The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.
It's a quiet evening, quieter than most. I'm getting ready to drive to Mexico tomorrow to pick up my moms medicine. My thoughts circle that only briefly though as I sit in the quietness listening to the song "Mighty to Save" by Hillsong.
My God is mighty to save.
Take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Savior, he can move a mountain
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever, Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave.
It's a strange sense of broken-ness and disappointment that I feel tonight. I feel absolutely wholly confident in my salvation, knowing full well that for reasons I can't quite comprehend - I am loved and accepted in Jesus Christ.
The broken-ness and disappointment comes from craving holiness so very much and as I dig weeds out of my life I stumble across something so vile and offensive to myself that I can only imagine how God must feel about it.
You see, I've taken verses like the one above about a "good man" and applied them to myself to the point that my heart became proud and I actually thought I was good.
Even now, I instinctively wanted to clarify "not that I'm BAD..." but the truth is -I'm not good.
The Bible even tells me so - "And he (Jesus) said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments. " Matthew 19:17
And I think today, as I struggled against the thought that I wasn't good enough to suit myself, I received the best understanding I've gotten so far concerning my salvation. God loves me. He loves me to such an extent that He's still working on me. He's still creating in me the masterpiece that He alone knows the outcome of. My sins, my filth and failures don't make Him abandon me to my foolishness - He just loves me and keeps working.
I love Him more today than I ever imagined it was possible. I covet Him more with every passing day. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to be a jerk every once in awhile. Because somewhere deep in my heart, surrounded by the radiance that is Christs goodness - is a little portion of Jeanette the Jerk that just hasn't been killed off yet.
I'm waiting on the Lord, I'm trusting in His abilities to kill off the parts of me that are a dishonor to His righteousness. And I'm trying my dead level best to surrender to His work in those areas.
Because He can. He will. Because He loves me.
I wish I could describe it to you better, but His love has made surrender easy. He is all I need.