I believe.

This is a difficult post to write.

Part of the gratification I get from writing is delayed. It comes two years from now when I look back at 2009 and see what I was going through, what I did, what I struggled with and how I believed. I get to see ways that God came through for me that I might have forgotten. I get to remember lessons I've learned that I might have forgotten. Through the comments I get to remember friends (I miss Larry's comments). This blog is a great reminder of so very many things.

What makes this post more difficult to write is that I know two years from now, despite faith, despite hope, I won't want to remember this day. If it were in my power, I would wish this very day from existance. I dread stumbling across this post a year from now and being reminded of today.

Today my mother couldn't keep track of who my brother was. She thought he was her brother Steven. A few times she got on track and asked about Angel and David (her grandchildren) but then fell right back off track and started talking to Steven again.

I called my dad to find out the whole of the story, because I knew if she was doing that then she had done so much more - and sure enough, she'd lost the fact that she was married (to the extent that she got up in the middle of the night and got dressed then laid back down on the farthest edge of the bed) and then confused my dad with her father (who was dead before I was ever born). She also thought her parents were still alive and kept asking my dad if he was "sure he wanted to do this" and apparently thought they were moving in together.

He explained, much to her confusion, that they had been married 40 years.

I listened to my dad say how scary it was. My dad. He actually said he was scared. He used the words "losing her." I listened to the shook up voice of my brother - (a far calmer one than what I had in my first "event") as he told me she hadn't understood who he was. And then I listened to my mom. She talked about so many things, including how she was growing old gracefully, and I played my role as the one who always makes her laugh.

It's my job. I like my job.

Then I went to prayer meeting.

I got there and the building was - thankfully - empty. I sat down at the piano and over and over again all I could play was the chorus "I believe You're my healer. I believe You are all I need. I believe You're my portion. I believe You're more than enough for me. Jesus You're all I need."

Only I played it for her, "I believe You're her healer. I believe You are all she needs. I believe You're her portion. I believe You're more than enough for her. Jesus You're all she needs."

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold her world in Your hands

I doubt God waits around for my reassurance, but tonight in the middle of the hurt I just wanted to sit down and tell God "I trust in You. I trust in You."

So often, even if I don't mean them, I put conditions on God.
I believe You're my healer - if you heal this.
I believe You're more than enough for me - if you fill this empty area Lord.
I believe You're my provider - if you provide this.
I believe You're my protector - if you get me out of this.

I unthinkingly put conditions on so many things that should be unconditional. That's why, tonight, when I desperately wished He could perform a healing, I told Him that He was her healer; that He was my healer, regardless. And it's true. Even though she's still sick.

I've said it before on this blog - God is good even when all the circumstances you're facing are bad.
He's your provider even when you struggle every day to make ends meet.
He's your healer, even when you're sick.

Circumstances should never dictate to me who my God is. Yet too often I have allowed them to do just that.
I guess that's why under the test of fresh hurt I immediately wanted to make sure He knew I wasn't going to desert Him this time. I believe. I really do believe. And I wanted Him to hear it.



You're my Healer

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

My Healer, You're my Healer

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands