Sunday, November 30, 2008

You can't call back thoughts

I said something I shouldn't have said.

I actually didn't even say it - I just thought it, the entire conversation took place in the confines of my head or maybe my heart... I can never tell anymore.

The thought had no more completed itself when I felt sincere regret. It's rare for me to say something to someone just to hurt. But that is all this thought could have accomplished.

And at the same time, I realized how childish I was being not just in that moment... but for the last year. I don't understand, I'm not getting my way, and so I'm acting the same as any child who did not get a much coveted toy.

But it's one of the few times that I truly and deeply regretted something I'd said -

to God.

So far, that event has quieted me. Though, I know others believe I've crossed the line with God before in my anger, this is the first time that I knew without a doubt that I had.
And it's not that I felt His anger over it, or felt afraid for my salvation, I just felt regret.
And I really don't like regret.

And for me, it took the violent wind out of my sails and left me with only quietness. I've been up and down a lot lately, so blissfully happy I can barely stand it, and then something else will happen and I'll find myself literally sick with fear and frustration.

But in the last few days as I quietly thought about the God I'd slung my hurtful thoughts at, I found myself watching these three videos - Awesome God , Psalms 139, Agnus Dei.
And in my sad quieted spirit, I considered how God is whatever He says He is, even when I doubt, even when I fear, even when I'm so frustrated I want to give up.

We read this morning from Psalms 46, and I had to consider the God of whom it speaks that "The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted." That's not the small God that I'm slinging my foolish words to.
And to the great God, that I don't deserve to have hear me, I found myself speaking the first words in those chapter - with my own meanings.

God please be my refuge and strength, be my strength I need you to be a very present help in trouble. God, I'm so afraid, Help me not to fear, though violence come near and though my peace be as far away as the sea;

And God... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

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