Monday, September 20, 2010

When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

I visited my parents this past weekend.

I've been hearing stories about how she's been passing out more and more often and having "spells" but this weekend I got my first opportunity to see one.

I was woke up early Saturday morning to my dad calling to me, telling me she was having a spell and he thought I should see it. So I crawled out of bed, and went to her. I found her lying on her bed, her hand clutching her robe so that the involuntary shaking of her hand would be controlled somewhat. She couldn't speak normally, and practically couldn't move.

I asked her to move her legs and she was barely able to bend only her right knee. Her feet/toes wouldn't move. Through her garbled speech she asked what was wrong with her body. And said she'd never felt that way before; and thanks to alzheimers, every event seems like the first time to her. You evil, hateful alzheimers.

My dad left the room to get her a blanket, and I was holding her hand and attempting to "straighten her toes" as she said they were cramped and were curled under, when her shaking stopped, her eyes closed, and she ceased to move.

It's one of those moments where all I could do for a moment was look at her, and shamefully I have to admit everything in me screamed "NOW GOD, NOW!" I spoke her name several times, attempting to rouse her, and doing the standard "look, listen, feel" of CPR to make sure she was breathing. About 45 seconds later she came out of it with a start and but still couldn't communicate for another minute at least. Thankfully, when she came to, her shaking had stopped, but a new problem had apparently begun and she her feet were hurting her worse. She remained immobile on the bed, tears rolling down her cheeks. I laid on the bed next to her, holding her hand and stonily refusing to cry or vomit as I begged God to take my mothers life.

I curse alzheimers to the bitter hell from which it came from.

It was 20 minutes before she could move her toes, and another 40 until she was able to get up and move to the living room.

God heard a lot of screaming during that time. Inwardly I screamed for God to take my poor, scared, confused, hurting mother, and just take her. Take her now, while I'm lying on the bed next to her because I'm selfish and it would comfort me so much to be beside her when eventually the day comes. But dear God, please make this misery stop for her.

Eventually though, we moved to the living room and she sat while dad fixed her toast and I scrambled her an egg and we just hoped she'd feel better. And I had to accept that her time wasn't today. And I had to accept it without being angry that God didn't accept that my decision on the subject was the perfect and obvious direction He should take us.
I had to accept it without that bitter disappointment that leaves you unable to speak to God for awhile until you get past the worst of it.

And you do this because God doesn't always do what you want. Because you believe that God knows best even when it hurts and frustrates you. Because when you said you trusted Him, you meant that you trusted Him in things beyond just good times. Because when you say "I love You God" and make Him LORD of your life, He has every right to expect it. Because sometimes life is hard and God is enough to get you through it. Because sometimes life hurts but God is a comfort when you can't imagine anything could comfort you. You do it because being a fair weather Christian isn't really following Christ at all. You do it, because you love Him too much to stop over this.

Something as insignificant as circumstances can never change the powerful fact that God is enough. Whether I understand or not.

PS. Alzheimers isn't what's causing these spells, and she just had an MRI to hopefully explain what's happening to her. But without alzheimers, any other illness would be more bearable. I hate alzheimers. I hate alzheimers. I hate alzheimers. I hate the devil. I hate the devil. I hate the devil.


Trust His Heart

All things work for our good
though sometimes we can't see how they could
struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blinds us to the truth

Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can't see Him
Remember you're never alone

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hands
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him

We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me to someday be just like Him

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand trust His heart