There's a song out whose verses speak of all the mighty things that God has done, then the last two lines declare that "A greater wonder brings me to my knees". The chorus then goes on to say that I praise God because of who He is and not because of all the mighty things He's done...
So often I find myself looking at my relationship with God wondering if it's actually true. If He was just a really great person that loved me but had no power... would I love Him this much? I have a hard time praying for others simply because He's done so much, and He's still doing so much, it's hard for me to ask for that little bit extra. Whether my words of love and thankfulness come before or after my request I can't get over the feeling that He'll scorn my words as a sick trick to manipulate Him into doing what I ask.
I don't believe I'm trying to manipulate Him, but I've seen the selfishness and wickedness of my own heart so I wouldn't put it past me. And even if the words are true, the timing of my words of love attached to your petition seem suspicious to me. Even if I try and separate the two, it feels as though I'm just trying to pad my account with God so I can get what I want later.
If you learn one thing about me from my blog, learn this, I over analyze everything.
I had nearly an hour of waiting around my church for someone yesterday and so as I paced the church trying to figure out the answers, and a way through this over-thought problem I realized that I'd lost something.
I'd lost the very thing that made my relationship with God special; the ability to tell God anything and everything at anytime.
Five years ago this January I moved into my home and I made the conscious decision to talk to God. Period. I was mad at Him at the time and had nothing good to say to Him, but I was determined to talk. And that very talking changed my life.
I don't know when I quit talking. Oh, I still talk to Him, but it was nothing like what I was doing before. I can pray, I know the right words for prayer. And that's what I've been doing for awhile... praying. I equate the word prayer with a hands-off religious type ritual. Talking though... Talking was like, talking to my best friend. I could explain the depths of my desires, ask about the things I don't understand, and somewhere in there my petitions for those I love and my declarations of love for my Friend and Savior always found their way in.
By the time the person I was waiting for arrived, I'd found the closeness of a relationship that I'd allowed to become far too distant. I'm so glad. I'm so relieved. It's easy to slip away and you forget how important some things in your relationships are until you've grasped them again wondering how you could have possible gone without this.
I don't want to forget this reminder. And I'm thinking I'll post a sticky note somewhere in my office so I won't forget again. Remembering my key to a good relationship with God is much like remembering where I put the key to my house. I can't get in without it, and it's where I'll go to rest.