Lemons and Lessons

I own a lemon. I bought it at the very end of October. It was an ugly shade of red, in the right price range, and it got an all clear from a mechanic that I took it to. The very first car I've ever taken to a mechanic before purchasing, ironically enough.

Two weeks after purchase, my brakes failed. $466.95 to fix.
Not even two weeks after that, a pulley withered away and they had to drop my engine to get to it. $480 to fix.
Just barely a week later some unknown issue with my transmission won't allow the car to shift gears. The mechanic I talked to thinks he knows what it is and if my lemon has the piece on the outside of the transmission it's a fairly easy fix. If it's inside the transmission it's going to be like having my transmission rebuilt. I had to have it towed - $$$ - and tomorrow I find out what the official verdict is for the lemon.

As I sat for nearly an hour waiting for the lemon tow guy to arrive I simply had to ask something: "God, did I tick You off?"

I've been spoiled with so many blessings that it's easy to confuse blessings with favor and problems with disfavor. But as I sat there, pondering when you give up on a lemon and how long a person should keep trying or whether I'm a doofus for having tried this long; I couldn't help but ask that question. Are You mad at me?

But tonight, sitting here with a kitten in my lap I considered how pathetic I should become.
I got this dumb kitten maybe a month ago. It was right after the kids left the house, the neighbors had several kittens whose momma cat had died shortly after birth and the lady and her husband had been bottle feeding them. Finally at 4 weeks old the husband was giving them away or taking them to a shelter. I felt bad for the kittens, and considered how having one of these in the house would help keep me firm on my decision not to foster again (pet rules are ridiculous); I snagged one.

Today, still insanely small and likely as not to die just from being underfoot, this kitten has one huge preference in life: it just wants to sit in my lap. The moment I sat down to write this blog I had to remove it from my lap 3 times in just the few moments it took to put my laptop in my lap. Even now, he's wedged himself onto my lap right inbetween me and the laptop.

He follows me around the house - even trails me next door and back when I go to visit. He's almost - almost - as good as a dog.

But he's also obnoxious too and he's had some special moments where he was "taught" that some things weren't allowed in the house. The first time he climbed on my piano for example... But he has yet to hold a grudge. He never seems to worry about discipline no matter how strict or frustrated I get with him. He just does what he wants, and is slowly learning what not to do - and that the word "no" means something.

No matter what though, when I sit down I can fully expect that he is going to come climbing up.

It may seem irreverent but I couldn't help but think - so what if God is mad at me? God, if You are mad, teach me, lead me, smack me around with difficult circumstances until I learn to do what You want me to do. I'm sorry I'm stupid and undisciplined about some things - but while You're teaching me, just let me be in Your presence. Let me sit with You, let me be near You.
Hurt me if You must, bankrupt me with lemon after lemon, take my health, take my family. But God, when You sit, I want to sit with You. As You walk from room to room, I want to follow You. When I see You walk out the door, Lord I want You to have to restrain me to keep me from following after You.

I'm diligent in my life to try and not be "needy" towards people. They have their own burdens and don't need mine so I take care of myself and rarely look to others asking for support. But I'm constantly needing the reminder that I need to be needy with God. I need to be the pathetic little kitten that just got in trouble that doesn't care that it's in trouble as long as it's in His presence.

Perhaps one day I'll be as smart as this dumb kitten.

Though I'm not sure if God might be more of a dog-person.

The dangers of magnification

I was tweezing my eyebrows.

More information than you wanted to know I'm sure, but without telling you that important detail the rest doesn't really make sense. So... I was tweezing my eyebrows and that's where this story begins.

Thanks to my renters leaving a lot of personal items in my renthouse that needed to be disposed of, I am now in possession of a handy little mirror. It's small, perfectly round, and intensely magnified. You have to get it really close to your face for anything to make sense, but magnify things it certainly does.

It was incredibly helpful with finding the small hairs that would have been hard to see. And after awhile, I had the job done....

Except...

I was still looking at my eyebrows through super magnification.

They looked at least a feet long, with huge logs of hair at least 6 inches with roots the size of tulip bulbs danging off the end. It was grotesque. I wondered how people stood looking at me without pointing at laughing at the logs above my eyes. I very seriously considered pulling out every last hair.

Then I went grumpily to another mirror to see my eyebrows through a regular mirror only to discover they looked like they always have, except now they were tweezed to betterment. My forehead wasn't a disaster of uni-brow. And people won't be pointing and laughing anytime soon - at least not over my eyebrows.

I would have thought magnification was a wonderful thing. It helps you see flaws and imperfections so you can fix them. Close study, and observation helps magnify so many other problems - it can't be a bad thing can it?

Yes, yes it can.

In our lives, too often we get absorbed in the problems. We get deep into the thick of them with our ideas and notions to fix things and too often fail to remember that the general structure wasn't a bad thing, it just needed a little bit of tweezing around the edges. But, as I learned, once you get into a magnified problem, everything about it can often look like a problem when it isn't.

Perspective is very important.

In my life, I've noticed that it's hard to me to get past issues once I've decided they're a problem. I dwell on them, sulk in them, let them dictate my life choices and burdens that I'm willing to carry. Sometimes it takes something difficult happening in a totally different area of my life for me to be able to step back from one problem and deal with the other. Once I've stepped back, when I turn around I realize that the first problem wasn't so awful after all.

You need magnification to do corrections, but once those corrections are done it's important to take a step away from the situation before you go changing other things. I nearly lost my eyebrows in this case, but in others... I very well may have lost valuable relationships that mean the world to me. I may have plucked out beautiful directions that my life could have detoured into. Or I maybe am just living with obvious issues that are simply consequences of magnification overload.

I was genuinely surprised when I looked in the mirror and found out I didn't look like my little magnifier showed me. And as I put the little mirror away I couldn't help but sternly inform it that it was a dangerous tool that I would need to use wisely.

Because sometimes a mirror isn't just a mirror.

Psalms 93

I woke up this morning thinking about these scriptures:

Psalm 93
1The LORD reigneth, he is clothed with majesty; the LORD is clothed with strength, wherewith he hath girded himself: the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved.

2Thy throne is established of old: thou art from everlasting.

3The floods have lifted up, O LORD, the floods have lifted up their voice; the floods lift up their waves.

4The LORD on high is mightier than the noise of many waters, yea, than the mighty waves of the sea.

5Thy testimonies are very sure: holiness becometh thine house, O LORD, for ever.

I’ve been focusing in lately on the strength of God, as our ROCK as David defines Him in Psalms 27. There is just a sense of confidence that comes from living and acting on the strength of God rather than your own strength. At first it’s scary as all get out, but as you see how firm and solid and reliable He is to meet every single need that fear changes to something like relief as He carries the burden of being strong enough, and you simply carry the burdens of being willing enough to do what He asks.

A time for living and a time for building...

Friday evening was difficult. At 9pm I was loading my car with cleaning supplies, and tools and such to 'fix-it' and even a 2-wheel dolly to 'move-it' since I knew I had a large item to move. I knew the weekend would be too short to accomplish everything I needed to get done in a short 36 hours.

As I loaded my car I suddenly had the thought: "I don't want to go." I didn't want to make this trip. I wanted to stay in San Antonio and continue all the preparations for the work needed here. And as I worked to have a good attitude about the work and trip and interruption to my little world here I suddenly realized something so basic that I don't know why I haven't enjoyed this thought sooner:
I'm building a life.

I'm not just living a life, I'm building it. I'm building things, jobs, memories, experience, relationships and even a house to last my lifetime.

Perhaps, when I'm old and gray I'll retire from the "workforce" and simply maintain the big things I've built through the years, and maybe build a few things - new relationships, new experiences, etc. But now isn't the time for me to rest. It is the time to build.
I'm building a life.

And it reminded me of something I've long since wondered about. Do you recall when Jesus turns to His disciples and says "I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, ye may be also."

Those words have always made me stop because my Savior isn't up in Heaven with a hammer and nails building me a nice mansion. He created the world in 6 days. So I'm pretty sure He had my little niche in Heaven knocked out before I turned 4 hours old.

And while I don't quite think this is the answer to the questions I've always had about that verse, I couldn't help but imagine something along these lines:

He's building me an eternity.

He's building me opportunities for relationships, to give, to learn, to grow. He's lining up moments of pain that break and mold me into what He needs me to be in His Kingdom. He's building significant moments of joy and challenging times of decisions. He's building me. And He's building me an eternity.

How to make yourself not sick.

Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones Proverbs 16:24

It's a natural talent I have to completely freak out while sitting perfectly calmly. I didn't have any special training for it, though life did give me enough experience to perfect the art, and perfected it I certainly have.
I was at work when something happened to completely throw me a curve. I flipped out. I cried, I ranted, I moved out of state, I quit my job, I said all those things that you wish you could say but you can't, I ran away from home. Suffice it to say I had my own personal meltdown: and it all took place in my mind. I simply sat there, staring at my computer screen, clicking buttons to process my claim while I melted down.
As I regained control of my mind, before I got to the point where I would eventually remind myself that God is in control; something strange happened:
I began sweating.
Then I got the chills.
Then my stomach got queasy.
Then I felt a rush of heat and began sweating again.

Then I ran for the bathroom.

I'm not one who gets sick a lot. And I can't remember the last time that I threw up for no good reason. As I began pondering things that you only ponder while sitting on the nasty floor of a public restroom I knew, deep down, that I had done this to myself. My attitude and my emotions affected my body.
And I began remembering all the different ways Solomon finds to say that our words, wisdom, and attitudes affect our bodies. So, keep in mind when I say this I know that obviously it's not true in every case. Sometimes I'm sick and I know why I'm sick and it's no big deal. But on that day, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my attitude had made me sick.

So next time you're suffering from something mild (I won't name things off lest you jump on me saying that you've got it and it's nothing to call mild) I want you to ask yourself if there's a good reason for it or if maybe your attitude has caused it.
Fear:

We all know by now the negative effects of fear, stress, and anxiety to our bodies. Angina, Arrhythmias, asthma, allergies, high blood pressure, irritable bowel, tension headaches, strokes, impotence, insomnia, diabetes, prostatitis, malabsorption, eczema are but a few of the many diseases known to be stress related.

Anger:

It is important to understand what happens to the body when one becomes angry. In a moment of anger, you may experience muscle tension, grinding of teeth and teeth clenching, ringing in the ears, flushing, higher blood pressure, chest pains, excessive sweating, chills, severe headaches or migraines.


With chronic anger people can also experience peptic ulcers, constipation, diarrhea, intestinal cramping, hiccups, chronic indigestion, heart attacks, strokes, kidney problems, obesity, and frequent colds. Medical experts have found the heart muscle is affected by anger, and anger can actually reduce the heart's ability to properly pump blood.


The results of prolonged anger can harm the body's largest organ, the skin. People who hold in their anger often have skin diseases such as rashes, hives, warts, eczema and acne. Researchers have studied the relationship of anger and skin disorders and discovered that when a person resolves his anger, skin disorders dramatically improve.


One of the major effects anger has on the body is the release of chemicals and hormones, primarily the adrenaline and non-adrenaline. The adrenaline hormones act on all organs that reach the sympathetic nervous system, stimulating the heart, dilating the coronary vessels, constricting blood vessels in the intestines, and shutting off digestion.

These are just two of the main ones people struggle with. But our bad attitudes are killing us. Maybe your issues are due to something different - but I know at least some of you out there, like me, sometimes make your own problems for yourselves. And I think changing the way we think is a good place to start.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things Philippians 4:8

Be anxious for nothing.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

The preacher stopped in the middle of his sermon today about God being the Alpha and Omega and he said he felt God wanted him to say something to someone: "Be anxious for nothing, the Bible doesn't say 'be anxious for some things' but be anxious for nothing. I feel there is someone here holding onto a burden and God wants me to tell you "Don't worry"

He also said "God is large and in charge" but I think it takes away from the moment. ;)

He then carried on with his sermon and his original 4 points to make, but those words stayed with me. I've said I trusted God and I do, but I've got a burden that I've been trying to carry myself rather than just leaving the entire event in Gods hands.

This afternoon, I feel lighter than I have in months. And I can honestly say the burden has been cast onto God. And I've left it there. Sure, I may pick it up again - I tend to do things like that - but for this moment the peace of God that passeth all understanding is keeping my heart and my mind through Christ Jesus.

And I'm enjoying it.

I've got a house that I purchased for myself but ended up renting out when I moved down here. My tenants are moving out this month - something that could hurt me financially if I don't get another (hopefully good) tenant quickly.
And I've got plans, Gods plans, to be a foster parent again. An endeavor that I know from experience is very expensive.

Both of these things have weighed on my mind as I wondered how I was going to do all the things I needed to do. But as the preacher said the words "Be anxious for nothing" it was truly as if God Himself turned to me and said "Jeanette, be anxious for nothing." And I believed Him. Suddenly the question became "How is God going to have me do all these things He's got planned?"

The problem became Gods almost as if the pastors words were the "open sesame" to my freedom. I don't know the hows, and the whats. But for tonight, I'm resting in peace that goes beyond my ability to understand and I'm just trusting God. And I know I've said that before, but during those letters I wrote to my friends, and during those blog posts, I was still tense and nervous about how I was going to do it with God helping me.

God has officially reversed the roles and I'm helping Him now.
So friends, truly, if God says be anxious for nothing... He means be anxious for nothing. So try it.

3 Lessons about a blind mans story

I was reading a story from John 9 about the blind man, and I want to share it:

And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.
And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.
I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.
When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay,
And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam, (which is by interpretation, Sent.) He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing.
The neighbours therefore, and they which before had seen him that he was blind, said, Is not this he that sat and begged?
Some said, This is he: others said, He is like him: but he said, I am he.

Lesson 1: I am he.
Too often when we get saved or pulled out of our addictions and filth we pretend "That wasn't me". We hide our nasty past, the filth and stain. We hide that we begged on the street corner. We hide that we hid our Playboys under the mattress. We hide that we did jail time. We hide that we were people that you wouldn't want to know.

Not this man. Is this he that sat and begged? They weren't sure, but he made sure they knew. "I am he."
Claim your past and all it's gory nastiness to the glory of God. You were who you were, but now you ARE what He's made you.

The story continues...

Therefore said they unto him, How were thine eyes opened?
He answered and said, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed mine eyes, and said unto me, Go to the pool of Siloam, and wash: and I went and washed, and I received sight.

Lesson 2: "A man that is called Jesus..."
That's how his story starts. Mine would have started with "I'd been blind for a long time and was begging, but I'd heard about this man called Jesus that could heal..."
He took the "I" right out of the story and began the focus where it should be. It's words that give me tingles when I imagine how many stories can start with that. What happened?? "Well, let me tell you - A man called Jesus..."
When people asked how your life turned around, how black sin became white as snow - they're not really asking about you. They're asking where to get some. Start the story where it belongs.

And the story goes on...

Then said they unto him, Where is he? He said, I know not.

Lesson 3: "I don't know"
Give me one good encounter with God and I'll write a thousand posts on how to get close to Him and enjoy His presence. But the truth is, sometimes there are questions about God we can't answer. We just don't know. Forget human answers, and when you don't know simply tell the truth. "I don't know." There are bookstores full of man-made ideas on how to find peace, how to live your best life now, how to run your home and family and remain pure and keep your wife happy. We're a generation with answers. If we don't know we'll simply google it and have an answer in 0.28 seconds with 1,992,375,092 results.
Learn to say "I don't know." Because truthfully, we need to stop looking to pastors, teachers, friends, supports for all our answers about God and how to find Him and walk with Him - and ask God. All those supports are good, but when used as an alternative to simply asking God they are a poor substitute that leave you lacking the real answers you need.

*Story found John 9:1-12 and beyond*

The blue chair.

I am not a materialistic person. I don't like "stuff", to a rather eccentric extreme. So when I started making decisions concerning what of my "stuff" would come with me to my new home next month I didn't think of anything except getting rid of more "stuff". A project like that usually makes me happy. I see empty spaces and smile.

That was until today.

As we discussed what furniture I would take with me, and which would go with my brothers family, and which needed to be gotten rid of my blue chair came under scrutiny. It's a "recliner" in the loosest sense of the word since it doesn't actually recline. Or, should the unthinking victim actually attempt to recline, they find themselves reclined to a rather unnatural extreme and unable to unrecline themselves. It's amusing to watch.

But the blue chair was very comfortable for plain old sitting.

But that's not why I cried after it left.

I can remember, picture in my mind, as if it happened just moments ago my sweet, sturdy, beautiful Bell climbing into that chair, far too big for her and sitting, chubby legs askew. I've got pictures of her in just that spot.
I remember taking pictures of Baby and Toddles, my first duo placement, as they sat together in that chair.
And how well I remember Little One sitting in that chair, laying in that chair, eating her favorite banana in that chair.
I remember Sniffles who seemed to fall asleep lying out across the chair.

I looked at the empty lines the frame left on the floor after the man had carried away such a treasure, and I just cried. I miss those babies, but more than anything else in this world I miss my Bell. I'd have given everything I have for that child, and now her chair is gone.

I didn't think it was important. And in truth, it probably isn't. It is still just a chair, the memories are still mine. But if I had it to do over again... I would just crowd my future living room with my blue chair. And be happy.