I feel introspective about everything I've seen and experienced this weekend, so I hope you don't mind this post. If anything, it's just my way of musing out loud to find a resolution in my mind. All that to say - it's going to probably feel a little scattered. :)
This week I learned that my dad has been inviting his soon to be next door neighbor out into the street to fight. He's been in a contest of wills with the neighbor over the volume of his offensive music. My dad winces when he stands up. The neighbor his a strong young man. I've witnessed my dad in a fist fight once - ironically enough it was on the way home from church - he lost. Mom can't afford for him to be wrong.
Speaking of mom, I'd go into debt with medical bills in a heartbeat if dad would allow me to get her treatment. They don't have insurance, and about 2 months ago she broke her ankle (my amature diagnosis) I took photos of her leg going straight down, and her foot about an inch off to the side. It's crazy to look at. I keep intending to show the pictures to some nurses I know, (at least they might have a less amature opinion or could give advice) but it hasn't worked out yet. God knows. This is a situation I absolutely wish He'd change.
But it makes me wonder if that's not why He's got me in San Antonio. If I were there, perhaps I'd be pushing for things that for some reason God wants left alone. I know if I hadn't moved to San Antonio my life would certainly have taken a different path this last year as I would be dedicating most of my time to her life. But I'm not there. It's just the two of them trying to somehow manage together. And I'm in San Antonio praying to God with all my heart that He could please just let her die. End her fear and confusion and suffering and let her go. If He's trying to teach dad something, teach him some other way - Mom's done enough. Please God let her go. Please.
I couldn't even write that without the tears again.... daughters should never pray that for their mothers.
I see myself going back one day. Back to my small town, back to my small church - they are both "home" to me. It's a long story, but I had a police officer ask me this weekend if I felt safe where I was (I was in my small town at the time) and I realized that I felt safer there than anywhere else. Perhaps God won't permit my return until my mother is gone. Perhaps He won't permit my return until I've learned all that He's got for me to learn from living in San Antonio.
But while I miss certain things - especially my church - not for anything do I want to step away from where God wants me to be. He's got a plan for my life, and for the lives of the people He will put me in contact with; I just need to walk in it, never turning from the left or to the right.
I want to do what God wants me to do.
And I'm thankful and humbled that Someone as powerful and wonderful as Him - would actually give someone like me something to do.