I think my blog is almost like a pulse for my spiritual life. Am I not posting often? Something probably isn't right between me and God. There's a struggle happening.
At the very same time, I can easily say that I've found a deep and true lesson on Gods grace. He holds onto me. Through every question, every doubt, ever turn, every failure, every stupid moment -and there's certainly aplenty- He's still holding onto me.
So I suppose, no matter what else I say, I want to make sure it's prefaced with that knowledge. I'm a dope, but God is strong enough to hold onto me.
It seems that the more focus I put on my growth, growing, changing, drawing nearer nearer nearer blessed Lord, the more I find myself flat on my face. The harder it is just to be a normal Christian, much less a growing one. And it's incredibly hard to fall so many times and get back up.
This evening was one of those moments where you just let out a big sigh, as my Pastor prayed over the church that (amongst other things) that God would draw people to us that we could minister to, and he took a special moment to thank God for the people that could rise to the challenge (I'm paraphrasing here because I don't remember his exact words). But he was thanking God that we'd be able to handle the challenge.
And deep inside something in me just sighed as I knew I'm not in the group he's talking about. I went to God and I cried that I can barely get off the floor without crashing hard on my face again.
I'd like to say it was some great issue as the devil had a foot on my back, keeping me down. But it seems to be that the truth is that I'm just too clumsy to walk. I stand up, and some preconceived notion about God tangles me into a knot and I fall. I stand up, and some foolish thoughts about works vs faith whops me upside the head and I crash.
I stand up, and old struggles I thought had been conquered, leave me disappointed and ashamed. How can one such as I stand back up in the presence of the Lord of Hosts and declare the way of the Lord?
Yet, at least for now, I'm still doing it. I'm standing up guilty as sin and no other option but to say "It's me again Lord, not only did I not grow, but I fell.... again.... Don't give up on me, and help me not to give up either."
27 years of being raised in church, 6 years of a closer, beautiful walk with Christ my Savior, and I stand before anyone who might read this blog and I can only say that I'm still weak. I'm still broken. I'm still foolish. I'm still an often dirty, chipped up vessel that I can't imagine could ever bring honor to one so great as my Father.
And here's the only reason to stand back up, each and every time.
"But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend. Thou whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called thee from the chief men thereof, and said unto thee, Thou art my servant; I have chosen thee, and not cast thee away. Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.