I'm not worried. I'm not upset. I've had moments when I suddenly realize I'm anxious and immediately remind myself that I really do believe that God is in control and while I'm anxious to know how it will all turn out now rather than later - my reminders so far about how much I really trust His control in this situation are still working perfectly.
I can't tell you how refreshing this is. These last couple of weeks - peace is almost a tangible thing. My face, look at it, it's smiling and I don't know how good a faker I am anymore but whatever smiles you've been seeing weren't the real ones in the last couple of years. This one, this easy one that is beaming out of my eyes - that one is real.
And Jeanette looked at it and said, "It is good."
I don't know how it's all going to end up. But I do know that God is in it, and I trust Him to handle it. Trust is a beautiful thing.
I wrote about trusting before, even wrote specifically about "Trust and Obey" and how you can't just tell yourself to trust. Trusting is a condition of the heart. You can perform the actions of trust, by falling backwards and waiting for someone to catch you, but that just means you're able to obey despite the lack of trust.
I think I can obey despite the trust. I think the whole two years of foster parenting has proven that. But today, in these situations I'm in now - I'm happy to say I'm resting in my trust. Rest, relax, refresh, I'm happy and calm. Because I really do trust Him in this situation.
But we never can prove
The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows,
And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.
I feel like I'm gloating. Because if there were anything I would like to write down right now it would be a recipe for how to trust like this. Because I could have used such a recipe to get me through the last several years in a far more dignified manner.
But I don't know. I don't know why I can trust today and a year ago I was losing my mind. I don't know why I'm sitting here with such a sweet peace right now. I don't know how to tell you to get it.
But I love that I've got it now.
And I don't want to let it go.
And you can't make me. :)