There is a lot going on. But at the same time, it doesn't even feel like a lot. God's done an incredible work in me this week. The chaos isn't overwhelming me, it's not even coming close anymore.
(Keep your fingers crossed that this post doesn't make the devil step things up a notch though.) :)
I handed some very special people a very heavy disappointment this week. I'm disappointed for them. I know exactly what it's like when things don't work out like you imagine they will. But at the same time there is no upset, there isn't a doubt, there isn't a fear, there isn't a question.
And personally,.... and I'm sure you'll agree with me if you've read even one months worth of posts here.... for me to be that calm and peaceful is nothing short of a miracle.
I had told someone yesterday, that I'd rather be obedient and know that God is there in whatever mess I find myself in - than to be disobedient and know that God wasn't in it.
And that's exactly where I'm at. I don't know how things will work out, I just know they will. I don't have any special reassurance that the future won't be very difficult and disappointing. In fact, I'm almost expecting it to be harder than what I'm prepared for.
But at the same time I'm sitting in the last days before everything breaks open and I'm absolutely confident that God is in it. And that's good enough to see me through.
As long as He's there. I'll go anywhere.
Remind me of this post next time I'm pulling my hair out.
If there is anything that could frighten me right now, it's the knowledge that I've felt sure before, I've held blissfully on to God and then slipped right out of that surety.
This time feels the same, but different. Deeper, and certainly more weathered. But it's not so deep I can't fall again. I hope I never lose that - I don't know that timidity is the right word - but that little thing that holds me in check as I remember how easy it is to fall. And never forget that my ability to sit in this relaxed sureness is only by the grace of God.
May I seek that grace every single day, to hold onto me. Again.