I'm not there yet.

One of the many blogs I read each day is Tolle Lege. They always put a "Lords Day Hymn" out on Sundays posts and this one just happened to catch my eye. So I wanted to post it and see the words, and then remember exactly what I said afterwards.

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“More Love to Thee, O Christ”
By Elizabeth P. Prentiss, 1856

More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!
Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest;
Now Thee alone I seek, give what is best.
This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Let sorrow do its work, come grief or pain;
Sweet are Thy messengers, sweet their refrain,
When they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Then shall my latest breath whisper Thy praise;
This be the parting cry my heart shall raise;
This still its prayer shall be: More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

And what do I say immediately after such a touching song? "Yeah.. not there yet."
I used to seek peace and rest? But now I seek only Thee?
No... not there yet.
Sweet are the messengers grief or pain?
No... not there yet.

It's songs like this that have me hiding out from church. Songs like that, literally make me want to kick something and yell hogwash. Nothing to do with the song, and certainly nothing against it's Christ-loving (I say that in all sincerity) author, but it's my issue... I'm "NOT THERE YET."
I can't even possibly tell God that I'd stop seeking peace and rest and seek only Him because.. well.. God would already know I'm lying wouldn't He.
And the idea that grief and pain are sweet... well, seeing as my stomach is already twisted in knots over those two things, it wouldn't take much to put me over the edge.

So I'm sorry Ms. Elizabeth P. Prentiss of 1856, I'm glad somehow you were able to sweetly wallow in your grief or pain, and be content without peace and rest.
But as for me -
I'm not there yet.