Monday, June 23, 2008

Messed up

It's June 23rd. 23 days since I walked away from my blog and said I quit.

I'm tired. Just plain tired. Exhausted. And I'm sad. Just so freaking sad.

I think my hearts messed up.

And I just keep figuring that I'm going to be one of those people that fills their life with good works, and church going, bible reading, and prayer, and yet still stand before the throne of God and have Him say - "Sorry, you might have done all this in my name, but I don't know you."

It doesn't make me feel better to know I'm doing good things. Because I'm not doing the good things well enough. I leave holes where I didn't do the good thing right, or with the right spirit.

I've got two foster kids now, 22mos and 6mos, and I was sitting in front of the oldests ones door. I sit here, every night until she falls asleep. Last night, about 10 minutes into this, she started crying and I just sat here at the door. Something inside me said I should just continue to let her know I was close by, but not go to her.

And I did. I sat here singing some quiet little song and finally she went back to sleep.

Despite what I'm doing, and if I feel it might be best in the long run, I imagine God sitting up there tsk'ing over me like some grandmother watching her baby be left crying.

That's the scary thing about foster parenting. Now I think that not only is God mad at me for how I'm doing MY life, but now He's probably ticked off at how I'm treating His precious babies too. I can't win.

I've sat here, in this dark hallway for several nights now just telling God that I wished He could love me too. Despite me being so wrong. And lately, I've heard a lot of strange messages where God says He loves "you". After visiting a church last night, I even turned around and staring straight at me on a wall was a big sign that said "Jesus loves you." But "you", is a very unspecific word that I can easily discount and say it doesn't apply to me.

But for all that, I keep thinking that the idea that this love applies to me is just wishful thinking now. My little world of oblivion is just a place God won't reach anymore. That reach, that love, it's for those people that aren't wrong, aren't all messed up, or at least it's for those people that are wrong in all the good "God loves you anyway" ways.

I think my hearts messed up.

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