "Thou God, seest me."
I have scratched my head in the last two and a half months about how a person could suddenly become invisible as I seem to have in this town. It is amazing how people do not communicate with others here, or they simply communicate with those who are in similar situations. But in the last two days I have felt anything but invisible to God.
He has been my El Roi, the God who sees me. He has been the God who hears me.
He has been exactly what I needed.
That does not mean that everything is now perfect, or that my mother has been miraculously restored to perfect health.
What it means is that through the circumstances, He has walked with me.
I have felt spiritually stronger in the last two painful days than I recall feeling ever before.
I trust. I sincerely, and absolutely trust Him despite the circumstances.
I trust. That each phone call I make, He will help me find the words to give her comfort and confidence in her own situation. But that trust has also extended to other things as well. I am less afraid. I have confidence in Him and His ability to work in me no matter what the situation.
I love Him more today than I did yesterday.
I am seeking Him more today than I did yesterday.
I can feel it. And in it, I can feel changes being worked in me.
All of that is personal, and there is no point in you reading it unless you are willing to believe that the exact same thing can happen for you. You must trust in the fact that the God who sees me, and hears me, will see and hear you as well.
The glory of His Spirit and Presence is not something that is designed for me alone. Or for great preachers. Or specific people that you feel are "good enough" for such a thing.
That glory is meant for every broken, hurting person that wants to flee, to run and hide from their lives and situations, for every person that feels they are not good enough, wise enough, or capable enough. He is the God who sees you.
He is the God who sees your job hunt your childs divorce your financial crisis your medical concerns. He is the God who hears you weep, cry, wail, lash out in anger, and pray so hard you no longer make any human sense.
He sees.
He hears.
He cares.
He is there.
He is there in those awful moments. And if you pay attention, you'll find He is there in those wonderful moments as well. The weddings, births, engagements, first steps, friends celebrations, job promotions. He is there.
Trust Him.
Wait on Him.
Talk to Him.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Michael W. Smith, Alzheimers and Hebrews 3.
It's been an incredible day.
The whole family piled into the car and trooped over to the AT&T center here in San Antonio where "church" was produced by Michael W. Smith and Max Lucado. Amazing worship service...incredible atmosphere worshipping with 14,000 other people. Amazing. MWS looked very tired.
After the trauma of yesterdays events I called my parents to see if today was going better, only to find out it most definitely wasn't. My mother, mild mannered and always smiling spent the morning screaming at her ex-husband for leaving her (he's not her ex-husband, she's just delusional during these times), threatened to kill him - including looking for his gun and threatening to cut him to pieces with a knife. She did calm down slightly while she waited for the police to arrive. That's right, she called the cops on him.
Besides deflecting the things Mrs. Hyde was throwing at him, he also got to prove to the police that he was supposed to be there, and the cars that he wouldn't allow her to drive belonged to him.
He's very tired. And we're questioning whether Namenda is actually part of the cause of her new-found violent streak. If you pray for him, or us, pray we use wisdom in making medicinal decisions for her.
I've spent a lot of time just sitting quietly before God today. I haven't the faintest idea what to say and I'm struggling with putting mom out of my mind while I worship. God deserves better than my distraction, and He also deserves for my worship to be focused on Him rather than a constant cry of "please make this better." My mind is full tonight.
That did not stop God from continuing the work He had begun in me recently. He's pushing me to watch my words, to not criticize or complain, but He's also pushing me to begin encouraging others. It's ironic how much easier it is for me to stop one bad habit than it is to start another one. I can stop complaining a lot easier than I can begin encouraging others.
Ironically enough, the pastors message tonight was about our words (surprise, surprise) and how our words are like seeds and they produce after their own kind. If I plant words of encouragement and affirmation, I will reap such - if I reap frustration and complaints, I can tell I have not planted the right seeds.
I sat down tonight to eat supper and pulled out my Bible to read as I ate, and I felt pushed to go to Hebrews chapter 3:8. I read the corresponding passage that ended up from Hebrews 3:7-14
7Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,
"Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
on the day of testing in the wilderness,
9where your fathers put me to the test
and saw my works for forty years.
10Therefore I was provoked with that generation,and said, 'They always go astray in their heart; they have not known my ways.'11 As I swore in my wrath, 'They shall not enter my rest.'"
12Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.
Reading it now, I wonder why the thought occurred to me before, but it seemed as obvious as the nose on my face that exhorting others would help ME not be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
It doesn't seem to read that way now that I'm looking at it though, but I'm still holding onto my original interpretation of it simply because I know my own heart. I know the reason that I struggle with encouraging other people is simply because of deceitful sin in my heart. You might not understand, and it might not be something you struggle with, but it's right there smack dab in the middle of my heart. It's one of the few things I can actually say I "wrestle" with. I can feel it rising in me when I try to encourage someone, but God is working on me.
So, until God finishes working this in me you may be seeing me on this topic again soon.
But I want to explain something about why this post is so... odd. Why do I include the days events, the struggle with my mothers alzheimers along with the words of Hebrews 3?
I have an answer, and it is in bold because I want you to read it, and then go back and read it again firmly to yourself.
God does not stop teaching you in the bad times. God doesn't sway all of your teaching and learning to revolve around a hard time you are facing. He expects you to trust Him with that situation and yet still continue to grow and seek Him. Your relationship with Christ isn't about what situations you face or whether you are happy, sad, mourning, or joyful.
It is for all of those times.
And beyond.
The whole family piled into the car and trooped over to the AT&T center here in San Antonio where "church" was produced by Michael W. Smith and Max Lucado. Amazing worship service...incredible atmosphere worshipping with 14,000 other people. Amazing. MWS looked very tired.
After the trauma of yesterdays events I called my parents to see if today was going better, only to find out it most definitely wasn't. My mother, mild mannered and always smiling spent the morning screaming at her ex-husband for leaving her (he's not her ex-husband, she's just delusional during these times), threatened to kill him - including looking for his gun and threatening to cut him to pieces with a knife. She did calm down slightly while she waited for the police to arrive. That's right, she called the cops on him.
Besides deflecting the things Mrs. Hyde was throwing at him, he also got to prove to the police that he was supposed to be there, and the cars that he wouldn't allow her to drive belonged to him.
He's very tired. And we're questioning whether Namenda is actually part of the cause of her new-found violent streak. If you pray for him, or us, pray we use wisdom in making medicinal decisions for her.
I've spent a lot of time just sitting quietly before God today. I haven't the faintest idea what to say and I'm struggling with putting mom out of my mind while I worship. God deserves better than my distraction, and He also deserves for my worship to be focused on Him rather than a constant cry of "please make this better." My mind is full tonight.
That did not stop God from continuing the work He had begun in me recently. He's pushing me to watch my words, to not criticize or complain, but He's also pushing me to begin encouraging others. It's ironic how much easier it is for me to stop one bad habit than it is to start another one. I can stop complaining a lot easier than I can begin encouraging others.
Ironically enough, the pastors message tonight was about our words (surprise, surprise) and how our words are like seeds and they produce after their own kind. If I plant words of encouragement and affirmation, I will reap such - if I reap frustration and complaints, I can tell I have not planted the right seeds.
I sat down tonight to eat supper and pulled out my Bible to read as I ate, and I felt pushed to go to Hebrews chapter 3:8. I read the corresponding passage that ended up from Hebrews 3:7-14
7Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,
"Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
on the day of testing in the wilderness,
9where your fathers put me to the test
and saw my works for forty years.
10Therefore I was provoked with that generation,and said, 'They always go astray in their heart; they have not known my ways.'11 As I swore in my wrath, 'They shall not enter my rest.'"
12Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.
Reading it now, I wonder why the thought occurred to me before, but it seemed as obvious as the nose on my face that exhorting others would help ME not be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
It doesn't seem to read that way now that I'm looking at it though, but I'm still holding onto my original interpretation of it simply because I know my own heart. I know the reason that I struggle with encouraging other people is simply because of deceitful sin in my heart. You might not understand, and it might not be something you struggle with, but it's right there smack dab in the middle of my heart. It's one of the few things I can actually say I "wrestle" with. I can feel it rising in me when I try to encourage someone, but God is working on me.
So, until God finishes working this in me you may be seeing me on this topic again soon.
But I want to explain something about why this post is so... odd. Why do I include the days events, the struggle with my mothers alzheimers along with the words of Hebrews 3?
I have an answer, and it is in bold because I want you to read it, and then go back and read it again firmly to yourself.
God does not stop teaching you in the bad times. God doesn't sway all of your teaching and learning to revolve around a hard time you are facing. He expects you to trust Him with that situation and yet still continue to grow and seek Him. Your relationship with Christ isn't about what situations you face or whether you are happy, sad, mourning, or joyful.
It is for all of those times.
And beyond.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Alzheimers, Grief, Faith
Since I no longer go to church here, I suppose I'm officially breaking and entering. The fact that I used a key only means that no one has remembered to request it of me, and I have yet to remember to return it.
But, being raised in a church - this was instinctively where I pointed my car when I got the news we'd all been wondering for a while now.
A counselor has recommended my mother stop using her medication. It is no longer doing her any good.
I was in a store, standing next to a clothing rack when the voice over the cell phone told me how the bad days that I'd witnessed a couple of weeks ago were progressively getting worse.
I remember walking out to my car and looking into the rearview mirror and looking at my face. I'd never recognized the emotion of grief on my face before. Yet there it was, so very different from all the other emotions, looking back at me from this strange face in the mirror. I managed to not cry for 23 minutes.
And then I went to church to cry.
I was at a stop light, with tears rolling down my face, when I considered how we don't deserve anything more from God, but as a Father He truly cares about my earnest please God that is still ripping from my gut.
My mom is going to be gone beyond any of our reach all too soon. I speak that in faith, knowing she won't be gone to me forever, but it doesn't diminish the grief. Grief.
Just in case anyone needs to hear this; I believe Christians should feel emotions. Grief, sadness, joy, heartache. I believe it's ok to cry because it hurts. I believe hurting over things does not, in any way whatsoever, show a lack of faith or hope in Christ Jesus. I know Jesus grieved. I know Jesus had sorrows. I know Jesus cried. I know Jesus never lost faith.
I am free to do the same. Just so long as I, too, do not lose faith.
Father God, my mother is dying with alzheimers and the pills don't work anymore, please heal her.
My dear pastor is dying with heart problems, every stint seems to only buy a little more time before the next one, please heal him.
My dear L is constantly suffering with migraines, and so many medical problems that I don't even know them all - please take control back for her and heal her.
My friend is suffering daily with fibromyalgia, constant pain and nothing seems to work to free her of it, please heal her.
My friend refuses to believe in a God who loves Him and created the universe, instead he chooses to chase psychological cures and hope from the world, please draw Him.
My friends father is chained by alcohol and simply cannot find release, please deliver him.
Please Jesus, You have shown mercy beyond compare to me in my journey. You have made me Your child when I am less than nothing, yet You loved me. It's because of all You have done up to now that I know You care, and that's why I ask so many things of you that I still do not deserve. Because my worthiness means nothing to Your graciousness. You are simply gracious and merciful despite my faults.
I love You.
But, being raised in a church - this was instinctively where I pointed my car when I got the news we'd all been wondering for a while now.
A counselor has recommended my mother stop using her medication. It is no longer doing her any good.
I was in a store, standing next to a clothing rack when the voice over the cell phone told me how the bad days that I'd witnessed a couple of weeks ago were progressively getting worse.
I remember walking out to my car and looking into the rearview mirror and looking at my face. I'd never recognized the emotion of grief on my face before. Yet there it was, so very different from all the other emotions, looking back at me from this strange face in the mirror. I managed to not cry for 23 minutes.
And then I went to church to cry.
I was at a stop light, with tears rolling down my face, when I considered how we don't deserve anything more from God, but as a Father He truly cares about my earnest please God that is still ripping from my gut.
My mom is going to be gone beyond any of our reach all too soon. I speak that in faith, knowing she won't be gone to me forever, but it doesn't diminish the grief. Grief.
Just in case anyone needs to hear this; I believe Christians should feel emotions. Grief, sadness, joy, heartache. I believe it's ok to cry because it hurts. I believe hurting over things does not, in any way whatsoever, show a lack of faith or hope in Christ Jesus. I know Jesus grieved. I know Jesus had sorrows. I know Jesus cried. I know Jesus never lost faith.
I am free to do the same. Just so long as I, too, do not lose faith.
Father God, my mother is dying with alzheimers and the pills don't work anymore, please heal her.
My dear pastor is dying with heart problems, every stint seems to only buy a little more time before the next one, please heal him.
My dear L is constantly suffering with migraines, and so many medical problems that I don't even know them all - please take control back for her and heal her.
My friend is suffering daily with fibromyalgia, constant pain and nothing seems to work to free her of it, please heal her.
My friend refuses to believe in a God who loves Him and created the universe, instead he chooses to chase psychological cures and hope from the world, please draw Him.
My friends father is chained by alcohol and simply cannot find release, please deliver him.
Please Jesus, You have shown mercy beyond compare to me in my journey. You have made me Your child when I am less than nothing, yet You loved me. It's because of all You have done up to now that I know You care, and that's why I ask so many things of you that I still do not deserve. Because my worthiness means nothing to Your graciousness. You are simply gracious and merciful despite my faults.
I love You.
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