Since I no longer go to church here, I suppose I'm officially breaking and entering. The fact that I used a key only means that no one has remembered to request it of me, and I have yet to remember to return it.
But, being raised in a church - this was instinctively where I pointed my car when I got the news we'd all been wondering for a while now.
A counselor has recommended my mother stop using her medication. It is no longer doing her any good.
I was in a store, standing next to a clothing rack when the voice over the cell phone told me how the bad days that I'd witnessed a couple of weeks ago were progressively getting worse.
I remember walking out to my car and looking into the rearview mirror and looking at my face. I'd never recognized the emotion of grief on my face before. Yet there it was, so very different from all the other emotions, looking back at me from this strange face in the mirror. I managed to not cry for 23 minutes.
And then I went to church to cry.
I was at a stop light, with tears rolling down my face, when I considered how we don't deserve anything more from God, but as a Father He truly cares about my earnest please God that is still ripping from my gut.
My mom is going to be gone beyond any of our reach all too soon. I speak that in faith, knowing she won't be gone to me forever, but it doesn't diminish the grief. Grief.
Just in case anyone needs to hear this; I believe Christians should feel emotions. Grief, sadness, joy, heartache. I believe it's ok to cry because it hurts. I believe hurting over things does not, in any way whatsoever, show a lack of faith or hope in Christ Jesus. I know Jesus grieved. I know Jesus had sorrows. I know Jesus cried. I know Jesus never lost faith.
I am free to do the same. Just so long as I, too, do not lose faith.
Father God, my mother is dying with alzheimers and the pills don't work anymore, please heal her.
My dear pastor is dying with heart problems, every stint seems to only buy a little more time before the next one, please heal him.
My dear L is constantly suffering with migraines, and so many medical problems that I don't even know them all - please take control back for her and heal her.
My friend is suffering daily with fibromyalgia, constant pain and nothing seems to work to free her of it, please heal her.
My friend refuses to believe in a God who loves Him and created the universe, instead he chooses to chase psychological cures and hope from the world, please draw Him.
My friends father is chained by alcohol and simply cannot find release, please deliver him.
Please Jesus, You have shown mercy beyond compare to me in my journey. You have made me Your child when I am less than nothing, yet You loved me. It's because of all You have done up to now that I know You care, and that's why I ask so many things of you that I still do not deserve. Because my worthiness means nothing to Your graciousness. You are simply gracious and merciful despite my faults.
I love You.