In the last few weeks something has caught my attention and so I've started watching it pretty closely.
I've got some new readers.
It helps that my site stats are so low it's pretty easy to keep track of newcomers.
In these last several meltdown months I've lost quite a few readers. Or at least they've quit popping in from their google readers. But I expected that. I haven't been posting regularly, and when I am posting it's not exactly guideposts inspirational writing.
I've let God have it.
I've let the church have it.
I've let people around me have it.
And I've let me have it.
But, since I'm not posting regularly, you're getting only the main highlights that are driving me up a wall. And, since I don't know if any of you new folks are Christians or not... here's what I want to say.
In the past few years God has been the most amazing thing in the world to me. In the past few months... not so much. But imagine if you will a little kid learning to tie his shoes. Every parent knows that the world will be much easier for the kid once he learns this simple trick, because all sorts of things need to be tied - not just shoes. But the kid only sees the shoe, and hates the stupid shoe, and wants to just wear his flip flops. Attempts to make them keep trying to learn usually end up with them yelling or crying, yanking the laces or throwing the shoes and saying they just can't do it, the shoe is stupid, and "I don't wanna go outside ANYWAY!"
Is my analogy starting to sound like my blog posts yet?
But I have a responsibility to say, right here, and right now, if for no other reason than it has come to my attention:
God's worth it.
I'm hurting, angry that He led me into foster parenting when it hurt so much, scared because I've seen how much He allows through this protective hand of His, and I don't feel very protected anymore.
But even in the middle of it all, I know I'm still alive, and that there are very specific instances when things could have been worse.
Most of all, I know He loves me.
Growing up in a family that believed in spankings, one thing sticks out in my mind. Between two parents, you knew one hurt you in discipline because they loved you, and the other one didn't. But for the one, even in a painful moment when you wouldn't generally expect to feel loved, you didn't feel it, but it was understood. And that understanding was the foundation upon which the discipline grew, whereas for the other parent the only thing they grew was resentment.
I'm thinking out loud now I suppose.
Going back to what I was saying before, there comes a moment when all you can do is patiently show and explain to your child how to tie that shoe. Ultimately though, the 'got it' moment is just something you have to sit and wait through the frustration for.
I don't feel Gods love for me, but it's understood. He's just waiting for me to 'get' what He's trying to teach me.
So, excuse me while I throw some shoes around screaming "I can't do it, christianity is stupid, I don't want to be a christian ANYWAY!"
But, for all my complaints (see me complain more in 6 mos than ALL the children of Israel did in 40 yrs), and for all the days when I'm ready to call it quits: God is totally worth it. I just hope I finally 'get it' soon.
In a small blurb to hold myself accountable because I made it public knowledge, I want to announce that some major changes are taking place in my home. I'm giving technology a major boot from my life. Tv's, vcr, dvd players, my oh so precious DVR, and my main computer are all getting the boot. For months the idea that I really just don't care who wins American Idol has really been clear. Now that Little One is gone, and my absolute weariness with watching stupid stuff has festered up to a miserable boil... it's time to make the change.
The bible has begun taking up a huge chunk of my evening, as is just wandering around my neighborhood (or riding around it on my bike). It's been good. It's released some of the pressure, which is an excellent thing since after Little One left I was about to blow.
If you new folks are still reading this long-winded post....If you don't know God, He's worth getting to know. More worth it than anything else you'll ever do. But if you walk into a new church and some Christian throws their shoe at you, don't be offended, just duck and cover and be thankful that God chooses the most undeserving people sometimes. Because otherwise you might not have been chosen either.
And for those who didn't duck fast enough before my shoe hit them - I'm very sorry.