I don't know what someone else would get from this... but I just have to write this to document what God is doing in me.
Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.
Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.
No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".
Go.
God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.
Go.
God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.
And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."
And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.
Get me there God, somehow.
And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.
I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.
God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.
As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:
HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)
Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence
Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed
Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You
Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Showing posts with label Events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Events. Show all posts
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Michael W. Smith, Alzheimers and Hebrews 3.
It's been an incredible day.
The whole family piled into the car and trooped over to the AT&T center here in San Antonio where "church" was produced by Michael W. Smith and Max Lucado. Amazing worship service...incredible atmosphere worshipping with 14,000 other people. Amazing. MWS looked very tired.
After the trauma of yesterdays events I called my parents to see if today was going better, only to find out it most definitely wasn't. My mother, mild mannered and always smiling spent the morning screaming at her ex-husband for leaving her (he's not her ex-husband, she's just delusional during these times), threatened to kill him - including looking for his gun and threatening to cut him to pieces with a knife. She did calm down slightly while she waited for the police to arrive. That's right, she called the cops on him.
Besides deflecting the things Mrs. Hyde was throwing at him, he also got to prove to the police that he was supposed to be there, and the cars that he wouldn't allow her to drive belonged to him.
He's very tired. And we're questioning whether Namenda is actually part of the cause of her new-found violent streak. If you pray for him, or us, pray we use wisdom in making medicinal decisions for her.
I've spent a lot of time just sitting quietly before God today. I haven't the faintest idea what to say and I'm struggling with putting mom out of my mind while I worship. God deserves better than my distraction, and He also deserves for my worship to be focused on Him rather than a constant cry of "please make this better." My mind is full tonight.
That did not stop God from continuing the work He had begun in me recently. He's pushing me to watch my words, to not criticize or complain, but He's also pushing me to begin encouraging others. It's ironic how much easier it is for me to stop one bad habit than it is to start another one. I can stop complaining a lot easier than I can begin encouraging others.
Ironically enough, the pastors message tonight was about our words (surprise, surprise) and how our words are like seeds and they produce after their own kind. If I plant words of encouragement and affirmation, I will reap such - if I reap frustration and complaints, I can tell I have not planted the right seeds.
I sat down tonight to eat supper and pulled out my Bible to read as I ate, and I felt pushed to go to Hebrews chapter 3:8. I read the corresponding passage that ended up from Hebrews 3:7-14
7Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,
"Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
on the day of testing in the wilderness,
9where your fathers put me to the test
and saw my works for forty years.
10Therefore I was provoked with that generation,and said, 'They always go astray in their heart; they have not known my ways.'11 As I swore in my wrath, 'They shall not enter my rest.'"
12Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.
Reading it now, I wonder why the thought occurred to me before, but it seemed as obvious as the nose on my face that exhorting others would help ME not be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
It doesn't seem to read that way now that I'm looking at it though, but I'm still holding onto my original interpretation of it simply because I know my own heart. I know the reason that I struggle with encouraging other people is simply because of deceitful sin in my heart. You might not understand, and it might not be something you struggle with, but it's right there smack dab in the middle of my heart. It's one of the few things I can actually say I "wrestle" with. I can feel it rising in me when I try to encourage someone, but God is working on me.
So, until God finishes working this in me you may be seeing me on this topic again soon.
But I want to explain something about why this post is so... odd. Why do I include the days events, the struggle with my mothers alzheimers along with the words of Hebrews 3?
I have an answer, and it is in bold because I want you to read it, and then go back and read it again firmly to yourself.
God does not stop teaching you in the bad times. God doesn't sway all of your teaching and learning to revolve around a hard time you are facing. He expects you to trust Him with that situation and yet still continue to grow and seek Him. Your relationship with Christ isn't about what situations you face or whether you are happy, sad, mourning, or joyful.
It is for all of those times.
And beyond.
The whole family piled into the car and trooped over to the AT&T center here in San Antonio where "church" was produced by Michael W. Smith and Max Lucado. Amazing worship service...incredible atmosphere worshipping with 14,000 other people. Amazing. MWS looked very tired.
After the trauma of yesterdays events I called my parents to see if today was going better, only to find out it most definitely wasn't. My mother, mild mannered and always smiling spent the morning screaming at her ex-husband for leaving her (he's not her ex-husband, she's just delusional during these times), threatened to kill him - including looking for his gun and threatening to cut him to pieces with a knife. She did calm down slightly while she waited for the police to arrive. That's right, she called the cops on him.
Besides deflecting the things Mrs. Hyde was throwing at him, he also got to prove to the police that he was supposed to be there, and the cars that he wouldn't allow her to drive belonged to him.
He's very tired. And we're questioning whether Namenda is actually part of the cause of her new-found violent streak. If you pray for him, or us, pray we use wisdom in making medicinal decisions for her.
I've spent a lot of time just sitting quietly before God today. I haven't the faintest idea what to say and I'm struggling with putting mom out of my mind while I worship. God deserves better than my distraction, and He also deserves for my worship to be focused on Him rather than a constant cry of "please make this better." My mind is full tonight.
That did not stop God from continuing the work He had begun in me recently. He's pushing me to watch my words, to not criticize or complain, but He's also pushing me to begin encouraging others. It's ironic how much easier it is for me to stop one bad habit than it is to start another one. I can stop complaining a lot easier than I can begin encouraging others.
Ironically enough, the pastors message tonight was about our words (surprise, surprise) and how our words are like seeds and they produce after their own kind. If I plant words of encouragement and affirmation, I will reap such - if I reap frustration and complaints, I can tell I have not planted the right seeds.
I sat down tonight to eat supper and pulled out my Bible to read as I ate, and I felt pushed to go to Hebrews chapter 3:8. I read the corresponding passage that ended up from Hebrews 3:7-14
7Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,
"Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
on the day of testing in the wilderness,
9where your fathers put me to the test
and saw my works for forty years.
10Therefore I was provoked with that generation,and said, 'They always go astray in their heart; they have not known my ways.'11 As I swore in my wrath, 'They shall not enter my rest.'"
12Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.
Reading it now, I wonder why the thought occurred to me before, but it seemed as obvious as the nose on my face that exhorting others would help ME not be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
It doesn't seem to read that way now that I'm looking at it though, but I'm still holding onto my original interpretation of it simply because I know my own heart. I know the reason that I struggle with encouraging other people is simply because of deceitful sin in my heart. You might not understand, and it might not be something you struggle with, but it's right there smack dab in the middle of my heart. It's one of the few things I can actually say I "wrestle" with. I can feel it rising in me when I try to encourage someone, but God is working on me.
So, until God finishes working this in me you may be seeing me on this topic again soon.
But I want to explain something about why this post is so... odd. Why do I include the days events, the struggle with my mothers alzheimers along with the words of Hebrews 3?
I have an answer, and it is in bold because I want you to read it, and then go back and read it again firmly to yourself.
God does not stop teaching you in the bad times. God doesn't sway all of your teaching and learning to revolve around a hard time you are facing. He expects you to trust Him with that situation and yet still continue to grow and seek Him. Your relationship with Christ isn't about what situations you face or whether you are happy, sad, mourning, or joyful.
It is for all of those times.
And beyond.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The next day after
I woke up Monday morning at 2am. And haven't gotten back to sleep since.
I'm weary, but I'm also wide-awake.
Driving home from work last night, I had to maneuver past several blocks of television trailers, huge vans with satellites, and cars and trucks with some media logo on it. Driving past, I saw three separate news people standing in front of their cameras, telling the story our city now has to tell. And I wondered, how they do it.
Do they simply turn off their emotions and forget the grief and destruction they've seen?
When they go home at night, eat dinner with family or alone, maybe watch themselves on tv, do they feel overwhelmed? How do they go from story to story, destruction to destruction, crime to crime, sin to sin, without falling apart after a time?
Those stories about the woman who hung her children, the guy that lost it and murdered his grandmother for drug money, the 9 firefighters that died fighting a blaze in Charleston, those stories were all written by human beings. Emotional, feeling human beings that go into prisons and talk to murderers. They talk to phony politicians and business owners that don't care that they swindled someone out of money. They're caring individuals that write about the older lady that was found in her home deceased - 3 days after she had passed away - and then go home and read a bedtime story to their children.
I know reporters are not generally considered in a sympathetic way. But as I began to feel overwhelmed by the stories I was being told, I began to wonder how those reporters did this every day. And, most especially, how do they do it without leaning on God? At least I have an off button on the news. At least I have God.
I wish I had words to know how to pray for all these people. But so far I've yet to make it past "Oh God". The bible describes Christ as someone who can discern the thoughts and intents of our hearts. I'm just going to rely on that.
I'm weary, but I'm also wide-awake.
Driving home from work last night, I had to maneuver past several blocks of television trailers, huge vans with satellites, and cars and trucks with some media logo on it. Driving past, I saw three separate news people standing in front of their cameras, telling the story our city now has to tell. And I wondered, how they do it.
Do they simply turn off their emotions and forget the grief and destruction they've seen?
When they go home at night, eat dinner with family or alone, maybe watch themselves on tv, do they feel overwhelmed? How do they go from story to story, destruction to destruction, crime to crime, sin to sin, without falling apart after a time?
Those stories about the woman who hung her children, the guy that lost it and murdered his grandmother for drug money, the 9 firefighters that died fighting a blaze in Charleston, those stories were all written by human beings. Emotional, feeling human beings that go into prisons and talk to murderers. They talk to phony politicians and business owners that don't care that they swindled someone out of money. They're caring individuals that write about the older lady that was found in her home deceased - 3 days after she had passed away - and then go home and read a bedtime story to their children.
I know reporters are not generally considered in a sympathetic way. But as I began to feel overwhelmed by the stories I was being told, I began to wonder how those reporters did this every day. And, most especially, how do they do it without leaning on God? At least I have an off button on the news. At least I have God.
I wish I had words to know how to pray for all these people. But so far I've yet to make it past "Oh God". The bible describes Christ as someone who can discern the thoughts and intents of our hearts. I'm just going to rely on that.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
The day after
Reality has set in.
Grief has set in.
These are my people. And they're tired, they're hurting, and they're scared.
The majority of them have problems that can be fixed with a little elbow grease and sweat.
There are some though, who will forever mourn a loss that money could not replace.
My heart is broken for what they're suffering. May God have mercy.
Maybe you don't know my city. Maybe you don't know my people. Maybe you think this is small in the grand scheme of things. Maybe not enough people died for you to care. Maybe it's too far away, and unreal for you to care. Maybe you think my city is too full of druggies and trailer trash to care what happens to a few of them. Maybe there are too many other things for you to care about, for you to care deeply about this as well.
That's alright.
God cares.
Grief has set in.
These are my people. And they're tired, they're hurting, and they're scared.
The majority of them have problems that can be fixed with a little elbow grease and sweat.
There are some though, who will forever mourn a loss that money could not replace.
My heart is broken for what they're suffering. May God have mercy.
Maybe you don't know my city. Maybe you don't know my people. Maybe you think this is small in the grand scheme of things. Maybe not enough people died for you to care. Maybe it's too far away, and unreal for you to care. Maybe you think my city is too full of druggies and trailer trash to care what happens to a few of them. Maybe there are too many other things for you to care about, for you to care deeply about this as well.
That's alright.
God cares.
Monday, June 18, 2007
It's been a morning.
For this week's adventure, I'm filling in for my brother while he goes on vacation. And I'm doing my own work as well.
My brother has a paper route, so at 2am this morning I hopped out of bed and headed out the door. I was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready to go.
By 7am, the route still wasn't finished. During my route about 8 inches of rain poured from the sky, 6 inches of that is still floating around in my car. (8 inches isn't a joke either, it's what the weather channel is saying). And as for that 6 inches, that's not too much of a joke either. I was driving around, for 3 and a half hours with the window down. As if that wasn't enough, at one point from the houses on my right, to the houses on my left, all I could see was water, and through the torrents of rain I made out two reflectors which I prayed (and boy did I pray) were marking the right side of the ditch, and not the left. I was either floating my way down the street, across someones yard, or right over the ditch itself. From the safety of 9:42am, I really don't care. At one point, the road became road again, and my wheels drove me on.
It was a morning. Let me tell you that.
Unfortunately, by 7am, I had to stop. The city streets were even worse because the rain was still pouring down and some of the houses, unless I industriously decided to walk their newspaper to them, were just going to have to be out of luck.
But by that time, the highway (my route home) the street to the highway, and the interstate (another method of getting to the highway) were all closed due to flooding. I was stranded, sopping wet, 15 miles from home.
So I'm sitting here, (still stranded) at my office. I've opened up the office despite the fact that I look, feel, and probably smell like a recently drowned rat. My co-worker is stranded at home, and I'm sitting here at work, damp, with the heater on trying to not catch a cold.
One of the first phone calls I fielded this morning was from the Red Cross (I'm a volunteer) asking if I could help open up one of the two emergency shelters they're opening this morning. And on channel 11 news right now, they're showing video footage of my city, (Gainesville, Tx) with people boating around trying to rescue other people. News helicopters are flying over head as I type this.
It's been a morning. Let me tell you that.
God is good, and I'm happy, even when I'm cold and wet.
Update: 10:45am - They're still rescuing people off roofs. To clarify, people walking in water are pushing boats over to houses to collect people from their roofs. Why? Why don't these people just get down and walk to safety? Some of these people have a (now) dry front porch. If they're afraid of the water sweeping them away (it appears to be less than knee deep on the one particular section the news is focused on) why don't they take their children from the hot roof, and put them on the porch?
Update: 11:00am - News report if you want to see it. And video
Update: 11:30am - I'm still wet. Channel 11 news has begun showing reruns of old rescues, and finally a commercial. Things must be winding down.
Update: 3:57pm - I'm finally dry. The news helicopters are still circling around like vultures. I drove down the highway this afternoon and discovered a local grocery store's parking lot (a section of it, not the whole thing) pulled apart just like a jigsaw puzzle. Standing water still fills the medians so they look like huge pools in the middle of the highway. Cars and firetrucks, ambulances, police cars, in multitudes everywhere. And in unrelated news.
My brother has a paper route, so at 2am this morning I hopped out of bed and headed out the door. I was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready to go.
By 7am, the route still wasn't finished. During my route about 8 inches of rain poured from the sky, 6 inches of that is still floating around in my car. (8 inches isn't a joke either, it's what the weather channel is saying). And as for that 6 inches, that's not too much of a joke either. I was driving around, for 3 and a half hours with the window down. As if that wasn't enough, at one point from the houses on my right, to the houses on my left, all I could see was water, and through the torrents of rain I made out two reflectors which I prayed (and boy did I pray) were marking the right side of the ditch, and not the left. I was either floating my way down the street, across someones yard, or right over the ditch itself. From the safety of 9:42am, I really don't care. At one point, the road became road again, and my wheels drove me on.
It was a morning. Let me tell you that.
Unfortunately, by 7am, I had to stop. The city streets were even worse because the rain was still pouring down and some of the houses, unless I industriously decided to walk their newspaper to them, were just going to have to be out of luck.
But by that time, the highway (my route home) the street to the highway, and the interstate (another method of getting to the highway) were all closed due to flooding. I was stranded, sopping wet, 15 miles from home.
So I'm sitting here, (still stranded) at my office. I've opened up the office despite the fact that I look, feel, and probably smell like a recently drowned rat. My co-worker is stranded at home, and I'm sitting here at work, damp, with the heater on trying to not catch a cold.
One of the first phone calls I fielded this morning was from the Red Cross (I'm a volunteer) asking if I could help open up one of the two emergency shelters they're opening this morning. And on channel 11 news right now, they're showing video footage of my city, (Gainesville, Tx) with people boating around trying to rescue other people. News helicopters are flying over head as I type this.
It's been a morning. Let me tell you that.
God is good, and I'm happy, even when I'm cold and wet.
Update: 10:45am - They're still rescuing people off roofs. To clarify, people walking in water are pushing boats over to houses to collect people from their roofs. Why? Why don't these people just get down and walk to safety? Some of these people have a (now) dry front porch. If they're afraid of the water sweeping them away (it appears to be less than knee deep on the one particular section the news is focused on) why don't they take their children from the hot roof, and put them on the porch?
Update: 11:00am - News report if you want to see it. And video
Update: 11:30am - I'm still wet. Channel 11 news has begun showing reruns of old rescues, and finally a commercial. Things must be winding down.
Update: 3:57pm - I'm finally dry. The news helicopters are still circling around like vultures. I drove down the highway this afternoon and discovered a local grocery store's parking lot (a section of it, not the whole thing) pulled apart just like a jigsaw puzzle. Standing water still fills the medians so they look like huge pools in the middle of the highway. Cars and firetrucks, ambulances, police cars, in multitudes everywhere. And in unrelated news.
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