I can't say that tomorrow I won't wake up struggling against the pricks again, but this week the quietness has continued.
I've spent the week settling back into my old routines. I'm reading my bible again. I read before, but it was always in preparation for either the services at my house, or the meetings held in someone elses home. It was not for personal gain or to see Jesus better. It was because I had to.
And in this quietness, I'm thinking about my great big God, and wondering if in my quest for spiritual gifts and maturity, and the ability to change the world, if I shrunk Him down into something that I should be able to control and make demands of.
I want my great big God back.
This last year hurt, and I wondered if maybe I just missed the boat and it was too soon for me to be a foster parent. Maybe I just wasn't mature enough to handle the stress and emotions of it. I still want my Bell back so much it hurts.
Or maybe this is all just part of the shaking up that comes with growing up.
Or maybe the whole struggling year has just been me being stupid and stubborn.
In the aftermath of my bitter barb that I slung at God, I was instantly sorry. I regretted it. The bible tells me that my heart controls my words, and even though this word never was verbally spoken, the bible also tells me that He knows my thoughts. And in the quietness where my thoughts gathered I realized, I really love God.
I've never understood love very well. Never been sure of it, never trusted in it. People say they love you all the time, and it means virtually nothing. And I confess, I've wondered if I was capable of it. You have emotions, and sometimes you think it's love but it's not - maybe it's just affection, or just that you enjoy someones company, it could be many things - are you sure it's love? I wasn't. Never have been.
I've said I love God so many times, but what I felt after that hurtful barb... thinking about it later I just knew, I felt that way because I really did love Him. I wished He couldn't have heard that thought. I wish I'd never have thought it. And I didn't wish those things because I didn't want to hurt Gods feelings (is that even possible?) but because I loved Him.
It's hard to explain why I would have thought such a hurtful thing if I loved Him. I don't know the answer to that. I just know it's true. God has been good to me. He's comforted me, protected me, taught me, filled me with the Holy Ghost, spoke to me, healed me, and loved me. And while trust has never come easy for me, and so often my trust in Him has faltered (or even crashed and burned), I still want to trust Him with my life.
He loves me too. I'm sitting here, saved by precious grace and I know I've given Him many a reason to revoke that salvation. But He didn't. I deserve a lot worse that this patience He's shown me. But instead He's hung on for the ride and somehow held on to me. I'm saved. Not of works that I could still be proud of it, but by grace.
There is a lot to think about - but for the most part I just want to keep being quiet. I'm tired of all the doubts, the struggle and confusion. I'm ok with trying to just keep my heart and mind quiet, and asking God to show Himself to me. Not in the form of powerful works and wonders, but just in the form of who He is.
I want to get reacquainted with my big and powerful God.