Advice to the world from my mother.

I am a person who covets advice like candy. I want to hear wisdom, as those words sound sweeter in my ears than almost any other. So, being greedy concerning those things I felt not even a smidge of remorse as I hit my miserable little mother with question after question. I went into it wondering if I’d get anything of value, seeing as her sentences don’t all make sense now.
“Do you want something to drink mom?”
“Well, they’ll all get around if it’s here.”

Ooooook.
After enough of those conversations I didn’t have a lot of confidence that I’d get much. So thanks to low expectations, she far exceeded them. It took awhile, there was some staring off into space and forgetting the question, there were some random answers with words that all together didn’t even make a sentence, there was even some nodding off, and there were also answers that I asked her what she meant and after a little bit I was able to put together what she was trying to get at.

All this advice for the price of a Dr Pepper and a hamburger.

What advice would you give to a young person today?
Use what you got.
(It seems overly simple at first until you start to think about it and the word “But” inevitably comes into your mind. Use what you got anyway.)

What advice would you give to a young single woman today?
Be prepared.
Be prepared for what?
If she’s gonna flirt with someone, she might get more than she bargains for.

What advice would you give to a young mother today?
Make sure you read the same things as the kids.
(I thought our words might have gotten mixed up, so I asked her to explain it, but we were having difficulty… ultimately she actually meant to make sure you live the life you’re telling your kids to live.)

What advice would you give to a young man today?
Treat her right.
(I asked her what if he didn’t have a girl, and I have no idea what that answer was.)

What advice would you give to a pastor today?
Tell them the truth.
(No explanation necessary)

What advice would you give to a pastors wife today? (My dad and her were pastors of several churches over the years.)
Don’t get upset when they try and throw you a net.
(Seeing as my family nickname has always been Net, I took umbrage to that and asked her to explain. We circled the world a few times before it came out that church women can sometimes be the worst in the world and they attack pastors wives. I’ve seen it in cases that didn’t involve my mom even so the general idea is, don’t get upset when the church women attack you and try and make you feel less than you are.

What advice would you give a child today?
Don’t be afraid to stand.
(Asked her to elaborate and she described something along the lines of a child not being afraid to stand up for what they feel is right even though they’re young.).

~~~

I was kicking myself for not having paper and pen, so nothing was written down and these are all done just as best as I can remember them. They may have been more that I don’t remember unfortunately.
As I said though, I want wisdom, It’s like a sweet tooth craving to me (even stronger than a Sonic Slushie, which is saying something!) So if anyone reading this has any answers to these questions of their own – please know that someone over here really wants to read your answers. What advice would you give? If you answer several and have a blog of your own I’ll be happy to publish your responses in a post as well linking to your blog. You can answer in comments or email flyawaynet@hotmail.com
I'd love to see your answers.

What will I remember?

Nearly two months ago when talking with the Lord concerning my mom's situation and how it needed to change, I felt impressed by the time frame of the second week of January. I have no further revelation beyond that, but it was just something that went through my mind during the conversation and has persisted throughout the two months.

I fasted then, agreeing with the Lord for the 2nd week of January (assuming it was an actual word from God and not just wishful thinking). 3 days into the fast I received a phone call that finally, the situation had come to a head enough to absolutely require change. The ball had begun rolling.

Tomorrow, she is scheduled to move into the nursing home. My wish is that the 2nd week of January brings her something far better than a nursing home, but if this is the answer and it just took place before the 2nd week of Jan, I'm accepting of that. God knows my hearts desire. I will serve and love Him. Period.

But it's left me holding onto moments more this weekend as I spend the days with them realizing that each event is my last. It made last nights conversation all the more poignant.

My mother has seizures, a deep chunk missing from her leg that has developed staph infection, a broken foot that has never received any treatment, and randomly suffers from dizzy spells and nausea - she passes out easily while just standing there. All that is piled on top of the nasty fear and confusion of wondering why these rotten people don't understand that she HAS to get home to her momma and daddy who don't know where she is and she's got to help them. (Her parents are so long since deceased it's surprising she doesn't remember that with her long term memory).

Last night, she's having a spell and wandering back and forth from her bed to the living room - during one trip to her bed, she lies down and calls me into the room to pray for her.

I need help, it's too much.

What is too much?

I need you to pray for me.

What is happening that I should pray for?

I don't think I can keep breathing.

Is it hard to catch your breath?

No, it's just I tell myself to breathe and it goes into my brain and gets confused there.

(My own desires make me point blank on my next question) What do you want me to pray? Do you want me to pray God will help you breathe or that God will help you go home to Him?

Oh, I can't go home yet.

Why not?

Because of Steve, he needs someone here to pray for him. He says he loves God but he just goes up and down. He isn't sold out and won't give God everything. Steve has been so good to me, all my brothers have and I just can't stand them going to hell. Someone has to tell them, to convince them, to really give all of themselves to Jesus.


She doesn't know I'm her daughter. She hates the strange man that she declares isn't her husband, she's losing the ability to put together sentences that make sense, and she can't even remember how to breathe without effort - but she knows her brothers need Jesus.

What have I made so important to me that if I lost my ability to think and remember, that this one core issue would remain engraved in my mind? I doubt my one lingering memory will be quite so noble.

And still obeys.

As time creeps closer to Christmas there is a part of me that almost panics with desperation. This year's Christmas is so incredibly difficult.

Even now, I write this weeping, struggling with envy over a brother in Christ who is about to lose his grandmother - I know that sentence doesn't make sense, but all my eyes can see is that someones suffering is over, they will see Heaven, he will only mourn a very temporal loss as he is heaven-bound as well.

I've prayed so hard for my mother to find relief. I have fasted, I have wept, I have literally groaned with emotion. Yet now, as we approach the final days before my mother enters a nursing home my imagination envisions her first night in a cold institution that is not home and cries out to God that He would let her see home.

I've struggled with God. There's always that foolish wish that God just do it, you know, whatever it is you're wanting. But He doesn't quite work that way.

Slowly I've been making my way through The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and one part caught my attention and I thought it might reach someone else the way it did me. Because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person in the world who has failed at using God as her magic lamp.

For those of you not familiar with the book, Lewis writes from the perspective of a older, wiser demon writing to a novice demon just starting out on how to best win the patient away from the Enemy (God) and over to "Our Father Below" (The Devil). The older demon/Uncle "Screwtape" writes to his nephew Wormwood:

Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

Those words convicted me when I read them because as much as I'd like the world to revolve around my answers to my prayers - it doesn't. I love Him and I want to want to serve Him even when I ache so much for her pain that I can't breathe. I love Him and I want to want to serve Him when the answers I get don't make sense, when the plans don't work out, and when the substance of things hoped for never becomes actual "substance".

So when that day comes, roughly 9 days from now, when my mother spends her first night in a building, rather than a home, I will weep again and I will feel shattered into pieces...

...and I will love You Lord.

You won't get it till you get it.

I was driving back to San Antonio from visiting my parents during the Thanksgiving holiday. Most predominately on my mind was my last moment with my mom.
When I am down, she becomes my shadow - I can't go anywhere without her hardly and when she went to bed early she had to get up several times to make sure I was still there. So Sunday morning when I put a few things into my car preparing to leave right after they left for church my mom followed me back and forth.

Finally, I stopped and we just stood outside together. She commented on the trees not having bark, two branches that were dying, and how there were a lot of cars at a neighbors house. Dad came out, told me to lock up the house behind me and we said a quick see you later so mom wouldn't catch on that I wouldn't be there when she got back.

By the time I made it back up the steps to the house I could hardly breathe it hurt so badly. I sagged against the wall and wept for my mothers constant misery.

Then I got up and I went to church.

As we sang and older song in the service one of the verses said for us to forget about ourselves and magnify the Lord and as I sang those words in my heart I realized how easy it is for me to magnify my problems, my heartaches, my whatever - until I can't see God anymore.

But on that drive home I realized something amazing surrounded the ache of grief in my heart and it was joy. Joy in the greatness of a God that is bigger than whatever troubles me. Joy that is stronger than pain. Joy that is brighter than the darkness of grief. Joy that overwhelms despair with hope.

As I considered it and how I could tell the world about it I realized that something like that just doesn't make sense. It's incomprehensible that in the middle of something horrible something so wonderful could still overpower the grief of it. And I realized, no one can get this concept until they actually get it. Until you've seen the heartache and seen how much greater God is.

I'm sorry for the circumstances under which things like this have to be learned - but I'm less afraid of tomorrow knowing the things I've learned through suffering.

Interrupting the silence,

My dear friends,

It's amazing what can happen in 2 months time.

Thank you all for bearing with me in the silence. I have one post I feel compelled to write, possibly over this weekend, but for the time being the silence will continue a bit longer.
The last 2 months have been easily the most difficult in my entire life. Looking at the problems I'm facing, perhaps I've been a bit sheltered I suppose. I'm not homeless, and I do still have my job. So while it is the most difficulty I've ever faced - I have no selfish notions that things couldn't be worse or that others aren't suffering far more dearly tonight.

In and amongst those difficult times is the fact that this is my last holiday season with my "family". As soon as the holidays have ended, I will make one special trip back North to assist my dad in placing mom in a home. Ahh, there they are, the familiar tears. The nursing home is as entirely necessary as it could be. There are no other options. From the phone calls I've attempted to handle, I can tell it is pretty close to a miracle my dad has lasted this long.

I've sat here tonight, simply listening to my Gather Homecoming dvd called "Heaven". I say I'm listening to it, but in reality I've only backtracked over and over again to listen to David Phelps sing "No More Night".

I long for a day with no more night.

I have much to say. But for awhile, the words in my mind changed directions so quickly; it certainly helped solidify the decision to not blog for awhile. I've even prayed for a strong Christian that could come along side me and I could just talk to. But, seeing as I've never settled into a home church here, along with the events of the past 2 months - I'm settled to simply resolving things between myself and God.

The words have settled down a bit for me, but I've realized that some of this I need to simply hold quietly within my heart.

All that to say, that I appreciate that you read my blog. I appreciate that you let me be a small part of your life, to be one of your stops as you come to see what I might say or do next. And I hope you know I have not stopped blogging. I will be back, it's quite possible that it may not be until after I've seen my mother safely into a nursing home after the holidays. But inbetween, I do expect at least one more post simply because it's nearly written in my mind, I just need to write it down for you to read.

I'm hurting, but I'm not without hope. I weep with grief and stress and sorrow, but I weep with the confidence that one day I will live in the light of the risen Lamb. And that one day there will be no more night, no more pain, no more crying again.

When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

I visited my parents this past weekend.

I've been hearing stories about how she's been passing out more and more often and having "spells" but this weekend I got my first opportunity to see one.

I was woke up early Saturday morning to my dad calling to me, telling me she was having a spell and he thought I should see it. So I crawled out of bed, and went to her. I found her lying on her bed, her hand clutching her robe so that the involuntary shaking of her hand would be controlled somewhat. She couldn't speak normally, and practically couldn't move.

I asked her to move her legs and she was barely able to bend only her right knee. Her feet/toes wouldn't move. Through her garbled speech she asked what was wrong with her body. And said she'd never felt that way before; and thanks to alzheimers, every event seems like the first time to her. You evil, hateful alzheimers.

My dad left the room to get her a blanket, and I was holding her hand and attempting to "straighten her toes" as she said they were cramped and were curled under, when her shaking stopped, her eyes closed, and she ceased to move.

It's one of those moments where all I could do for a moment was look at her, and shamefully I have to admit everything in me screamed "NOW GOD, NOW!" I spoke her name several times, attempting to rouse her, and doing the standard "look, listen, feel" of CPR to make sure she was breathing. About 45 seconds later she came out of it with a start and but still couldn't communicate for another minute at least. Thankfully, when she came to, her shaking had stopped, but a new problem had apparently begun and she her feet were hurting her worse. She remained immobile on the bed, tears rolling down her cheeks. I laid on the bed next to her, holding her hand and stonily refusing to cry or vomit as I begged God to take my mothers life.

I curse alzheimers to the bitter hell from which it came from.

It was 20 minutes before she could move her toes, and another 40 until she was able to get up and move to the living room.

God heard a lot of screaming during that time. Inwardly I screamed for God to take my poor, scared, confused, hurting mother, and just take her. Take her now, while I'm lying on the bed next to her because I'm selfish and it would comfort me so much to be beside her when eventually the day comes. But dear God, please make this misery stop for her.

Eventually though, we moved to the living room and she sat while dad fixed her toast and I scrambled her an egg and we just hoped she'd feel better. And I had to accept that her time wasn't today. And I had to accept it without being angry that God didn't accept that my decision on the subject was the perfect and obvious direction He should take us.
I had to accept it without that bitter disappointment that leaves you unable to speak to God for awhile until you get past the worst of it.

And you do this because God doesn't always do what you want. Because you believe that God knows best even when it hurts and frustrates you. Because when you said you trusted Him, you meant that you trusted Him in things beyond just good times. Because when you say "I love You God" and make Him LORD of your life, He has every right to expect it. Because sometimes life is hard and God is enough to get you through it. Because sometimes life hurts but God is a comfort when you can't imagine anything could comfort you. You do it because being a fair weather Christian isn't really following Christ at all. You do it, because you love Him too much to stop over this.

Something as insignificant as circumstances can never change the powerful fact that God is enough. Whether I understand or not.


PS. Alzheimers isn't what's causing these spells, and she just had an MRI to hopefully explain what's happening to her. But without alzheimers, any other illness would be more bearable. I hate alzheimers. I hate alzheimers. I hate alzheimers. I hate the devil. I hate the devil. I hate the devil.

~~~~~

Trust His Heart

All things work for our good
though sometimes we can't see how they could
struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blinds us to the truth

Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can't see Him
Remember you're never alone

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hands
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him

We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me to someday be just like Him

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand trust His heart

Protecting God.

        I have tried very hard over the last many years to be a good daughter because I've got a lot to make up for. I'm the one that didn't go to college, my brother did. I'm the one still single, my brother's married with two kids. I've tried to make up for those "failures" by being around more to help since that's what the single daughter is supposed to be good for.

But shortly after my mom began going downhill and things really became difficult for my parents, God moved me to San Antonio. My mom is there. I am here. My mom wants me there. She does not understand at all why I am not there. Some of her family have pointed out that I should be there, and while that's difficult to face, nothing - and I mean nothing - compares to my mother crying and saying she thought I would take care of her and help her.

To others, as they question what I am going to do about the situation I can only point them to her caregiver. Because it isn't me. It should be me.

        But one thing I don't do is tell the questioners why it's not me. I don't tell them God moved me to San Antonio. I don't tell them about moving in with my parents for a month, then finally going back to San Antonio because I knew I was out of Gods will.

I don't tell them that because they might think God is wrong. And apparently I feel the need to protect Gods reputation. I believe that if people heard the story, they would blame God and say that's ridiculous. Or they may just say I don't know what I'm talking about. Or maybe they won't say anything at all, but they'll walk away thinking "Just someone else that doesn't want to do the right thing and is going to pin it on God." Either way, it still looks bad on God. I'll feel like a bad daughter either way it goes so it really doesn't matter which conclusion they come to about me.

But here is the reason that daughters aren't supposed to protect their Fathers. It's simple even. Father knows best. See? Just that simple.


I know God put me here.
Everything God does is to bring glory to Himself.
So the end result of me being where He brought me is going to bring Him glory.

At least it will, if I don't try and hide His involvement. All of my wonderful "protection" is holding back some of the glory that God could be getting as I bear witness to His leading and guidance in the situation.

        That said: God moved me to San Antonio knowing that I wouldn't be around to help my mother during the hardest time in her life. I feel sick about it, but I know God has a plan and it's for our good. More than I want to help her, I need to obey God. So here we are. I don't understand it any more than you do probably. But I believe God. I'm willing to risk my mothers life on it.

I'm laying it all on the line, it's all on God. I know what I know, I believe what I believe, and God is in charge. If that means I have to do something odd - then God can have the ridicule, I'll be a willing vessel. And my words will point to Him in good things and bad.

He can handle it.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus... but to trust and obey.

Alzheimers report

I know sometimes these little things are helpful so I just wanted to take a moment to update on where mom and her alzheimers are at.

She's now in the wandering stage, she knows my dads name (most of the time) but not their relationship. She believes I'm living with her brother (his name is Jay, my brothers name is J.W. so if you're easily confused I can see how you'd make that little jump). She talks constantly about going home to her family (hence the wandering off to get to them).

She doesn't know her address, her children (though she recognizes my voice she doesn't know who I am), and her personality has changed. She went from a kind woman who wouldn't fight with anyone to a usually kind woman who will fight over anything and be rude and uncaring. Or perhaps it's only rude and uncaring to us, if we were in her world and saw things through her eyes I'd probably be really proud of her for standing up for herself. At the moment she's still hiding food from dad so he won't "eat her out of house and home." She's very upset at the strange man coming in and eating her food.

She's losing control of her bodily functions - she needs help in the restroom but won't admit it and it isn't an issue any of us have a clue how to force.

She's passing out, often, having nosebleeds and when she's having a spell where she might pass out she says her tongue feels thick. Whatever that means. Her blood pressure which was once too high, is now quite low. Her caregiver is talking about taking her to a doctor to see about that last part.

Hygiene is difficult, she refuses to shower on a regular basis (a change from 9 months ago when she showered 3-4 times a night) and once she finds an outfit she likes, it's hard to get her to wear anything but that one.

We're officially on stage 6 of 7 but I would say we're at the early beginnings of 7. In my last conversations with her there were several occasions where her speech was impaired. She couldn't say the word she was trying to say so a completely different non-word came out.

She is still currently taking Aricept though I've pushed dad to discontinue the medicine. My hope has always been that she could take the medicine for as long as possible to delay the disease, but once the disease had a horrific grip that she could discontinue it and go as quickly as possible. The situation as it is now, makes me sick. But that - as any of you with relatives, or friends with this disease know - is a sick feeling that began shortly after diagnosis and won't leave until the suffering is over for her.

On the personal side of it, I'm praying God will take her. She's leading a miserable existence constantly scared, physically in pain (she's broken her ankle) and confused. My prayer time at church the last two Sundays has been intense prayer that God would please take her. I beg, I plead, all the while following the petition with my apologies for asking such a thing. I got a call saying she'd passed out in church two Sundays ago, and I wondered if my prayers had caused it then I hated myself that maybe if I had just prayed a little bit harder...

I feel blessed that I'm able to write this without the emotions that usually hit me when I write about this horrible disease and my mother. But I've talked to others enough, and read enough articles to know that it helps to read real-life stories of what people are going through and how they're coping/not coping. If you're going through this, you have my full sympathy. I would pray that you as a husband, wife, son, daughter, sister, brother - whatever your relationship is, find a way to live through the disease yourself.

But most of all, for those of you not affected by this awful disease - I pray that you never will be.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

If you're anything like me, sometimes you might need this reminder:
This is just alzheimers. It's a disease and it's hurting a few years here on earth for my mother. But here's what I know - an eternity is waiting for her. An eternity so beautiful and beyond description in it's wonder and greatness that she could have lived each of her 62 years with the disease and it would have been worth every minute of it for her. Bad things happen, diseases happen, but God is still good. One thing doesn't change the other.

Trust Him, depend on Him, and allow Him to see you through. He will. He always will.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Tomorrow, Lord Willing, I will go here and there and do this and that.

My "Here" is Mexico. My "There" is comparison shopping at "Lindas Pharamcy" and the "Almost Free Pharmacy". My "this or that" will be buying another supply of Aricept, my mom's Alzheimers medicine.

I always feel a little daunted before I go, leaning heavily on verses like the one I just quoted from James that states with confidence that whether I go, or not go, it is the Lords will. He's got it all under His control and all I have to do is trust Him.

Sometimes, to be perfectly honest though, as much as I trust God and love Him - sometimes I'm absolutely petrified that His plans won't line up with my plans.
And yes, I realize how ridiculous that is.
But there is always a tightness in my chest as I realize that I'm standing at a moment that God could turn the tide of events in a completely different direction and... am I prepared to deal with that and accept that and love Him and trust Him all the same?

Or will I only accept His will for my life - and the lives of those I care about - when it matches up with my own plans.

I know what I want my answer to always be. But often I get that clenched gut feeling when I wonder if He will test it. He tested it the day He took Bella away and I failed miserably.

What could He test you with? Are you willing to let your answer be yes - no matter how far away from your own plans He diverts you?

I don't write this with fear or worry that somehow I'll fail God and that He'll be angry or that I'll not make Heaven because He's mad that I failed.

Though I believe God can get angry and that I could not make Heaven if He so chose.

But I write this with fear of disappointing a Savior that I know loves me beyond my imagination, beyond what I can ask or think. Beyond what my feeble typing can describe for you. I write this because I fear that as much as He's worthy of praise, I'll fail to give it. I fear that I'll be given a perfect opportunity to show how much I love and trust Him and my heart and mind will be too caught up with temporal things to embrace the chance.

I love Him.

And whatever tomorrow holds, I pray that I'll accept it with grace and dignity, humility and love. Not with pride and anger, and a frustrated reminder of my personal "rights" and space. But with the grace of God abundantly flowing out of my life.

Anyone can be gracious when the going is good and things are going as you imagine they should. But do you let God really control your life and plans even when we don't like His? Whatever I hope my answer will be, my attitude will be my true answer on those days - and I hope I am able to show all the love and honor due in that opportunity.

Silence

I'm one of those people that tends to think they're unique. My feelings are unique, my hurts are unique, my thoughts are unique, my fears are unique.

I'm sure you're not like that. I'm sure I'm the only one that feels that way.

Or perhaps every single one of you feels that same way.

But I wonder if it's not true where God is concerned. Each of us have our own unique relationship with Him. We relate in different ways, struggle with different things, and all of us just respond to life, and God, differently.

Last week I struggled to rebound after the sudden jolt I had from a happy and fun time, to the stark reminder of the reality of my moms disease and my dads decisions. Suddenly I became quiet. I was quiet because sometimes when I talked I started crying again even if the subject was as inconsequential as dinner rolls. So I spent a few days trying not to think, talk, and especially not cry.

On Sunday morning I stayed home from church and in an empty house I began doing dishes. And it made me cry again. And I finally said what I needed to say to God. I didn't know what to say until that very moment, but suddenly it just flowed out and I spoke and I cried. It hurt.

I recognize, that you don't know me. The crazy influx of readers that have begun stopping by my blog.... some of you are old friends, but most of you are strangers. So keep reading and I'll get to the part that is about you eh?

Sunday morning, I told God I needed something that was simply an impossible request for me, and even as I asked it I knew it was impossible.

And then, as my family was about to return home I left and spent the day around town just passing time. And all day long I absolutely, positively, felt His comforting presence.
So while I didn't know what I was praying for, what I needed, I received exactly that. God could have sent a person along, but my comfort doesn't come from people. It doesn't come from physical actions or words... oh sure, those things are comforting, but nothing like the comfort that God can bring.

It's too easy for us to look for worldly comfort, physical comfort, things of this world to comfort you. But God truly wants us to find our comfort in Him. And when we ask Him for that comfort, I believe He will come through.

I didn't wax eloquent with my words, I didn't say "Lord," or solemnly close with "In Jesus name, Amen".
I just cried out.
And He heard my cry.

He WILL do the same for you. He will see you through the dark nights when the money isn't there, the test results aren't good, and when the boss announces that there are layoffs coming. All you have to do is open your mouth and say the words in your heart. He can hear you even when you whisper.

Blessed be Your name though there's pain in the offering:

It was like a sucker-punch.

I suppose that's why I haven't been able to catch my breathe back yet.

In one of our rare nights out just to do something fun, our little band of people went to "The Incredible Pizza Co." a pizza place with a huge arcade area that includes Go-Karts, Mini-Golf, Bumper Cars and Bowling. We ate pizza and chocolate pudding while we watched old "Bewitched", and "I love Lucy" reruns on the television and then went and I soundly trounced my brother at Go-Karts, and then was soundly trounced myself at mini-golf.

We were playing some other game when the phone rang. My dad was calling. I flung my tickets at someone and ran out of the arcade so I could hear him. In those few seconds I fear things that no one should ever have to wonder about their parents. 38 minutes later it was over. I'd heard dad talk about mom, promised that I would make the necessary trip to Mexico for more medicine, and then talked to mom trying to convince her that she had to be nice to the man that was helping her (my dad) and she shouldn't hide food from him or try and kick him out of the house.

And I can't seem to catch my breathe now.


Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Christ is not my accuser.

I received a call this past week from my parents. My mother, as most of you might remember, has alzheimer's and desperately wanted me to come get her. It was a long, hard two hour conversation that actually crazily ended suddenly with her forgetting why she called me.

Later, I found myself wondering idly if God would ever forgive me. If there was ever any way I would be able to repent my way out of knowingly not being there for my mother. For telling her no. For hardening my heart against the accusations she tearfully flung at me and sitting here in San Antonio away from the suffering she's going through. There's no way to repent from that... this will forever be a black mark on my record. I will forever be the person that did this to her mother. How can Christ forgive that intentional choice?

And suddenly I realized what I'd done. By continuing that thought process I'd allowed myself to become at odds with Christ, separated from God by sin.

When I haven't even sinned.

The Bible describes the devil as an accuser of the brethren and it's entirely accurate. He leans into your ear and tells you of the things you feel you've failed at and lets you know that God is too good to put up with someone like you. God is too holy, to just to allow someone who would do what I've done into His presence.

But, I'm in San Antonio, far away from my "rightful place" taking care of my mother because God wants me in San Antonio. I don't know why, I don't know what purpose He has in taking me away from her now when she and my dad could use my help the most - but it was instigated by God Himself. So during this time I can either allow my accuser to separate me from Christ, or I can draw closer to Christ to help get me through the hard times.

I tell you this because it's too easy to listen to the devil. To not realize who it is that is talking to you. To understand the difference between the Holy Spirit conviction on your soul and the accuser condemning your soul. Just because you do what God wants you to do doesn't mean that everything else in the world will be wonderful. Sometimes you go to China on a missions trip just as your wife gets sick. Sometimes you happen to be visiting someone at a hospital when someone breaks into your house. Sometimes things happen.
But as long as you're doing what God wants you to do, then simply take heart in that and trust His lead. He won't ever condemn you for doing what He tells you to do. He loves you.

So be careful to examine what you think you're hearing. And any voice that's telling you God can't forgive you - well, it's not the voice to listen to.

It shall be given him.

Today brings with it sweet, blessed peace.
Peace does not mean there is no sorrow, or struggle, but sweet blessed peace can nestle itself amongst those thorns as sweetly as a rose.

I know my mother. Probably better than anyone else. And I realized today that she would want us to make her decisions for her. Not our decisions for her. But her decisions. And I knew what she would do, no matter how difficult it was for her or us.
I knew it because she spent years making these same choices and I watched and learned, and did what I do best - try to make her laugh despite the hard choices.

With that knowledge came tears, and peace.

Today I begin the process of figuring out which items I need to load up for an indefinite trip home, and continue all my research concerning alzheimers and the people who have it. God is good, when all the situations are bad.
He brings sweet, blessed peace.

He is good. Outlandishly good.

So let me tell you this, I know so many decisions have to be made and it is hard to tell where God is leading sometimes and what He would have you to do. Do not be afraid to wait on Him, to ask, and seek, and continue until you know the peace that comes with a good and right decision.
If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.

He'll help, He'll guide, He'll see you through.
It SHALL be given him.

Gentlemen, we've lost the moon.

I'm going to share something with you. It's a hard thing to share, and you may judge me for it - that's ok - I've judged myself for it as well. But I am striving for an authentic, real, genuine life that shows not just victory and faith, but the struggle as well. I hate the fact that the church world today does not show the struggle very much, except in simple things rather than the hard ones.

So I am going to tell the hard things today.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you watch Apollo 13? Terrific movie, truly. But there was a point in the movie when the men receive a command that Jim Lovell (played by Tom Hanks) realizes effectively ends their mission. They will no longer land on the moon, their mission now is to try and get home safely. It was a hard pill to swallow. Jim Lovell turns to his crew mates and says this:

"Gentlemen, we've lost the moon."

There is silence in the cabin as the men digest the information and process the disappointment.

"Gentlemen, we've lost the moon."

I feel exactly the same way.

Last week the call came that my mom was beyond my dad's care. He's tried, and he's tried hard, but she has delusions because of the Alzheimers that leave her angry concerning him and all she does is try and kick him out of the house. He couldn't do it anymore. He was ready to put her in a nursing home.

It was decided then that I would leave San Antonio and move in with them, to see how long we can stave off the nursing home. I'm leaving San Antonio.
I'm moving in with my parents.
Gentlemen, we've lost the moon.

The part I struggle with is doing this with the right attitude. Not with regret, or longing for something that I cannot have but with a full complete heart towards doing the right thing and not spending my time longing for what I can't have.

In catching up on the blog reading that I have missed this past weekend, I found the weekly prayer that Ted Gossard puts up over at "Jesus Community". The prayer this week was:

Grant us, Lord, not to anxious about earthly things, but to love things heavenly; and even now, while we are placed among things which are passing away, to hold fast to those that shall endure; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Going back is the right thing to do. And doing the right thing is something that shall endure. It's a Godly, Heavenly thing. San Antonio will pass away. Life with my niece and nephew on this earth will pass away. Doing the right thing, right here, right now will never pass away.
So:

Grant me Lord, not to be anxious about San Antonio and the kids, but to love things heavenly; and even now, when I am placed among things which are passing away, to hold fast to those that shall endure; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

What I'm praying for...

Next week I am leaving my new home in San Antonio and heading to move in with my parents to begin caring for my mother.
Dad is willing to give it a short trial to see if I can gain some control over the situation, and if I fail he is going to put her into a nursing home.

He's hurting, and tired, and stressed beyond what a person should be asked to endure.

She's tired and sick. In her few moments when she's anywhere close to her right mind she is discouraged and sad that she is making his life miserable. - Her words, not mine.

I am praying, that for whatever time I am in this situation - whether it is long-term as we hope, or only a short term try and fail - that I will have a servants heart towards both of them. That for this time I can go in and build them up, encourage, and strengthen them both. That I will have wisdom in how to use my words to control my mothers behavior so that she is compliant with me as much as possible. And that I will not get so wrapped up in my mothers issues that I fail to minister to the other person there that is hurting.

I am praying that my mothers suffering ends quickly.

Make me a servant
Humble and meek
Lord help me lift up
Those who are weak.
And may the prayer of my heart always be.
Make me a servant.
Make me a servant.
Make me a servant today.

I can, because He can.

How can it be all wrong and ok at the same time?

When you trust God.

Much has happened this week that leaves me just ripped up with sadness, questions, and helplessness. But here's something I enjoyed tonight:

I was ripping apart, I listened to my parents hurt each other over the phone. One too far gone with disease to realize what she was saying, the other too far over his head in things he doesn't yet understand how to deal with. And I broke. I wept the tears that twist your stomach, and make you clench your fist against the pain, it leaves you bent double as hurt simply consumes you. And yet I was ok.

There have been times in my life when I felt that hurt and the questions that came with the hurt were just too much to face. Doubt and fear added themselves to the hurt until the burden was unbearable. It's those times when you ask what God is doing, why is He doing this, why isn't He stopping this.

Tonight, even in a moment of utter grief I sat there fully hurting and fully trusting all at the same time. And somehow the miracle that is Gods grace, brought me through the hours on the phone dealing with a situation so far beyond my skills that I cannot even figure out where to start.

I've said it before, but I just want to say it again and again and again. As many times as it takes to get it through to some hurting person out there reading this message.

God is good.

Circumstances do not change how wonderful, how loving, how gracious and marvelous He is.
So while you and I don't understand why things are the way they are so often - trust Him anyway. He's there, He loves, He holds, He works. It may not be the situation you want to face, but regardless, God is still absolutely and positively who He says He is.

He will not change, He will not fail, He will not waver, He will not stop loving you with a love that is breathtakingly beyond compare.

Lean on Him, trust in Him, and hurt all over Him. He can handle it.

And I promise you this, if you do all that you can handle anything life throws your way. Just wait and see.

There is hope. There is always hope.

Trust is stronger.

It's funny how emotions work. No wonder the bible says they aren't to be trusted.
Today was a bad day for mom, but by the time I made my daily phone call she was doing better.
But afterwards, my niece asked if she could go for the next visit and I refused since it's been hard on her just hearing my ends of the conversations with mom. I can only imagine what an "in person" drama would do to her.
She began crying and it took 45 minutes to get it all cleaned up.

An hour later, just sitting here thinking logical, rational thoughts my heart broke and tears broke loose like a dam but here is the interesting part; I immediately got goose bumps and began praying in tongues.

El Roi - He is the God who sees me.

It sounds odd to say it but I typically have to "work up" to praying in tongues. Some people can just hit some words off on the fly, but I have to intentionally quiet myself and get into a worshipful state before things like that happen for me. But instantly this time my heart broke and words started pouring out of my mouth.

I'm big on distinguishing the words "want" and "need". If you would like me to pass the carrots, you "want" the carrots, not need. If you are asking for 30 bucks to go to the movies, you "want" it, if you are thirsty and ask for water you "need" it.
So tonight, when my heart told God "I need You to do something." I realized that in my heart I saw it as a need, but I would trust Him even without it. I accept the fact that He has true needs that He is providing and working on for every person in this world and sometimes one persons need conflicts with another persons need (whether we realize we're "needing" something or not).

God might know I need faith more than I need help with mom's alzheimer's.

When two needs collide, God does what is best. Even when it hurts.

It hurts tonight more than usual and I don't understand why. But just as clearly as hurt is present, so is trust. I'm trusting God to see my dad through. I'm trusting God to help us with the decisions. I'm trusting God to help us be patient if we are just in a waiting game to get the bad medicine out of her system.

I trust, and I hurt.

Trust is stronger.

Pray Believing.

Yesterday was a good day.
Today was mostly good until this evening when mom decided to leave him. She calls me up asking to move in with me. The medication is stopped (though despite my last post it was stopped the very night of that post rather than decreased. A special thank you to my home health worker nurse friend who confirmed the next evening that the decision was a good one.
Thanks Ms. L.

Tonight though, after an hour of conversation mom was willing to stay with him until I get there. We're all, (and trust me when I say I know how bad this sounds), hoping she just gets through this particular spell and forgets she's waiting on me. Instructions though involved a sign that says "I need to stay here until Net comes."

Dad was having a hard day too. He was trying to "prove" he was her husband and that he'd never left her. The alzheimers counselor says logic doesn't work and she's 100% right. Just makes her angry. It wasn't amusing, but my mom was rude to my dad tonight. "Would you PLEASE get off the phone so I can talk to my daughter." It's awful, it's stupid, but if you knew my mother and how she is never rude, you would have been amused too.

All that isn't about them. It's about joy. Weariness, and joy all mixed into one. I trust God in this, and He is seeing me through with comfort, but tonight He's also brought a touch of joy. Peace despite circumstances.

It's life. Life with all it's bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.

And God is good. He's goodness wrapped up inside all the bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.

And I love Him. I trust Him to get us through the next months. I trust Him to help us all make wise decisions. I trust Him with her life. With all of ours.
You can trust Him with yours too.

Have peace, let that knot in your stomach go. Breathe. What is the worst that can happen? Bad stuff, painful stuff, but nothing that eternity won't cure. So a bad few years? So an unhappy marriage? So your kids are getting in trouble? So you can't find a job? So you can't pay your bills?

Stressful I know. Hurts, I know, but you can trust in God.

Pray like all get out. Pray till you make no human sense because your agonized heart cannot help but cry out to the one who can help - but pray believing.

That phrase has always intrigued me. "Pray believing" It's only right this second that I realized a second meaning behind those words. It's not only that you pray believing for the answer you're seeking, but that you're believing - believing in God and His goodness, who He is, who He's promised to be, who you need Him to be.

Pray believing. Trust His goodness. He's good. GOOD. No matter what your situation He's still so very good. Trust that when you bring your needs to Him as a child who knows their Father cares.

Pray believing.

PS. It's raining in San Antonio. A GOOD steady (though hard) rain. It's been at it for awhile now too. We're in the middle of a 10 year drought. This is a God send.
Sometimes you have to go through a drought.
But God always makes it rain.

P.P.S. A friend wrote about me in a blog. She has a unique knack for describing people - I've always appreciated it - and she was gracious concerning me. She made the word "strange" seem almost endearing. :) She's a fellow foster parent except she is soon to be adopting her two. Lord willing and the courts don't fail.

I will trust and not be afraid.

There is a little section of me that is amused, even while I stubbornly cling to the necessity of it all.

I will trust and not be afraid.

I'm attached to my cell phone now, making certain that I do not miss any phone calls. My mothers sister is calling, and if my dad calls it is because he needs help.

I will trust and not be afraid.

I've got worship music playing, over and over and over and over and over, and there is a stubborn determination make sure these words stay true.

I will trust and not be afraid.

No disease, no sorrow, no pain today can steal this trust or make me afraid.

I trust, therefore I will not be afraid.

So many things in life come to steal your joy, your hope, your peace. Will you spend the duration of the struggle afraid? Will you fearfully jump at whatever you can do so you can feel you've done something? Or will you wait on the Lord, trusting, not afraid?

It's a lot easier to write than to do. But even though I feel the struggle within myself today, I know that I'm winning. There is sadness and deep grief, but there is also hope. Hope in the God who sees me. The God who can be trusted. The God who is and always will be. My situations don't change who God is.

And despite the fact that most of us know this, we still tend to let it change our perspective of Him. And if it's changing in a good way, as you realize more and more how great and perfect His knowledge and His ways are (even when it hurts) that's all well and good.

But it's when you let it change you for the worse, you don't get the answer you're praying for, safety isn't available, people stay sick, jobs don't come, friends let you down, events don't occur as you'd hope, it rains... those are the times you want to doubt, groan in frustration or anger, want to hurt God for hurting you.

But all that only hurts you more.

I will trust and not be afraid.

It's necessary.

Namenda causing agression and depression?

I'm sorry if this blog becomes more about the events surrounding my mother right now. I've gone back and forth about writing here concerning her but this blog has always been more for me than for anyone else so I've given myself permission. Writing about these events is my only source of comfort besides God. Hopefully a few of you will stick around even if I'm writing about things that don't speak to you.

Another bad day for mom. She started packing and called her sister to beg her to take her away from the house.
This is the first time her family has been drawn into the drama and they've mentioned a nursing home.
She isn't going into a home.

She was depressed. And again, I'm wondering about the Namenda since the worst of this started after the new medicine began. We're toning it down to the smallest dosage available to see if that corrects anything.

After an hour on the phone tonight, mom was finally able to laugh and have her regular type of conversation (She refused to speak at the beginning of the conversation which made for an interesting conversation.) And dad reported that it had helped tremendously as he could see her countenance had changed. That was comforting as I got off the phone, but at the same time my mind instantly wonders how long will that last? An hour? A night? No, probably not through the night. Nights are too hard on her.

At least one of her sisters is coming to see her tomorrow, which could be very pleasant or very difficult for her. Either way, it will probably be very difficult for them.

Sitting here now, I'm wondering if 10 months from now, when my lease is up, my housing arrangements will be to move in with them to help with her care. The very thought is... difficult. I'm trusting God to make the way and decisions clear to me. I ache, literally ache with the knowledge that I'm so far away right now and that she's hurting so much. She said more times than my heart could take that I was "too far away to do anything" that's why she called her sister.

I'm praying this is only the fault of the medicine, and that slipping her back down to the lowest dosage (5 mgs a day, rather than the recommended 10mg in the morning and 10mg at night) will help.

I hate the devil.
I hate alzheimers.
I hate this.