Saturday, May 24, 2008

Enjoy not being there yet.

Three hundred forty-six payments left to go. 346. I've made 14 payments on my house. The goal, of course, is to get it paid off one day. But just like anything else, you get so wrapped up in the goal that you miss the journey.

I forget sometimes, until last minute or sometimes I do it obscenely early. But whenever I hit that "submit payment" at my mortgage companies website. I have to tell you, I smile. I know the money is in the bank, the job is done, one more month is taken care of and another lies ahead. And I'm pleased with each step.

It's not done yet, it's not paid for, I'm not there yet. But I'm going to enjoy getting there.

With that in mind, I'm working hard to apply that to other things as well.

I'm not posting much anymore, because my writing has changed. It was one thing to fill post after post with pain and questions. But this is different now. I've entered into this strange world where I'm not really sure what I believe in anymore. Not sure what to hope for. Not sure what to pray for. And some of the changes I'm wondering about making, are ones that I can't go blabbing around about. Like, you don't tell your boss you're thinking of quitting just as a conversation piece. - At least I hope you don't.

Nothing is off limits where these changes are concerned and I'm wondering what I might end up losing. Or worse yet, I'm wondering if I'll miss my cue and hold onto the wrong things or let go of things I should have kept. I'm having strange dreams at night again that seem to tell me things that I just can't understand. And I wonder what they mean.

In the midst of all this unsettledness, I feel more settled. There's a different type of fulfillment coming from inside myself than there was before. There was a neediness to me before, that was so desperate and also desperately hidden. Some relationships I clutched at, trying to suck as much happiness from the relationship as I could before I lost it. I did that, certain that I would one day lose the relationship, because... well, that's just what happens. People don't stay. Affections don't stay. People that liked you before, get distracted and move on to newer, different things.

But, even seeing it in myself, I just couldn't help but be that way. Now though, it's as though that part of me has simply been stripped away. There's contentment in that, that I always imagined would be sadness.

I stopped pushing.

I let go.

I just don't know what's going to happen next though.

But here's what I do know. If God wants to revamp my life, right now, I know that there is literally nothing I wouldn't give up. Five months ago I know I couldn't have said that. So now, looking at the things that I have, and the things that I don't have. I'm wondering what God is going to do with me.

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