Monday, May 04, 2009

The futility of denying love.

I'm a bad artist, but at least I can draw a stick figure. I'm a klutzy cook, but at least once in awhile a cake turns out well. I'm a crummy decorator, so uncoordinated that I honestly wear solid colors just because it's easier to match.

But for all those things I'm bad at, I stink exponentially worse at relationships.

But I finally learned something incredible (to me) about relationships and love. And as usual, it started with God and worked it's way outward.

It's something I've discovered with God recently, and I am only recently putting in to my other relationships. The most hurtful thing I constantly tried to say to God last year was "I WON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE." I was angry, frustrated, hurting so badly over all my foster kids. And yet, through it all, He knew I couldn't stop loving Him any more than I could stop breathing on my own. And it's all because the source of my greatest hurt, is also the source of my greatest healing. I find comfort in Him, even when it frustrates the daylights out of me. Even when I'm determined NOT to be comforted by Him.
Now, there's something truly comforting in knowing which people I really love. Because even when I'm frustrated beyond belief, again... I know that nothing could stop me from loving them. It's a bond, a hold that gives me confidence even when I'm angry. Because I understand where my heart is. At the same time, it's also something that I just now realized that I could abuse. As though I could say hurtful things to you, because I know ultimately it will all work out because I love you.

But I see now, during the last year, the most foolish, stupidest thing I ever said was that I would stop loving God. Because if loving was something you could stop, it wouldn't be love. I know it's foolish, and probably something a 28 yr old should have already known. But as I said, I really stink at relationships...

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