Sunday, March 02, 2008

The 2nd longest day.

I'm still doing laundry. There is absolutely nothing dirty in this house anymore. Literally, I washed 4 full sets of bedding, and every single potentially dirty article of clothing. The main thing I learned is that laundry is not a good distraction, since as much as you might groan about doing it, put it off, and whine about it, it takes very little time to shove clothes into a tub of water, add soap, spin a dial and shut the lid.

Brushing your teeth is a good distraction though, if you really look at your teeth while you're brushing. My teeth are entirely plaque free at the moment, and half a tube of toothpaste later (ok, surely that's an exaggeration) either way, I still smell extremely minty fresh.

Random things around the house have been fixed, and since I was running out of laundry soap for my cleaning spree I went grocery shopping. I had parked before I realized I was about to walk into a place at 11am on a Sunday morning... a grocery store where typically you always see someone you know if not two or three of them. It was my quickest shopping trip in history.

By 4pm, I couldn't start any other projects because everything in me was screaming. Desperate, and I do mean desperate, I walked to my church. I left just before I thought people might be showing up for the evening service, but it was enough... I don't know exactly what God did, but it was enough. No more, but no less either.

As I walked back towards home I found myself thinking that God didn't give me strength to make it through Monday. But for today. Only today. Tomorrow, you just wake up and start it all over again.

Last week, God just kept saying over and over again "Wait." Every time I told Him I was done, couldn't take a lick more, wasn't going to try any more, He said "Wait."
I hate one word conversations.
Can I just say,
I HATE one word conversations.

This weekend I've constantly asked God why I was here, why I was left to hurt like this, and now He's telling me over and over "It was necessary."
I don't much care for 3 word conversations either.

Despite the fact that all I've done this weekend is try to not think, I've done a lot of thinking this weekend. And one thing I've noticed is that I'm calling Him Lord, rather than Father as I used to. In the last few years I've made a big deal that I needed Him to be a Father to me, and He was. Now, I've wondered about how the new title reflects a new relationship.

Or maybe it's not a new relationship at all. Maybe it's the same one with a new dimension to it.

I'm just so tired.

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