In the deepest recesses of my absolute being something inside me cries out simply this: "Dear God, please let her be mine."
I'm living, right now, every moment as a gift and am jealously guarding them not wanting to lose time, precious time, numbered time, with Precious. I've loved children before. Loved and returned them back to their original owners. One time before I looked at one child as different, the bond was different, stronger than it had been with some of the other kids I'd fostered. But the time came and I let her go.
I didn't get into foster parenting to adopt. But every once in awhile, someone comes along to change that.
Before I ever met Precious in NICU, before I donned the yellow surgical gown and washed my hands, there was something deep inside me that was anxious to get to her. There was something that said she was mine and that I was not where I should be when I finally received news she was being placed with me and that I could visit her at 8pm when the visiting hours re-opened. On my very first visit, driving to the hospital, I looked down at my speedometer and discovered that I was going 85 miles per hour. I wouldn't have been able to tell you why except that she was in a scary, foreign world to me called NICU and that I needed to be there.
I stayed late that night, holding, looking, feeling the scary symptoms of things I'm not allowed to name.
She came into my home, and I rocked her, and held her, and she was mine.
I loved her before I knew her, and I wouldn't even be able to tell you how that was even possible.
But a couple of weeks ago I finally loved her enough. I began to love her the way she deserves to be loved by me.
I've prayed for every child in my home, and I have prayed for Precious.
But I've also prayed for every childs parents and I have not prayed for the parents of Precious. And finally, a couple of weeks ago, with anguish of heart I prayed that prayer. I prayed it earnestly. Sincerely. I prayed for Gods perfect will in their lives, that the enemy attacking their lives would be bound and the chains holding so tightly onto the parents would be broken.
Even now, it hurts to even type those words. I want to cry.
But there was something in praying it, and finally being able to mean it, that released me. It released in me the joy of knowing that I am doing every single thing I possibly can for this intensely precious and wonderful little being that God so .... wonderfully, graciously... amazingly.. put into my home.
Precious is my here and now, but God is my eternity. I will love God more than I love her. I will obey Him, and serve Him with all of my being even when it contradicts what my heart that loves her wants to do. I will desire Him more than I so deeply desire her. And after releasing MY desires for her and placing them in Gods hands and praying HIS desires for the situation I discovered that I am loving her with GODS love, rather than just my own. A concept I've heard another preacher (Matt Chandler) talk about before but never quite grasped.
So tonight as I held her and softly patted her back, I whispered in her ear over and over again "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you." and part of my intelligent mind said "Maybe I should be saying "Jesus loves you" so that she'll grow up hearing those words as well?"
And I realized... with a bit of amazement... that I'd told her just that.
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The treasures of darkness
And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the LORD, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel. Isaiah 45:3
There is a whole byplay going on in these chapters in Isaiah, that I'm certainly taking the verse out of it's context by displaying only one. However, my ideas on the verse and how they display Gods nature are still fitting (I think).
There was something incredible about that verse that struck me, because anyone that knows me knows that before moving to San Antonio I was going through a pretty dark time. So when I read that verse, I was gripped by it's choice of words. "treasures of darkness", "hidden riches of secret places". Riches in secret places.. Treasures OF darkness - suggesting that the darkness itself is the treasure.
I spend so much of the time surrounding holidays looking for the right gift for people. Not just a gift, not just something they'll like, but that special gift that leaves them happy and excited and never having imagined that they would receive such a gift. I stink at that kind of shopping - but its what I try for none-the-less.
And in so many ways, that's exactly what God has done for me throughout the year. I've discovered treasures and gifts I didn't imagine for myself, yet here they are gracing my life. When He handed me darkness, I didn't treasure it, I didn't say "Wow God! Thanks! It's just what I've always wanted!" But now, a year and a half past the awfulness of it all, I know a darkness that has become a treasure rather than a minefield of suffering.
In those secret places where I sat alone with God and literally screamed at Him for what He'd done - I've found the riches of a relationship with a God I can reach out and not just touch, but grip. I found a God who grips me as well. I've found riches that amaze me.
So when I read a verse and it says: "And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the LORD, which call thee by name, am the God of Israel." I believe it. I absolutely believe it.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sharing your miracles - Testify.
One of my many favorite songs is one that simply says "Look what the Lord has done" then it goes on to list what He's done. "He healed my body, He touched my mind, He saved me just in time." That old song makes me happy.
But it's a story that isn't meant to be confined to song.
It's a story that's meant to be told.
One of my many complaints with our local churches today is that there is rarely an opportunity to testify. But as I came across something to bear witness to the power and love of God (see:testify), I realized I'm an idiot if I wait to tell someone until someone in a church building asks people if they have anything to say.
My opportunity to testify isn't on a Sunday evening during the 'small crowd'. It's Monday - Saturday to a huge crowd. It's Friday afternoon to the checker who checks me out at HEB. It's Tuesday afternoon through a mass e-mail to my co-workers and friends. It's Thursday evening in a phone call to a friend. It's Monday night in a chat session on Facebook.
The people that need to know God does miracles, and loves us, aren't really the people at church. The people that need to know are all around me, hurting, dying without Jesus Christ as their Savior because I'm too afraid to be 'pushy' with the "Jesus thing".
It's not pushy though to speak the truth, and especially the excitement, of what God has done. And I intend to.
Miracles, are amazing things. To see God working in your life and getting you through obstacles and leading you in directions you never imagined - that just astounds me. So the world doesn't have to believe me. The world can imagine that I'm as crazy as someone announcing a pink elephant just bought me a new car. But that's isn't as important as giving credit where credit is most spectacularly due.
Sometimes your miracle wasn't just for you.
So share it.
But it's a story that isn't meant to be confined to song.
It's a story that's meant to be told.
One of my many complaints with our local churches today is that there is rarely an opportunity to testify. But as I came across something to bear witness to the power and love of God (see:testify), I realized I'm an idiot if I wait to tell someone until someone in a church building asks people if they have anything to say.
My opportunity to testify isn't on a Sunday evening during the 'small crowd'. It's Monday - Saturday to a huge crowd. It's Friday afternoon to the checker who checks me out at HEB. It's Tuesday afternoon through a mass e-mail to my co-workers and friends. It's Thursday evening in a phone call to a friend. It's Monday night in a chat session on Facebook.
The people that need to know God does miracles, and loves us, aren't really the people at church. The people that need to know are all around me, hurting, dying without Jesus Christ as their Savior because I'm too afraid to be 'pushy' with the "Jesus thing".
It's not pushy though to speak the truth, and especially the excitement, of what God has done. And I intend to.
Miracles, are amazing things. To see God working in your life and getting you through obstacles and leading you in directions you never imagined - that just astounds me. So the world doesn't have to believe me. The world can imagine that I'm as crazy as someone announcing a pink elephant just bought me a new car. But that's isn't as important as giving credit where credit is most spectacularly due.
Sometimes your miracle wasn't just for you.
So share it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Testify - I saved 418 Dollars or more by switching to Jesus.
So today I went online to just check my bank balance and write a few transactions down and I discover, much to my surprise, a bunch of red ink all over my account. My paycheck had not gone into my account. I checked into it and discovered the last two digits of my account “29” had accidentally been typed “10”. The money was nowhere.
I’d also spent the weekend in Whitesboro messing with my rent house, racking up charges for people to haul away trash, clean carpet, stops for gas, stops for food, and charges to newspapers to put ads showing my property for rent.
All in all, at my last check, thanks to the paycheck not being deposited I had 11 overdraft charges of $38 each.
I had money in savings that would have easily covered it, but, not knowing anything was amiss with my paycheck there was no reason for me to think about moving the funds.
In case you don’t have a calculator handy 11 x 38=$418.
First things first I moved savings over to keep myself from racking up more charges.
Then reality set in. I could have cried. I literally could have just sat down and cried I was so disappointed that something like this would happen when I’d been hoarding my savings so carefully. But as I was driving between my two banks getting money from one to put in the other I remembered that God hadn’t failed me yet. So the money was gone, so Compass "per company policy" might only refund 2 of the 11 charges. So what? God was still in control and God wasn’t going to worry about my savings being gone when He provided for my needs as always. Once I remembered that I let go of the fear and frustration attached to the money and I began praising God. (And by praising God I mean I was singing God the chorus to the oldies song “I love you more today than yesterday” thanks to Eric from work for sending me that song and getting it stuck in my head.
Then I came back to work.
Joe from Compass was on the phone and he wanted me to know that a man with my incorrect account number had come in on Saturday to close his account. Literally, this man showed up and the bank tried to give him my money which had been accidentally deposited into his account. And HE SAID NO. He said it wasn’t his money. He turned down nearly 700 dollars. So the bank had begun investigating the error.
Which also took one less obstacle out of the way as I tried to convince Compass to transfer money from his account to mine. ;)
They’re going through the process to transfer the funds into my account and Joe also says that because of the nature of the error every overdraft fee will be refunded to me.
There is more to the story, but I will tell it in a later post because it veers off from the point of this story. But I just want to add - I'm so thankful I reached the "trusting God" point before I got back to work and the situation changed. It was a strange sense of joy that rushed in as I praised God in the middle of a situation that just STUNK. And God moved on my behalf. I gained favor with every person I talked to. I was blessed. But I found the joy before the miracle. And there seems to be something valuable and necessary in that. Because the joy is in God, not in good situations, not in a lack of problems, not even in money. It's just in God. In the middle of a temporary shortage of over $1100 dollars, I found joy.
It was worth so much more than $1100.
I’d also spent the weekend in Whitesboro messing with my rent house, racking up charges for people to haul away trash, clean carpet, stops for gas, stops for food, and charges to newspapers to put ads showing my property for rent.
All in all, at my last check, thanks to the paycheck not being deposited I had 11 overdraft charges of $38 each.
I had money in savings that would have easily covered it, but, not knowing anything was amiss with my paycheck there was no reason for me to think about moving the funds.
In case you don’t have a calculator handy 11 x 38=$418.
First things first I moved savings over to keep myself from racking up more charges.
Then reality set in. I could have cried. I literally could have just sat down and cried I was so disappointed that something like this would happen when I’d been hoarding my savings so carefully. But as I was driving between my two banks getting money from one to put in the other I remembered that God hadn’t failed me yet. So the money was gone, so Compass "per company policy" might only refund 2 of the 11 charges. So what? God was still in control and God wasn’t going to worry about my savings being gone when He provided for my needs as always. Once I remembered that I let go of the fear and frustration attached to the money and I began praising God. (And by praising God I mean I was singing God the chorus to the oldies song “I love you more today than yesterday” thanks to Eric from work for sending me that song and getting it stuck in my head.
Then I came back to work.
Joe from Compass was on the phone and he wanted me to know that a man with my incorrect account number had come in on Saturday to close his account. Literally, this man showed up and the bank tried to give him my money which had been accidentally deposited into his account. And HE SAID NO. He said it wasn’t his money. He turned down nearly 700 dollars. So the bank had begun investigating the error.
Which also took one less obstacle out of the way as I tried to convince Compass to transfer money from his account to mine. ;)
They’re going through the process to transfer the funds into my account and Joe also says that because of the nature of the error every overdraft fee will be refunded to me.
There is more to the story, but I will tell it in a later post because it veers off from the point of this story. But I just want to add - I'm so thankful I reached the "trusting God" point before I got back to work and the situation changed. It was a strange sense of joy that rushed in as I praised God in the middle of a situation that just STUNK. And God moved on my behalf. I gained favor with every person I talked to. I was blessed. But I found the joy before the miracle. And there seems to be something valuable and necessary in that. Because the joy is in God, not in good situations, not in a lack of problems, not even in money. It's just in God. In the middle of a temporary shortage of over $1100 dollars, I found joy.
It was worth so much more than $1100.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
I needed to be broke.
My savings account was depleted when I first moved to San Antonio. And I spent 5 long months looking for a job. The money was gone, nothing was coming in. Yet somehow I paid my bills, paid my rent, and helped out others that couldn't pay their bills, and never once encountered over-draft charges from my bank. I still smile about that one.
This month and last month have/had challenges all their own but I'm not the least bit afraid to meet them. When I first saw the situation I immediately thought "oh no... what will I do?" but the second thought was, "What am I talking about? I'll do the same thing I did last time except better this time - I'll trust God."
For that reason, I have to say I needed to be broke financially. God needed to bring me to San Antonio, break my bank, and force me to trust Him. And He did. I found myself in a situation so completely beyond myself that I couldn't imagine how to survive - and God just worked. God. Just. Worked.
If He hadn't of let me be broke, I would never have realized that I'm never broke as long as I've got God. I've got enough. I needed to be broke.
~~~~
I needed to be broke.
Last year, when I moved I was in pieces. My blog certainly shows it. I was angry with God, at odds with my church, and hurting more than I remember being hurt before. I tried every trick in the world to put myself back together again - including a 40 days of faith series. Ironic since despite my words I was the most faithless person I knew. Some parts of me were not quite as bad as it was before but I was still broken, and hurting, struggling every day to just get through.
It's hard to say this because I remember it quite vividly, but I needed to be broke.
People I walked proudly in front of have now seen me at my worst. I'm probably still proud in ways I shouldn't be, but coming through this I've found myself in the grip of the God who can put me back together. He is the God of the broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think the idea behind being broken is simply that whether it's financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental. Just the word broken - I went to Merriam Webster and looked it up just to see how he defined it and I'd like you to read the definitions associated with "broken"
1 : violently separated into parts : shattered
2 : damaged or altered by breaking : having undergone or been subjected to fracture : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c : violated by transgression d: discontinuous, interrupted : disrupted by change
3 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : crushed, sorrowful c : bankrupted
4 a : cut off : disconnected
5 : not complete or full
I wouldn't recommend brokenness as a constant state. But I think everyone needs that time in their lives. Probably more than once. But I can think of no better way to understand how great, and how powerful God is than to experience Him at your weakest.
I wouldn't have the relationship with Him that I have right now if I hadn't been broke, both financially and emotionally and Spiritually. I wouldn't. I would still know the words, but now I've experienced the words.
I just needed to be broke.
This month and last month have/had challenges all their own but I'm not the least bit afraid to meet them. When I first saw the situation I immediately thought "oh no... what will I do?" but the second thought was, "What am I talking about? I'll do the same thing I did last time except better this time - I'll trust God."
For that reason, I have to say I needed to be broke financially. God needed to bring me to San Antonio, break my bank, and force me to trust Him. And He did. I found myself in a situation so completely beyond myself that I couldn't imagine how to survive - and God just worked. God. Just. Worked.
If He hadn't of let me be broke, I would never have realized that I'm never broke as long as I've got God. I've got enough. I needed to be broke.
~~~~
I needed to be broke.
Last year, when I moved I was in pieces. My blog certainly shows it. I was angry with God, at odds with my church, and hurting more than I remember being hurt before. I tried every trick in the world to put myself back together again - including a 40 days of faith series. Ironic since despite my words I was the most faithless person I knew. Some parts of me were not quite as bad as it was before but I was still broken, and hurting, struggling every day to just get through.
It's hard to say this because I remember it quite vividly, but I needed to be broke.
People I walked proudly in front of have now seen me at my worst. I'm probably still proud in ways I shouldn't be, but coming through this I've found myself in the grip of the God who can put me back together. He is the God of the broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think the idea behind being broken is simply that whether it's financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental. Just the word broken - I went to Merriam Webster and looked it up just to see how he defined it and I'd like you to read the definitions associated with "broken"
1 : violently separated into parts : shattered
2 : damaged or altered by breaking : having undergone or been subjected to fracture : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c : violated by transgression d: discontinuous, interrupted : disrupted by change
3 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : crushed, sorrowful c : bankrupted
4 a : cut off : disconnected
5 : not complete or full
I wouldn't recommend brokenness as a constant state. But I think everyone needs that time in their lives. Probably more than once. But I can think of no better way to understand how great, and how powerful God is than to experience Him at your weakest.
I wouldn't have the relationship with Him that I have right now if I hadn't been broke, both financially and emotionally and Spiritually. I wouldn't. I would still know the words, but now I've experienced the words.
I just needed to be broke.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
What my God can do.
I've been enjoying a major change of attitude lately. I almost took a part time job, but then I felt, again, the strong urging from God that I need to be here while I'm here.
For those of you that don't know, I'm living with my brothers family right now after the initial move to San Antonio so that we could all save expenses.
Our lease is up at the end of June so we'll all be parting ways and moving again (just to separate houses here in SA). And as the time gets closer and closer I just keep seeing how I'm running out of time to really enjoy my niece and nephew as local cohabitants. :)
When I made the decision to turn down the job, and literally gave as my reasons "I feel God wants me to be here while I'm here" - rather than spending so much time at work and away from home - something happened inside me.
I start practicing all the things I know I'll need as a foster mom. I started cleaning things, washing things, keeping things more clean, spending more time outside with the kids rather than sequestered in my room reading a book.
My attitude towards them has changed too - I've been a part of a trend of sarcasm and mocking in this house that I decided I needed to put at end to on my part. I remember vividly after spending two pleasant evenings with my niece, that the next night at supper I joined into laughter at her expense. Granted, we want her to have a thick skin and be able to laugh at herself - but, while she never said a word specifically, she looked at me several times like she felt betrayed. As though suddenly she wouldn't have expected me to join in the laughing this time.
Not a word spoken, but that look still haunts me.
I want my kids, and my niece and nephew, and my family, and my friends to always know that if I'm in their corner, I'm entirely in their corner. I want them to know that I won't hurt their feelings on purpose, and if I do hurt their feelings that I'll apologize and not make excuses for why it's ok that I did what I did.
This is what God is doing in me.
He's given me peace and excitement concerning the coming move.
He's given me peace and comfort concerning my parents move and the fact that I'm not there to help.
He called me to move 300 miles from home and despite the fact that I previously lived paycheck to paycheck, He helped me survive 5 months without a job.
He gave me wisdom concerning how to deal with a tenant that is renting my old home, and per an agreement with him he actually got caught up on all the delinquent expenses within 15 days.
He helped me befriend a girl that I couldn't have less in common with - (she's never out of high heels, and giggles about the color pink and glitter) - and He's really working something in her heart so she's starting to seek answers.
In the past 8 years He has taken me from a broken, hurting person to one that is entirely confident in so many things concerning His love and grace. I have a home in Him. I have love and life in Him. I am happy. I am content even with the things I don't have.
I have been blessed.
I know you don't often comment, but one thing that frustrates me about churches is that they don't too often have a testimony time anymore. If you just feeling like giving praise to God in writing, I'd love to see it in the comments.
For those of you that don't know, I'm living with my brothers family right now after the initial move to San Antonio so that we could all save expenses.
Our lease is up at the end of June so we'll all be parting ways and moving again (just to separate houses here in SA). And as the time gets closer and closer I just keep seeing how I'm running out of time to really enjoy my niece and nephew as local cohabitants. :)
When I made the decision to turn down the job, and literally gave as my reasons "I feel God wants me to be here while I'm here" - rather than spending so much time at work and away from home - something happened inside me.
I start practicing all the things I know I'll need as a foster mom. I started cleaning things, washing things, keeping things more clean, spending more time outside with the kids rather than sequestered in my room reading a book.
My attitude towards them has changed too - I've been a part of a trend of sarcasm and mocking in this house that I decided I needed to put at end to on my part. I remember vividly after spending two pleasant evenings with my niece, that the next night at supper I joined into laughter at her expense. Granted, we want her to have a thick skin and be able to laugh at herself - but, while she never said a word specifically, she looked at me several times like she felt betrayed. As though suddenly she wouldn't have expected me to join in the laughing this time.
Not a word spoken, but that look still haunts me.
I want my kids, and my niece and nephew, and my family, and my friends to always know that if I'm in their corner, I'm entirely in their corner. I want them to know that I won't hurt their feelings on purpose, and if I do hurt their feelings that I'll apologize and not make excuses for why it's ok that I did what I did.
This is what God is doing in me.
He's given me peace and excitement concerning the coming move.
He's given me peace and comfort concerning my parents move and the fact that I'm not there to help.
He called me to move 300 miles from home and despite the fact that I previously lived paycheck to paycheck, He helped me survive 5 months without a job.
He gave me wisdom concerning how to deal with a tenant that is renting my old home, and per an agreement with him he actually got caught up on all the delinquent expenses within 15 days.
He helped me befriend a girl that I couldn't have less in common with - (she's never out of high heels, and giggles about the color pink and glitter) - and He's really working something in her heart so she's starting to seek answers.
In the past 8 years He has taken me from a broken, hurting person to one that is entirely confident in so many things concerning His love and grace. I have a home in Him. I have love and life in Him. I am happy. I am content even with the things I don't have.
I have been blessed.
I know you don't often comment, but one thing that frustrates me about churches is that they don't too often have a testimony time anymore. If you just feeling like giving praise to God in writing, I'd love to see it in the comments.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
My AD Testimony
This post was inspired by C. Michael Pattons post "8 Things I Hate About Christianity" over at Parchment and Pen.
He described how much he hated the BC and AD testimonies. He defined the differences between the two as BC testimonies (Before Christ) showcasing how awful life was before. Then the AD testimony says how wonderful I've become after Christ.
So I wanted to give my AD testimony. And I'd love to hear yours too if you'd like to blog your AD testimony and leave me a comment with the link, or if you'd rather just leave your testimony in the comments. I think it would be amazing to see realistic testimonies of CHRIST rather than the self-shined examples of how far WE have come.
I may have knelt down as a child and asked Christ into my heart but, truly the life changing moment for me was January 17th, 2002. I started it by yelling at God. Simply because I was angry. It's been 9 years now, and I still yell.
I love and praise and whine and complain. I've doubted Him and His love for me, I questioned things and at one point I literally said "I quit". I spent many miserable months trying to figure out how to quit Someone I loved so dearly and who was pursuing me so extraordinarily.
I became a foster parent because I felt He led me to it, but in so many ways I failed completely at it. I was frustrated and confused and felt angry at feeling so alone with a burden so great ( which is what led to the "I quit" I'd just mentioned).
I also enjoyed the greatest blessings a person could ask for as a foster parent. One particular blessing is still active in my life as I get to watch her and her parents grow and grow. I glow in the idea that I've touched a life, her life, forever. How could God do that with me?
I've fallen into sin, sins that I know I shouldn't do yet the same ones I struggle with all the time. And I'm not talking about sins like "Not having enough faith", but the nasty dirty sins that you hide from everyone - especially when you've been raised as "the good girl".
But I can solidly testify that every single time I've sinned, and fallen from my walk, Christ has been right there ready to forgive and keep us moving on toward the goal, the prize, the high calling He has for my life.
Jan 17th, 2002 I didn't cease to be human and become some perfect, shiny Christian. But I became a perfectly blemished one. My life in these last 9 years - if you truly knew my life and not just the shiny view that sometimes shines out from my blog or the initial surface view you'll see just upon meeting me - is one in which truly God is glorified for His mercy and goodness, love and patience.
The last 9 years He's set me free from so much guilt, and fear that I've held on to. He's brought me to the point that sin definitely doesn't have as much a hold on me as it did before. He's led me down roads that, quite honestly, if there had been a way to just get out I would have. But for all the heartache and pain He's also given me more peace and joy now than I think I have any right to enjoy. Especially knowing that I only made it through the hard times by His efforts to bring me through and pick me up when I fell time and again.
People see certain things about me and tell me I'm a good person; but in all truth not one bit of it would have even been endeavored if it weren't for Christ Jesus working in my life.
Because only He could make something beautiful of this bumbling, questioning, mess.
And He does.
And I wouldn't trade a single heartache for the changes He's made in me.
He described how much he hated the BC and AD testimonies. He defined the differences between the two as BC testimonies (Before Christ) showcasing how awful life was before. Then the AD testimony says how wonderful I've become after Christ.
So I wanted to give my AD testimony. And I'd love to hear yours too if you'd like to blog your AD testimony and leave me a comment with the link, or if you'd rather just leave your testimony in the comments. I think it would be amazing to see realistic testimonies of CHRIST rather than the self-shined examples of how far WE have come.
I may have knelt down as a child and asked Christ into my heart but, truly the life changing moment for me was January 17th, 2002. I started it by yelling at God. Simply because I was angry. It's been 9 years now, and I still yell.
I love and praise and whine and complain. I've doubted Him and His love for me, I questioned things and at one point I literally said "I quit". I spent many miserable months trying to figure out how to quit Someone I loved so dearly and who was pursuing me so extraordinarily.
I became a foster parent because I felt He led me to it, but in so many ways I failed completely at it. I was frustrated and confused and felt angry at feeling so alone with a burden so great ( which is what led to the "I quit" I'd just mentioned).
I also enjoyed the greatest blessings a person could ask for as a foster parent. One particular blessing is still active in my life as I get to watch her and her parents grow and grow. I glow in the idea that I've touched a life, her life, forever. How could God do that with me?
I've fallen into sin, sins that I know I shouldn't do yet the same ones I struggle with all the time. And I'm not talking about sins like "Not having enough faith", but the nasty dirty sins that you hide from everyone - especially when you've been raised as "the good girl".
But I can solidly testify that every single time I've sinned, and fallen from my walk, Christ has been right there ready to forgive and keep us moving on toward the goal, the prize, the high calling He has for my life.
Jan 17th, 2002 I didn't cease to be human and become some perfect, shiny Christian. But I became a perfectly blemished one. My life in these last 9 years - if you truly knew my life and not just the shiny view that sometimes shines out from my blog or the initial surface view you'll see just upon meeting me - is one in which truly God is glorified for His mercy and goodness, love and patience.
The last 9 years He's set me free from so much guilt, and fear that I've held on to. He's brought me to the point that sin definitely doesn't have as much a hold on me as it did before. He's led me down roads that, quite honestly, if there had been a way to just get out I would have. But for all the heartache and pain He's also given me more peace and joy now than I think I have any right to enjoy. Especially knowing that I only made it through the hard times by His efforts to bring me through and pick me up when I fell time and again.
People see certain things about me and tell me I'm a good person; but in all truth not one bit of it would have even been endeavored if it weren't for Christ Jesus working in my life.
Because only He could make something beautiful of this bumbling, questioning, mess.
And He does.
And I wouldn't trade a single heartache for the changes He's made in me.
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