I had an interesting encounter with God last weekend. And it's rippled throughout the week. My first real glimpse of what Alzheimers is going to look like hurt more than I can say. It was unfixable. She hurt, and no medicine, no doctors, no words, no comfort would help it... for the rest of her life.
The very thought overwhelms me - but over the weekend before, it was more than I could hold onto. And believe me when I say, I'm very good at holding onto things. You don't see me cry (except in prayer) you don't see me yell, you don't see me do much *typically* except be quiet, happy or calm. But I just couldn't wrap myself around this sorrow.
I went to God. I seriously went to God. I went to Him more seriously and more intently, than I usually have the capability to do. I went in with unrestrained emotions and I quite simply just hurt all over Him.
And He took it.
This week, in a day of a struggle because my wayward mind kept clinging to a thought that I knew I shouldn't obsess about, I worked hard to discipline my mind. My constant prayer was that my true want would be what God wants, rather than what I want. And He helped me to let it go.
Then today, my pastor asked us all a question "What do you seek?"
I waited, expecting to feel some hypocrisy in my heart as my answer came - "You Lord."
I want Jesus.
You found Him, why are you still seeking Him?
Because I want more of Him.
It was ironic that my pastor mentioned being silent and waiting on God this evening, because that's exactly what I was doing this morning during prayer time - waiting. Sitting quietly and waiting. In the silence the question came to me, "Lord, why did You seek me?"
I pondered quietly what it was that He might have planned that my life would accomplish, what He might be wanting me to do, wondering what He could possibly want from me; when just as clearly as could be, He answered "You."
How great a love is this? That He would seek me, not for what I can do for Him, but for no better reason than loving me?
Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. King David