Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I didn't know what a shield looked like till now.

Some days I can feel the wave. It's like a tidal wave looming over me. In reality it should crash, burying me under the water, smothering me, overwhelming me, slamming me down into submission.

But that's all it ever does.

It looms.

Precious has been sick, I'm missing time at work.
Work is.... wow... busy, complicated, difficult.
New Kid is due to arrive within a few weeks.

The wave; it's right there over my head. It's a wave of doubt. Doubts that say I'll lose my job because I'm missing time at work. Doubts that say I can't handle this crazy workload at work. Doubts that say how on earth am I going to raise 2 little girls and be the kind of mother they need? Doubts that look at my finances and wonder mathmatically how two little girls are possible.

That said . . .

The wave never crashes.

I sit, calm, content, sober and excited all at the same time.

I know that if God has called me into these things - He's going to handle them. All of my doubts are about me. But there isn't a one about my God. I can't do what He's called me to. But I believe that He can somehow do them through me. Because He's God. And I believe in Him. I can not, but God can.

And sitting here tonight, that's when I realized ... really realized... what a "shield of faith" looks like. I'm no spiritual giant by any means. All these terms you hear about in the Bible or Christian world, I know them. I can quote them and even describe them. But much like God - it's different to actually KNOW them. And most of them I don't actually "know".

So as I realized that my doubts were the fiery darts of the enemy, and that my simple faith that God is able is what was preventing me from feeling overwhelmed, desperate, scared...It was like a light bulb went off. This is my shield. Where I might have been tormented before (and boy have I felt tormented before!!!), this time.. nothing. I see it there, almost as a tangible thing. But it hasn't touched me. Every single day, I plow on. I go to work (if the baby's sickness isn't keeping me home that day), I've done things at work that I thought were way beyond my skills. And New Kid, I'm as ready as a new parent could be for her arrival. I just keep moving. God is able. I'm not. I know it.

I'm in completely over my head. And I've never been able to breathe easier.

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