Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Maybe one day.

I'm overwhelmed.
It's easy enough to say.

This dandy little blog is my chief source of verbalizing the stress - but lately I've held myself back from those stress-filled rants because sometimes I wonder if it doesn't exacerbate the situation to list out everything going on.

If I burst one day, you'll know why. :)

But, last night was one of the more action packed 24hour periods and the bursting was getting closer and closer when it was broken into by an ironic event.
I'm pretty sure I've seen this lesson before. The mental connection that I made seemed so familiar - but it was a very appropriate moment for a reminder.
I went, as I regularly do, to visit Little One. We did a little shopping that I needed to get done before I took her to find food. Only as we got back into the car at the store, she had difficulty buckling her seat belt.

She's done it before, a lot, she always does it herself now, so I do know she can do it. But, immediately when the trouble started her voice went up two octaves. The whiny tone hit her words and simply coated them. "I caannnnnnnnn'tttttttt dooooooooooooo itttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!" Over and over.
"It's stuck!" "It won't go in!" "I can't do it!" "I can't do it!"
Many tears followed. And all of this took less than 60 seconds before in the middle of her cries we both heard the familiar "click" as the impossible happened and her seat belt snapped into place.

Instantly, the whines and cries silenced.

And I burst out laughing.

I saw too clearly myself doing the same thing, once again, to God.

There's too much God, I can't do it. It's too hard God, it won't work. It won't be done right God, there's no way. I'm not able God. I need help God, someone else should be doing this. It won't work God.

I can work myself into quite a state until I'm surprised by a resounding "click" as things fall into place.

I'm tired and scared and so much is on my plate to handle, and so much is entirely out of my control.
And now, the date has been set that I'll be re-baptized next Sunday.
It seems unrelated but adding this little event into the mix is the absolute icing on this crazy awful/wonderful cake.
The timing of all these things smashing together is ironic to say the least.



If I were really dead it would mean I couldn't make mistakes.
Lives wouldn't be affected by my actions or missteps.

Living dead is another matter altogether.

Living dead takes all these questions, all these worries and waits on God.

Living dead says "yes" even when everything in you wants to say no.

Living dead says "I'll go" when you really want to stay.

Living dead says "I'll stay." when you really want to go.

Living dead says "No." when the cost is so high that you can hardly breathe.

Maybe one day "everything' in me won't want to say no, or so much of me want to stay. Maybe one day so much of me won't want to go, and I'll learn how to breathe more easily even when the cost is so great.
Maybe one day, the part of me I'm so strongly trying to be rid of will not feel so very much alive anymore.

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