Friday, May 29, 2009

5 years from now?

Ok, I promise no yelling, no big bold capital letters today.

I need to apologize for one thing that has especially bothered me about my rant. I said I didn't want to be like the Christians I know. And that's just not true. There are several that I look up to and if I could be half the person they are it would be a good thing.

Today, instead of yelling I went through a few different emotions. Sometime this afternoon it hit me hard that I didn't have a job, I have no one to rent my house, and yet I'm moving across the state. It took a bit more effort to remind myself (enough that it would stick) that I can trust Gods plan in all of this.

I'm not worried right now. My reminders are working - and I really do believe that my house will rent - I think it's more a matter of wishing it were already checked off the list of things undone.

But then tonight, I was packing... again. And I couldn't help but wonder where my life was going. It just suddenly seemed to have no rhyme or reason. I've been a flight attendant, a foster parent 5 times over, a home owner, and now I'm walking away from my home that I had assumed I'd be in for the next 30 years. Yet here I am wandering off to someplace else, and now I will become a landlord.

Everything in me wants to be parked. I want to sit somewhere, work my job for so many years that it's 2nd nature to do it, to know people for years and years and develop close deep relationships that will last me my life. I want to plant a fruit tree in my yard and watch it grow.
And yet, I'm leaving.

I promise, the emotions are settled down tonight, this isn't a sad post or a fearful post - just a post of verbalizing my curiosity. Life isn't turning out like I imagined. And I just can't help but wonder what 5 years from now looks like.

But, while I have settled down from last nights rant, I don't want to lose that message to myself. Seek God. Every day.
Because 5 years from now I want to have studied to show myself approved. I don't want to be ashamed.

What a life...

1 comment:

nAncY said...

the thing is
even if we have secure looking plans, we still do not know where we are going.
so
your are "good to go" with God.

God Loves you.